Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Post Christmas Crash


  • Uncontrollable tears
  • Use of sleeping tablets at 10am
  • Sleeping until 1pm
  • Sudden loss of the insatiable appetite
  • having a light lunch then heading back too bed.

Although the above could just be due to being extremely over tired for having to keep the happy face on at the grandparents for 3 days. Plus i think the turkey may have been a little too pink for someone working in food hygiene....... no major upset stomach but its not totally happy.

The cold i caught off mum which left me sneezing all evening last night, didn't exactly help my energy levels.

Maybe more about Christmas stresses when i'm a little more awake. I never made it to the gym today, and even though part of me feels bad - its not a very big part which shows me that i'm either too tired or too depressed for even that, which is not a good sign. I ate far too much, most of the chocolates & a couple of mince pies were in secret, on top of everything else. I'm was too scared to get on the scales yesterday & in fact just the thought of it reduced me to tears, but today...... I can't even seem to enjoy one of my favourite films so far thats on now.

Not hungry, not bothered and in part not even really awake.

Friday, 25 December 2009

Christmas Day

I am not a child anymore. I have not had the childlike belief in Father Christmas for a long while now. So why does my body feel the need to wake up at 6.45am!!! I think the festive stress is truly getting to me now.

It certainly did last night, starting in the form of a double portion of banana and custard (custard powder made up with skimmed milk and sweetener in my defence!)for pudding, 2 mini curly wurlies, a 'posh' chocolate and a Jordan's raisin cereal bar. Other slip ups during the day include a full-to-the brim bowl of fruit and fibre which at least prompted me to get myself to the gym but i could only manage 3 quarters of the "have your cake and eat it" workout which supposedly works off a set amount of calories. The idea being you keep going on the piece of equipment until it says you've burnt off so many calories. At least it gives me some structure in the gym.

But then i went to Tesco, which was shockingly quiet for 11am on Xmas Eve. I guess many people hadn't finished work yet. Mum & D didn't finish until 1pm ish. I had to get some bits for mum and i did a bit of my own bargain hunting - where they mark LOADS of stuff down over the course of the day, because they will be closed for 2 days. Basically the deal is if you find anything with a date on it saying 'Display by' for the days they are closed (so the 26th, 27th & 28th this year!!) then they should reduce it in price. 'Yellow sticker hunting' we like to call it, although obviously other supermarkets have different colours, i think most of the others are orange of some shade or another.

So i came home with the shopping, which included a bag of muesli.......oh dear........ so i helpfully put in into the muesli container......whilst picking out a few lots 50% (maybe) of the raisins. I have such (yummy) issues with dried fruit. I could live on it!!

Anyway, I've been up an hour and I've managed to have an options hot chocolate. Perhaps I'm not hungry after last night.

I think a lot of the problem may be down to that horrible monthly female event - The Period. It would certainly explain for the vast increase in chest/breast size. I've never been over a 34C before - but i am certainly no longer a 34 band size, as i wore one for a couple of hours at most before i had to take the damn thing off, and it have left an imprint and red mark around my torso. As for cup size - goodness knows. When i lost my female figure i changed to wearing sports tops which i must say i find less restrictive. However if i could find a comfortable yet containing bra, low cut tops would no longer be an issue. Certainly not at this time of the month at least!

So hopefully with the increase in my chest being caused by that, hopefully some most of the bloating of my stomach will be too. Although i don't expect i will see a difference given that we are off to my grandparents for 3 days where i expect there will be little fruit, although not totally unhealthy. We're not talking burgers, pizzas, chips, deep fried etc. just not the fruit stocks like we have - here our stocks overflow into the garage to keep them cool!

Oh well its Christmas, i must just make sure i get myself out the house and to the gym every weekday at least in the new year.

Have a Merry bearable Christmas everyone.

Take Care



Thursday, 24 December 2009

Christmas Eve

Oh it started well today. within 30 minutes i was crying due to the fact that more little presents had appeared under the tree, and having said we weren't going to do little presents and just do the main gift of money, minus the ones for my grandparents, there are 9 and also some little things that are in the tree from me.

The tears were a mixture of:

  • I've only got stupid little things like seed matches, key covers, socks etc
  • almost all of the other present are from mum which means there is very little for her under the tree.
  • Huge feelings of guilt
  • general random bursting into tears at the slightest little thing (my must annoying depression symptom, highly inconvenient & embarrassing at times)
  • fear of the opening the presents, and looking like an ungrateful bitch as usual.

This then lead to a conversation with mum and her trying to reassure me that she didn't want presents from me, she just wanted me.

"I'll wrap myself up in a large bow then shall i?"

I highly doubt that I, myself will be enough, because as i said the other day, whatever i do I'm going to hurt her whatever i do.

I've accepted the fact, no matter how much i dislike it, that if i were to leave this earth prematurely of my own accord, that i would hurt my 4 people indefinitely. I was thinking about J and K, and what their reaction would be, last night. But i know that i need to get it into my head that to them i am just another patient.

Yesterday after a reasonable day of eating fruit, dutch crisp bakes & 8 roasted chestnuts (and if I'm being honest a few handfuls of fruit and fibre), i then decided to join mum & D with a dinner of a very (overly) cheesy (full fat cheddar) Cullen Skink (smoked fish, potatoes & leeks in a cheesy sauce). I didn't have much potato, maybe a couple of egg sized bits, but it was really yummy. Fruit for pudding, however then later 1 chocolate for a treat turned swiftly into 3...... and due to the feelings in my stomach later on, i may have added a little too much Baileys to my horlicks. Unlike adding it to a hot chocolate, where it gives it a nice kick, it just swamped the malt flavour.

The next question is what to have for breakfast & do i make an effort to try and get the the gym one final time before 3 days with the grandparents (who like to try and start feeding you up as though they are planning on serving you for next Christmas, or look like you haven't eaten for months, which these days with a BMI of about 22 I really do not.

Since this time last year I've gone up about 10 points on the BMI system...... Something to be proud of? Terrifying? Depressing? Or all of the above? Well maybe the last 2 of the 3.

Oh and by the way did Father Christmas come early for anyone else? There's a present that's appeared under the tree overnight and the label says its from 'Father Christmas'. You know its funny how his writing is identical to that of the Tooth Fairy! I guess they share the same secretary being very busy and all that!

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Susie's Appetite must die

I can't cope with this. I am constantly hungry and it really sucks. I can't get rid of it either. How can i stop it before i stop myself in less healthy ways.

Breakfast was ok, lunch was there too with an extra of half a wholemeal pitta (the other half went into a pate recipe i attempted - i tried to copy something i bought in london, needless to say it tastes nothing like it!) Dinner was good actually and its been fruit ever since.

I have stuffed with fruit today inbetween, only slipping up once with a bowl of fruit and fibre at about 3pm.

Closest i got to chocolate was a couple of options hot chocolates.

So how do i stop it? I was no more or less hungry today than i was yesterday when i stuffed with a couple of cakes and cereal too, and lots of chocolates. Its ridculous. I feel like i may as well be pregnant! well i feel like i am eating for 2, my stomach feels big enough and bloated enough, and as for my chest....... Well, to be blunt i have never had such big breasts - at least for me they seem huge! I'm sure the were never this big before i lost weight, but then again i've never been this heavy in general really. They are starting to annoy me though. I know selfish, when there are those out there who have lost their femininity to breast cancer etc. But i guess its just adding to the self hatred thats growing by the second.

I just wish i had some energy and strength to get me to the gym but my body almosts feels like it could sleep constantly right now. Seems like that gym membership might be slightly wasted. lets hope after christmas i can book into some classes regularly and get this backside (well, more the stomach) into shape!

Monday, 21 December 2009

Mistake after mistake

  • pathetic fell apart mid morning and ened up calling mum and meeting her for lunch (although spotted an email at D's work from her to him which said "SB just invited herself to lunch - to say goodbye?")
  • Now sitting on the sofa in the lounge trying to do as she wants. Have said i'll see whatever professionals, but have made it clear i'm doing it for her, and don't personally see the point. As i said to her, what ever i do, i'm going too hurt her, whether i stay or go.
  • Have over eaten on a large scale - even by normal persons' standards.
  • Started with grapefruit, 3 mini clementines, skinny hot chocolate, dutch crisp bake with spread, a small sharon fruit, about 3 little chocolates (M&S truffle type choccies), mincepie while i went out to deliver pressies to the boss & try and get something for mum. The lunch at Cafe Nero, toasted mozarella, tomato & basil panini. Bought a bit of bread pudding from Greggs after leaving mum and getting some nuts for the birds. Went to D's work, stayed there for an hour and a half. Came home in the heavy snow & had a bowl of fruit & fibre, skinny hot choc. A mini mandarin, 2 chocolate truffles, handful of salted cashews. Dinner of a leftover jacket potato, 5 sprouts, blue cheese, the potato shells filled with double gloucester cheese, half a courgette, some brocolli & cauliflower. Bowl of light walls icecream with baileys, 3 squares of milka chocolate, another small sharon fruit & skinny hot choc.
  • AND I STILL FEEL HUNGRY!!! well kind of. my stomach is so bloated and full, it almost hurts, yet my brain feels almost empty and hungry still. How do i stop it? am i hungry? whats going on?
  • Probably another mistake was ordering somethings online which i though would help stop me from overeating, but i know if i'm not careful could get me in a lot of trouble, and even more if mum ever finds out i have them!! I just have to make sure i'm in control.......

So three main mistakes......Playing along with life, Eating too much (don't feel like its over yet) & ordering contraban online.

I think there may be a 4th mistake in the form of harm tonight too. I'm not sure i will settle without something to focus on.

Sunday, 20 December 2009

Time to say good bye in one way or another.

I can't do this anymore. I can't stand being alive. I know its selfish when there are so many people on this planet so less fortunate, but this depression and general mental state is not a way to live, and in many ways its not living - its surviving.

I've told mum i'll play happy families over christmas with the grandparents and then i'm going. but after yet another crossing of paths just a minute ago, i think i'm off tomorrow.

This is stupid - why am i even saying this? we all know i'm too pathetic and weak to leave. especially as i have nowhere to go. And with the ice and snow, sleeping in the car isn't the best of ideas, although part of me doesn't care. Hypothermia, dehydration - self harm without the effort isn't it?

Or do i leave the car at home, pack up the nytol and sleep though it all on a bench somewhere.

I just can't stay here with mum wanting me to see pointless professionals. I'm not going to waste their time just to keep other people happy. But then i also can't stay here as i am, with mum seeing me day after day. I'm sorry i'm not perfect, i'm sorry i'm not happy - but thats me! i can't magically change. therefore i think its time to leave.

Or the orders to medical supplies will go through, mistakes will occur and i'll hurt people even more.

I wish i was free, i wish they weren't around. I just want to go for ever but i know that would be the ultimate act of hurt.

Nightly Thoughts

This one was more in my control - well at least a little bit of it!

To cut another long dream short - Dr L and M came round to my house for some kind of meeting, there were lots numbers, percentages all regarding weight loss and me being overweight. In general a very depressing meeting. Until they left, i went up to my room to watch them leave - and saw Dr L leaning up against the car over M and then she kissed her. I thought i had been mistaken in what i had seen, but the she kissed her again. They were between the car and the hedge on our driveway, so obviously thought they couldn't be seen.

When they spotted me at the window, it was clear they hadn't meant anyone too see, as the came rushing to the front door. Dr L started ringing the doorbell continuously, I didn't want to see them, plus now i had power over them - If they tried to hassle me, i had something over them, something that they clearly didn't want anyone else to know. So i unplugged the doorbell, and went back inside!!

That was the end of the happier part to the dream, the rest was hospital/school/friends all mixed into one thing where as usual, i didn't know what was going on because i wasn't really with it mentally. Then the dream drifted into more bizzare realms, like Harry Potter style dementors that kept flying around killing/evaporating people. I think i'll try and hang on to the powerful part of the dream, to remind me, as K says - no-one can push me around/force me into things i don't want to do.

Saturday, 19 December 2009

Once i start....

.....i can't stop!

Why is it that once i start eating, just once little thing extra, or one thing that i wouldn't normally have, i just can't seem to stop? I want more and more.

Even on a day when i've eaten reasonably well, if i have one chocolate, i can't seem to stop at that one. I just want one after another. I wouldn't quite class it as a binge (large quantities in a small amount of time) but more just constant picking/slowly eating. Like i say its not stuffing my face, just more a case of eating something then trying to resist and within 10-15 minutes find myself wandering around the kitchen looking for something else. I try and put the cravings off with a low calorie hot chocolate but its so much worse when mum & D are home. More stressful? Emotional eating? I don't know.

If anyone can give me some theory/science behind this, i'd be really grateful. Also if anyone can't advise me how to prevent this, i'd really appreciate the advice.

Yay, dinner party tonight! Another night of stuffing my face, as a three course meal is served. Having tasted the crumbs of the chocolate and cointreau cake..... i think resistance is extremely futile! Oh well back to the gym Monday - both morning and afternoon i feel!! I'm still kind of shattered after my first 3 days back in the gym right now, or rather just even more tired than i was before.

Friday, 18 December 2009

Fighting back the tears

My attachment issues regarding K are ridiculous. She left a message on my home answerphone, saying she had booked me an appointment for the 5th of January - probably the same time as the one i cancelled! Who knows. I didn't take note of the time, i headed straight out of the door armed with the book i borrowed, and popped down the icy/snowy road to the surgery, just in time for her to be finishing her surgery - and for once she had finished on time!

I had thought about writing a letter and dropping it off with the book, but sitting in my roon, fighting back the tears with mum and D downstairs, i decided to sort out the problem there and then.

Anyway the receptionist called down to her and i went straight down to her room. The tears were rolling. But she took the book and listened to my reasons as to why i wanted to cancel. I simply feel like i am being chased at the moment, and the more they call, the further away i want to be. It turned out that she didn't realise i had cancelled the appointment, she thought i had slipped out on monday without one being made.

A big part of me wanted her to ask me to reconsider and turn up. To ask me to think again - like M and Dr L have done (both of whom i have had calls today also) - but she simply went on to remind me that now i am an adult unless i am a danger to others they are unlikely to "sit on me" as she put it. As for being a danger to myself, she said it was up to me whether i hurt myself or not. As i left i made sure she knew i wasn't being rude or ungrateful, her reply,

"Believe it or not, I understand."

I do believe her, i trust her more than anyone. She's about the only person i trust with my life.

I think alot of the reason for me wanting to keep away from her, is down to the fact right now i feel so vulnerable i want to cling on - just like in the dream. I think i need that time away, to separate myself and distance myself. At least i can recognise this attachment issue these days, that than overstep the mark and hand deliver a letter to her house - as i did with a receptionist i got very close to, aged 16 ish.

I know i've made the right decision, but i still want to sob my heart out.

My mind tonight has gone back to the thought that i really don't care, my plans of restocking are somewhat thwarted by christmas posting issues. Also there's the problem with recieving the post too with mum & D being off work over christmas and then again on friday 1st. I guess though that there will be no deliveries on the days they are off work..... only christmas eve, when D is off during the morning......

Oh dear plotting and planning. I honestly don't want to end up on S ward (not that you'd believe it), but something inside me says it will all be controlled and i can harm safely - slight contradiction of terms i know - am i that far out of control. Have i really lost that much sense?

I'm not sure where i am these days. I just want to make it through christmas safely, for mum, nan, grandpa & D. After that? I'm not sure. I've heard via M and K that Dr L is planning on refering me to the teams psychologist - another person to start again with, go over my 23 years of life, depression, harm and disasters - only 23 years but a hell of a lot packed in to them. I really don't want to spend weeks going over every med, Dr, nurse, hospital, section etc etc. Whats the point? I've been there before.

I'm so tempted to let K into the world of Susie Belle, I trust her so much i want to share the truth with her - the whole truth. Maybe one day.

(P.S the balloon i sent was starting to go down..... i started a conversation with the receptionists (2 who are newer but i am beginning to get to know and become fond of) about it and the said the children love it & want to take it home. Its done well in a busy place for 5 days, and when i mentioned they plump up & expand when warmer they said they might give it to someone on Christmas Eve to take home. I want to send more! but i think i should perhaps at least wait a month or too. Valentines Day? or Easter? It makes people happy and as became clear tonight, no-one knows i am the secret balloon sender!)

Where am i going wrong?!

I can't shift a single pound!

I know M was right when she said i was results and i was them yesterday, but even so, after not shifting a pound! i feel like i may well just go and stuff my face with chocolate & cereal...... but i know i'd be very angry and regret it soon after.

What is wrong with me? Why won't it go? I'm going to try my hardest to eat little and often and pray that my metabolism starts up again. Instead of trying not to eat at all, which the sensible, knowledgeable part of my brain knows is going to SLOW the metabolism and my body is going to hang onto every calorie it gets. Listen to the sensible side, Susie! Trouble is despite know that, i'm finder it rather hard to eat, as anything more than fruit or something that is low in fat yet high in protein, seems like the food of the devil right now.

So i'll start with the fruit and see where we go from there. Must put grapefruit on the shopping list while i think of it.

It might be a little awkward to get to the gym today, due to 'adverse weather conditions' - what the british media call a few inches of snow!! But it does make driving difficult, and unnecessary journeys are not advised by the county i am on the border of.......although i'd debate the gym as being unnecessary in my situation/mental state! I might have to be content with cleaning the house. However given that i couldn't walk up the stairs without severe pain in my quads, which seem to be suffering the most right now. So i think i will try and have a bath although i never have had much patience for sitting in a tub of warm water, but other that painkiller gel for muscles i'm not sure much else it going to help my legs.

I have developed another problem and dilema overnight. Yesterday morning i noticed the buen scar on my arm had developed into a blister, and being the stupid thing i am (who can't leave things alone) i drained that small amount of fluid and continued with the aqueous cream. However this morning, the fluid is no longer clear and almost looks slightly infected. I think i kind of have 3 options.

  1. Drained the blister again but go back to using the Bactoban cream, which is an antibacterial
  2. Get an appointment with J, and see what she thinks is the best idea and ask her if she thinks the bactoban is a good idea or whether it needs something a little stronger. However i'm pretty sure K told me that neither her or J were around today.
  3. Call the burns outpatients, speak to the nice nurse i saw this week, and check with her.

There is always a 4th option - leave it and if its still bad (or worse) on monday, then try and see J. I guess in someways i feel like i'm almost looking for a reason to see J....... If you'd met her and had known her for at least 10 years i think you would too.

Thursday, 17 December 2009

Dreams or nightmare (yet again)

I still in last nights bullet point mood, plus its easier when you can't remember every single detail.

  • First being on some kind of school trip, which all seemed to fall apart, starting on the coach journey there, where som little girl was sick.
  • Then the trip at this museum/science centre/botany place started to go wrong, when the larger groups we were in seemed to split up and go their separate ways. As usual i seemed to end up on my own.
  • Somehow i then ended up in a residential/hospital unit, more like the NHS Adolescent unit i was on. When i seemed to end up emotionally drained and exhausted. It was a sunny evening so we were sitting outside and allowed to stay out, sitting in the evening warmth.
  • One of the nurses was going off shift (a lady i remember from that adolescent unit) and as she was leaving a woman went past outside riding a horse that she was about to lose control of, which started up a conversation between the nurse and i myself regarding her horses.
  • I ended up going with her to the yard and seeing how tidy she had kept her barn.

Perhaps i woke briefly because then the dream switched to the location of home, which is where the most upsetting part came.

  • There was a section of the front lawn that had sunk and flooded, so mum had called someone to come and check it out.
  • Next thing i know K had turned up, it seemed a side line job as well as a GP was her knowledge of drains.
  • She told mum that the lawn needed to be dug up.
  • I was standing near to her, and she put her arm around me and gave me a hug.
  • I burrowed my face into her, and felt so comforted by her and didn't want to let go. It was a situation i'm dreamed about for so long, and i almost couldn't believe it was happening.
  • She stood with her arm around me for a while, talking to mum about the flooded lawn/burst pipe. She then sighed "Oh Jenny......" - as it to say 'just something else to go wrong for you'
  • I turned to look at mum and realised it was just how things always used to be - me going to and getting hugs from everyone but her.
  • It was another reminder that i can't have those hugs from the people i want.

fortunately then i was woken up by mum coming into my room to tell me she was going to work.

and now i need to get my arse to the gym for my morning session!

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Notes from the day

Todays points of interest, points to remember and other bits.....

  • Arm now healed
  • Nice Burns nurse called almost everyone to try and get me help, but sadly by the time she got through to K, i was already in hospital after the OD.
  • I can easily survive on a liquid (diet coke) lunch due to the extra weight i am carrying and need to burn off & use up.
  • Tescos is not the place to pick up bits you've run out of at this time of year. Remember to get it all and enough of it (whatever that maybe - more diet coke in my case!) when you do the main shop!!!
  • Do buy things that you didn't go in for in the first place - as something is bound to go wrong!! (frozen crabs with no barcodes in my case)
  • if you act all innocent and lost on your first time at the gym, the nice 'fitness motivator' will spend half hour focussed on you, doing a 1-2-1 session using boxing pads alternating with the treadmill. Helps also that its quiet during the day at the gym
  • Never answer the mobile if there is no number when it rings. Luckily i missed the call from Dr L, however the voicemail message said she'll try again tomorrow. At least i know to watch out for that!

Trouble is hearing that message then sent me into a major flap. Why was she calling? I'd only seen her yesterday. Had she spoken to K and discovered all the things i had neglected to tell her? Had she decided she wanted to seen me before the end of January, owing to what she had found out? Major panic all round. Which leads me to my next point.....

  • Don't go for a power walk/jog when its been snowing, even if it was only a light covering. You get wet feet and very cold hands.

Ok brain is giving out. Day 4 of 4 tomorrow, with the gym after the appoinment. Maybe i can do the lost/innocent look at this one too!

Oh and on the down side at the gym - i couldn't try out the power plate, as there was a warning about fresh wounds from surgery, and i really didn't want to risk extending the healing time of my stomach further.

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

2 down, 2 to go.

The worst 2 appointments are out the way, although K wasn't supposed to be one to worry about, but sadly turned out more stressful afterwards.

Dr L has changed - in appearance at least. I think i prefer the old look personally, as i'm not sure the red tights, loose grey mini skirt, heels, red jacket and redish highlights in the blonde hair, which is now a bob really work. Maybe she thought she looked to stern and serious as she was before, however i feel the old look felt more professional to me.

I answered politely and honestly, if a bit quitely with nods and shakes of the head instead of words at times. She was rather flabbergasted that she hadn't been told about the OD and psych assessment (given the high risk circumstances), or even heard anything about it. So of course i kept the honesty thing going and duely dropped the crisis team member well and truely in it, naming them quite freely, and i have no guilty feelings about that at all. Although i didn't want to end up on S ward (even if Dr L says it has changed a lot), i was quite expecting them to at least try and admit me that evening rather than a quick 5 minute chat. Oh well, i'll leave that one to her now.

I asked mum to leave at one point when the tears started to roll, and the openly told her how i felt about being alive. It still is the same as my post secret card that i sent off.

I couldn't be open infront of mum about a typical days eat when asked, so skirted around that question with an answer along the lines of "It varies each day". Well thats truthful! when i'm around mum i eat more (WW bagel for breakfast today), when i'm on my own i eat nothing - at all!

Medication was mentioned, but i couldn't recall the reasons for stopping the Lofepramine which seemed to help my mood the most. I knew i had blogged it here, however looking back it's not as clearly written as i thought. It seems it was due to lethargy (although Dr L seemed almost suprised that the lofepramine had caused that) and then the clomipramine simple made the side effect or tiredness worse. Maybe i should check my paper diary too.

The outcome? Dr L wants to go away and talk to a few people (K - who she's seeing this afternoon for something else/different, probably drug/alcohol services related. I hope she doesn't let on that i told Dr L i didn't have another appointment booked with her.....given that it was K her self who made the appointment that i cancelled!! She also want to speak to M and the team's part-time psychotherapist) and she made another appointment with herself for the 29th January, which i really don't want to go do. I'm praying mum will forget, although she was in the room at the time, and the appointment was made around when would be better for her, regarding time off work. I have the bit of paper stashed in my bag, so fingers crossed she'll forget about it until its too late. Somehow i think thats unlikely though. Dr L didn't suggest the appointment could be held elsewhere, either at my home (no way!) or at the doctors surgery, although she said she'd have to check but as i used to see a CPN there when i had no transport i'm sure the practice manager would be ok about that. That option does feel better as it is certainly a place i feel a lot safer, but the idea seemed to get lost as the conversation when on, and then became disrupted by the gardener blowing the leaves around with a noisy machine.

I just want it all to go away. I don't want to see anyone, i wish i could move out of home but financially i don't think that is in anyway possible - unless anyone knows of any free lodgings in my area. Although i don't want to see K, the fear of moving out of the area of the surgery feels very unsettling and a little too scary.

I'm never going to leave here or this place mentally or physically am i?

Monday, 14 December 2009

K the Catalyst

I haven't had such a bad time after seeing a GP since i crashed the car after seeing Dr PJ in 2005. In fact it was almost de ja vu, because i saw her in exactly the same place and drove the same route home. Coming down that hill tonight - well i did break in time eventually and also there were more/too many other cars around to crash myself without endangering others.

I stopped off at the other surgery on the way, cancelling the appointment K made for me in 3 weeks time with her. I barely spoke to the receptionist, she called me forwards by name, i handed her the bit of paper K had written on earlier and simply asked, through my tears, her to cancel it. I was glad to see my balloon had arrived safely, it looked magnificent, as did the one at the sister surgery, where i saw K today. The anonymous balloon sender strikes again!!

I made it home in one piece but still sobbing, battling my way through urges to devour the packet of nytol in my drawer, book a room at the travelodge (not sure i should spend another £45 after spending £365 on a gym membership today!) or drive 30 minutes to the samaritans drop in office.

Best thing to do - put on a coat, grab the ipod and leave the house. Even if it is drizzling with rain and absolutely freezing cold. But a bench next to the church was the solitude i needed.
Mum asked me what happened and why i was upset. As i told her yet again, i do not know exactly what it was that upset me.

My first confession was that it wasn't until i wrote things down or tried to go to sleep at night that i realised how much i was keeping inside and holding back. She told me that things weren't ok and that with mum to protect i had become rather good at hiding the truth.

K asked me directly if the sharps and chemicals had stayed away, and in fact started laughing when my gaze moved swiftly in the other direction. I think she gathered there and then what the answer was going to be. However it was then that the uncontrollable tears started. She asked me why, i tried to explain that i felt the damage that had been done was so minimal and insignificant and just wasn't enough. She went on to say that i wasn't the only person to feel this way, that she had seen other people with similar problems and that infact she had another patient at the surgery now with similar issues.

I'm not sure how that made me feel. Jealous? I'm not sure. did i want to be the only one like this? Part of me wanted to ask how this other person was, and ask whether they had any resolutions to their problems, almost as if to make a point and prove that nothing can me done to help me or make this shit go away.

I told her about the gym which she said she was pleased about but wanted me not to look at the possible negatives like wasting the money by not going, or going far too much. What i managed to keep from her was the fact that i haven't actually eaten anything yet today. Diet cokes and sugar free apple quash - and i haven't felt even slightly faint - shows how much extra weight there is to lose i guess.

She wants me to spend some of my time with Dr L alone rather than with mum in there having her say tomorrow. I admitted that if mum was there i wouldn't have to say things and admit them. I can hide behind mum - like a 5 year old, as K added. She also wants me to ask to see someone else if i'm not happy seeing Dr L. why? what is someone else going to be able to do? They're not going to do anything different to Dr L.

It feels like my heart is breaking slightly by not seeing her. I feel like i'm betraying her by not going to see her when she has asked me to and squeezed me in but i can't go through feeling so suicidal after an appointment with someone i trust. If i don't feel ok after seeing her, then i would really rather not see her at all. She wants me to drop off the blade to either her or J at the end of the week, but i just can't do that.

She took my hand before i left, as normal but held onto it for longer than normal "try and have a reasonable christmas" she said.

I left wondering whether i was going to make it to see Christmas.

Sunday, 13 December 2009

Why am i like this?

Why do i feel so lethargic? Why do i have no motivation? Why do i can to binge? (or at least eat more that i should if i'm going to shift any of this extra weight)

Maybe its the stress levels rising of the next 4 days, in fact 5 - include today.

Sod it - i want a chocolate - theres a huge box of 48 belgian chocolates and i've resisted for 2 weeks so far. Things is already hate myself for a cereal bar. Now part of me says "you hate yourself for that already so you may as well have the chocolate" and the other part of me says "stop it. you had one extra thing, don't make it worse." The battle makes me want to cry. I think i need to get my ipod, plug myself in and block the thoughts out.

Sniffed the chococlates, decided against it...... went and found myself something sharp to put in my room instead.......I'm never going to reach my goal.

I can feel my emotions and panic rising, i feel like i just want to eat. Maybe thats because mum's upstairs. If i felt like this and i was alone, i think the feelings would be more intense and to deal with it i'd run up and down the stairs six time, or if it was dark i'd go out for a walk/jog, or i'd do something else....a little more damaging.

I really must get that tattoo done, maybe it will take the edge of things - for 24 hours at least. Actually my stomachs kind of hurting a bit today, more a dull pain than hurting pain.

Really must stop pulling my hair out.

Are you getting the disjointed feel of this post? Thats how my brain is right now. Words don't come out right, i seem to say a completely different word to what i'm thinking. I was telling someone about a pumpkin that my friend carved for halloween last year, except i said "last week" and i didn't realise until about 2/3 minutes later. I suddenly realise that what i had said didn't make sense. It seems to be happening far more often than previously.

Mum was talking about for going for a walk. As fat as i feel, and hideously lazy as i feel, i just don't seem to have the energy. my mood feels so deflated. I was planning on joining the gym properly tomorrow, but no doubt i'll make another excuse. Then it's off to see K in the afternoon, actually its at 4pm, which is normally when i struggle most, so maybe thats the right time to see her.

OK, confession time. The needy little girl in me has been calling out more and more recently. Its this little girl's voice in the back of my mind that longingly calls out names when she needs comfort and security. It calls out for my first real counsellor, who lives in the same village as me. For J and for K. I also know where K lives, and her son is actually a 'friend' of mine on facebook. I went to the same school as her 3 children when i was at secondary school, although her eldest was bullied so decided he would rather go to another private school and board there. I recall bumping into him once at a swimming gala at that school, he was the timekeeper for my lane. Maybe i read too much into it at the time, or maybe i had a touch of a crush on him back then, but i kind of felt a connection, although i think i misread that connection. It seems from facebook that me may actually be gay. I always have had lots of gay friends and found them more understanding, maybe thats the signals i was misreading.

When mum was talking about going for a walk, i started planning a route - via K's house, as a footpath runs straight past it, and it would be on a plausible walk route across the countryside. Its that unhealthy connection and obsession forming in my head again. I want to latch on and i don't want to let go. I'm terrified K (or J) will decide to move jobs and leave the surgery, like Dr PJ, my GP between the ages of 14 and 19, did 4 years ago. I found that so hard to deal with and she is still in my (messed up) thoughts so much. She gave me the address and phone number of her new workplace, and at one time i knew her address too, if fact i think i still have her home phone number somewhere too. Addresses are easy to find even if people are ex-directory - so long as they apply for planning permission, which Dr PJ had when i looked a few years back, and so had K - or rather her husband, who was also once a GP at the surgery.

But i'm not stupid enough to contact them there. Not while i've got my sensible head on and am in control of myself. Its more of a security thing. And i feel very panicy and insecure when people leave and i have to try and start again with someone new. It feels like i'm losing a member of my family almost. Well i guess in someway they know me better than my family.

Right, it's been decided, we're off to an antiques centre, which will still involve walking, but will also involve lunch at a tea room...........oh joy...

Saturday, 12 December 2009

Carrie Arnold on the Paradox of Choice

Another post about choice.

@ ED Bites

Blogger and my laptop are being bastards and i can't seem to post a direct link.

(excuse the language but i'm about to throw the laptop across the room - probably due to weekend stress and over-eating-at-lunch stress. Mum made fish soup and a roll and i couldn't control myself :( ....... very very angry. and once i start eating i just seem to feel constantly hungry.)

EDIT: this is what i originally tried to post:

"I know i'm not alone in my struggles on choice especially when it comes to food, but after yesterdays posts about my choosing lunch, and also in fact a snack in the afternoon, which mum and i were to share (why did i have to choose?!), and almost fell out over i felt i should mention this post by carrie @ ED bites"

Friday, 11 December 2009

Reasons i don't .....

A) ...Eat out often

  1. i am far far too indecisive & can cope with deciding what will be ok to eat.
  2. i have not control over amounts - i.e the girl serving has a different idea of "just a little" sauce to my idea (although compared to the person before me it clearly was 'a little', plus she obviously thought it was a little as she didn't charge me the extra 50p for the sauce, which was actually houmous)
  3. There are never ultra healthy options
  4. i always stress about it afterwards

B)...drink alcohol

  1. well according to the lady giving alcohol in M&S, its no bad thing as i don't look my age. On telling her that i was 23 so was unlikely to change my mind about not drinking (she thought when i grew up it would change), she exclaimed "23??!! what have you been doing?!" I was tempted to say "i've lived my life 3 stone underweight for the last 3 years" but with mum there i resisted and before i could say anything the lady quickly proclaimed that it was my abstinence from alcohol that has given me my youthful looks
  2. but i realised in the car on the way home that the reason i don't drink, is because i really don't see the point in wasting my calorie allowance on fluids, which won't solve my stupid hunger issues.

C) ...Go out more than i do

  1. because i really can't handle looking at/seeing slim, skinny girls/women. It's driving me mad. a women sat opposite us on the tube and crossed her slender legs, in black leggings. "i used to be able to cross my legs like that i thought". I look down and all i see are short stubby legs, than are more like tree trunks or hippo legs - to go with the hippo shaped backside i have developed.

Perhaps i should stop before i descend into a complete pathetic wallow of self pity.

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

A week of worrying

....for nothing. I've been living in limbo all week for nothing.

It seems the op isn't going to happen. Another change in cream has encourage faster healing, so it seems a skin graft is unlikely to happen. Medically it should have happened 6 and a half weeks ago when the burn happened, but it seems for psych reasons they chose a conservative treatment programme. I understand their reasons why, being based on their previous psych related patients & re-opening skin graft/surgery wounds, i understand why they thought it wasn't the right time for me to have surgery whilst still in an "acute state" as the doctor phrased it last week. What they didn't know about me is that i have never removed a suture, not even one i have put in myself. However what i didn't know was that i would overdose within the next few days/weeks, i don't even remember how long after it was now.

At least this means i can go to the gym and maybe join too. The hour class today was good and i also clocked the pedometer up to 13,000 steps - just over 8km approximately. Mum doesn't want me getting obsessed - but obsessed if better than the mess i've become.

Monday, 7 December 2009

Is this a sign?

I plucked up the courage, packed my gym bag, got in the car (which stinks to high heaven because i had rain come through a crack somewhere during the very high winds and rain last week!) and drove down to the gym.

Only to be greeted by a lady who looked at me and said "Er....We're closed. Didn't you get the members email?"

"I'm not a member........yet." i replied.

Luckily the girl who had given me the guest pass on Saturday, was there and gave me a tour through the chaos (They are open 7 days a week, today happened to be the one day they were closed to install their new cardio floor), and taking my details so i can return tomorrow to try the boxercise class.

It just felt like it was a sign, telling me that this was a bad idea. Although having taken a photo of myself for a profile picture today, the pregnant look reminded me why i severely need to go. Hopefully once i start seeing some results, it will encourage me. I'm almost hoping that the anorexic exercise addiction will kick in and i will just end up staying there all day!

Anyway whilst i was out i went to the nearby shops and did some chistmas shopping for some ill children. Something that doesn't have to take long to do, and everyone should give a go - visit www.postpals.co.uk to find out more.

Battling myself

self confidence vs self hatred.

self hatred wants to go to the gym (with the free guest pass) and do something about the hideousness. self confidence doesn't want to go because it means facing the wide world on my own, no-one (i.e mum) to hide behind.

for once i actually want self hatred to win through. hopefully it will be quiet mid morning on a monday, either that or maybe i'll hide in the ladies area and hope there's no-one in there.

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Talking, Shouting and Crying.

I can't talk to mum about my problems/issues calmly. It always results in my crying and shouting - well raising my voice.

I think i've pretty much decided that i don't want the skin graft. I think if they were going to go it they should have done it 5 weeks ago. I've been trying to explain to mum my reasons for not having it done. I am struggling with my 3 month pregnant look and hideous weight as it is. The thought of not being able to go the the gym (which i plan to start with my guest passes tomorrow, and then boxercise before the hospital on tuesday) or even being able to walk very far i expect due to a wound/scar on my thigh - it fills me with even more fear.

Mum just told me she slept last night for the first time in a week because she is so worried about me. She said when i go into "full on mode", saying i'm going to do this that and the other (C1 driving licence etc) she knows i'm heading for a big fall.

Great! So everytime i try and do something positive in life now, it is going to be seen as me heading for a fall. So basically i'm never going to be able to try and get on with my life because people are just going to expect me to crash instead.

The fact that its been 8 days since any harm (i don't count hits and gentle punches, i know it is kind of harm but everyone kicks/hits an inanimate object now and then, i just tend to hit myself instead.) which is longer than its been in months. I guess the problem is i can't share that with mum.

I don't know what i can do to show i'm trying, it just seems to go completely unnoticed. Yes, i am still struggling, crying myself to sleep everynight and at least once during the day. But the struggling seems to be what people see rather than my efforts.

Mum made me look at the photo i had done for a makeover/photo shoot last year. She thinks it looks great, even though i am a stone underweight in the photo. What i tried to explain (in a rather raised voice) is that i hate that photo, i hate looking at it every single day, because it reminds me of how skinny i was, and what a bloated, fat monster i've become. I told her i knew she was worried i'd go back to 5 stone but as i told her, i didn't like looking like a skeleton and i did know how much it hurt her for me to see me like that. But i explained i'd rather be skinny that the podge i've become now.

She said my stomach just needed toning up. Stop making excuses mum!!! you can't tone up fat FFS! i need to lose the fat before any toning can be done.

Bring on tomorrow and the gym. Trouble is, D is off work all next week. I hope he goes out like he said he might. Mum was saying how he's be around to take me to hospital appointment etc. I know they want to help but by them being there i end up more stressed and with more pent up emotion that i can't release in front of them.

The idea of booking a room somewhere and running away is starting to appeal again.

Saturday, 5 December 2009


why is it that i struggle more with food and keeping myself under control at the weekends?

Why is it i raid the cupboards and fridge when Mum & D aren't looking? Yet when i'm home alone during the week i can control myself to not eat things i shouldn't go near?

i look like i'm 3 months pregnant still. There was a stand today in town advertising a local gym and they were doing BP reading too. 123/75 I think thats the highest BP reading i've ever had. Something else that needs to be sorted - probably caused by the weight gain. Anyway the gym membership is £26 per month for unlimited classes and access, plus 2 free tanning sessions a week plus access to the sauna. They don't have a pool but right now i can't go swimming anyway.

Monday morning i am going to go down there with one of the free passes i got given today and get myself back into a routine.

Mum suggested the pregnant look was down to the fact i was wearing clothes that i bought when i was a "size zero" as she put it. Trouble is i have either put those clothes in the spare bedroom or thrown them away. Last week she tired to put it down to the wound on my stomach say that my stomach was "unwell". If only it was that. The more and more i think about being out of action after this operation if i have it - the less i want to go ahead with it, even if it does mean an open wound for another couple of months.

I'd rather be size zero than this. i honestly would.

Thursday, 3 December 2009

She's still here.....

.....but what do i say to her?

The former counsellor who told me i could call her if i ever needed anything, as a friend, definately does still live in the village. Although i haven't seen her for a long time, not only did the phone number that i thought was hers, appear in the local magazine but also her name. It just felt like a huge relief. A relief that someone i have always felt so safe around and have safe, secure memories of, is still around.

I want to call her. I want to check her address, I still have this feeling she's moved but kept the same number. I want to send her a christmas card and reconnect with her. I guess i'm praying she'll contact me back, maybe ask if we want to meet for a coffee/tea etc.

Am i being unrealistic? Am i reading too much into a possible friendship? One that was suggested about 3 years ago at least...... I keep thinking though that the longer the length of time since there was the a counsellor/client relationship between us, then the more chance there is of a friendship.

I have one small problem there though. I haven't really had any friends since i was at school. I don't think i know how to sit and have a drink and talk about normal things. Every day is filled with some kind of drama, dilema or mental melt down at some time, that i focus so hard on managing those issues and therefore don't feel like i know how to hold a normal conversation unless there is a specific topic to discuss.

If i worry about trying to hold a normal coversation for more than 10 minutes with her then what hope is there for me ever having a social life?

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

How hard can it be?

Simple decision. To have a hair cut and head massage or not.

How hard can it be??!! i can afford financially have both things, i have the £50 in my wallet. But is it that i feel i don't deserve it? As K always says "Is this down to guilt, again?"

Do i want my hair cut? Do i want the head massage? I don't know. Why do i not know? Its not exactly a hard decision! The more i don't know how i feel or what i want the more angry and upset i get. Its so pathetic - i'm crying over getting my hair cut FFS!

If i can't make a simple choice like this - how am i ever going to make any decisions in life?

Well the appointment is made already, so maybe if i leave it i'll just have to go through with it. But am i then going to hate every moment of it? and regret it big time, afterwards?

Why is it so hard?

Monday, 30 November 2009

Spoken Word

I did a voice recording after i got home from seeing K, as there was so much going round in my head and it was moving too fast for my fingers to keep up with to type it. I thought about how i was going to record it and although i could have pointed the camera away (or probably turned it off, had i been in the mood to figure it out, and still had the right type of file to upload). I'll figure out a way to sort it.

I decided it was unlikely anyone would recognise my voice should they listen to it - as i hardly speak to that many people. Only mum would probably recognise it and if she's discovered Seeking Sanity then i think she would have realised it was me already simply due to the content of the blog!

In short though, i still feel like i want to cry and i'm hoping the meds i got off K tonight will cut short the length of time spent crying myself to sleep, and maybe reduce the dreams' vividness. Trouble is to take away emotional pain and distress i would normally turn to physical pain, to create a physical focus. But i have nothing in my room to cause such damage, and although there are still disposable razors in the wheely bin, that is where they are going to stay. If i have to cry until i have no tears left (is that actually possible?) then so be it, but if i want a career to be proud of then, there can be no more harm. It's been 3 days without even so much as a pin prick, by the next time i see K it should be 17 days, so lets hope i can tell her that it has exactly that.

Dreams or Nightmares?

According to the Cambridge Dictionary:
and then:

So are these just bad dreams? or nightmares?
I mean for me being taken to a new private boarding school/college by my dad and his wife, then never making it to the classes, breaking down in tears, running away from the school, hiding from the teachers all because i missed the first day and then didn't know where to go - well, thats pretty unpleasant. Then throw in a healthcare assistant from my local psych ward, who cared more than most of the the qualified staff, who would give me a hug when i needed one and i guess became like a mother figure. I know, I know, not totally healthy in the professional sense, but when you are on a ward constantly for 4 months (having been sent downstairs to another ward for 2 months prior to that) and barely leave the ward for all that time, how can you not form some sort of connection with some staff? Especially when you are an 18 yr old, vulnerable depressed young woman who craves a mother figure. (Then of course there have been another 4 or 5 admissions since when of course she was still working on the ward.) Why is it i always dream of people who have been so good to me and caring? And i suppose that a part of me kind of misses, even though my relationship with mum is better (part of the reason i used to crave a mother figure), i still can't tell mum exactly what goes through my head, which then leads to tears and me wanting comfort and a hug.
Then last night, once i was in the school, still avoiding the teachers, I seemed to end up in this counselling session with a counsellor. (It was the counsellor who first took my depression seriously, telling me she thought it was "more than just the teenage blues". She was the reason i first went to see a GP, and someone i feel very extremely grateful too.) Seeing her and having a session with her, where she bought in this phone which had mum hysterical and crying on speakerphone, left me feeling even more distraught and there was an aspect about food in the session, as she gave me a set of cutlery.
This particular counsellor used to live in my village and i used to see her walking her dog, but i know the dog was very old which i probably why i haven't seen her around the village, but i haven't even seen her driving either. Her phone number is still in the village magazine and she always said after both she and i left the school, that if i ever wanted anything as a friend i could call her. I have only ever done that once to ask her for a phone number whilst i was babysitting (not the best time to need your local samaritans phone number!) and she didn't mind at all that i'd called. However i'd hate to think i'd lost contact with her, again after you work with someone for 3 years, and they know you better than anyone else (apart from maybe my GP), then you do build up a relationship and trust. Maybe i should join the other village organisation that we both used to be a part of. Her phone number is still in the village magazine for it, and i know it was awkward when i went to the meetings previously but that was about 10 years ago, so as a 13yr old, i probably didn't know how to handle the situation at that age.
So in summary (because this post has taken me an hour to write - i am distracted to easily....) another distressing night. Maybe K can come up with a solution or and idea this afternoon.

Sunday, 29 November 2009

where to stop?

why is it when i start eating i can't seem to stop? Breakfast was controlled, or rather within my control.

Then we went to my grandparents and it started.........

Toffees in the house.....times 3........ packet of crystalised ginger on the side board, couple of bits of that. Jar of festive mincemeat in the fridge - just a tea spoon to stop the craving mind.

Lunch with nice thickly slice soft bread on offer & flora buttery. Soft creamy blue cheese and then rather more controlled salad with fruit afterwards.

Snacks of nuts, morish salty cashews before dinner, which mum eventually took away from me and put the rest of the small dish my grandfather had put out, back in the jar, stating the question "Shall i save you from yourself?"

Dinner - a non compulsory roll with the soup. more potato that i should have served myself with the salmon and vegetables. Did i really need the creme fraiche with the pear tart tatin? In fact did i need dessert at all? Or the extra mouthful i sneaked along with a mouthful of blue cheese, in the kitchen whilst clearing up?

Now we're home the (low calorie) hot chocolate was to help me sleep, but the measure of Baileys? Did i deserve such a treat? And now i feel like i want to carry on, i want more. But do i really and truely, or is it tiredness and emotional hunger after an emotional day? Or is it the thought of the start of another week, a week which is supposed to be a new start and is scaring me, because a large part of me is terrified by the change. If i ate something more tonight though, would it matter? Afterall i know the weekday restricting will set back in. The question is will i finally get my arse in gear and get to a gym or do some proper exercise, or will my energy levels fail me again.

Hopefully the stress, and fact that i have nothing to cause harm, after the clearout & i know how easy it would be to restock, but what was the point in clearing out and trying to move on?

Seeing K tomorrow afternoon, i'll probably be a wreck by half 3, part of me hopes she see how hard it is and what the dreams/nightmares are doing to me too. I can't take another night of images of hospitals, overdoses, teachers i loved and miss. The past won't leave me alone or stop haunting me right throughout the night. Maybe the tears are a sign i should just try and get some sleep even though i know what is awaiting me during slumber.

Friday, 27 November 2009

Mission complete

After lots of tears, changing my mind about 6 times and in fact having to go back to the doctors again after my appointment - i have got rid of all sharps. Thank you to J for making me realise that if i'm going to do this i need to do it properly.

"Think Green" is my new motto.

Now i'm going to get a hot chocolate, go to bed, put "I'm a celebrity" on and cry until i get this emotional roller coaster of a day out of my system. Perhaps a little hand written diary writing too.

"It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life, for me......"

"And i'm feelin' good"

So maybe the last part of the song isn't technically true. If anything i'm shitting myself right now! (excuse the language)

I had a bit of a clear out this morning. 2 drawers in particular containing all things dangerous and harmful. The chemicals, razors, tatty bandages, half an odd tablet and other bits and pieces are all in the bin - not just the bin in my room but bagged up and in the wheely bin. Old bits of paper, letters and other boxes are in the recycle bin. Confidential & named documents and letters are shredded.

I did keep lots of get well cards, letters by and from my old GP - yes, there are still some things from my past i can't let go of & she was such a bit part and so, so good to me, going beyond the call of duty, as they all have done at that surgery over the last 13 years (watch out blubbering Susie about!). I really wish there was something i could give them or do for them. Which i guess brings me onto part of the reasons for todays actions.

I've been watching a programme on TV of a morning whilst forcing myself to eat some kind of breakfast, which has reminded me of the career i wanted to do when i was 15/16, and gave up on over the last 3 years. But after speaking (well, emailing) someone already in that profession, he's given me a spark of hope that i may have a chance, if i get myself together mentally.

A huge part of be is terrified that i'm getting my hopes up and because of my history i will have no chance (although as my email buddy said, having life experience can bring so much more to the job), and if i then find out later on that i really do have no chance then i'm petrified of how i will react and deal with the fact that it is not an option and never will be. If i know that down the line, even if they said 3 years self harm free & stable - i would at least know i had a goal to work towards. My email buddy said he actually had to state that he was taking an anti-depressant to help him though the final stages of his previous career, which he was struggling with and not enjoying - and he obviously got accepted. So maybe there is hope.

The other thing which i guess often goes through my mind, is my Nan. (Hold on i've started crying already, need to grab some tissues) Right, stay composed, Susie! Nan will be 80 next year, and everytime i see her, it kind of hits me how old she is and how she won't last forever, despite being i very good health. (I can't see what i'm typing!! More tissues needed!) And i'm her only grandchild, she means the world to me and i want to make her proud. i know she's probably say there were things she was proud of me for anyway, but i want to achieve something that she could be truely proud of. Obviously the same applies to mum but i have a limited timescale with Nan if i'm realistic.

I am truely petrified right now, as once again i'm at that stage where life feels very uncertain. I terrified someone will tell me i have no chance of this career, in which case i feel like i will be working had on life for zilch.

If i have to deal with this by being in the gym constantly, or going to the gym more that perhaps i should instead of self harming, then maybe for the moment that is the way to go. After 11 years of self harming, and still managing 2 open wounds which are unlikely to heal for at least another month, it's not going to be easy to leave behind, just like that. As K said, some of the time its almost like an addiction (Luckily i have a GP who's special interest is addictions, not necessarily self harm but generally more drink and drugs, but at least there is a slight correlation between the issues).

I have a feeling there are going to be a lot more tears to come, but to avoid them this afternoon i'm heading to the safety of D's work, possibly to do some mindless envelope stuffing (i shouldn't be able to screw that up!). However i think the tears will be back a plenty tonight when i see J to get some non-itchy dressings (before i itch my skin off - plus i haven't actually got enough from the hospital anyway), because i am also taking with me some sharps i bought only last week, but i know they have to go and i do like to try and be responsible in disposing of things!

Part of me was saying that i could carry on harming and just not tell anyone - No-one would know. Although with people i trust i do have problems lying. For some reason i just can't be dishonest. Maybe it because of all the things they've gone out of their way to do for me over the years, and the fact that they could probably tell i was lying after knowing me for 13 years!!

So tomorrow is day 1. No more scars, no more blood, no more burns. A new start.

(or at least thats the theory.........)

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Bringing it on Myself

According to M, i can't handle being in a "healthy place" and everytime something good happens i destroy it.


So basically i'm choosing to be this way? I'm attention seeking? I want to carry on seeing professionals like her for the rest of my life?

Yes, i agree there are certain people i panic about being with out, or rather panic about not being able to see, but they are people who i have known for the last 13 years and who have seen me and supported me through a heck of a lot. K and J know me better than most of my family (not including close family), in fact i've seen more of them in my lifetime than i have some of my family - including my father. So excuse me for feeling insecure at the thought of moving out of the area and knowing i wouldn't be able to speak to people i trusted if i needed to. I mean for goodness sakes - if i got pregnant or developed cancer i would rather see them over any other doctor or nurse, purely due to the fact that i trust them and they have always been incredibly kind to me.

Am i bringing these downfalls on myself? Could i really banish the intrusive thoughts, stop harming, stop hating myself & my stomach, if i put my mind to it?

Why does M believe i can do anything i want to? She said she thinks i make things fail and destroy them, even before they do, just so i can avoid waiting for it to fail of its own accord.

So the fact that i want to harm on my stomach or lose the extra weight i've gained, has nothing to do with the fat (which the nurse yesterday, bless her, asked me if i suffered from bloating) thats there and needs to be lost. Its apparently because i can't handle being a healthy weight and i just want to ruin my life constantly.

Its times like that this, that make me feel angry and want to turn round and show them - no i don't want to ruin things or just not be sane or healthy - i do actually want to die a lot of the time, i hate things that much..... trouble now is stopping myself from doing something that may cause such damage.

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

CBC News - Montreal - Depressed woman loses benefits over Facebook photos

CBC News - Montreal - Depressed woman loses benefits over Facebook photos

Ok, so i'm paranoid enough already about the DWP & feel like i'm a fraud etc etc but stories like this..... well actually i'm not sure how it makes me feel. I look at the photo in the article and to me that doesn't show severe depression. I take the woman's point about being happy in the moment and the problems still being there before and after the moment, but even so i'm pretty sure (in fact certain) that there are no photos of me posing in a bikini - but then with the state my body is in, plus the open wounds on my body mean i will never ever wear a bikini again, and haven't done since age 12. In fact for me wearing a short sleeve t-shirt in public is a miracle these days!

Anyway, i'm off to check my facebook photos, just incase, however i think the most i will see is a photo of me on holiday on a beach when i went away with my parents (yes - it is no longer my mum and step-dad - i call them my parents. Its only taken me 13 years!) but even then i'm wearing long shorts & a long sleeve jumper (i may have gone as far as to push my sleeves up...) on a sunny day. But a holiday with your parents aged 23? Hmmm, maybe that doesn't exactly show someone, an adult, who can cope on their own.

Yep - no photos of me in social situations above the age of 15.... quite sad really, isn't it? Maybe i need to stop being so paranoid, although it kind of comes with the depression i guess.

Saturday, 21 November 2009

Itchy Scratchy Itch

Why are adhesive dressings so damn itchy?!

Change it after 3 or 4 days the nurse at the out patients unit said - yeh right! she gave me 5 spare dressings for 2 different wounds, that i was only supposed to change once before i go back. But the dressing were so crap, that after a slight itch, i scratched right through the dressings! and in fact the one on my stomach seemed to wear through during the night, whether that was from me wriggling and moving in my sleep or whether i've been itching it in my sleep who knows. Mind you from remembering my dreams/nightmares when i wake up in the morning, i would be surprised if i move about a bit & toss and turn in my sleep.

Then again it might be the wound itself itching as it heals, although the worst once is still at least a month away from healing over at all, and i'm still not sure i've the hospital have said for certain that it won't need a skin graft. The anti biotics have cleared up the infection though, not that i particulary care right now.

In fact i've ordered some bits tonight which i really shouldn't have done, but i know the thoughts aren't going to go away unless i go through with them.

I think mum probably thinks things have improved as i seem much more talkative and sociable - if only she knews the plans and thoughts - because they haven't changed at all, and if anything, i'm probably calmer because i'm closer to carrying out those plans. I don't know.

Thursday, 19 November 2009


I don't know what to do. I sat and made a list of my choices and options running through my mind during my lunch break at college today. I was there in body but certainly not in mind for most of it.

The list ranged from doing things that would most likely get me sectioned and admitted to the hell hole that is, S ward. Or admitting myself there, because i simply don't know what else to do to stop myself from eventually being overwhelmed by my thoughts and then doing something that will get me admitted and more than likely sectioned because i know if i was asked to go voluntarily i am more than likely to react badly and end up going by force.

I know i'm almost contradicting myself there. On the one hand saying i'm thinking about admitting myself and on the other hand saying i almost want to be sectioned because i know my actions will probably lead to things being taken out of my control.

Other things on my list included running away somewhere and simply booking myself a room or sleeping in the car, although that was mainly so i could then cause damage or sedate myself and not be found out. I've thought about going to stay with my grandparents, but if i was staying with them i couldn't guarantee that the thoughts would go away and i wouldn't be able to do anything about them while i was staying there.

I don't think i can stay here much longer though. I'm just disappointing mum, more and more each day. And if i'm not disappointing, i'm hurting her instead.

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Damage Control

I want to cause harm, i want to cause damage. Not pain necessarilly - just damage. I want to do the same damage i did in 2006, trouble is i almost killed myself and got myself sectioned in the process. Thinking about it now i actually feel kind of sick, but there is still that part of me that wants to order the stuff i need and go ahead with it.

Or i just dose myself up again and knock myself out to escape the blackness. But this time go away so mum doesn't have to pick up the pieces. It would mean no dilema as to whether to harm or not. No thinking, no contemplating. Just sleep.

No more overeating either. With events of the last week and the tongue ulcer after the seizures my weight has been nicely falling back down to where i'd like it, but the last couple of days the fat cow has been back and i just can't seem to stop the hunger demons. So by self sedation i could forget about that worry too.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Let me go

I'm trapped. Trapped in a life i should be grateful for, but that feels like punishment.

I want to stop hurting you, mum. But i fear there's only one way i can do this.

I wish you'd give me permission and let me go.

Monday, 16 November 2009

I don't want.......

I don't want to carry on. K said to me today "You can do it Jenny". I replied to her with what my heart and head have been saying for the last week;

"I don't want to."
I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of pointless appointments. I'm living my life for my mum and grandparents. If it wasn't for the fact that it would break their hearts and destroy them, i would call it a day right now.
Part of me thinks that K and J would understand and although they might be sad, they know i will never be at peace whilst i am alive.
I don't want to waste these hardworking peoples' time anymore. Its clear after 9 years that nothing can be done to change my mental state but if don't turn up when they ask me to i feel i'm being rude.
I don't want to hurt people, but by living i'm hurting and then when that gets too much i just hurt and disappoint people anyway. I can't win or get it right. The question i often ask myself - is causing one final, ultimate pain worse than continually disappointing everyone?

Friday, 13 November 2009

What a week...

By Tuesday it was all too much. I wanted to sleep, to escape. i don't know what i took when but the cocktail i swallowed i thought in my mind would just let me escape the world for a bit, but i don't think i realised how out of control i was already.

The last thing i remember is buying some over the counter sedatives tesday afternoon (i think).

Poor mum came home to find me semi-conscious in bed, and some how got me in the car and off to A & E, where apparently i had a seizure while being assessed, and then again after being moved to Resus. I woke Wednesday morning on EMU (emergency medical unit), with mum still by my side. I finally got passed all the doctors, nurses, crisis team's checks at 11pm that night.

Mummy, i'm sorry. i just needed to escape the thoughts in my head. I wish i could be a better daughter to you.

Maybe with my tongue half covered in ulcers where i bit so badly it during the seizures, this is the kick start i need to get my eating and weight back under control.

Monday, 2 November 2009

Bye Bye Belle - *Strong Self Harm Warning*

Susie Belle is shutting down. Her brain has partially gone already. She listened to K today, heard most of what she said, but Susie's brain doesn't want to know. Susie's brain wants to destruct & harm. K said drug addicts don't want to give up their drugs...

Burns appointment cancelled. needle perforated gut? mild deadly nightshade poisoning? (Fucking gardeners turned up today when it was almost too late!) Maybe visit the Yew tree? Or just more burns when the postman arrives tomorrow?

Thoughts stuck in the head. Harm related 95% of the time. Tired. Want to cancel all and take a step back. J asked me to see her tonight. Take the tissues tied up with a bow then cuts all ties. Cancel two appointments made today. Too tired, too painful.

Time for a nap.

Friday, 30 October 2009

I want them to go now. I feel bad for saying it but i feel so desperate now that i wish i had no family. I wish that guilt factor would go away - so i can go away.

Mum starting saying how she'd been thinking what it would be like if i wasn't around; my room used for another purpose, my car not parked outside the house, my bag not under the stairs, my laptop not in the lounge....... She didn't say those particular things. She didn't get that far, i was already crying and she was close to it.

I keep wishing i'd wake up and my life so far has all been one long dream, but i know thats not going to happen.

I know i'm hurting her simply by being depressed and the self harm, but in the long run is that any better than the ultimate hurt?

She wants me to be alive and safe but she ultimately want me to be content too. I feel right now that there is only one way i can feel at peace. This much i did tell K today. I think the only reason she hasn't had me sectioned me is because she believes in the strength of my love and attachment for my mother.

But in not being able to be at peace, the thoughts of harm, unbelievable damage, are so strong. The demon says that no-one would ever know, and that i could manage the wounds, that it would be our secret just like ED said it would.

The force is getting stronger each day and i'm really not sure how much longer i can battle it, i do feel this is going to result in an ultimate sectioning or hospitalisation. Maybe the crisis centre in London is worth a try, even if it is 5 days of relative safety.

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Post 101 - Honesty Dilema

Mum told me she called K, today. After a chat K decided she wanted to see me before the weekend. Mum called her and her & D have been worried, but as i knew K didn't say a thing - although mum did reveal she had read part of my diary, which was laying on my bed, NOT open i might add! From what it seems she may have read some of the bit written in A & E a week ago.

So now i have this appointment with K tomorrow, do i:

  1. be totally honest reveal the further harm, how desperate it feel, how i have to cause pain to feel emotion right now,
  2. skirt around the truth, don't bring up the subject of harming and see what she has to say,
  3. or pretend things are getting better, deny any more harming, lie through my teeth until i'm blue in the face and get the hell out there ASAP?

Plus i have to pray the post hasn't arrived by 11am because i've sent an anonomous balloon to say thank you for last friday and everything they did (and have done for the last 12 years), but i did say certain things that might reveal who the sender has been.

Wednesday, 28 October 2009


  • numb
  • tired
  • exhausted
  • shattered
  • low
  • depressed
  • desperate
  • apathetic
  • hopeless
  • useless
  • worn out
  • worn down by the depressive demon
  • frustrated
  • Comfort.
  • relief from these feelings.
  • to stop feeling all together.
  • to be able to sleep and feel safe when i sleep, not afraid of my dreams and how i will wake.
  • or maybe to sleep and not wake up.
  • to be at peace but without causing the ultimate pain to my mother, D and Grandparents.
  • to be at peace without letting down J and K, yet i feel they'd understand that i was then at peace.
  • J to put her arms around me, hold me and let me cry.
  • a rest/break from my mind.
  • to stop comfort eating and have a normal eating pattern.
  • feeling this way.
  • not being able to identify what exactly it is i feel, if i am actually feeling anything at all.
  • my body, weight and shape.
  • having crap mental health inpatient services in my local area.
  • putting mum and D though this.
  • hiding from my grandparents how ill i am again, so nan doesn't worry.
  • the fact that the 2 professionals i trust the most cannot give me the time and support i need. (even though J has asked me to pop in and see her after her surgery next monday again.)

Friday, 23 October 2009

Susie Belle isn't well.....

There may be a bit of a break in posts. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm booked in for a minor op next week. relationships are home are disasterous, no words at all after a huge argument tonight.

I'm a mess basically.

Sunday, 18 October 2009

Post Secret

This particular secret (as with many other too) struck a nerve with me.
Trouble with me is - I don't know who i was before i became ill - she was just a child.

I think i'm off to do my own postcard now.....

Saturday, 17 October 2009


"She Used to be my enemy and never letting me be free,
catching me in places that I know I shouldn't be,
Every other day I crossed the line
I didn't mean to be so bad,
I never thought you would become a friend I never had
Back then I didn't know why,
Why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all that you did was love
Mama I love you,
Mama I care,
Mama I love you,
Mama my friend,
You're my friend
I didn't want to hear it then but I'm not ashamed to say it now,
Every little thing you said and did was right for me,
I had a lot of time to think about,
about the way I used to be,
Never had a sense of my responsibility."
J made me realise last night why it is that i can't find the comfort & security in mum's arms that i crave when i feel so fragile and low. She said she thought i was right in saying it is because i don't want to hurt mum and show her how fragile and, i suppose, ill (i hate using that word but after K's words last week and the deterioration since, i think i need to admit it) i am again.
All i was is to be held in someone's arms and so i can cry my eyes out, somewhere safe and warm. I certainly could have done with that at midnight last night when i was wondering around the village. But as J said, "we could do that. but what then?" and i suppose she's right. I think i'd never was to let go. Certainly not while i'm feeling like this. Perhaps thats why i'm thinking about S ward, because i know there's the most caring HCA there who knows the importance of a hug when its needed. But that really isn't a reason to go back there. I think my main reasons where to escape the black hole, but i need to remember the black hole will come with me and at least home here i have meds at my own disposal and if i need to harm to stop the demon in my head, i can.
J's right. S ward is not the place to be.

Friday, 16 October 2009

Scared by Scary Thoughts and Feelings

I'm scared. By myself. Myself, my thoughts and my feelings.

I'm scared by the destructive demon. Its getting stronger and is reminding me what i'm capable of. I'm relearning to deal with the consequences myself again.

What's even scarier? The fact that i'm even considering the awful mental health ward. The place i hate so much, have run away from so many times and been dragged back to just as much.

If these new meds don't make an improvement soon, i'm reaching the end of my teather. Destruction and harm are taking over and controling my mind, i've considered every option.

J spent 45 minutes with me tonight (i was last on her list), she reminded me of how far i've come and how when she came to the secure unit i was on for a meeting and to see me. She was shocked i remembered, however as i said to her, i was told much later when i was better, that both her and JP, my previous devoted GP, had been to the unit. She told me tonight how sad she felt, scared she felt for me and how horrible it was to see me there. She just made me want to cry and she did give me a hug briefly. She was a star (as always), she popped next door to ask K to do a repeat prescription (with an increase in dose) of the diazepam, and suceeded. K is kind of top dog, but J is so experienced i know K would listen and trust her judgement.

So i'm now up to 10mg of diazepam when i need it and i have enough until i see K again on monday. I want to cry and run away. in fact i think i might go out for a walk right now, because i need to cry yet again. Samaritans or the park? or the woods? I don't know but i need to get out. Even though its 10.30pm.

I've cried so much today, in fact, almost all day apart from tescos and during an indian head massage which i thought may help shift the tension and calm me. Although i'm not sure i can handle the oil in my hair.

Sunday, 11 October 2009

Quote of the Week

From mum (unsurprisingly because i barely speak to anyone else), about my recent plummet into a major depression:

"Can't you just rationalise yourself out of it?"

Saturday, 10 October 2009

Scared and Surprised

I need to write something. I'm scared that if i don't my brain will stop. Its like i can feel my emotions dying slowly and i'm going into automatic pilot. I sit and look around at my surroundings trying to find something to cause a reaction inside me.

I want to cry but i can't. The tears aren't there. I can't find the sadness anymore, now that its gone there seems to be nothing.

I tried to sleep this afternoon. I was tired but obviously not physically because i couldn't sleep, so it was clearly just the emotional drain after yesterday. So drained though that it's gone from overload to empty. I'm staring at the keyboard, looking at my fingers, praying that they will tyoe something that will explain this breakdown. The screen is fading in and out of focus as i stare through it.

I was glad of the diazepam when i went out with mum this morning. I was surprised to find even being out with her didn't make me feel safe enough. Nothing does right now. I want to be back in K's room. See what is it about that, that makes my eyes tingle? As soon as i typed that i could feel a longing and sadness. I have a longing and yearning for comfort, care and cuddles. I hung around mum tonight whilst cooking dinner like a lost puppy, but the hugs never happened.

I'm amazed and am slowly realising how low i've sunk and how much the black hole has swallowed me already. At least this time i have caught it before someone else has stepped in and caught me instead.

Friday, 9 October 2009


The breakdown came. The tears flowed morning, noon and thereafter. A phonecall, a trip to the minor injuries unit & an emergency GP appointment.

There was so much comfort i wanted yet so little i got. From K, the nurse who patched me up, No. From my boss briefly, but from his dog plenty! I think if i'd asked the newer receptionists (who don't know my detailed and unsettled history with the doctors surgery and my teenage attachments with staff there) i may have got a hug but i purposely didn't accept their offers to sit behind reception to hide my distress from others because i really wanted to try and leave that troubled teenage longing behind. It was too hard though and just caused more tears and sobs. G seemed to understand this when i explained it to her, and it was nice to know that there's someone there who understands and knows my fears and panic.

Seeing K felt so safe in her room. I knew the destruction wasn't going to happen there, and i knew i could cry as much as my eyes would let me (which seems to be infinite). She gave me 2 different PRN meds for anxiety and panic, one for psychological and one for the physical symptoms. And the anti-depressant, which was the original reason for the telephone consultation, has been changed yet again to Sertraline (Zoloft or Lustral), hopefully no more sleeping but a lift in mood again.

I can handle mild depression, maybe even moderate but when it reaches severe and/or destructive, it's too much to manage alone.

K told me to call her in the week if things got out of control, i don't want to phone her because i know if the meds don't contain things the next step is one i don't want to take. I'm not going back to Serpent Ward, i know i don't really want to. Yet the place has been playing on my mind, day dreams almost like flashback about the place. Something inside me has been questioning whether a rest there would be an escape for a while but as i realised when i was saying all this to K, it's not going to let me escape from me mind and what goes through my head.

K tells me she's pleased with me, but everytime she tell me i struggle to accept it. She say i've come a long way and i understand what she means. As a teenager i would have overdosed or run away when feeling like this, but instead i ran to her - i ran to her for help. It just doesn't feel very different to those previous years, up here, in my head. The thoughts are the same, the destructive demon inside my mind still compels me to do the same things. The main difference is my age, my maturity - i've grown up. I think of others now. Mum, in particular. I was semi honest tonight after trying to put up the front. She still doesn't know how bad things got today, at least i hope she doesn't.

K always brings me back to reality. After sorting out short term meds and changing the other over, i mentioned her earlier suggestions of a stabiliser to go with the anti depressant. I wasn't meaning there and then, i simply wanted her to know i was thinking of it. Her words:

"perhaps this is not the time to think about that, when you are so acutely ill right now."

Acutely Ill. I'm verging on hospital. I'm even considering it myself! She's right. Things aren't good. I need to stop denying it. I'm just hoping today's crash was the bottom and that there's no further to fall.

P.S I don't think Eastenders helped a great deal but i felt i needed to watch it, as though i was being cowardly if i didn't. But that scene with Stacey Slater is very similar to how my first hospital admition came about. Police, chases round the village, ambulance journey to A & E and a sobbing mother & daughter. I was 14 at the time though and went willingly to escape, so sectioning wasn't necessary on that occassion.

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

The demon inside.

Its waking up. It didn't like the dark red round tablets, but the two colour capsules are no match for it.

It reminds me of what i've done and where i've been, what i could do again and how easy it would be.....will be.

It will never leave me. It is a part of me. Do i want it to go away forever? If it does, won't it be a part of me going too?

I wish i knew why the demon wanted to destroy me and leave me with permanent reminders. It's been pushed aside for the past 3 years, overtaken by ED, but now its back and i can feeling taking over the space that ED left within me.

I'm too tired to fight it right now and i'm not even sure i want to fight it. It helps me manage my feelings. The feelings that feel overwhelming again; that i can't let out, that i can't show anyone or tell anyone, because they think i'm doing well. They think I'll be normal one day. I can't disappoint them and tell them that that day will never come and that the demon is in me - I am the demon.

Family will be upset, disappointed yet still have false hopes. Medics will either push me towards more pills or give up, having tried repeatedly. Friends? If i had any, they'd get fed up, move on and rightly so.

I don't want the demon to go. It is part of me. I'm lost without it.

Wake Up and Get Moving!!!!

Thats it. I really have had enough this time. My weight and BMI have increased yet again and shows no signs of stopping, i've reached a BMI of 22.7 and am now more than a stone heavier than i was before anorexia took hold. Once again the weigh in caused tears.

I'm now napping morning and afternoon and sleeping almost 10 hours at night. M said i was just like her cat, sleeping 50% of the day!

I have a phone consultation booked with K because its impossible to get an appointment and i'm going to tell her that i want to (and am going to) stop taking the clomipramine. And that i'm going to take the risk with my mood.

Then maybe i will get my backside down to the gym and then hopefully that will make a difference, but if not i guess its time to look at my diet and see where i'm going wrong there.

Oh, there was one more thing. The joys of being female have struck - yes, my period started and after an absence of 3 and a half years. I never did cope well with it before, but this first one has been more of a mental struggle.

All of that and one of my old CPNs (who i got on well with and kind of miss) telling me i looked "good" when she passed me today has left me with more tears and upset that i've felt for a while, but then recently i guess by trying to stay awake i've not had time to stop and cry. My head is reeling right now and it feels like its almost time for the afternoon nap, as my head also hurts and my eyes are closing. I need to make it down the road to the post box first and do a bit of online shopping for a very poorly little girl (no, i don't mean me!).

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