Wednesday, 7 October 2009

The demon inside.

Its waking up. It didn't like the dark red round tablets, but the two colour capsules are no match for it.

It reminds me of what i've done and where i've been, what i could do again and how easy it would be.....will be.

It will never leave me. It is a part of me. Do i want it to go away forever? If it does, won't it be a part of me going too?

I wish i knew why the demon wanted to destroy me and leave me with permanent reminders. It's been pushed aside for the past 3 years, overtaken by ED, but now its back and i can feeling taking over the space that ED left within me.

I'm too tired to fight it right now and i'm not even sure i want to fight it. It helps me manage my feelings. The feelings that feel overwhelming again; that i can't let out, that i can't show anyone or tell anyone, because they think i'm doing well. They think I'll be normal one day. I can't disappoint them and tell them that that day will never come and that the demon is in me - I am the demon.

Family will be upset, disappointed yet still have false hopes. Medics will either push me towards more pills or give up, having tried repeatedly. Friends? If i had any, they'd get fed up, move on and rightly so.

I don't want the demon to go. It is part of me. I'm lost without it.

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