Monday, 14 December 2009

K the Catalyst

I haven't had such a bad time after seeing a GP since i crashed the car after seeing Dr PJ in 2005. In fact it was almost de ja vu, because i saw her in exactly the same place and drove the same route home. Coming down that hill tonight - well i did break in time eventually and also there were more/too many other cars around to crash myself without endangering others.

I stopped off at the other surgery on the way, cancelling the appointment K made for me in 3 weeks time with her. I barely spoke to the receptionist, she called me forwards by name, i handed her the bit of paper K had written on earlier and simply asked, through my tears, her to cancel it. I was glad to see my balloon had arrived safely, it looked magnificent, as did the one at the sister surgery, where i saw K today. The anonymous balloon sender strikes again!!

I made it home in one piece but still sobbing, battling my way through urges to devour the packet of nytol in my drawer, book a room at the travelodge (not sure i should spend another £45 after spending £365 on a gym membership today!) or drive 30 minutes to the samaritans drop in office.

Best thing to do - put on a coat, grab the ipod and leave the house. Even if it is drizzling with rain and absolutely freezing cold. But a bench next to the church was the solitude i needed.
Mum asked me what happened and why i was upset. As i told her yet again, i do not know exactly what it was that upset me.

My first confession was that it wasn't until i wrote things down or tried to go to sleep at night that i realised how much i was keeping inside and holding back. She told me that things weren't ok and that with mum to protect i had become rather good at hiding the truth.

K asked me directly if the sharps and chemicals had stayed away, and in fact started laughing when my gaze moved swiftly in the other direction. I think she gathered there and then what the answer was going to be. However it was then that the uncontrollable tears started. She asked me why, i tried to explain that i felt the damage that had been done was so minimal and insignificant and just wasn't enough. She went on to say that i wasn't the only person to feel this way, that she had seen other people with similar problems and that infact she had another patient at the surgery now with similar issues.

I'm not sure how that made me feel. Jealous? I'm not sure. did i want to be the only one like this? Part of me wanted to ask how this other person was, and ask whether they had any resolutions to their problems, almost as if to make a point and prove that nothing can me done to help me or make this shit go away.

I told her about the gym which she said she was pleased about but wanted me not to look at the possible negatives like wasting the money by not going, or going far too much. What i managed to keep from her was the fact that i haven't actually eaten anything yet today. Diet cokes and sugar free apple quash - and i haven't felt even slightly faint - shows how much extra weight there is to lose i guess.

She wants me to spend some of my time with Dr L alone rather than with mum in there having her say tomorrow. I admitted that if mum was there i wouldn't have to say things and admit them. I can hide behind mum - like a 5 year old, as K added. She also wants me to ask to see someone else if i'm not happy seeing Dr L. why? what is someone else going to be able to do? They're not going to do anything different to Dr L.

It feels like my heart is breaking slightly by not seeing her. I feel like i'm betraying her by not going to see her when she has asked me to and squeezed me in but i can't go through feeling so suicidal after an appointment with someone i trust. If i don't feel ok after seeing her, then i would really rather not see her at all. She wants me to drop off the blade to either her or J at the end of the week, but i just can't do that.

She took my hand before i left, as normal but held onto it for longer than normal "try and have a reasonable christmas" she said.

I left wondering whether i was going to make it to see Christmas.

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