Wednesday, 29 September 2010

This is why i don't trust my MH team/trust

A story (*Suicide warning*) in the local paper just popped up on my facebook feed, it shows me that i am right to not trust my crisis team, or any of the local MH team in my area. This story is about the same team who sent me -someone well known to them, including the nurse who assessed me that day/morning/night (i don't recall what time of day it was) & well know for being a massive danger to myself - home, after an OD that left me unconscious & seizing.

Obviously places, names and any other details that might give my identity and location away have been removed. (So its bascially just the outline of the story!)

Depressed man killed himself three hours after hospital discharge

By Court Reporter

THREE hours after a depressed man was discharged from hospital, he jumped in front of a train still wearing his pyjama top and NHS identity tag, an inquest heard.

Mr Patient, 46, of A Nearby Town, was assessed by a mental health nurse at The local Hospital, Scummy Town, September 13, 2008. The medic decided he was calm and co-operative and allowed him to go home an inquest at Court Town was told today.

Mr Patient, of a close, down a Lane, was not having any further thoughts of suicide at that time and was optimistic, the nurse (not a nurse i recognise) told the Coroners Court.

The skilled handy man was discharged at 11am with arrangements for follow up care in the community.

However, at 1.45pm, he jumped from the platform at Edge of Scummy town station in front of the 80mph town to city train.

The inquest heard that Mr patient had left a letter at his place of work which was recovered later.

The coroner was told that Mr patient had a history of depression, suicidal thoughts and self-harm and was well known to local mental health services.

He had recently suffered a relationship breakdown and on September 11, he was treated in hospital after drinking a large quantity of alcohol. He said he was feeling depressed.

Mr Nurse, a registered mental health nurse with the Crisis Assessment Treatment Team for 'local county' NHS Foundation Trust, told the inquest he had dealt with another patient and was asked to see Mr Patient, even though it was 2am. (even through it was 2am?? The crisis team are meant to be 24hrs are they not? why else are they based at the hospital MH unit and doing night shifts??!!)

Mr Patient agreed to the 45 to 60 minute interview and the nurse said he was aware of his history and the state of his relationship.

He told the inquest: "When we saw him, he was calm, he was co-operative, was willing to speak to us and engage with us.

“While he was tearful about his circumstances, he did tell us he felt safe to go home, he was not having any further thoughts of suicide at that time and was being optimistic about addressing his problems."

Mr Nurse said that in his professional view, Mr patient did not meet the criteria to be detained under the Mental Health Act.

British Transport Police coroner's officer told the inquest the train driver of the 1.30pm service from the north town saw a man standing within the yellow lines at the platform edge at edge of scummy town station. He sounded the horn and the man stepped back. However, Mr transport officer continued: "Then the male ran towards the platform edge and jumped off the platform in front of the train. Mr patient was wearing a pyjama top and a hospital identity bracelet with a patient number and had a hospital discharge form, said Mr transport officer. The coroner recorded a verdict that Mr patient, who died from multiple injuries, killed himself.

This story is why if i am ever ill i will not go to that nearest hospital that is 15 minutes away (that and bad memories) but would rather go to a hospital that is twice the distance. And i actually chose to do that when K sent me to hosiptal with a self harm injury this time last year. I just have to remain consciousness enough and know what i'm doing to remember to refuse that hospital - which with the OD last year, mum did what she thought was right and i was in no state to call those shots.

Of course hopefully i will not get that depressed again, or lose control to that extent.

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

2000 a day bloody hard work!!

maybe its because i generally eat low fat/calories products but i just feel like i'm eating constantly.

Although i think i'd rather it this way than eating something high calorie, reaching my goal & then still feeling hungry. At least this way i am certainly not hungry. I am going to have a bit of a protein boost too. Tins of tuna, low fat yogurts and tomorrow i'm going to pick up some rice pudding pots - i could eat them constantly, and now i'm not restricting i can! I just hope this pays off and boosts my metabolism for the weight loss. Right now i'm just fat and bloated. Well certainly bloated because i'm only used to eating half this amount!

i might leave weighing until i see M, and tell her of my experiment after i've been on the scales so i know what the effect has been first.

I've run 20 mins for the last 2 days. lots of pain in the leg though. But i managed a 45 minute class tonight. Another gym class tomorrow and 2 on friday. Energetic volunteering on Thursday, which includes lots of walking and a bit of running - must wear a pedometer this week! If i can i'll run thursday afternoon too.

However my leg hurts just sitting here now. Time for a bit of elevation.

Monday, 27 September 2010

Breaking out

I'm going to try & set myself a challenge for the next 5 days, although to get results it would probably take longer than that.......

Anyway, i need to get my body out of starvation mode. I'm going to try and eat 2000 calories a day. Doing at least 4 hour long classes plus a very active thursday morning volunteering & an extra bits like hopefully more 20 minute runs (at least 3 a week) and eating a diet/weight loss level of calories is proving totally futile & getting very frustrating plus thats with a supposed weight loss suppliment too!

Something needs to change. I haven't had bloods done for a while but when they were checked previously in this situation, came back normal. so its not a thyroid issue. So all i can think it my body has slipped into starvation mode.

eating normal amount at my grandparents where there are sweets, treats & plenty of stress happens with reat ease & i probably go over that 2000. But back home i'm finding it hard to fight those doubting demons what ask:

"do you really need that?!"

Its 6pm & by my food diary i think i'm about at 1150. But that has taken topping up with low cal hot chocs, so i'm learning to add up by 40's!!

If i pile on the pounds, the experiment will end and other suppliments will be tried - i have a sports one in mind. but if things remain the same, i'll try and keep going.

It seems crazy, eating more in order to lose weight!!

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Paranoia strikes again

If you've found this mum

I'm sorry if you are worried but this is my only place i can really get out whats going round and around in my fucked up head.

We were watching something on tv, a sciency programme, and she said something about the "correlation doesn't prove a cause"

Is it a coincidence between that comment and my previous post? I dearly hope so. but what worries me is mum's been really off with me that last couple of days. No doubt i've done something wrong, just wish i knew what!

Monday, 20 September 2010


It hurts. Maybe my online buddy was right. Maybe i shouldn't have applied. Maybe applying for a job at my doctors is going to hurt more than any others.

K didn't seem to agree & maybe she's right. Afterall this is the first rejection - at least the first i've got to hear of. The first application before the one for my surgery, i still haven't heard from - that was about a month ago.

Even seeing K these days gets me in a emotional mess state. After a meeting with her i still leave crying, and there was nothing deep and meaningful discussed. Just my worries about uncertainties about the future and what it may hold, now that i'm trying to make changes again. Leg injuries/issues which are still not sorted. My attempt at volunteering and why i feel too scared/anxious to go back - even though nothing went wrong in the slightest (other than blisters) & the goings on the TP, Dr L and psychology.

She said that the practice manager had shown her my application.

"It was a good application. Just keep trying"

I'm guessing from that comment that i didn't get an interview etc.

I'm not sure i want to see K anymore. I don't really want to se anyone. Its probably because everytime i think/talk about whats really going on in my head, i just get more upset. It varies to different degrees of distress depending who the person is and how hard they delve inside my mind.

In general right now though i want to ignore all the shit & low mood & anxiety as much as i can. I can go to the gym & work my butt off, not have to talk to anyone & just ignore how much i hate myself, how much i screwed up in the past, how scared i am of history repeating itself.

Thats another thing K challenged me on. The corrolation between types of jobs & how long i've lasted. In a full time stressful job with a bitch of a boss (she was a bitch to everyone but those higher or equal to her), after 2 months i drove my car down a hill into a ditch, with a very lucky escape - that was 5 years ago last week. In a very quiet, lonely office with little stimulation after a few months i was sectioned after a very dangerous harming episode where actually if K hadn't responded to my terrified phone call, and got me an ambulance i doubt i would be here today. In fact a nurse at the hospital told me most people's bodies wouldn't have survived that.

As K put it though,

"Thats like saying the number of babies born in denmark increased, there for the number of storks increased"

The effect was not necessarily caused by the job satisfaction basically. And that i need to put those fears aside and let go of that association, because as K said there have been many incidents, sectionings and hospitalisations without a job being involved.

I just want to get a job, settle in, keep running/training & going to the gym. Keep up the volunteering, work permitting. And everything will be ok....................

Thursday, 16 September 2010

So angry, so upset. Could easily harm even though mum & D are home, but thanks to a great online friend and her words of wisdom, i am going to ignore this other persons ignorance and focus on what i have achieved this morning.
Conversation below has been edited to remove non relevant subject matter - actually i have trying to help her find a makeover party for her daughter - my step/half sister. Yes the conversation was with my dad's wife (she never has been and never will be known as my step-mother). Plus also to remove specific details of my achievements which might give my identity away.

Her: Hi, voluntary work with disabled and animals, how fantastic, being with the animals, and helping people that really need you as well! Rewarding and worthwhile xx

Me: so long as i have the confidence to stick with it yes.

Her: Why do you need confidence, the people that are participating just want to be able to enjoy themselves doing something that they can't otherwise do!!

Me: Given that for the last 2 weeks i have barely left the house again, going to a new group of people is a major thing

Her: Sorry, I didn't know!


Her: off now, and don't forget, it's the people that are riding that are important not how you feel, you are just the person enabling them to do it. It is a big thing in their lives, it must be awful to be disabled!
Me: its not a song and dance having to see a shrink constantly either
Her: No I'm sure, but at least you can get yourself out of bed and walk around, some of these people can't even do that. I just can't imagine knowing about all the pleasurable things that are out in the world but having to rely on someone else all the time to even get out in the garden!

I wanted to reply with how at my worst, i haven't been able to get out of bed. When i was at my lowest weight i shouldn't have been walking around and didn't often have the energy. A few weeks ago i was dissociating and losing time (fortunately not to the extent that some of other dear fellow bloggers are struggling with) and hiding at home, not even venturing outside the front or back doors. Until the last couple of weeks i haven't thought about anything about life being pleasurable and even now I'm being taken to Italy by mum not because i want to go, but to stop her nagging about when we were going. Ditto that for a Christmas market, although she seems to have forgotten about that one for now. Other than the gym, this is the first thing i have done that i might enjoy (as well as helping others), my challenge of reading a book is proving just as hard.

I'm going no further with this post before i wind myself up again and forget the fact that:
  • i got up and out of the house by 8.30am this morning,
  • drove to a new place,
  • met people I'd never met before,
  • did a task I've never done before,
  • worked with disabled youngsters who can be challenging and/or non-responsive/communicative. (I really wasn't sure how to act, think it will take a while to relax with that one. It seemed easier when i was a teenager & worked with kids with severe learning difficulties!)
  • worked with animals that stir a lot of very strong emotions in me because of wonderful memories that i miss greatly.
But i shall return. I over heard them talking about someone who they were going to ask not to come back & help because she was unreliable - that will NOT be me. I may be many (screwed up) things but most of all i hate being unreliable!

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

feeling special/loved

i don't know why but when people shorten my name i feel special and loved.

H, a practice nurse at the surgery rang a minute ago. She called wanting to speak to mum. I don't know whether she recognised my voice or just associated the address in front of her with me after all the years i've known her and seen her, but she asked for me, Susie Belle, then it changed to Mum Belle, then mum's real name (obviously mum and I now have different surnames once she married D). Once i had said that no, it wasn't mum, H said;

"sorry sue"

that shortening of my name has a really strange effect on me. Its almost like it makes me go weak at the knees. I feel more loved and cared about for some reason. I feel important and special.

On the less positive side, i then felt like i wanted to see H - there is no reason for me to see her unless........... *sigh* i doubt i'll get the job - either of the positions, but i can keep dreaming........

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

They just don't leave you alone do they?

Once psychologists get in your head, they just won't leave you alone. Even when you are asleep!

Last night's "sleep" consisted of 3 dreams at least, one containing a school trip on a miniture train & a forest, although then we seemed to end up at the sea side in a town. I can't really remember clear details of any of them, but then that could be classed as a good thing because it means it wasn't so terrifying & gruesome that they have stuck in my mind (i can still see clear images of dreams from last week because part were more like a horror movie!) but then its also a bad thing because my mind over even more active than when i normally dream - i can't recall a night when there's been 3 dreams, 2 maybe but not 3 scenarios. There was also something about me trying to drive and someone had put hellium birthday balloons on my car and i only realised they were there when i started driving and they started popping!

The last one was about a party in this temporary house, the place was a tip yet i still managed to find some Baby Bel to eat......and then somewhere along the lines i became the hero after i caught the granny of the family as she started falling down the stairs. I caught her and then carried her down to the sofa. It then seemed to turn later into the local post office, there was a bit about sports cars outside and then i went in to the post office and was served by a young girl (she was actually the girl who works in the cafe in the village near the PO, and she's the biggest stuck up bitch ever. i really do not like her) who then tried to charge me for items that already had stamps on them!!

The middle scenario that feels most upsetting was where i was seeing TP (this is what i mean by then never leave you alone) and he came to the conclusion that my mental state and mental health issues plus the headaches and heartburn (which i did suffer a lot yesterday) were due to a physical health issue, he asked me if i had been checked for this condition and we then seemed to then go to the hospital where a nice doctor took my blood & asked me questions. I had changed into a hospital gown and it seemed like i was really ill, and i was left in this hospital bed to wait. They both eventually came back and confirmed that i had this blood condition which was causing all my problems, the depression and headaches too.

I don't really remember much after that dream - maybe that was when i woke up choking with a really dry throat. What has stuck in my mind is him. Do i feel guilty for cancelling that last appointment? Why should i? And anyway the TP in the dream was far more friendly and human rather than the TP i've been seeing. I'm not saying he was a total robot psychologist & non-human but in the dream he felt more like RSA, my previous psychologist who was also male - so its not even like a female/male thing. OR maybe it was the fact that he found a cause, a reason for everything i have felt, which in reality there still isn't and probably never will be.

Saturday, 4 September 2010

Appetite control

I don't understand why i can't control my hunger? Or rather why nothing seems to satisfy it today. Especially when i've eaten far more than i normally would in a whole day, and its only 5pm!

I don't think i'm thirsty, and i'm not even that tired, compared to how tired i have been. Sure the dreams aren't brilliant, i mean hospitals, eating disorder inpatient meals, being sectioned and nightmares containing walking on horses which turned out to be dead aren't exactly happy but last night didn't seem too bad. However i did get myself all stressed out about jobs & interviews and imagining how i would handle it, what i would wear, what would happen step by step etc......

Maybe its just the stress of the job applications and the one in particular that i hand delivered today - that gives a bit of a clue that its not too far from home. I saw the advert last week & have asked so many people & debated it over and over until i've sobbed and cried. Some people have said its not a good idea, other have told me just to go for it (including the bloke from the MH employment charity) but mum has still kind of said she doesn't think its a good idea & i think i'm probably still looking for her approval. Another friend online is worried i will be more hurt by rejection from this than any normal job application, and maybe i will.

I don't know. I can't work on whats going on in my head - and maybe thats why i'm using food to cope with it. I can't decide if the application was right.....

BIT LATE NOW!!! it seems i can't decide if i'm really hungry or not. Have i just answered my own question?

Everything just feel so unsure. I don't feel sure about what's really going on in my head, or my life really. Perhaps physically i'm not that tired, but mentally i'm exhausted.

Oh & due to injury and lack of gym & running for 10 days i'm also bloody miserable a lot of the time!! And stressing that i'll never complete the marathon next April........yes, NEXT APRIL - months away!

Did i mention there's a lot going round in my head and i'm a little tired?

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