Sunday, 13 December 2009

Why am i like this?

Why do i feel so lethargic? Why do i have no motivation? Why do i can to binge? (or at least eat more that i should if i'm going to shift any of this extra weight)

Maybe its the stress levels rising of the next 4 days, in fact 5 - include today.

Sod it - i want a chocolate - theres a huge box of 48 belgian chocolates and i've resisted for 2 weeks so far. Things is already hate myself for a cereal bar. Now part of me says "you hate yourself for that already so you may as well have the chocolate" and the other part of me says "stop it. you had one extra thing, don't make it worse." The battle makes me want to cry. I think i need to get my ipod, plug myself in and block the thoughts out.

Sniffed the chococlates, decided against it...... went and found myself something sharp to put in my room instead.......I'm never going to reach my goal.

I can feel my emotions and panic rising, i feel like i just want to eat. Maybe thats because mum's upstairs. If i felt like this and i was alone, i think the feelings would be more intense and to deal with it i'd run up and down the stairs six time, or if it was dark i'd go out for a walk/jog, or i'd do something else....a little more damaging.

I really must get that tattoo done, maybe it will take the edge of things - for 24 hours at least. Actually my stomachs kind of hurting a bit today, more a dull pain than hurting pain.

Really must stop pulling my hair out.

Are you getting the disjointed feel of this post? Thats how my brain is right now. Words don't come out right, i seem to say a completely different word to what i'm thinking. I was telling someone about a pumpkin that my friend carved for halloween last year, except i said "last week" and i didn't realise until about 2/3 minutes later. I suddenly realise that what i had said didn't make sense. It seems to be happening far more often than previously.

Mum was talking about for going for a walk. As fat as i feel, and hideously lazy as i feel, i just don't seem to have the energy. my mood feels so deflated. I was planning on joining the gym properly tomorrow, but no doubt i'll make another excuse. Then it's off to see K in the afternoon, actually its at 4pm, which is normally when i struggle most, so maybe thats the right time to see her.

OK, confession time. The needy little girl in me has been calling out more and more recently. Its this little girl's voice in the back of my mind that longingly calls out names when she needs comfort and security. It calls out for my first real counsellor, who lives in the same village as me. For J and for K. I also know where K lives, and her son is actually a 'friend' of mine on facebook. I went to the same school as her 3 children when i was at secondary school, although her eldest was bullied so decided he would rather go to another private school and board there. I recall bumping into him once at a swimming gala at that school, he was the timekeeper for my lane. Maybe i read too much into it at the time, or maybe i had a touch of a crush on him back then, but i kind of felt a connection, although i think i misread that connection. It seems from facebook that me may actually be gay. I always have had lots of gay friends and found them more understanding, maybe thats the signals i was misreading.

When mum was talking about going for a walk, i started planning a route - via K's house, as a footpath runs straight past it, and it would be on a plausible walk route across the countryside. Its that unhealthy connection and obsession forming in my head again. I want to latch on and i don't want to let go. I'm terrified K (or J) will decide to move jobs and leave the surgery, like Dr PJ, my GP between the ages of 14 and 19, did 4 years ago. I found that so hard to deal with and she is still in my (messed up) thoughts so much. She gave me the address and phone number of her new workplace, and at one time i knew her address too, if fact i think i still have her home phone number somewhere too. Addresses are easy to find even if people are ex-directory - so long as they apply for planning permission, which Dr PJ had when i looked a few years back, and so had K - or rather her husband, who was also once a GP at the surgery.

But i'm not stupid enough to contact them there. Not while i've got my sensible head on and am in control of myself. Its more of a security thing. And i feel very panicy and insecure when people leave and i have to try and start again with someone new. It feels like i'm losing a member of my family almost. Well i guess in someway they know me better than my family.

Right, it's been decided, we're off to an antiques centre, which will still involve walking, but will also involve lunch at a tea room...........oh joy...

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