tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10935059241267375412024-02-08T02:31:56.876+00:00Seeking Sanity"Use the past as a springboard, not as a Sofa" (L.Clark)Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.comBlogger282125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-84714136374936037732018-02-08T18:23:00.001+00:002018-02-08T18:23:59.228+00:00SorrySorry I lied
Sorry I deceived
Sorry I brokes the rules.
Sorry I disappointed you
Sorry I caused problems,
Yet again.
I'm sorry for my actions
But I can't be sorry for the way I feel.
I can be responsible,
Regretful, remorseful.
But I can't control, the intrusive thoughts.
I want to move forwards
But I also want to go back.
Back to the "chilled out",
To the relaxed, the happy,
The Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-73517204821956909092018-02-06T22:18:00.001+00:002018-02-08T18:26:29.728+00:00BusyYou're busy
He's busy
She's busy
They're busy.
Looks like I'm going to be busy too.
Not how you would like, but then what does it matter,
You are all busy.
If you weren't busy we could talk,
Do word puzzles,
Snuggle up on the sofa in the lounge,
And chill out with others.
But my mental state does not permit  other in,
Certainly not a group,
And certainly not from my side of the fence.
I Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-13516699699968597932018-02-05T20:34:00.001+00:002018-02-05T21:09:20.911+00:00Will you promise me a maybe?Will you promise me we can always talk?
Be open and honest with each other,
Laugh and joke?
Will you promise me that you'll always be there?
Even if I have to wait for you
Or search to find you?
Will you promise me that you will never hurt me?
Or at least warn me of the dangers that lie ahead,
With as much will that's within your power.
Will you promise me that if you see me again, you'll Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-5983218679273157042018-02-03T19:48:00.001+00:002018-02-03T19:53:34.104+00:00Red flag relationshipI want her to be my Miss Honey to me as Matilda
Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-37933939504563936682018-02-02T20:50:00.001+00:002018-02-02T20:50:52.624+00:00Red FlagA week ago the flag was white,
Yet now its postbox, phone box red,
Blood red.
And they're multiplying.
I don't mind the flags,
They provide a sort of comfort,
In their own confused way.
They provide a secret language.
Words I cannot utter.
Thoughts I hate to admit.
I wish I could change the colour.
In fact there are other colours.
The envious green
The purplexed purple
The gloomy grey.
Sadly Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-90640870863251697262014-01-10T21:51:00.001+00:002014-01-11T00:33:02.712+00:00ConfidenceI told my lovely mentor that I had a little boost from a tutor in the revision session. I feel he may have over emphasised by saying I "smashed it".
She replied saying "i do agree with your tutor in that you probably will smash it! You are the best prepared out of all my students and thankfully more than ready for this exam."
I still can't deal with people being kind to me, especially those that Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-53524616360005352692014-01-09T23:54:00.001+00:002014-01-09T23:54:40.948+00:00ForgetfulI think I may have just double dosed on my meds again..... I'm not sure. I wasn't sure if I took the lunch time dose so took one just in case and I've just done the same with the night time dose.
Don't suppose it really matters as it doesn't have to much of an effect short term. I think there has been a difference since the dose increase in general long term, its been a Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-8207599020026952062013-12-31T16:15:00.001+00:002013-12-31T16:16:07.521+00:00Comfort and CompassionI'm so glad she's my GP.
After feeling like she didn't understand how much things had affected my before christmas, today I just felt that harsh and firm attitude had gone. After telling her about the family arguments over christmas and how I was defending by all except the one who doesn't think before he speaks and doesn't care how he make others feel, as i sat with the tears rolling yet Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-45721779293789664812013-12-13T21:08:00.001+00:002013-12-13T21:08:58.975+00:00An answer to her questionI was asked today if I want to stop doing the damage to myself that I've done in the last 10 days. I've lashed out so much. To go with the severe bruising to my arm which I ended up getting xrayed, there's now the 2 injuries that needed suturing which I did on the same day. The 2nd resulting in another trip to the minor injuries unit, where I was seen by the same nurse. Fortunately I was allowed Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-22188608636086394592013-11-28T23:36:00.001+00:002013-11-28T23:38:44.845+00:00Feeling humanI text my mentor earlier to let her know where to meet next week and also thank her for the session today as although it is her job I still wanted her to know I appreciate her time. I told her how I felt more human after the stresses and lows of the last 2 weeks, but in doing so and thinking about it more and also on receiving her reply I realised that it possibly would be better to go backSusiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-77887891128160934532013-11-22T02:16:00.000+00:002013-11-22T02:17:15.499+00:00Making a MessI wish someone could clean up the mess i've made. At 2am though its either me or a 15 minute drive in a car that is frozen over.
I wish i could get someone to do it for me. To take care of me but i can't let it show either. The paperwork trail is too dangerous as well.
If someone would do it for me anonymously with no stress, where i could just relax with no fear of repercussions.
Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-70227953086627708642013-10-07T23:24:00.002+01:002013-10-07T23:26:06.446+01:00Seeking Help to Maintain SanityI went to see an adviser today, who was suggested to me. He was a slightly off the wall character but he had that air about him that made me feel reasonably safe and pretty sure that he had experienced mental health issues himself, which is what i had been told by my referrer.
He was quite relaxed about the whole thing and nothing i said seemed to phase him or worry him. He asked me if i Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-37594002413303101842013-10-04T22:45:00.001+01:002013-10-04T22:45:58.629+01:00A different locationI didn't realise how much this was going to affect me.  Or rather it is affecting me in a way I didn't expect.
I feel like the clock has been turned back 10 years.  I'm back in a hospital room.  It's the weekend and lots of the students have gone home.  Just like the good old days I'm one of the ones still here not going on weekend leave.
I wish I could recognise the Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-68316405555018693102013-09-05T22:33:00.001+01:002013-09-05T22:33:28.911+01:00Nightmares of the future? I had a nightmare last night that I was sectioned 6 days before I was due to start at university. I was suicidal in the dream and had been planning and thinking of every way to harm myself severely. One of my gym instructors seemed to be in the role of my doctor and arranged for me to be sectioned because she knew what I was thinking and planning. 2 women came along with Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-45907372749635620162013-08-31T21:59:00.001+01:002013-08-31T21:59:34.769+01:003 weeks until the ultimate changeYet again it's been a long time since I posted anything. However I now realise that certain things don't happen when you are busy all the time.   Leave for work at 7.15, work normal hours,  do overtime,  go to the gym and then come home eat and curl up on the sofa before repeating again the next day. Not only do blog posts not happen but neither does self harm - unless things Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-74253734939795737162013-07-10T06:50:00.001+01:002013-07-10T06:52:08.391+01:00Going downhttp://whisper.sh/w/MjE1MjU5OTE=
Download Whisper at https://bitly.com/KymccP
Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-90361903897409416362013-01-16T21:40:00.001+00:002013-01-16T21:40:34.822+00:00A step too farIt seems I'm not willing to go to absolutely any length do shift the fat.
Side effects that include fat seepage (which stains and makes the bathroom hard to clean) are not pleasant or worth it.
I'd be willing to pay for surgery right. The money spent on supplements long term probably totals what lipo woulf cost after all.
Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-42196897588772828412013-01-01T01:50:00.001+00:002013-01-01T01:50:07.975+00:00New years resolutions1 - drop a dress size (or 2!)
2 - stop picking at cereal and picking bits out of cereal boxes that aren't bought for me.
3 - be the fittest I can be and have more defined muscle prefrrably biceps and 6 pack
4 - stop eating cheese (this may not last long!)
There are more things I want to do but not such good ideas or sensible if I want to pass occy health and go to uni.
Sadly that's how I feel Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-57005984759996800692012-12-01T22:09:00.001+00:002012-12-01T22:09:55.690+00:00Self controlI seem to have lost all sense of self control and will power and I don't understand why I can't stop myself from eating so much. It used to be so easy.
I bought a dress for a Xmas party today. It's a size bigger then last year. Loud think that would stop me but no I've stuffed my face again this evening with fruit, cereal bar, cereal,  frozen yogurt,  cheese salad for dinner.
The Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-18183131698413773562012-01-27T08:59:00.002+00:002012-01-27T09:23:40.885+00:00No excusesTheere are no excuses for my abscence.I just haven't felt like blogging.There still been plenty going on. Maybe there's been too much going on. I don't do very well with time management; My room is a tip, I haven't completed the extra bits on the volunteer project i've been doing, I haven't started the college (yes i'm attempting to study again)assignment i got monday (its now Friday), I'm tryingSusiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-7155694861036945002011-08-08T22:06:00.003+01:002011-08-08T22:35:26.589+01:00I don't know what i'm thinking anymore.
Saw K today & left feeling worse than i did before i went in. I knew i should have left when time was getting tight, although i did still manage to make it to the gym on time for evening classes. Thank goodness i had combat after LBT, i had so much agression to let out, although i didn't manage to make it out of the studio before i started crying.
I Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-42287437146537673332011-07-14T20:17:00.003+01:002011-07-14T20:39:54.392+01:00Stumbling ProblemI have a porn problem. A food porn problem. I'm back into the habit of googling & floolwing links to recipes, and saving some of them in my favourites, knowing full well i will probably never make any of them. Although i have gone as far as to buy some of the ingredients for one.I've been here before. I know the signs, but i don't want to stop them right now. I'm losing weight & i'm Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-58854410872952566402011-07-12T22:42:00.003+01:002011-07-12T23:05:27.539+01:00I don't know what i want at the moment. I don't see a future. It is purely day to day. I get up throw myself at the gym & exhaust myself. In the last 9 days i have done 22 classes plus a 15 minute run plus exercise walking at the stables of about 4 hours in that time.I'm going to try & cut back in the next week. Either i've exhausted myself or i'm anaemic again, either way the blood test Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-29616585772191383682011-07-03T21:45:00.003+01:002011-07-03T21:54:51.832+01:00Exercise overloadI've just booked a few (for few, read 5) classes at the gym for a week tomorrow. I had a count up my planner at the same time. I have 17 hours of classes booked in the next 7 days. Its got a bit out of control. The caffeine addiction will well and truely set in by the end of this week, if it isn't already.That 17 hours doesn't include 4 hours of volunteering with horses, a rare night out on Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-29587056709270330842011-06-29T11:02:00.002+01:002011-06-29T11:29:27.622+01:00"Even if it is broken............there's nothing that can be done anyway, is there?"That was my response to K this morning when she asked me if i wanted an x-ray of my hand. If i had made a better job of punching then perhaps & even though i am in pain, couldn't make a fist for her, flinched every time she touched the knuckle it still doesn't mean there is anything that can be done.She said to strap it up & stick Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0