Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Prevention is better than cure (not that there is a cure)

I saw K today, talking to her and admitting things to her made me realise i need to stop kidding myself once again, and admit to myself that my lowering mood may not just be because i'm tired.

She made me rewind and look back at when and why my depression/mental health issues started. Answer: Age 10 ish for not apparent reason. I simply never seemed to settle after moving house, in fact there were a few signs before that. I can recall my mother going to see my teacher when i was 9 to ask her about my mood and behaviour. Basically what she was getting at was that the depression was not caused by a major traumatic event and is more down to genetics and biological factors. As she put it a diabetic needs medication to stabilise blood sugars and someone with depression needs medication to stabilise their mood. So i've agreed to start back on the Lofepramine again. K thinks it did me some good, and she's a very experienced and knowledgeable GP, and i trust her. Immensely.

Sitting talking to her i could talk through my thoughts and secret actions with her and by doing so i realised that all the signs were there; crying at silly little things (like mum persistently asking to put some foot cream on my feet - i hate people touching my feet)and also for no apparent reason and thoughts of self harm becoming a reality. The blunt razor blade didn't cause more than a few scratches and i don't think i could cause myself the damage i used to anyway, in fact i'm not sure how i ever did. But today after realising i had forgotten to put sun tan lotion on my back and feeling it starting to bun, i purposely did nothing about it. I wanted to it burn, I wanted to cause 3rd degree burns, i wanted it to blister, i wanted it to hurt.

Its not enough though. I want to cause more damage. I want to get these crappy feelings out of me. K asked me if she needed to restrict my prescription, whether i was likely to overdose in other words. I assured her that despite wanting to destroy my body on the outside, i feel no urge to do so internally. I guess this has more to do with how i feel about my physically self right now, and how much i despise the way i look and feel. Yet despite this i'm going to go and get some chocolate because i want comfort. Afterall once this free chocolate is gone, its not like theres going to be anymore and i have two full days at work to burn it off!

Monday, 15 June 2009

And still i continue to eat......

Apologies for the absence but Susie Belle is back - well, just. By last night i could hardly walk, and this morning although my lower back and hips feel slightly better, its now my knees that are causing the most pain.

The weeks holiday wasn't very relaxing. I don't think we've ever done a holiday where we've just laid on the beach and sunbathed, but to be honest i don't think i could. I don't have the patience, i'd get far too bored.

Anyway despite taking oodles of fruit to snack on and rice cakes etc etc, i managed to gain weight! The major downfalls came on the last 2 days, when we visited 2 attractions that offered the chance to buy cakes and sweets, and also we were moored in a town centre which meant very easy access to shops. So on the friday at an old fashioned museum, when my hunger and cravings got the better of me, i bought 2 extra (secret) cakes to the one i had planned for afternoon tea/afternoon snack and then on saturday we visited Cadburys World.....

Oh dear...... free samples galore! A dairy milk caramel bar, a dairy milk bar, a curly wurly, a packet of dairy milk buttons and a 50ml pot full of molten milk chocolate with a snack/sweet of your choice. I thought the jelly babies would make it a bit too sweet, so i chose popcorn.

I didn't eat ALL of the samples, in fact before lunch i only had one of the packets of buttons. and after lunch i only had the 50ml pot thing from the Essence exhibition. But the came the gift shop....when buying a photo frame i also bought a roll/packet of chocolate eclairs and on the 2 and a half hour journey home ate the lot.....

Thing is despite wanting to cry and feeling horrendous and thoughts of self harm and suicide running through my head everyday, i still carry on eating. It is still mainly fruit for snacks, but i'm just not doing enough exercise to combat the food i'm eating. I know i said it flipantly about becoming obese but at this rate it really is heading that way.

Its almost like i just don't care though. It feels harder to fight the hunger than deal with feeling like crap and looking pregnant. Maybe i'm just to tired to care.

Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Had enough

I'm too hot (over 25 degrees C is too much for me), i'm still kind of tired, i'm hungry (so whats new!)


I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!
and now i'm getting pissed off because i can't change the font or size back to normal.
my bulging, scar covered stomach is poking out between my top and my shorts. i just want it to go away. i'm fed up of looking pregnant. i want to be slim again but how can i be when i'm constantly hungry and have no energy for exercise.
48kg this morning. thats about 5kg where i'd like to be - where i used to be.
i cry because i'm fat. i put it down to tiredness. should i consider the fact i took myself off the lofepramine a couple of months ago? maybe i'll just stick with the tiredness theory for a while longer. time for a nap.

 
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