Thursday, 2 December 2010

Ooops & Ouch

Its been a long time since i've ridden a horse and also riding with damage to my stomach. Must remember that carrying saddles & dismounting involves a lot of contact with the stomach!

Having said that walk, trot & canter was lovely! A free ride, for helping out in the snow. Good deeds pay off. Good boost to the confidence too.

But 3 hours at the yard & yesterday evenings emotional breakdown left me shattered, so much so that i slept for an hour and 20 mins this afternoon.

However tomorrow morning i am supposed to be running for that length of time! Eek!

Tuesday, 30 November 2010


Dietician in London wants me to eat 1600 a day, keeping it the same each day & eating the majority before evening -maximum of 600 for dinner/evening.

Eating earlier means i am just left hungry later on still. When i was restricting in the mornings more at least i knew what i could allow myself later on. But now - today especially - i have 300 calories left of that allowance and it not even 6pm.

There has been punches thrown but i really felt like doing a lot worse to myself. Trouble is i have almost finished an application to Uni (i know, what AM i thinking?!) but they way my harming is, i can't risk being found out. Harming for me is never superficial anymore, it hasn't been for years. But if something goes wrong...... I just can't risk a disaster - more for the Uni course - i can't risk occy health failing me. I really want take it out on my arms but that is just unacceptable.

But i can't cope with this.

It seems K doesn't really understand, which only leaves M. At least K agrees that going to the CPA and facing Dr L & TP would cause unnecessary distress. But she doesn't seem to understand the food thing. I mentioned that i couldn't live my life on 1000 calories a day - to which she replied some girls do. But K, are they girl who are also trying to train for a marathon?!

She just seemed to imply that this was just a normal girly thing - yes maybe - but surely its a bit different for someone who had a BMI of 12 less than 2 years ago?

I'm dreading the weigh in with M tomorrow, i'm sure after 7 days on 1600 (and a weekend over that because weekend are shit, oh & today which i have also spent in my PJs crying) that i will have gained, which means i dread to think what will happen after a month like this, not that i'm sure i will be able to keep it up.

I just wish i could find a job or rather be accepted for a job & life could be normal. The longer i'm in this hole the more i feel i'm being dragged backwards. And i'm losing the will to fight it again.

Friday, 19 November 2010

Children in Need - Slap in the Face!

One of the first clips they showed tonight for the appeal was about equine therapy. It featured young people from Northern Ireland who suffered from various mental health issues, including BPD. The intro said how they contemplated suicide, self harm bla bla bla....

Sorry, but it makes me really angry. As a teenager i would see the programme and imagine how these various charities could help me & make my life better, but i didn't have access to them - no instead i got sectioned or admitted to an adolescent unit, spending nights on adult psych wards until they found a bed on the adolescent units at age 14!

Surely in their research they must have realised how rare access to equine therapy is! I tried and tried as a teenager to find it, but discovered there were only a handful across Great Britain. And i don't think the situation has changed much, as i have looked within the past couple of years again.

But my point is how many other young teenagers are sitting watching Children in Need, quietly next to their parents, hiding their emotions, feelings & possibly the fact that they self harm? How many are thinking "Thats how i feel! Maybe equine therapy could help me!" Only to find that it is next to impossible to access. How many teenager feel like Children In Need is just a slap in the face because they are unable to access any of these charities, groups & services?

Friday, 12 November 2010

Nightmares (gets horror movie style at the end)

I was so pleased to be woken up by mum closing my door to this morning. I felt trapped in the last part of the nightmare. It was as though i was aware of them moving around next door but i couldn't escape the nightmare which was just about to develop into a horror movie.

From when i remember, it started with being on a ship or ferry or some kind of boat, which capsized and sunk with us inside. Must have got out though, not sure how, don't really remember the end of that dream.

Then there was something about going to a theatre with mum. That seemed harmless, nothing nasty there.

The next bit was back to the hospital setting. I seemed to be coming back off leave, except i wasn't allowed to go to my room on my own & was followed by 2 members of staff. My room had be turn upside down by builders but in the process they had broken a chocolate figure i had (something i was keeping as an ornament, not planning on eating) & it was now a headless figure. I started to lose my temper and look round the rest of the room which was filthy. The toilets hadn't been flushed, there had been a rabbit living in the room & there was straw & rabbit poo everywhere. It was a shit hole basically.

I then seemed to be outside the ward & saw a bloke i knew, he was with 3 others getting out of a car & rushing to a house. I stopped one of the other guys & asked him if i could go with them, he told me he didn't think i really wanted to do that. It seemed to dawn on me that they were about to go & section someone. I asked this other guy if i knew him, is said he worked at Goldsmith (which i appeared to know as a secure unit across the other side of the county) but he also said that he met me when i was there. I told him i hadn't been an inpatient there, however he told me other wise. At that point my words were "Oh shit" and i remember thinking "How many other places have i been or been sectioned to and remember nothing about?"

Now comes the horror movie bit

The row of houses that they were going into was an area of supported housing for those with severe learning difficulties. This then changed to one house in the countryside where a mother had got her daughter with Downs Syndrome to lure this young girl to their house with the help of another lad. In the back garden there was a bridge over a large pond, but it seemed to be moving towards us (i seemed to be there just as an observer) & the disabled girl had a large piece of paper which she fed through this machine that was attached to the underside of the bridge. It cut this paper into thinner slices, a bit like a meat slicer. I could see the young lured girl standing in front of his bridge unaware as it was coming towards her, i could see what was going to happen, i felt like i was screaming inside for it to stop & although i'd already imagined what had happened, i didn't see it happen in the dream, which at least felt like it wasn't so real and graphic.

Which was why i sprang out of bed this morning and now an hour later have filled myself with caffeine tablets, painkiller, a light breakfast & am now going to go to the gym and start a 3 hour exercise session. 1000 calories here we come!

Sunday, 7 November 2010


Every now & then there are things that bring me back to reality and make me realise that i'm not as strong as i think i am. Brings me back to reality so to speak.

I've helped someone set up a website page for their business. It was a business i was simply at a customer at but became friends with the owner during a period when i needed a safe place to be & just sit. She let me sit in a corner of the shop during quiet afternoons & just be. So when i picked up mood wise i offered to do this for them.

Now the page is up & running, the business is growing and i discovered this morning that i may have just lost my unofficial place in the team. The owner isn't totally computer literate & last week i spent half an hour teaching her some admin bits and i thought she'd asked me to go back next week for lesson 2, but having checked the page this morning, the Saturday girl is now an admin & another account has been created under the business name. Why i don't know, because she was able to do it from her personal account.

I know its not my business, i know i'm not an employee but i feel hurt & rejected. I feel like i don't want to go there & buy thing anymore. We are regular customers, buying produce weekly, but i don't want to face them.

Right now i want to hide & cry. I can feel the tears building. I guess i just don't know where i stand.

I don't think it helps that we went to friends for dinner & fireworks last night & my 1100 workout Friday didn't help in the slightest. Its that shitty out of control, overeating feeling.

After nibbles of peanuts, crisps & olive there was a starter of onion soup the a cheesey toast on top. A main of spaghetti carbonara, slightly healthier because it was the traditional way with egg and a little cheese, rather than the modern cheat of cream & cheese. But then came dessert which was a selection of small cakes & tarts cut into larger bitesize portions and then came the chocolates. Stress levels being high i lost control & even when we got home at 12.30am i kept going nicking a chocolate of mum's & the a WW rice pudding - at that time of night!

Now this morning i still feel out of control, can't get myself together - need to go for a run but can't find the motivation or just get my head together. I need to do half hour or about 3 miles, but i can't do it with my head not focussed.

Saturday, 6 November 2010

BBC: Benefit reforms could 'push thousands into poverty'

From my point of view i disagree with this article. Not because i think the benefits reform is a good & right thing.

But i don't think with me i would/will be pushed into poverty. I must say this is another big reason i am trying to get a job. Instead of being pushed into poverty, if i were forced to get a job and the pressure was on me greatly - that is when i rapidly relapse & fall apart.

I wouldn't be pushed into poverty - i'd be pushed into hospital i think.

Friday, 5 November 2010

Eating Disorder? Nah i'm not losing weight! (calorie details warning)

Yesterday was the London ED Unit appointment. Had to be there for 1pm so yesterday morning i got up, went for a 2 mile run and then left on my 2 hour journey (30 minute drive, 1 hour tube, 30 minute walk). Should have worn my HRM on my journey to see hour my very brisk power walking improved calorie burning. But i didn't so when i go back to the town where the car was i went the gym & did 45 minutes of weights & abs.

So do i have an Eating Disorder? well she didn't really say yesterday, although she didn't fob me off. My description of my diet & a 2-3 mile a day seemed to be enough. I failed to mention the hour in the gym that i also do 5 days a week.

I wonder what she would have thought of today. I want to tell someone because i feel so so proud, but then i also know its not something everyone would understand. I'm not even sure M would be on my side with this one. What i do know is i love my heart rate monitor!

So today's activities:

  • at the gym for 8.10am, dump stuff in locker, change shoes
  • 5 min walk warm up, Training of Run 15 mins, walk 5, run 15. During the training time i managed to cover 3.3 miles all good progress. 5 min walk cool down. (HRM: 405)
  • The back to changing rooms, change shoes, have cereal bar, refill water bottle and go to first class.
  • LBT class 50 mins (HRM: 317)
  • Step class straight after (HRM: 423)
I left the gym on a complete high, no pain from injury & i felt alive. I think a great new step routine helped there. After than i had bits to do at home, mum was home off work, she's still not right after the car accident. Lots of washing (hmmm, some of which is still in the tumble drier....) and then off to teach someone about computers & the internet. So not overly active this afternoon but after burning over 1100 this morning i don't think i needed to be jumping up and down all the time.

As for the eating side, if i don't know exact calorie details i always make sure i over-estimate, so according to the food diary the final total with be 1300 by the time i go to bed.

Now if that regime doesn't lose me this spare tyre goodness knows what will. I know today was more extreme than normal, i mean calorie intake is normally around that, although we are going out for dinner tomorrow night so i'd better behave during the morning and at lunch! But exercise sessions normally total about 400 right now, although as running times increase that will too i guess.

But if i feel that good after 3 hours on a friday morning, i don't care. Makes me sad to think that as soon as i get a job i'll lose that. Guess it will just mean very early runs and evening classes to get the work done.

Saturday, 30 October 2010

Dreaded DWP Medical

So the phone call came today, 6 months after i sent back their medical forms. I thought i'd escaped it, i thought it had been so long that it wasn't going to happen.

But no. In 2 weeks time i have the appointment i dread & fear, even more than seeing Dr L & TP who i refuse to see after last weeks appointment, was going to blog about it but i just can't even talk about it or think about it. Even trying to tell K 2 days later, i couldn't make words into a sentence to tell her what happen, although i had been distracted by something else i had seen on her computer screen about me. And the way i fell apart crying after i saw K means as much as i trust her and respect her, i can no longer see her either. Or in fact go down to the surgery at all, so that means no J, no susie - none of them ever again.

So anyway after i tried to hold it together for a bit and finished carving my little pumpkin, sitting using a knife when i really wanted to do something else with that knife, was all a bit too much. I went upstairs layed on my bed & sobbed for about half an hour. I think in the next 2 weeks there is going to be a lot of that.

I'm shit scared. What do i say? If i'm looking for full time work, then i'm fit to work, although everytime i react to an appointment like this, or even the thought of one in this case, i severly doubt whether this is a good idea. whether any of it is a good idea. I know i can't go on like this. Appointments are too distressing, so carrying on as though i'm fine is the only other option that sees my alive, and we all know where the other option sees me. Plus the hurt the other option will do to my family.

Oh shit, crying again. Can't afford to show mum how bad things are, because then she's really just going to say that getting a job is a bad idea, and i hardly seem to have her support as it is.

Am i fit to work full time? I've applied for jobs that are 30 & 35 hours a week.

The last time i had a DWP medical i was 2 stone lighter than this, so now not only am i applying for jobs to try and get away from this shitty benefits system, but i'm a fat cow too.

I need to stop thinking about this. I know on the day i'll fall apart under the pressure, but does that show i'm not fit to work? does that show i can't cope? What are they going to say to me?

Whats worse as usual is i will be all on my own, in a town i don't really know, an hour from home & then i will be driving down the motorway sobbing as usual, except this time it will take far longer for me to reach the safety of home than it normally would when i'm in that state, because i'm never more than 20 minutes from home.

Friday, 29 October 2010

Eating Out & Distraction

Its mum & D's anniversary today & mum wouldn't shut up about me not going out to dinner with them. So to keep her quiet (as usual) i relented and went. Now i severely wish i hadn't.

It started fine, but then D ordered a started and expected me to share it. It was 5 chunks of bread with oil, vinegar and salt for dipping. I said i didn't want a started but he kept offering it to me. I hate myself for it but i gave in. I only had the equivelent to about a large slice of bread, a bit of the vinegar and some salt. So i'd safe certainly no more than 200 kcal tops.

As a main i'd order a starter portion anyway, but as i was eating in all i could think was "the fat in this goats cheese" & "the oil in these dressings". Plus the rectangle of polenta had been fried, shallow not deep i think, but still greasy. And the veg had been oiled before roasting too. Why can't people cook anything without oil thesedays?

Then what really got me all over the place, was i saw Susie. Thankfully she was there with friends who weren't work collegues, so there wasn't anyone else who might have recognised me. My intention was to order a starter and then maybe have pudding later. But as soon as i saw her I didn't want to eat another thing. I felt so self conscious. Part of me wanted her to see me in heels, tight jeans and a lowish cut top rather than the state she normally sees me in when i need to see her. But all of a sudden i just wanted to get out of there. I didn't want pudding & luckily there wasn't anything i really fancied, but i didn't want to sit and linger like mum & D were either.

I was so distracted after i'm seen her. I don't know why. She knows me well, we get on, i trust her - she's totally lovely. So why did i freak out?

Food should have been too much of a worry. So far i'd had junst under 1000 kcal, so still had about the same again to go. Plus i'd been for a run before lunch which including the warm up & cool down too burnt 370 kcal according to my HRM. So even after the bread i still had 800 at least to go. Yet i couldn't eat anything more after my starter - which was my main course and i still can't now i'm home.

I don't want to eat out again. The way i felt after, the stress..... I came home and immediately changed into my PJs, i wiped the mascara, a rare bit of make-up, that i had applied. I needed to be be back in something where i couldn't feel the waistband digging into the flabby tyre around my waist and making the scars on my stomach so irritated that i just want to scratch and scratch. I didn't want to be in my own body or skin really.

I need to lose the tyre, yet still can't seem to. Powerplate, weights, running - nothing is working. I've given up on the metabolism-boosting-normal-amount-of-calories eating, and it's back to under 1200 if i can but certainly under 1500. Only 5 days until the london ED clinic now, hoping i get to seen the dietician on that day too.

Focusing on one thing really is an issue right now - 2 hours after starting this post i'm going to actually hit "publish post".

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

plan of action

i have a plan. a future plan that would see me in education from next january until at least september 2015.

I don't like telling people of my plan, because;

  1. i get very over emotional because its something i really want to do.
  2. i don't want people to laugh in my face because they think i have no hope in hell of achieving my dream.
  3. i don't want to tell people i'm doing it then fail and disappoint everyone - not that i think i'm going to fail, but as we all know anything could happen.
  4. i don't want people to assume that i'm absolutely fine and hunky dory, rather than just being determined to ignore the way i feel and the thoughts in my head.
yes suicide does still pass through my mind, as does self harm and there are still buckets of tears shed everyday. but i'm not happy with life now, if i was training in something i was interested and had a job i enjoyed, surely things would be different?

It will be a long slog to qualify because to even get to uni there are 2 course i have to do before hand.

The trouble is i'm not just focusing on the courses i want to do but all the financial shit that goes with it. You could say its a good thing that i'm looking at the whole picture and thinking of everything but the trouble is i get myself very stressed and worked up because i think there's that part of me that panic, because i don't know about money things like that, so will i have any money? How can i be a full time student and survive?

Although if i couldn't afford to eat that wouldn't be such an issue - i'd rather spend my money on petrol to get me places. Anyway going to the CAB this morning, see if they can help me understand.

In the meantime i'm still job hunting, but yesterday there was nothing i had experience or qualifications for on any of the job website which was around 20-25 hours a week. There was a full time job - 4 x 12hr night shifts (thursday - sunday) but although i'd have complete days off, it is 39hrs a week, so thats full time. I'm rather start with part time to ease myself in which could then let me do the first course which is one day a week from january, but hopefully still work and earn.

just keep looking i guess. After i'm been for a run of course.

Saturday, 16 October 2010

"Raised Gluc"

On further inspection, during a calmer moment, i saw the comment on the blood form for the fasting test said

"Raised Gluc"

I've racked my brains trying to remember my order of events for that day. I saw J at 11am but before that i went for a run.

According to my running stats, i went for a 20 min run at 9.25am. So i wouldn't have got home until 10am which means by the time i'd had a shower, got dressed and dried my hair i wouldn't have had time to sit down and eat.

My food diary shows breakfast finishing with a Jordan bar which is my pre run carbs. then next thing in the food diary is a banana, which i either had after getting back from J, and i think this is more likely having just had bloods taken too.

So if my glucose was still high after a run - something is certainly wrong.

Its not all in my head

Postman's just been. Including a letter from J.

She wants me to have a fasting blood test, which means the normal blood test picked something up. I've never had to have a fasting blood test before. I wish i knew why she wanted me to have it. But i will have to wait 36 hours before i can either call or go to the surgery to find out.

I think i'd rather hear it from J than a receptionist.

part of me is concerned something is very wrong. Another part of me is releived that there may be a reason & an answer, & that its not just a case of me trying to get used to extra weight which is very unwelcome weight.

Have to wait until monday for the blood test too as the phlebotomy centre is only open monday to friday, but i shall be up there first thing as i want to get the results back as soon as i can.

I'm not sure how i feel now. not sure whether the relief or worry is stronger.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

worst nightmare, almost

Mum turned her car upside down & wrote it off. Goodness knows how - she's the most cautious driver - she drives me mad as a passenger!

She's fine. But it stirred up so much shit, both past and present.

Have finally stopped crying after walking round the village in the dark sobbing and then coming home and spending half hour on the phone to the samaritans because the sad realisation is that i have no-one else to call. I tried M but the mobile was off (fair enough she works hard & all day light hours!) Doctors surgery closes at 6.30pm so an hour and a half to late there.

I flicked through my mobile phone contacts, but there really was no-one i could turn to. What i really wanted was some to just hold me while i sobbed, contemplated going to a neighbour but him and his wife where eating dinner when i walked past.

Samaritans i knew i could rely on. This was not the time to deal & get rid of unwanted emotions by self harm. Mum's fine other than a scratch on her hand (she says) - so i should be happy, not distraught.

I haven't eat dinner after a 500-600 calorie (approx) killer class at the gym where i worked my butt off and enjoyed - feeling guilty for enjoying it now when i know mum was upside down in a car at the time. Had a banana but can't eat anything else. 9pm already so doubt i will have a dinner as such.

Its been 2 hours since i found out. I'm still home alone and they still haven't called to say that the car has been retrieved and that they can leave the scene and come home.

And as if by magic.... they called 20-30 mins and they'll be home.

Glad i'm seeing M tomorrow i think i might be shedding a few more thousand tears.

Brain Swimming now Sinking

Bloods taken, results in a week.

Physio referal, wait and see.

Run though pain, just keep going. Must keep training.

Ice x3 daily, reduce inflamation which J confirmed.

Detail everything that passes my lips.

Detail all exercise.

Lose the extra weight - about 14lb/7kg.

Referal to London, hope it comes soon.

Appointment with TP & Dr L, dreading the looming nightmare situation.

Appointment with M tomorrow.

Hair appointment friday - DO NOT let mum pay!

Drop mum & D to airport early Saturday, go to D's work Saturday morning.

Survive 3 and a half days completely alone.

Get head around new staff at the surgery - a job that could have been mine if i hadn't got too close to the place. More new people who don't know or understand. Who's leaving to make room? Who am i going to have to get over leaving now?

Can i handle going to that place to see K anymore?

Keep up the volunteering.

Get a Job.

Keep the job.

Get some qualifications.

Earn some money.

Pay off debts.

Stay in control.

Stop crying.


Monday, 11 October 2010

Benefits Cuts

Its on the news constantly and it's really starting to worry me.

Heard them say on the BBC this morning that if people can work & then turn jobs down they will lose benefits.

This terrifies me. I really want to make sure the job i get is a longer term thing. I down want to be in a situation where the risk of me relapsing again.

I'd like to be able to train & get myself into the emergency services. Its what i've dreamed of since i was 17 and seeing Paramedics on stand by in london & them speeding past on blues.......*sigh*

I've been asking around the EMS bloggers and getting advice, but i still just don't know how to go about it. I just have this horrible feeling that if i ask for help, that people with either laugh or just give me a sad, pittying look because they don't think i will be able to cope mentally or even be considered or accepted onto a training course or a training position because of my mental health history.

I'm stronger than i've ever been & i need that something, that dream to help me stay strong and grow stronger. Neither i or anyone else will know unless i try, and get that chance to try.

Wednesday, 6 October 2010


I don't think i'll tell mum about the appointment in London unless i have too. I know she just won't understand. I especially know this after a comment she made today when she got in from work.

"what did you do stay at home & eat all day?"

(here we go, can't win. Don't eat and she's questioning me & now i'm eating too much)

"what do you mean?" i replied.

"Well its just there's an empty tuna tin AND a weight watchers tuna tin..."

(it's a good job you haven't seen how many extra light laughing cow cheese triangles i've eaten then)

I sometimes think Mum has no idea or concept about calories. In fact i know she doesn't. Her question as to whether the litres of diet coke i drank contained too many carbs, & whether it was causing the weight gain/lack of weight loss that i am so depressed by, told me that she doesn't have that much knowledge.

In actual fact i am only about 75% of the way to the calorie allowance i have agreed to keep up each day until i go back to london to hopefully get some help so i don't have to live the rest of my life fighting my appetite and restricting, just to even maintain my weight.

I did get some understanding from a fellow gym buddy. When i explained the kilo a week gain on 2000 calories i think her words were something along the lines of;

"wow, you're metabolism is really messed up!"

However she did before that say that i looked fine as i am now. But at least she recognises that although i look ok, that things are not right.

*Sigh* i think i'll keep my mouth shut from now on.

Monday, 4 October 2010


This meeting is driving me insane. I had a good chat about it with M today. She offered to come to it - if i could get her an invite. But i'm still not sure i want to go myself. If i go i will spend the next 3 weeks stressing with no doubt more nightmares and on the day being the most horrendous person to live with, not want to be near anyone & then fall apart the next day because i will be trying my hardest to keep it together in front of mum & D.

If i don't go, however, i'm worried that things will be said & confidentiality will be broken without my permission. But if i make the decision that i am not going, now, then i won't have to stress for the next 3 weeks. If i don't go, i will find out my rights regarding confidentiality and then if mum & D come back knowing anything they shouldn't, i'll sue their arses off!

But even in the initial meeting back in january things were said that i didn't give them permission to divulge. I'd told Dr L during an appointment with her that Mum, D, Nan & Grandpa were the 4 reasons i was still alive & if they weren't around i really had no other reason. The depression has worn me down & if i hit a low patch & i was on my own then i don't think i'd see a rason to fight. I'm living my life for mum - which has often been said to me. Anyway Dr L came out with this before i could stop her back in january, and i can recall mentioning that i didn't want mum knowing when i was in my appointment with Dr L. So whether i'm there or not i think things will be said that i don't want said.

I think i need to find out my rights somehow, somewhere.

On the stressful/down side & in other news, M is refering me back to London to the ED unit. She she to refer me back to the unit generally so that i can see the dietician there. She thinks the guy there would be really good & might be able to help. My 2000 a day experiment has gained me nothing but 1.2kg in a week. Hippo-ness here i come! I want to just go back to restricting right this instant. But i can't just yet, i have to stick to 1800 to 2000 until i see the dietician, so i can show/prove that something is really wrong. I shouldn't gain on 2000 a day as it is, let alone with the amount of exercising & walking i do. M is baffled, hence the referal to the specialist again. I'm praying he will have an answer or suggestion but i'm dreading having to go to a place where there will be skinny women that will make me feel even more of a fat fraud.

Its hard enough leaving the house & finding clothes to wear that don't cling to me right now. I stood in the health food shop and cried today trying to decide on a snack to help me reach my 1800 target. It took me 10-15 mins in that shop to buy a simple Eat Natural bar. Its OK going to the gym because there are other people trying to fight the flab and it shows i'm trying my hardest to do something about it. No-one outsie the ED world really understands though. Afterall my BMI is 23.9 & still within the healthy range, so what am i so upset about? Only M truely knows what this is doing to me mentally. With the other issues too, i cried for about 75% of our hour & a half appointment today.

I am starting to think that unless i give in to the weight gain, i will have to live the rest of my life hungry.

Sunday, 3 October 2010

Another reason i never want to see you again

No more secrets

from post secret

Friday, 1 October 2010

Dear Dr L, TP & CMHT admin staff... (explicit language)

Why can't they just leave me alone? I was doing fine again until the letter arrived about the dreaded meeting. And then when mum phoned to tell them about their screw up, they sent me another one - Don't send me another, just FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!

I know about the meeting so i don't need another letter, with a cover note, apologising for "any distress caused" You want to know about distress caused? I'll tell you. When i saw what it was i was fuming, the letter (and cover note) is now back in the envelope in little pieces. After taking my initial anger out on the pieces of paper, i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I felt like i wanted to cry forever, like i couldn't cry enough to get the feelings out. Previously harming is a way to stop the tears - but you are not worth causing damage to myself over. I will not bare scars that are connected to you any more. Scars are only worthy of feelings & emotions about issues that have nothing o do with any of you.

So i went upstairs and lay on my bed with my tears soaking my pillow, it wouldn't surprise me if the pillow is still damp now. I cried all the way to the supermarket & then all the way back home again as i had forgotten the shopping bags where i was in such a mess.

I will not be coming to your meeting, i am going to find out my rights over what you can say without my presence & if i find out my mother knows any details i have shared with you, then i shall be making a formal complaint.

Every week i saw TP my mood plummeted & the harm i caused due to the feelings i felt - i do not need that. The mere thought of seeing any of you drags my mood down instantly & i can't hide that from mum. I do not need you weakening my defences.

I never wish to see any of you ever again.

P.S Dr L, you really need to sort out that midlife crisis, faded red/orange dyed hair. You used to look respectable, now you and your red tights, short skirts and disastrous hair cut and colour look like mutton dressed as lamb. Its actually laughable but in a sad pathetic way not a funny one.

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

This is why i don't trust my MH team/trust

A story (*Suicide warning*) in the local paper just popped up on my facebook feed, it shows me that i am right to not trust my crisis team, or any of the local MH team in my area. This story is about the same team who sent me -someone well known to them, including the nurse who assessed me that day/morning/night (i don't recall what time of day it was) & well know for being a massive danger to myself - home, after an OD that left me unconscious & seizing.

Obviously places, names and any other details that might give my identity and location away have been removed. (So its bascially just the outline of the story!)

Depressed man killed himself three hours after hospital discharge

By Court Reporter

THREE hours after a depressed man was discharged from hospital, he jumped in front of a train still wearing his pyjama top and NHS identity tag, an inquest heard.

Mr Patient, 46, of A Nearby Town, was assessed by a mental health nurse at The local Hospital, Scummy Town, September 13, 2008. The medic decided he was calm and co-operative and allowed him to go home an inquest at Court Town was told today.

Mr Patient, of a close, down a Lane, was not having any further thoughts of suicide at that time and was optimistic, the nurse (not a nurse i recognise) told the Coroners Court.

The skilled handy man was discharged at 11am with arrangements for follow up care in the community.

However, at 1.45pm, he jumped from the platform at Edge of Scummy town station in front of the 80mph town to city train.

The inquest heard that Mr patient had left a letter at his place of work which was recovered later.

The coroner was told that Mr patient had a history of depression, suicidal thoughts and self-harm and was well known to local mental health services.

He had recently suffered a relationship breakdown and on September 11, he was treated in hospital after drinking a large quantity of alcohol. He said he was feeling depressed.

Mr Nurse, a registered mental health nurse with the Crisis Assessment Treatment Team for 'local county' NHS Foundation Trust, told the inquest he had dealt with another patient and was asked to see Mr Patient, even though it was 2am. (even through it was 2am?? The crisis team are meant to be 24hrs are they not? why else are they based at the hospital MH unit and doing night shifts??!!)

Mr Patient agreed to the 45 to 60 minute interview and the nurse said he was aware of his history and the state of his relationship.

He told the inquest: "When we saw him, he was calm, he was co-operative, was willing to speak to us and engage with us.

“While he was tearful about his circumstances, he did tell us he felt safe to go home, he was not having any further thoughts of suicide at that time and was being optimistic about addressing his problems."

Mr Nurse said that in his professional view, Mr patient did not meet the criteria to be detained under the Mental Health Act.

British Transport Police coroner's officer told the inquest the train driver of the 1.30pm service from the north town saw a man standing within the yellow lines at the platform edge at edge of scummy town station. He sounded the horn and the man stepped back. However, Mr transport officer continued: "Then the male ran towards the platform edge and jumped off the platform in front of the train. Mr patient was wearing a pyjama top and a hospital identity bracelet with a patient number and had a hospital discharge form, said Mr transport officer. The coroner recorded a verdict that Mr patient, who died from multiple injuries, killed himself.

This story is why if i am ever ill i will not go to that nearest hospital that is 15 minutes away (that and bad memories) but would rather go to a hospital that is twice the distance. And i actually chose to do that when K sent me to hosiptal with a self harm injury this time last year. I just have to remain consciousness enough and know what i'm doing to remember to refuse that hospital - which with the OD last year, mum did what she thought was right and i was in no state to call those shots.

Of course hopefully i will not get that depressed again, or lose control to that extent.

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

2000 a day bloody hard work!!

maybe its because i generally eat low fat/calories products but i just feel like i'm eating constantly.

Although i think i'd rather it this way than eating something high calorie, reaching my goal & then still feeling hungry. At least this way i am certainly not hungry. I am going to have a bit of a protein boost too. Tins of tuna, low fat yogurts and tomorrow i'm going to pick up some rice pudding pots - i could eat them constantly, and now i'm not restricting i can! I just hope this pays off and boosts my metabolism for the weight loss. Right now i'm just fat and bloated. Well certainly bloated because i'm only used to eating half this amount!

i might leave weighing until i see M, and tell her of my experiment after i've been on the scales so i know what the effect has been first.

I've run 20 mins for the last 2 days. lots of pain in the leg though. But i managed a 45 minute class tonight. Another gym class tomorrow and 2 on friday. Energetic volunteering on Thursday, which includes lots of walking and a bit of running - must wear a pedometer this week! If i can i'll run thursday afternoon too.

However my leg hurts just sitting here now. Time for a bit of elevation.

Monday, 27 September 2010

Breaking out

I'm going to try & set myself a challenge for the next 5 days, although to get results it would probably take longer than that.......

Anyway, i need to get my body out of starvation mode. I'm going to try and eat 2000 calories a day. Doing at least 4 hour long classes plus a very active thursday morning volunteering & an extra bits like hopefully more 20 minute runs (at least 3 a week) and eating a diet/weight loss level of calories is proving totally futile & getting very frustrating plus thats with a supposed weight loss suppliment too!

Something needs to change. I haven't had bloods done for a while but when they were checked previously in this situation, came back normal. so its not a thyroid issue. So all i can think it my body has slipped into starvation mode.

eating normal amount at my grandparents where there are sweets, treats & plenty of stress happens with reat ease & i probably go over that 2000. But back home i'm finding it hard to fight those doubting demons what ask:

"do you really need that?!"

Its 6pm & by my food diary i think i'm about at 1150. But that has taken topping up with low cal hot chocs, so i'm learning to add up by 40's!!

If i pile on the pounds, the experiment will end and other suppliments will be tried - i have a sports one in mind. but if things remain the same, i'll try and keep going.

It seems crazy, eating more in order to lose weight!!

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Paranoia strikes again

If you've found this mum

I'm sorry if you are worried but this is my only place i can really get out whats going round and around in my fucked up head.

We were watching something on tv, a sciency programme, and she said something about the "correlation doesn't prove a cause"

Is it a coincidence between that comment and my previous post? I dearly hope so. but what worries me is mum's been really off with me that last couple of days. No doubt i've done something wrong, just wish i knew what!

Monday, 20 September 2010


It hurts. Maybe my online buddy was right. Maybe i shouldn't have applied. Maybe applying for a job at my doctors is going to hurt more than any others.

K didn't seem to agree & maybe she's right. Afterall this is the first rejection - at least the first i've got to hear of. The first application before the one for my surgery, i still haven't heard from - that was about a month ago.

Even seeing K these days gets me in a emotional mess state. After a meeting with her i still leave crying, and there was nothing deep and meaningful discussed. Just my worries about uncertainties about the future and what it may hold, now that i'm trying to make changes again. Leg injuries/issues which are still not sorted. My attempt at volunteering and why i feel too scared/anxious to go back - even though nothing went wrong in the slightest (other than blisters) & the goings on the TP, Dr L and psychology.

She said that the practice manager had shown her my application.

"It was a good application. Just keep trying"

I'm guessing from that comment that i didn't get an interview etc.

I'm not sure i want to see K anymore. I don't really want to se anyone. Its probably because everytime i think/talk about whats really going on in my head, i just get more upset. It varies to different degrees of distress depending who the person is and how hard they delve inside my mind.

In general right now though i want to ignore all the shit & low mood & anxiety as much as i can. I can go to the gym & work my butt off, not have to talk to anyone & just ignore how much i hate myself, how much i screwed up in the past, how scared i am of history repeating itself.

Thats another thing K challenged me on. The corrolation between types of jobs & how long i've lasted. In a full time stressful job with a bitch of a boss (she was a bitch to everyone but those higher or equal to her), after 2 months i drove my car down a hill into a ditch, with a very lucky escape - that was 5 years ago last week. In a very quiet, lonely office with little stimulation after a few months i was sectioned after a very dangerous harming episode where actually if K hadn't responded to my terrified phone call, and got me an ambulance i doubt i would be here today. In fact a nurse at the hospital told me most people's bodies wouldn't have survived that.

As K put it though,

"Thats like saying the number of babies born in denmark increased, there for the number of storks increased"

The effect was not necessarily caused by the job satisfaction basically. And that i need to put those fears aside and let go of that association, because as K said there have been many incidents, sectionings and hospitalisations without a job being involved.

I just want to get a job, settle in, keep running/training & going to the gym. Keep up the volunteering, work permitting. And everything will be ok....................

Thursday, 16 September 2010

So angry, so upset. Could easily harm even though mum & D are home, but thanks to a great online friend and her words of wisdom, i am going to ignore this other persons ignorance and focus on what i have achieved this morning.
Conversation below has been edited to remove non relevant subject matter - actually i have trying to help her find a makeover party for her daughter - my step/half sister. Yes the conversation was with my dad's wife (she never has been and never will be known as my step-mother). Plus also to remove specific details of my achievements which might give my identity away.

Her: Hi, voluntary work with disabled and animals, how fantastic, being with the animals, and helping people that really need you as well! Rewarding and worthwhile xx

Me: so long as i have the confidence to stick with it yes.

Her: Why do you need confidence, the people that are participating just want to be able to enjoy themselves doing something that they can't otherwise do!!

Me: Given that for the last 2 weeks i have barely left the house again, going to a new group of people is a major thing

Her: Sorry, I didn't know!


Her: off now, and don't forget, it's the people that are riding that are important not how you feel, you are just the person enabling them to do it. It is a big thing in their lives, it must be awful to be disabled!
Me: its not a song and dance having to see a shrink constantly either
Her: No I'm sure, but at least you can get yourself out of bed and walk around, some of these people can't even do that. I just can't imagine knowing about all the pleasurable things that are out in the world but having to rely on someone else all the time to even get out in the garden!

I wanted to reply with how at my worst, i haven't been able to get out of bed. When i was at my lowest weight i shouldn't have been walking around and didn't often have the energy. A few weeks ago i was dissociating and losing time (fortunately not to the extent that some of other dear fellow bloggers are struggling with) and hiding at home, not even venturing outside the front or back doors. Until the last couple of weeks i haven't thought about anything about life being pleasurable and even now I'm being taken to Italy by mum not because i want to go, but to stop her nagging about when we were going. Ditto that for a Christmas market, although she seems to have forgotten about that one for now. Other than the gym, this is the first thing i have done that i might enjoy (as well as helping others), my challenge of reading a book is proving just as hard.

I'm going no further with this post before i wind myself up again and forget the fact that:
  • i got up and out of the house by 8.30am this morning,
  • drove to a new place,
  • met people I'd never met before,
  • did a task I've never done before,
  • worked with disabled youngsters who can be challenging and/or non-responsive/communicative. (I really wasn't sure how to act, think it will take a while to relax with that one. It seemed easier when i was a teenager & worked with kids with severe learning difficulties!)
  • worked with animals that stir a lot of very strong emotions in me because of wonderful memories that i miss greatly.
But i shall return. I over heard them talking about someone who they were going to ask not to come back & help because she was unreliable - that will NOT be me. I may be many (screwed up) things but most of all i hate being unreliable!

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

feeling special/loved

i don't know why but when people shorten my name i feel special and loved.

H, a practice nurse at the surgery rang a minute ago. She called wanting to speak to mum. I don't know whether she recognised my voice or just associated the address in front of her with me after all the years i've known her and seen her, but she asked for me, Susie Belle, then it changed to Mum Belle, then mum's real name (obviously mum and I now have different surnames once she married D). Once i had said that no, it wasn't mum, H said;

"sorry sue"

that shortening of my name has a really strange effect on me. Its almost like it makes me go weak at the knees. I feel more loved and cared about for some reason. I feel important and special.

On the less positive side, i then felt like i wanted to see H - there is no reason for me to see her unless........... *sigh* i doubt i'll get the job - either of the positions, but i can keep dreaming........

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

They just don't leave you alone do they?

Once psychologists get in your head, they just won't leave you alone. Even when you are asleep!

Last night's "sleep" consisted of 3 dreams at least, one containing a school trip on a miniture train & a forest, although then we seemed to end up at the sea side in a town. I can't really remember clear details of any of them, but then that could be classed as a good thing because it means it wasn't so terrifying & gruesome that they have stuck in my mind (i can still see clear images of dreams from last week because part were more like a horror movie!) but then its also a bad thing because my mind over even more active than when i normally dream - i can't recall a night when there's been 3 dreams, 2 maybe but not 3 scenarios. There was also something about me trying to drive and someone had put hellium birthday balloons on my car and i only realised they were there when i started driving and they started popping!

The last one was about a party in this temporary house, the place was a tip yet i still managed to find some Baby Bel to eat......and then somewhere along the lines i became the hero after i caught the granny of the family as she started falling down the stairs. I caught her and then carried her down to the sofa. It then seemed to turn later into the local post office, there was a bit about sports cars outside and then i went in to the post office and was served by a young girl (she was actually the girl who works in the cafe in the village near the PO, and she's the biggest stuck up bitch ever. i really do not like her) who then tried to charge me for items that already had stamps on them!!

The middle scenario that feels most upsetting was where i was seeing TP (this is what i mean by then never leave you alone) and he came to the conclusion that my mental state and mental health issues plus the headaches and heartburn (which i did suffer a lot yesterday) were due to a physical health issue, he asked me if i had been checked for this condition and we then seemed to then go to the hospital where a nice doctor took my blood & asked me questions. I had changed into a hospital gown and it seemed like i was really ill, and i was left in this hospital bed to wait. They both eventually came back and confirmed that i had this blood condition which was causing all my problems, the depression and headaches too.

I don't really remember much after that dream - maybe that was when i woke up choking with a really dry throat. What has stuck in my mind is him. Do i feel guilty for cancelling that last appointment? Why should i? And anyway the TP in the dream was far more friendly and human rather than the TP i've been seeing. I'm not saying he was a total robot psychologist & non-human but in the dream he felt more like RSA, my previous psychologist who was also male - so its not even like a female/male thing. OR maybe it was the fact that he found a cause, a reason for everything i have felt, which in reality there still isn't and probably never will be.

Saturday, 4 September 2010

Appetite control

I don't understand why i can't control my hunger? Or rather why nothing seems to satisfy it today. Especially when i've eaten far more than i normally would in a whole day, and its only 5pm!

I don't think i'm thirsty, and i'm not even that tired, compared to how tired i have been. Sure the dreams aren't brilliant, i mean hospitals, eating disorder inpatient meals, being sectioned and nightmares containing walking on horses which turned out to be dead aren't exactly happy but last night didn't seem too bad. However i did get myself all stressed out about jobs & interviews and imagining how i would handle it, what i would wear, what would happen step by step etc......

Maybe its just the stress of the job applications and the one in particular that i hand delivered today - that gives a bit of a clue that its not too far from home. I saw the advert last week & have asked so many people & debated it over and over until i've sobbed and cried. Some people have said its not a good idea, other have told me just to go for it (including the bloke from the MH employment charity) but mum has still kind of said she doesn't think its a good idea & i think i'm probably still looking for her approval. Another friend online is worried i will be more hurt by rejection from this than any normal job application, and maybe i will.

I don't know. I can't work on whats going on in my head - and maybe thats why i'm using food to cope with it. I can't decide if the application was right.....

BIT LATE NOW!!! it seems i can't decide if i'm really hungry or not. Have i just answered my own question?

Everything just feel so unsure. I don't feel sure about what's really going on in my head, or my life really. Perhaps physically i'm not that tired, but mentally i'm exhausted.

Oh & due to injury and lack of gym & running for 10 days i'm also bloody miserable a lot of the time!! And stressing that i'll never complete the marathon next April........yes, NEXT APRIL - months away!

Did i mention there's a lot going round in my head and i'm a little tired?

Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Cancellation Time

I am finally, after about 8 sessions, going to pluck up courage and cancel an appointment with TP. I think i have finally reached my limits. After last sessions loss of time and the response (or lack of) that i got about that issue this week has made me decide to put a stop. Seems kind of silly as it is the final assessment session before a shared meeting between me, mum, D, TP & Dr L (which i am not totally intending to attend, although as far as i know no-one's officially told us of this meeting), in 3 weeks time.

Anyway after last week, all the previous outbursts after sessions & then his comments saying he wasn't sure whether the sessions were the right thing for me & his questioning of whether i wanted to turn up for the final session - I've decided, after having bought something to stop the tears and regain control that i'm not going to let them control me - any of them. I don't want to do sessions for mum anymore.

I don't care about damage right now. I'm angry at TP for not telling me much about what went on last week, but i want to scream and shout at the top of my lungs how awful i feel. But i can't do that without upsetting or worrying others, so it will have to be our little secret.

I still feel bad about not wanting my life, but sat there today i wanted it even less. Alone in that room with him i could be honest, i didn't have to pretend which meant i could let go, but back in the real world i came home to find D already home, which meant i had to grab some things out of my room and leave the house, but with no appointments with the nurse and very little first aid kit left..............oh it turned into a failed (mini) mess. There's always tomorrow though - when i will NOT fail.

Thursday, 19 August 2010


As you may be able to tell from the title, it's not happy things in Susie's world right now. So if you are of a nervous (or too caring/a worrier) disposition then i suggest you read no further. And please no comments of go to hospital, just in case - because ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

(isn't that pretty)

I'm falling, fast. Or rather i think i've fallen. 3 x 3 stitches in the last week. Lots of punching and hitting (not a lot else you can do whilst driving and trying to make your way home without crashing the car as in 2005).

I admitted to M today that the last 2 nights i've downed a handful of ibruprofen (with no affect i might add) and for some reason i feel the urge to do it again. I can't tell you why. That i do not know. All i know is the dissociation is getting worse. Monday whilst driving, Tuesday morning which sitting at home and worst episode was during psychotherapy session with TP.

Of that i recall very little other than the tunnel vision, bright lights and a dog barking, which is interesting because its in a building where that is a long way off the high street with a dental surgery in front and a car park behind. In all my years of going there, which is about 6 now - i have never heard any noise from outside the building. I was brought back to life by TP's next patient outside the door saying something about her car and needing to be there at quarter past the hour. I started to think that he had doubled booked. My appointment was at 3.10pm and i thought that it must be about 3.30pm which was why she was getting stressed because at 4.15pm she had to sort her car out.

No - it seems it was 4.10pm already and i'd been there an hour not 15 minutes as i thought. My thoughts about it now?

Oh Shit what did i say in that hour?
What the hell did i tell him?
How much information have i divulged that i really didn't mean to?

Perhaps thats why another handful of tablets seems insignificant. I want to escape this even more than my brain is already trying to help me do.

What i don't want to do is have mum find me again & end up in hospital with her thinking she's watch me die. I don't want to go to Shitty Ward either.

But hugs aren't enough to soothe things i've found. I was praying it would be. I thought that all i needed was a pair of safe arms to cry into. I've found those safe arms, which i'm probably just clinging onto because i feel so vulnerable right now, but yesterday it wasn't enough comfort. Today it felt better but there were other people around. I don't get sympathy off of Mrs A but i think thats a good thing, however she is happy to put her arm round me - which then caused me to cry further. There is someone else, another T, who i would willing go to for comfort right now, but she is almost 6 months pregnant and its not been straight forwards for her, so i can't put anything on her right now. But i think i would get the comfort. I need to learn that it isn't going to save me though.

Having said all of the above - want to hear something really funny? I've just redone my CV and written a covering letter. I'm applying for a job!

Ha Ha Ha!

There's nothing else you can say to that really.

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Please don't leave now.

Just when i'm falling apart, my stupid obsessive googling makes me panic more.

I saw M today & just decided to put her into google...... How many people with M's full name can there be working for my area's NHS mental health trust? The headline of the article i found says

"specialist nurse appointed to deliver dementia care in [my area]"

The opening line of the article which was published on July 9th 2010 then says

"Dr M, who has more than 20 years experience in the NHS....."

well i know she does lots of study along side work, as she has study days often & sometimes mentions assignments that are overdue, so she could have a PHD and be a doctor.

I'm so worried now that i'm going to lose someone who has been a major support to me over the last 3 years. She hasn't mentioned anything, and i would have thought would have by now if she were leaving. I don't think she'd leave it until the last minute to say anything because i'm sure she'd know how i'd react.

Me and my stupid obsessiveness with the internet. The internet is bad for you. Google is damaging.

I can't cope with out knowing M is there at the moment, even if i don't call her in the mean time (mainly because there is nothing she could do anyway if i called in a crisis) - i still know that we have an appointment in a weeks time. Its the reassurance i need right now.

Wednesday, 11 August 2010


my thoughts are slipping away from me and the black clouds are creeping in. I cried so much yesterday that i barely shed a tear when i saw J 45 minutes ago.

Yesterday is a blur of tears, clouded over by mold dissociation where i struggled to focus to drive to the gym at the end of the day, with the only control over my mind being brought about by harm. When that amount of damage doesn't hurt, i know it's time to be concerned.

Today is clear and i feel awake but totally numb, the tears shed this afternoon are nothing in comparison to yesterday.

I'm not sure which is preferable - the severe distress of yesterday or the numbness of today.

The words i spoke to J felt cold and rational, in total contradiction to the content of those sentences about losing control & nose diving in mood. Even talking to her couldn't bring me back to normality or find me some comfort. Another sign i need to watch out.

I think i kept it inside for too long. Holding things together & keeping them to yourself doesn't protect people in the long run.

Sunday, 1 August 2010

fancy dress

I won't need to find a fancy dress costume for the marathon - As i will look enough like a f***ing Hippopotamus as it is!

Sorry, I'm cross. Cross with myself, and my lack of ability to remain in control of my disgustingly high food intake today. There are 2 reasons, firstly is that i eat more on the weekends anyway, due to rising stress, lack of gym routine and my mum & D being around all the time. Today though, came the extra appetite increase, in the form of my period. It seems that the pain, discomfort and fatigue from the start of that, doubly raise my appetite.

Cravings for chocolate have been high. But with a lack of real chocolate in the house means a couple of chocolate icecreams (100 calories each), low cal hot chocolates (and suprisingly not so many of them and mini chocolate bars (actually meant to be Hypo cures for step dad) - but only one of them eaten so far. However mum and D are both now out of the way (in other rooms) for a bit and the cravings remain.

I've reached the point where i don't really care (found another rarity - biscuits. couple of hotel twin packs left over from the recent holiday) I've eaten more bread and cheese during lunch than i should, more pasta salad and mozarella, tomato & basil salad (3 slices of each) than i should have. I had a banana on bread for breakfast (after the pre breakfast mandarins) which was totally wrong. I feel like i've come this far, i may as well carry on.

All those feelings despite the fact that i know i have a weigh in with M tomorrow at 2pm.

I told myself i was going to get back to the gym and get rid of the holiday weight gain, and that didn't exactly happen very well - although the caffeine/aspartame withdrawl where i went cold turkey from diet coke after we came home, didn't help my energy levels - in fact i slept every afternoon due to major headaches/migraines. But this week i will work hard, but i also need to restart the marathon training, with serious intent. I need to get the balance between not exhausing myself so i can't complete my training plan but also working off this excess weight. I have heard others say that when they haven't been able to lose weight even when going to the gym, that running had shed the pounds, so i had better get pounding those streets (and the treadmill) and stop eating all this crap too!

I have a dream from last night that has been lingering in my mind all day. I just keep getting flashes of it. Something about me being ill and being on a school trip, except i couldn't go with them and to stay in the sick bay instead. But i was quite seriously ill, it was almost as though i lost consciousness and when i came round in the sick bay it was the next day. Maybe there's another part to it that i'm not remembering clearly but i can't shift it from my mind. Something's haunting me thats for sure.

Thursday, 15 July 2010

11 other people

Thats how many other people there are in the house right now. I need to escape. I can't go running for a few reasons.

  1. I don't have any trainers with me
  2. Its so hot and humid i'm sweating already!
  3. I had my nails done today - toenails too and i'm going to feel so guilty if i damage them before the wedding, especially as someone else paid for it!

I feel fat and horrible. Each day i tell myself that today is the day to slip under the radar and not each. I managed slightly this evening by having just salad, containing a boiled egg but fell down with the bread and butter probably equivilent to about 3 slices. Managed to regain control over dessert by just having the strawberries and not the cream or sponge cake.

Started the day with a bowl of cereal and fruit, then sushi & edamame beans and a beetroot juice for lunch, but lots of snacking on cheese curds and also some fruit.

Over all not bad today, but previous days have included chocolate cake and apple pie for dessert.

I think another reason i'm falling apart is the lack of email contact from M today. Maybe she wants to try not to email back too much, to get me to manage on my own. Right now i could harm myself to a severe degree to cope with whats going on. I have no-one i can talk to, there is a mental health crisis line in this town, but no charity drop in.

For the second night i think i need to go and cry, but whilst doing a few sit ups. Hopefully a bonus to 11 other people is that i will not be missed!

All i need to do now is make sure i delete this webpage from the history of this laptop. I didn't do it on the other laptop but i don't think the mother is savy enough to know where to look, however i think the daughter probably is. Deleting the whole internet history is too obvious that i'm hiding something though.

I want to go home....... only 10 days to go.

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Touchy feely

Of all the problems that would cause me stress on this holiday i didn't expect this one. The thing thats stressing me out the most right now, is my Nan. I feel really bad & guilty for saying this, but she's just so touchy feely huggy all the time and i just want to yell "back off!". she picked up that somethings was wrong today, i think i was just acting very cold, but i fobbed her off with the tired story. After a long flight & late nights i think she bought it.

We went shopping in this old boutique town today, and the family wanted to buy me stuff. Again i feel bad but i don't want anything. I don't wear jewellery and i don't like wasting people's money.

I keep getting the comments about how good i look - the last time i saw some of them i had a BMI of around 12. But good to me doesn't mean good - good means fat.

and now i can feel the tears building up, especially having recieved an email from mum who is making her way across the country with D. But i can't let them show yet - thats saved for when my head hits the pillow, when i'm all alone. I just have to make sure i wipe my dry salty eyes before i see anyone the next morning.

I wish i could deal with it by restricting, and although i don't think i'm going OTT with food, i wish i could eat less. I also wish i could attack this fat belly of mine with something sharp, but thats not going to happen either.

Which means it will all just build up for when i get home. No worries about Nan getting too close and clingy tomorrow though, as i am off with mum's cousin & her son to pick up her daughter from the airport, which means a 2 hour drive - but what else am i going to do for the day?

Saturday, 10 July 2010

Airport lounge

The stress hasn't gone away like M said - but then i'm not there yet.

I'm in the airport lounge where breakfast is provided in the form of a cold buffet - cereals, fruit, yogurt & mini pastries.

I started fine with some fruit & yogurt and a little museli. Back for more fruit......then the mini pastries got the better of me - all this waiting is winding me up. Mum & D are still with us, and i think Mum has mentioned to Nan about my overeating when my stress levels rise (although i'm sure thats not the way she will have put it!)

I had 2 of the mini croissants and then went for a 3rd, at which point mum tiold me off and told me to stop. Nan replied that i'd be fine once we got there - but i don't think i will. Laying in bed last night i was trying to convince myself that i wasn't going to eat a thing - and that it was the only way.

Perhaps i need a few more of those appetite suppressant tablets i got online - not that i'm convinced they do anything anyway!

There will be food on the plane....... i'm sure the family at the destination will be good hosts and offer as much as i like.....

All i want is to go home....back to the gym & back to my safe routine.

we've been at the airport for 3 hours now & i want to go home already.

M sent me a text last night - "Bon Voyage. Enjoy every minute" Cue floods of tears yet again.

I wish i could for nan's sake. but instead i spent the rest of the time trying to get to sleep, thinking about what may happen when i get home & how the stress is going to manifest itself - so long as it doesn't happen while i am away - i don't really care what happens when i get back any more.

I just want this over.

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

BBC - "Self-harmers 'not receiving help needed', says report"

Another news story where i feel like saying:

  1. "Have you only just realised this??!!"
  2. "So what's new?"
  3. "Does this mean you will do something about it now?" (to which the reply is probably "no")
A quote from Lord John Alderdice, a Consultant psychiatrist is one that reminds me how lucky i am to have my GP

"This situation is unacceptable by any reasonable standard. Lives may be at stake"

When i my life has been at stake, i have turned to those closest to home & those i trust first, my GP & the surgery down the road. The have been the ones to call the ambulances and get me to hospital. I don't know whether it does make a difference, or whether again i have just been very lucky, but when i have then arrived at A&E i have never heard or been on the recieving end of any bad treatment.

Another quote from the recent article from the BBC says that,

"The survey also suggests accident and emergency departments fare worse."

In my opinion the staff at my GP surgery have got to know me, many of them since about 2000, and they have seen me at times other than when i have needed patching up or shipping off to A&E when they couldn't deal with my injuries. They have got to know me personally, where as staff at A&E i have generally just seen the once, all they see if the harm and the distress, they don't get to see the person behind that. In my area i believe the same to be true about the Walk in Centre where as at my smaller Minor Injuries Unit (run by 3 staff and 1 receptionist) i have got to know them over the years, as the main senior nurses there haven't changed (unlike the conveyor belt of staff that is a busy shift work hospital ward).

So the recommendation of the report?

  • NHS services, particular in A&E, should be managed in a way which ensures people who have self-harmed or attempted suicide have proper access to care and treatment by fully-trained clinical staff
  • A change to the culture of NHS services, so that staff who encounter people who self-harm are trained and supported
  • A proper public health strategy to cover self-harm, and for the suicide prevention strategy to remain a priority in all nations of the UK
  • More funding of research on self-harm, which has been neglected and overlooked.
And if the final comment really true?

"Rates are down in young people and we are looking carefully at ways to improve mental health care in frontline NHS services."

Are they down? or are young people put off by their own bad experiences & horror stories that they have read on support forums, blogs and from people they know?

Monday, 5 July 2010

Place your bets please!

So my 2 weeks family holiday is nearly here. I am more stressed than ever, struggling to keep control every minute of every day.

There are so many fears about it that i can't keep track of them all, and from one thing leads another. It just seems to be spiralling.

Needless to say though food & exercise rank highly on my list of worries. Well wouldn't you if you were in a different country, staying with family, in a country that has a reputation for huge appetites and obesity (even more so than the UK)?

M said the last few weeks i've walked in and she's thought i've looked like i've lost wieght - except i've either stayed the same or gained slightly. She's at a loss as to what is going on, especially given my exercise levels & that on average i'm undereating by about 2 days each week.

So i challenged her to take a guess at what i will be in 3 weeks time (2 weeks away for me and the 1 for her) but i will have at least a week back at the gym after my 2 weeks away before my next weigh in with her. So it may turn out that she actually wins the bet (both our weight ranges are written in her diary on the date of our next appointment) in which case i will own her a souvenir from my holiday - i did say i'd keep it if i won the bet, but i know i'll give it to her whatever. Her guess ranges from 2 kg below my current weight to 1kg gain. Where as i am saying i'll gain at least 2kg.

I am trying my hardest to lose as much as i can before i go, just in case i turn into a hippo whilst i'm away.

I guess i had better pack my suitcase...... or i could continue to put it off..... pretending it's not that close & continue spending my energy trying to hold myself instead. A night without bad dreams/nightmares would help too - for the past 3 nights i have been detained in a hospital setting in my dreams. Not sure if that is better than dreaming about being sectioned & the crazee catchers coming to my house to get me, or not. Either way, i wake up feeling as shitty & tired as i did when i went to sleep.

If i disappear for more than 2 weeks, don't be suprised. I am fully expecting a major fallout/breakdown in the near future.

Thursday, 1 July 2010

hi i come from a family with a history of mental illness n i decided to write to help keep me sane, i n this sounds stupid but do u think it helped?

Writing an anonymous blog for me is at times almost like writing a diary, because for posts like my dreams i can refer back to them. The difference with that secret diary the you hide in your bedside drawer, is that you can bounce ideas off of your readers.

The days when you question yourself, you have peoples opinions to help you sort out your thoughts. All the things yo want to say about people who frustrate you, can be said and again you know your feelings are being heard. Those secrets in life that sometimes you really need to tell someone are healthier shared than kept inside. Which was something that proved very bad for my health in the past, so in that way i think it has helped.

On the down side there is always that fear, if you chose to be anonymous, that someone my recognise you. This paranoia is not always helpful.

The other huge benefit is the blogging community that you meet. There are some lovely people out there whose experiences may be similar to yours, the advice you can give out too can be theraputic to you.

Afterall, as they say - "A problem shared, is a problem halved"

Thank you for the question.
Take care

Ask me anything

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Hot chocolate

All i wanted was a hot chocolate to comfort me as i cry.

I just wanted to curl up in bed, put friends on, cry & take a little comfort from a warm drink, even though the temperature of the air is rather warm.

I turned up to the gym an hour and a half early for my class, and then didn't really get into the class when it finally happened.

I came home, stressed over the silly little thing i needed to do. Car Insurance, research tyre prices, finishes thank you letters......but all i really wanted to do was sleep.

My dreams last night left me with that low feeling hanging over throughout the morning & the nights brain activity left me exhausted too.

But i had to be at an appointment with TP for 4.15pm - although before then i had to return a library book, drop some things off at the charity shop &go to (stand in a long queue) at the post office.

TP was very interested in my dreams - The teacher who dropped everything so we could catch up, ignoring the headmaster & whole school she was supposed to address in assembly. She grabbed my hand and we ran off laughing. It felt safe but i woke up feeling sad because those safe feelings were not a reality.
The other dream I was having some kind of psychotic episode, seeing people & birds in the house. Yet they weren't really there. No-one else could see them & mum was telling me i was making things up.

I suppose TP made some sense when he talked about the dreams but they are not exactly too strange to try and interpret. I felt so angry when i left him & when i got in the car the tears came as normal. If the appointment hadn't been later in the day and i hadn't had another gym class at 6.15pm i don't doubt more serious damage that a few bite marks & a dead leg, would have been done. I just felt so angry, partly because i felt i'd let him in too much, like i was letting him win. But again is was just a surge of overwhelming emotion too.

Fortunately the class at the gym was a very high tempo class (constantly at about 140bpm if not more!) and i threw everything i had into it.

I arrived home, talked to mum & D about the tennis - to be asked "Have you done anything except watch the telly?"

Fuck you mum. Just because i don't work doesn't mean i watch TV all day.

And now the sodding kettle has broken so i've lost that little comfort that helps me get a smoother nights sleep.

Saturday, 26 June 2010

Geting told off

Saturday morning, 8.30am, appointment with K.

It started well, and i confessed my sins (well most of them), discussing my gym addiction which she still doesn't seem to see as a totally bad thing and the ending of college which lead onto looking to the future and what it may hold.

Her view is that if i get offered more psychotherapy from TP then i should take it, but while i'm going through intensive psychotherapy, work is NOT an option. She praised me for taking the therapy on and got very angry when i tried to belittle it, as just someone else i was expected to talk to, which is how i feel everyone else sees it. But K has a completely different take and like i say she got quite angry, in fact i'm not sure i've seen her that cross before. Between us, i realised that she was the only one who saw how "very dangerous" psychotherapy potentially is to me. She really has set my head whirring today.

As i sat there the tears rolled down my face, a lot more than they have done in previous months.

She urged me to relook at the benefits i claim, because maybe i am entitled to more. Trouble is i don't feel entitled to what i get right now, and i'm not sure anyone else does either. I said to her that i can get in my car and go to the gym, so i should be able to go out and get a job too. But her stern & serious face said not.

So it all i got told off for:

  • "rubbishing" everything i do/achieve
  • rubbishing psychotherapy
  • thinking i'm not entitled to things
  • oh, and apologising when she said "now i should get on with the rest of my surgery"
But she ended on a positive, asking me to bring a couple of really photos back from my trip across the atlantic.

I feel kind of deflated being told those things, but the trouble is, i know that she probably knows me best out of all professionals and in fact anyone i know. I also know that she never says things lightly. She is a force to be reckoned with at that surgery & as much as the receptionists hate her sometimes for making their lives difficult, they also know she's bloody good at her job.

I know she wouldn't tell me to look into more benefits for no reason, she's not a soppy light touch and works extremely hard herself - sometimes i see her car parked outside the surgery from 8am until 8pm at night! She's hardly likely to encourage benefit scrounging now, is she??!!

Sunday, 20 June 2010

Fathers Day

K once asked me who i would rather have walk me down the aisle (theoretically) - without pausing i said D......

I feel guilty but the stress of dealing with how i feel or don't feel about my fathers outweighs the guilt feelings whenever i am in contact with him.

A current email asked me to go and stay with him, his wife & the kids for a long weekend at his villa in Spain in August...........i haven't seen him in years. Staying with people who are practically strangers in a foreign country, when i don't travel more than 10 miles from home (or at least not without either mum, D or to visit my grandparents) and only go to places i know (i.e gym, college & local shops) and especially with these particular people is a ridiculous idea.

Monday, 7 June 2010

Dear Brain....

Tonight i would like a night without Crazee Catchers or Plane Crashes.

Nor do i want any dreams regarding current stressful issues for example:

  1. Money/financial issues
  2. car insurance/MOT
  3. forthcoming holidays to far away lands
  4. exams for college courses
  5. Fatness
  6. exercise related injury
  7. jobs/careers (or lack of).....
You know what. A night with without any brain activity would be lovely.

Sunday, 6 June 2010

Never ending hunger

why won't it stop?

This is what haapens when i have a few days of full eating. I stayed at Nan's wednesday & thursday & ate 'normally' yesterday & now today i can't stop. I just feel so damn hungry constantly. trouble is, part of me is too tired to care.

i think i will have gained back what i lost when i see M tomorrow.

Nightmares that could come true

why on a sunday morning would i wake up and think "i really don't want to get up, i'll get out of my nice warm bed & go downstairs." ?

A vivid nightmare about being sectioned . Thats why. And the horrible thing is, unlike scary vampire/monster nightmare, i know deep down that if things go down hill that it could happen. However i hope that it would be quite like the nightmare & that it wouldn't be my Nan who called the Crazy Catchers on me!

Friday, 4 June 2010


I can't afford to live anymore. Not on the benefits i get. It seems i will have to forget making sure i'm totally healthy and mentally strong enough before i work and just hope for the best. I just have to pray my mental health will hold out and not crash as with every other job or slight pressure its had applied onto it.

The first big problem is What Would I Do??!!

A sales assistant in a shop involves being in front of people for far too long. Being stuck in an office not being about to get up and leave wouldn't work right now. I don't think i'd last to the end of the day without bursting into tears.

Not only that though What do i have the qualifications for?

Answer to that is very little. GCSEs don't get you very far theses days. My work with the horses never involved any formal qualifications so i have nothing to show there, and getting references is not possible. The current course won't gain me much either.

I really don't know what to do.

There is another option.....

Give up. Stop trying.

Its not like i spend a great deal of money anyway, so i don't know why i'm struggling. Petrol, gifts for others & house keeping to mum. I think trying to pay off this debt to mum is probably the big thing. There's £650 left on the spreadsheet. But without dipping into my one and lony savings account which i might have to do anyway soon, i'm just going to keep having to chip away at it slowly. However in August the £100 a month will be starting and added on again.

All this bearing in mind that i receive £300 a month in total. Plus this month the car in due and MOT, it also sounds like it needs a new exhaust (i'm driving round embarrassingly like a 'girl' racer right now), plus there's the insurance (around £400 judging by last year). With £125 left in my bank account right now.

Its just another stress that feels like its about to drive me deeper into depression that i'm fighting to keep out of as it is. It's another vicious circle.

The fact i am struggling financially makes me wonder if i'm doing to much to justify claiming benefits. But what do i feel comfortable doing right now? Going to the gym. Thats is. Thats the only thing. And that was paid for with the remaining money in a savings account that i had transfered the majority out of. I paid a year in full so its not like thats where money is going each month. The increase in petrol prices is bascically what it is. In the last 2 weeks i've spent £75 on petrol. Now i have done 2 long (both about 90 miles each way) drives - one to help at a charity thing (& back) & the yesterday to Nan's (& back).

Other than that i drive to college or the gym. I don't buy new clothes very often at all (last shirt was bought was in the 1st week of April), the only other clothes mum has paid for and again thats not many (one pair of shorts this last week).

As for shoes - the last pair i bought was when we were at Nan's around Christmas time & they were in the sale!!

I have had one expense very recently - a new ipod nano, but i have waited until my 5 year old very heavy & very chunky classic ipod stopped working completely!

Right now I'm sat inside and other than putting my bedding on the line (again being caught out by monthlies meant it had to be done) i have stayed inside despite the very hot sunny weather, hiding and giving myself a head ache with all the things going round in my head.

I think i need to shower & de-sweat but doing the shopping as i promised mum i would (D's meeting me to pay for it at the end), i contemplated the 7 mile walk there but after 2 hard classes (LBT & Step) and in this heat, i think i might for get that, especially as my knees and hips were screaming in pain and have been since tuesday night. I think short runs over the weekend - if any at all.

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