Thursday, 30 October 2008

A River in Egypt

Things really have gone very low. Far too low that i haven't done anything about it. It's been probably 3 almost 4 weeks since my mood started to drop and since then, epecially in the last 2 weeks i've 2 days where i haven't been able to function at all. Forget not being bothered to do things, I literally couldn't.

The first day was a Saturday so mum was around. I'd practically run out of clean clothes and had planned the day before to do some washing but by saturday i was curled up on the sofa almost sleep. The nausea was bad again and i just couldn't find it in me to even move a muscle let alone sit up. I just lay there in silence, even the TV was too much to take in. I forced down some food at lunch; a slice of bread, some quark and bits of salad, which i know will have disappointed mum but from my point of view i could have happily gone without that day, so i was trying.

Then the next week, mum and D went away for 3 days. Left on my own i knew i HAD to cope, as mum was worried enough leaving me normally let alone in the state i've been for the last few weeks. I spent those 3 days throwing all my energies into surviving, staying alive - mentally as well as physically, trying to live "normally". Spending over half each day at D's work, doing some data input, which i know he was grateful for as it would have built up to a huge pile whilst he was away. I guess its no surprise though that i'm feeling the comeback from those few days a week later. Having put on a front for those days and used to much energy and effort, i crashed again in a big way Tuesday.

I made it up, out of bed and had some porridge for breakfast. Went outside to pull up some carrots because at dinner time it could be dark. I even made it into the shower to warm up after going outside. But after getting out of the shower that was where i stopped. I literally came to a halt. It was 11am and i suddenly felt overwhemlingly exhausted, as though a ton weight had landed on me and was crushing me. I managed to get as far as putting underwear on before curling up on my bed and laying down. I could feel the nausea setting in again, so stumbled down stairs in a dressing gown to find the domperidone. Once back upstairs again, i lay back down and fell asleep for 45 minutes until 12.15pm. I stayed there pretty much all afternoon until D got home. Dinner was a battle. I really didn't feel like anything, so tried to pick things that might appeal even if they were strange in combination. A Jacket potato (nice and plain), some frozen peas, some grated low fat cheese and 1/2 a steamed courgette. I got to the end eventually.

Yesterday was better, although my nurse phoned me to say she was running late, but if i was really desperate she would see me for a shorter session. The thought of concentrating to drive for 30 minutes to get myself there was filling me with dread as it was but then to do that for a 30 minute appointment and then try and make it the 30 minutes home again, just didn't appeal or seem sensible. However i did confess to her that things weren't going well. I could have easily slept all day again but instead i forced down a couple of pieces of fruit for lunch and put a piece of bread in foil to take with me to D's work. Although the nausea had gone, my appetite had in no way returned. I doubt i got half the amount done in the time i normally would, but at least with people around me i couldn't give in and let the black hole swallow me, but the worry now is that i shouldn't have tried to keep going and used the little energy i had.

It was Mum and D's wedding anniversary yesterday and they were going out for dinner, which meant dining alone. Again working out what to have was tiring. I wanted something in the way of carbs but another jacket potato didn't appeal. I did want homemade coleslaw, so made a batch enough for 2 meals and grated the last of the low fat cheese into one half for my meal. Whilst making that i came to a decision that i'd have some Ebly, chewy and comforting as well an non calorie worrying. A 60g serving is 206kcal and i only had 50g anyway, with 50kcal from the cheese then the coleslaw with Hellmans Extra light mayo (12kcal per 16g tablespoon). My mind could stop stressing. Althoug i could have afforded to eat a bit more, as my weight had dropped to 5 and a half yesterday morning.

Tonight i was supposed to be cooking for Mum and D, my anniversary gift to them. But my decision in the main course has changed half a dozen times and i just don't feel i have the mental strength to do it. The main present was a fruit tower/cone using floral oasis, a bit like topiary, which i was going to serve with 3 dips, melted dark chocolate, melted milk chocolate and a vanilla yoghurt. I've not told mum what i'm doing but i mentioned how i feel and that i'd rather concentrate on pudding, which means getting myself together and going to buy the fruit and yogurt this morning. At least its something i can do sitting down.

Just from typing this i feel shattered even though i'm only moving from the wrists down to my finger tips, laying in bed. Maybe a cup of tea will wake me up a bit, although i'm not holding my breath, going by the past 2 days.

When i can't do anything but sleep, when my brain can't focus or function and when i don't want a thing to eat when i should be hungry as i haven't eaten a thing, i should know things are really bad. I thought about going to see my GP when i first started slipping but the day of my appointment she was running late and i had to get back to work, so it was the perfect excuse to cancel. Now, i keep telling myself i've hit the alltime low, things should be on the way back up. There's no point going for meds as by the time things kick in at least 2 weeks down the line it will have passed and i'll be ok again.

What was the name of that river in Egypt again?

Friday, 17 October 2008

Too tired to breathe

I thought i'd this now while i can. things are going further down hill. the balck demons have got a firm grasp and are dragging me into the black hole. i'm tired. even breathing feels like an effort. yesterday i just wanted to curl up in bed and lay there in silence, but i forced myself to go out into town for an hour, and then into D's work for the comfort of being around people and a little feeling of safety.

i can't go on pretending anymore though. i can't hide it. i walk around town like a zombie, i drive just going through the motions, i don't even sing along to the radio. the only time i cry is if someone asks me if i'm ok, when i fight the tears but they just happen, almost like relief and finally being able to show the dark place i'm in.

my appetite is almost gone, i honestly don't feel hungry which is a great excuse for the anorexia. this morning even the scales didn't seem to matter, that really shows me how low i feel. i eat what and when i feel like it during the day. if that means breakfast at 10am i don't care, my sensible, logical side knows i need to eat even if it is only the minimum i would have when restricting - at least i don't have the fear of overeating. mid afternoon yesterday i took a break at D's work after his manager asked me if i was ok and the tears started flowing again, i walked to the shop to get something mum had mentioned seeing and whilst there picked up a pomegrante. i knew it would be messy to eat and awkward at the office but i saw it and almost wanted it - that almost meant i knew i had to go with it there and then, because later on i might struggle to eat at all.

when mum got home she asked if we needed to go and sit and talk (she phoned d at work and i spoke to her, confessing i wasn't doing great), my reply - "Not really, i feel like crap. thats all there is to it" Is that the truth? something tells me i should have said more but what more is there to say? i think her expectations of an answer are driving me to look for one when there isn't one. Does there need to be a reason? does the have to be a reason?

as for today.........i just want to stay here again, the safety, warmth and comfort of my bed. my head feels so heavy like its about to fall off my neck. i know from yesterday that in an hour time when they've gone to work and i'm alone i will sink even lower, not wanting to do anything, even use the laptop or watch TV, which is why i know i should type this now and try and get something of how i feel down and out of me.

will i do anything today? depsite no clouds in the sky i really don't have the strength to go down to the farm. i think i'll go into d's work instead, issue there is if i go in early i need to take some kind of lunch, and risk seeing people while eating. Food gets in the way once more.

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Under interrogation

I know i shouldn't have snapped at mum last night but before i could stop to think about what i was saying or feeling the words had come out of my mouth.

I wasn't looking forwards to the day ahead yesterday morning, knowing that i was supposed to be seeing my GP mid morning. The prospect of being told you're doing well and managing things so much better than this time last year.....if only they knew. I can't tell anyone though, i don't want to disappoint their fanatasy idea. It may be that i'm able to put on that front again, able to hide it all inside.

but what they don't see - the fresh scars on my upper arm, the breakfast of 2 mandarins before going out to work on the farm for a couple of hours, the lunch of 60g of low fat cottage cheese (50kcal) and mushrooms and 1/2 a bell pepper to dip into it with another mandarin to follow and then the mark on my ankle from the snap of the elastic band to remind be to stop picking at foods from the fridge and fruit bowl etc.

They can't see or understand the thoughts that go through my head; walking down the garden path with a knife to cut a cabbage for dinner and the scenario going through my head of plunging the knife down into my thigh; driving along on the car and seeing myself driving straight into a hedge, tree or wall; driving across a rail way crossing and as i get to the middle imagining the impact of a train smashing into the side of the car and crushing me and it instantly. Are these the thoughts of a normal brain? Why does my brain broadcast these images constantly?

Anyway, i went to work in the fields for an hour, turning up to find i was working on my own as there was no-one else around. I left at 11am to take a break and head for the doctors, only 5 minutes by car. When i arrived the number of cars overflowing from the carpark gave me the tell tale signs that she was running late. The perfect excuse. Just what i'd been hoping for. About 30 mins late at least by my estimation. To fit the rest of my day running to plan i needed to have finished my 2nd hour in the fields by 12.30pm which meant had my appointment run to time i would have been finished by 11.30am. So i set myself a time limit, if the patient that was with her hadn't come out by 11.30am then i was leaving, as there were 2 people still in front of me. 11.30am arrived and i departed.

Back to the fields for an hour, then home for something to eat, lunch for me is what others would describe as i snack i fear. cottage cheese, a small tomato, a few mild pepperdew peppers and a mandarin. Then off to step-dad's office to bury myself into data input and filing there.

Sat in a room on the computer on my own, i couldn't fight back the tears but the sitting still was soon over and i then started sorting about 1000 cards into alphabetical order. Easiest way? sort them into letter piles for surname which meant standing up and moving round the table to reach the relevant pile. almost 4 hours later it was time to leave.

Getting home the snacking demons hit me again and i fight them off with a mug of tea.

Mum gets home, she asks how it went my the doctor. I say she was running late as usual, mum pushes me again seeing that i'm avoiding the question. "Fine" is my reply. Well thats the truth - it was fine because i didn't see her which in my book was fine. Don't get me wrong, she's a great GP i just give up on seeing people because no-one (proffessionals not family) seems to care what's going on, on the inside anymore, all they care about is that i'm acting normal and not trying to kill myself it feels like.

Then it isn't long before the questions are fired again; "no lunch today?" i go on the defensive; "yes! why?!" "just not many dishes, a ramekin and a teaspoon" "so you're saying i'm lying?! what is this an interrogation??!!"

she walks away, saying she's not going to ask anymore, and won't bother in future. We both know that will last a few days, a week at the most.

Saturday, 4 October 2008

Too much pain

Everyone thinks i've stopped. I'm praying no-one has found this blog and realised who i am. That i am still anonomous. Right no though i almost don't care. If they have maybe they'll see that all is not ok. That at this moment in time i wish my life were over. I don't know why i feel so low. I don't know why i hate my self so much and that all i can feel inside is pain and hatred.

I want to self distruct. I want an end. If it weren't for mum,david and nan and grandpa i think i'd quite happily end my life, in fact i wouldn't have ended it years ago, goodness know i came close but these days i live my life for them.

Crying just doesn't get it out my system and neither doesn't cutting anymore, it seems. I think i need a new blade, this one just hasn't caused the damage or pain i deserve and need to get the pain out of my head. i want to attack the top of my arm again and again now i've started.

These feelings just aren't going. It's i'm going to have to go over the edge before i can come back again. Over the edge and right down to the bottom where i crash and burn. I was to destroy and attack.

They all think i don't self harm anymore, not in the way of cutting at least. They all think its just the anorexia now. If only they new. If only they knew what a mess i really am. They think i'm ok, because i don't show it how i used to. Just because i don't overdose, cut myself, blood let or do any of the other things i used to that i'm ok. Or at least that i'm better than i was. I'm working part time again so i must be getting better.

I feel like i wish i was dead again - is that really better than before? Isn't that back to the same as before? Just because i don't want to let people down and don't show my injuries, just because these days i deal with it by keeping my weight down and refuse to gain weight despite having a BMI under 15 - does that really mean i've moved on in life and made progress?

I don't really think so.

Thursday, 2 October 2008

Why won't it sink in?

I'm sat watching a programme about an 8 yr old annorexic. They are featuring some of the other kids at Rhodes Farm as well. A 16yr girl they showed being weighed...... 43.75 kilos..... she's still there and obviously still not at a weight where they are happy for her to leave.......

she weighs more than me. i'm 6 years older than her. i know i'm not that tall, but i doubt i'm much shorter than her, if at all.

Yet today i've hated myself, i've battled my appetite all day. I've eaten far more than i feel i should, so to stop myself from eating things i shouldn't and that are higher in calories i've eaten mandarins by the bucket load. 3 for breakfast, 2 at lunch, then 2 more, then 4 after dinner. i shouldn't have had the hot chocolate tho, hate myself even more now. even if it was "Skinny Cow" and 37 kcal. Especially as my weight was up again this morning....... never mind, physical work in the freezing cold should help sort that out tomorrow, even if i have to exhaust myself.

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