Saturday, 25 July 2009

I'd rather be.... (not a happy post)

...thin than this.

I'd rather be skinny & emotionally numb than healthy weight & in self destruct mode. I thought I'd left all that behind, but it seems not. I can't get through a day with thinking about harm, and wanting to harm. For mum, i fight it, however on occasions the desire & the need caused by this passionate self hatred that lives inside of me is too strong to fight.

There's a big part of me that doesn't want to fight it. That wants to attack me for being so stupid and getting so big. I have to wear baggy tops (now size 12!) to hide my protruding stomach. I can't stand the way my skin touches when i lean or bend over. I feel repulsed at the way my thighs brush against one another when i stand. The skin around my neck that folds as i lower my chin nauseates me.


i want to scream, cry and shout - "It's not fair!"

I see images in my head of this that could happen, that might happen. For example on Monday, i won't eat at all until dinner, I'll cycle to and from work, I'll call up the gym I've been thinking of joining.....except i know I'm too pathetically weak mentally to stop my self from eating, despite the fact I've tried to cut down on the calories, because i just seem to be getting bigger & bigger, despite reaching a healthy weight over a month ago.

I think about the scenario if my self harm involves more serious injuries (as i wish it might) again & how i will deal with that. Who i might tell, who i might ask for help if i need it, what J would say if i panicked & needed her help to clear up my mess.

My thoughts are even going as far as the self harm that left me critically ill & needing a blood transfusion. I can't seriously want to risk my life again can i?

But you see if i was skinny & malnourished i wouldn't have these thoughts distressing me. I wouldn't hate my self for being fat so much that i practically want to give myself a tummy tuck. The worrying thing is that the last time i did self harm, it didn't hurt. I don't recall feeling any pain until i was at work later on. Now that is unsettling because it then makes me wonder how much further, not much more damage i could cause.

I don't want to end up in hospital, because it would mean going back to the ward where the anorexia started. But wait............ i want to be skinny again, so maybe it is what i want. Its so easy to not eat a thing all day when there's no food around you & no-one bothers to nag you at meal times once they get the message you are not eating their crappy/fatty food. So maybe that's the answer - get section, stop eating, get thin. Through in a few sit ups and squats to fill the day & pass the time et voila! The perfect solution to reversing the clock (and the scales!).

I don't want to hurt mum or nan etc etc. but if i carry on this way, feeling & the short term, instant & impulsive destruction surely it would end up hurting them more than is i was just a little skinny?

There's a picture of me on the lounge wall taken when i was 2 stone lighter than this (so still a stone above my lowest weight) and i want to be that girl again. i want to be her. everyday i see her, and she sees me and the chubby mess i've turned into. She haunts & taunts me, reminding me of the girl who, yes, was depressed, but wasn't suicidal or thinking of a razor blade every 5 minutes.

I'd rather be depressed & numb than depressed & suicidal.

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Ups and Downs, Day by Day

K wanted me to try and keep a track of the ups and downs of my mood not just over a period of a month or week but how things pan out over the course of a day. I said i'd think up a way to show the zig zags in my mood, but so far i've not come up with a way. Maybe thats because a) i haven't really tried and b) my brain just can't work out clever things at the moment, that amount of focus and concentration just isn't going to happen in my head.

Today started with tears over body image/weight/fatness/size etc etc. Then settled into blankness and tiring/back breaking although slightly distracting tasks at work. Then a bit of pottering around trying to avoid food, then a bit of sitting with tie passing quickly which slowly drinking a very thick and very sweet, digesting aiding smoothie. Then a hair cut which resulted in looking at my own chubby self for too long which resulted in further tears, whilst fighting the urges to go upstairs and dismantle the new pack of razors i gave in to buying he other day. There was crying, sobbing and what finally made me realise i should sleep, a punching fit on my stomach & thighs which seemed completely out of my control and came from a place within that i didn't realise was even there. It was completely impulsive & like a burst, but it was almost like it wasn't me. It was that part of me that is impulsive and i feel i have no control over. It wasn't calulated or planned like the blood letting, or the majority of the cutting or other self harm, but more of a surprise to myself like the car crash.

So after crying until i had no more to give, i fell asleep. I think that was about half past 3 and when i woke it was 5 to 5. So once again i clearly needed it and although i felt no happier, i at least felt calmer.

This evening has been, one of trying to act ok. I can't let mum see how dangerous i feel, or rather how i felt earlier. Now i just feel shattered again.

I know on occassions that increases in medication doses can cause unbalance, & i want to put it down to that, but as always i'm so aware of my habits of denying the fact that its just me as i am and not being caused by anything else. We'll see, because tonight the dose goes up again to 210mg and after todays distress and outburst i'm tempted to consider K's suggestion about combining these meds with a mood stabiliser, however after past medication combination disasters & even lack of time left between 2 different meds causing major distress and suicidal issues, i am very very wary.

But all i want to do now is sleep & also hope that my hip pain doesn't stop me from working tomorrow, however if it does, part of me will be glad as i think it is about time to see someone about it, as its been on & off for almost 6 weeks now. I have been wanting a reason to see J, i feel like i desperately want to let out what is really going on inside & when i'm alone. I need to fall apart on someone & let it all out.

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Therapy to cope with Therapy

I've just had one of those appointments that leaves you feeling like you need another session to talk over how the first session made you feel!!

Ok, so an appoinment with K isn't really therapy, but she certainly makes you think about things & question yourself.

Once again she said she was really pleased with me. I can see where she's coming from, but that doesn't change my feelings and thoughts. I still feel like crap, i'm still scared by myself & my thoughts & i still feeling like i want to attack myself, causing serious damage.

Last week i got to the kind of state that has put me in hospital before. The only difference this time is me, and how much i've grown up & matured. I'm not that teenager who doesn't think of the consequences anymore. I don't want to dissapoint people these days, or let them down. I could have easily overdosed, or self harmed more severely than i have been doing (yes, the ED is on the way out and SI is coming back) but the old, grown up Susie now has the maturity to think about what it would do to her mother, D, her Nan, my boss (now thats a new one to add to the list) etc etc. I don't want people to say "oh dear. again? what a shame..... she was doing to well..."

So instead last week i curled up on the sofa & cried until i fell asleep. I slept for almost a couple of hours, so i think i needed it. I've been trying to rest and restore my energy since then, but it just leaves me worrying that i'm over eating and being lazy and hence getting fat. Still having big issues with the fact that there is actually fat on my body now and that more of it has settled on my stomach. Thats despite people telling me i look "fab" - and yes that is quoted from someone from work! The boss was now "an attractive young woman" too. enough of my vain side.

Ok, i've been home an hour now so my brain is settling. Neighbours, on channel 5, might be helping distract me a tad.

K wants me to separate me from the illness. She wants me to be able to put the illness in the corner of the room and talk about it separate from me. She says she knows it will take time but she wants me to try. How can i though? Its all i ever remember really. From when i started secondary school i've seen counsellor, therapist, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, CPNs, GPs and the list goes on. I've been sectioned 3 times, 4 if mum hadn't put her foot down on one occasion. I've been in hopsital more times than i can count on one hand for certain but not quite into double figures. I've been on more types of medication than i can count on 2 hands, and that list is about to grow again, as K wants me to thing about trying a mood stabiliser in combination with the Lofepramine, which in a weeks time i will be up to the higher does of 210mg again. She thinks it might even things out day to day, even if it doesn't change the long term low, hopefully the lofepramine will do this.

There's still a part of me that doesn't want the meds to work. That part of me that doesn't know anything else and is scared of what the future holds.

If i wasn't tired enough before, i'm now mentally tired too, and mum's asked me to do their dinner tonight, but i need to work out what i'm doing for myself first.

design by