Friday, 16 October 2009

Scared by Scary Thoughts and Feelings

I'm scared. By myself. Myself, my thoughts and my feelings.

I'm scared by the destructive demon. Its getting stronger and is reminding me what i'm capable of. I'm relearning to deal with the consequences myself again.

What's even scarier? The fact that i'm even considering the awful mental health ward. The place i hate so much, have run away from so many times and been dragged back to just as much.

If these new meds don't make an improvement soon, i'm reaching the end of my teather. Destruction and harm are taking over and controling my mind, i've considered every option.

J spent 45 minutes with me tonight (i was last on her list), she reminded me of how far i've come and how when she came to the secure unit i was on for a meeting and to see me. She was shocked i remembered, however as i said to her, i was told much later when i was better, that both her and JP, my previous devoted GP, had been to the unit. She told me tonight how sad she felt, scared she felt for me and how horrible it was to see me there. She just made me want to cry and she did give me a hug briefly. She was a star (as always), she popped next door to ask K to do a repeat prescription (with an increase in dose) of the diazepam, and suceeded. K is kind of top dog, but J is so experienced i know K would listen and trust her judgement.

So i'm now up to 10mg of diazepam when i need it and i have enough until i see K again on monday. I want to cry and run away. in fact i think i might go out for a walk right now, because i need to cry yet again. Samaritans or the park? or the woods? I don't know but i need to get out. Even though its 10.30pm.

I've cried so much today, in fact, almost all day apart from tescos and during an indian head massage which i thought may help shift the tension and calm me. Although i'm not sure i can handle the oil in my hair.

3 people had something to say about this:

ron peponis said...

You know something - if you're not scared - you're naive. Fear is what gives humanity an edge. Complacency is the killer. Sounds like you're going through a rough patch - take care.

Susie said...

Thank you Ron. I guess you're right. At least if what i do to myself and the injuries i cause doesn't scare me then the fear of the thing that causes me to do it and ending up in the shit hole (please excuse my language but it really is) of a mental health ward near me.

ron peponis said...

Yes - many of our mental health wards are shit holes. You can feel very alone in one - even in the Priory at God knows how much a day charge. I think that M/H wards are a place for the individual to get a grip. At first I was petrified and soon became dependent. After a few re-admissions I learned to use the ward as a place to see myself - take stock of where I was. Sometimes it was as simply as a judge against someone who was much worse than me (boy! at least I'm not that screwed up).

I know it sounds cruel - but self preservation kicks in doesn't it and you develop the coping tools you need to survive - or you perish. Sadly I have known too many people that couldn't develop a coping strategy and they are no longer with us (not necessarily dead - chemical zombies are not with us either). I have many friends that completely tracked up their arms and thighs before they learned to be a little selfish and leave the cutting to someone else.

Sometimes I don't make a lot of sense - I hope you can see what I mean. A little more you and a little less them.

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