Post Christmas Crash

Symptoms:

• Uncontrollable tears
• Use of sleeping tablets at 10am
• Sleeping until 1pm
• Sudden loss of the insatiable appetite
• having a light lunch then heading back too bed.

Although the above could just be due to being extremely over tired for having to keep the happy face on at the grandparents for 3 days. Plus i think the turkey may have been a little too pink for someone working in food hygiene....... no major upset stomach but its not totally happy.

The cold i caught off mum which left me sneezing all evening last night, didn't exactly help my energy levels.

Maybe more about Christmas stresses when i'm a little more awake. I never made it to the gym today, and even though part of me feels bad - its not a very big part which shows me that i'm either too tired or too depressed for even that, which is not a good sign. I ate far too much, most of the chocolates & a couple of mince pies were in secret, on top of everything else. I'm was too scared to get on the scales yesterday & in fact just the thought of it reduced me to tears, but today...... I can't even seem to enjoy one of my favourite films so far thats on now.

Not hungry, not bothered and in part not even really awake.

Christmas Day

I am not a child anymore. I have not had the childlike belief in Father Christmas for a long while now. So why does my body feel the need to wake up at 6.45am!!! I think the festive stress is truly getting to me now.

It certainly did last night, starting in the form of a double portion of banana and custard (custard powder made up with skimmed milk and sweetener in my defence!)for pudding, 2 mini curly wurlies, a 'posh' chocolate and a Jordan's raisin cereal bar. Other slip ups during the day include a full-to-the brim bowl of fruit and fibre which at least prompted me to get myself to the gym but i could only manage 3 quarters of the "have your cake and eat it" workout which supposedly works off a set amount of calories. The idea being you keep going on the piece of equipment until it says you've burnt off so many calories. At least it gives me some structure in the gym.

But then i went to Tesco, which was shockingly quiet for 11am on Xmas Eve. I guess many people hadn't finished work yet. Mum & D didn't finish until 1pm ish. I had to get some bits for mum and i did a bit of my own bargain hunting - where they mark LOADS of stuff down over the course of the day, because they will be closed for 2 days. Basically the deal is if you find anything with a date on it saying 'Display by' for the days they are closed (so the 26th, 27th & 28th this year!!) then they should reduce it in price. 'Yellow sticker hunting' we like to call it, although obviously other supermarkets have different colours, i think most of the others are orange of some shade or another.

So i came home with the shopping, which included a bag of muesli.......oh dear........ so i helpfully put in into the muesli container......whilst picking out a few lots 50% (maybe) of the raisins. I have such (yummy) issues with dried fruit. I could live on it!!

Anyway, I've been up an hour and I've managed to have an options hot chocolate. Perhaps I'm not hungry after last night.


I think a lot of the problem may be down to that horrible monthly female event - The Period. It would certainly explain for the vast increase in chest/breast size. I've never been over a 34C before - but i am certainly no longer a 34 band size, as i wore one for a couple of hours at most before i had to take the damn thing off, and it have left an imprint and red mark around my torso. As for cup size - goodness knows. When i lost my female figure i changed to wearing sports tops which i must say i find less restrictive. However if i could find a comfortable yet containing bra, low cut tops would no longer be an issue. Certainly not at this time of the month at least!

So hopefully with the increase in my chest being caused by that, hopefully some most of the bloating of my stomach will be too. Although i don't expect i will see a difference given that we are off to my grandparents for 3 days where i expect there will be little fruit, although not totally unhealthy. We're not talking burgers, pizzas, chips, deep fried etc. just not the fruit stocks like we have - here our stocks overflow into the garage to keep them cool!

Oh well its Christmas, i must just make sure i get myself out the house and to the gym every weekday at least in the new year.

Have a Merry bearable Christmas everyone.

Take Care

Susie

xx

Christmas Eve

Oh it started well today. within 30 minutes i was crying due to the fact that more little presents had appeared under the tree, and having said we weren't going to do little presents and just do the main gift of money, minus the ones for my grandparents, there are 9 and also some little things that are in the tree from me.

The tears were a mixture of:

• I've only got stupid little things like seed matches, key covers, socks etc
• almost all of the other present are from mum which means there is very little for her under the tree.
• Huge feelings of guilt
• general random bursting into tears at the slightest little thing (my must annoying depression symptom, highly inconvenient & embarrassing at times)
• fear of the opening the presents, and looking like an ungrateful bitch as usual.

This then lead to a conversation with mum and her trying to reassure me that she didn't want presents from me, she just wanted me.

"I'll wrap myself up in a large bow then shall i?"

I highly doubt that I, myself will be enough, because as i said the other day, whatever i do I'm going to hurt her whatever i do.

I've accepted the fact, no matter how much i dislike it, that if i were to leave this earth prematurely of my own accord, that i would hurt my 4 people indefinitely. I was thinking about J and K, and what their reaction would be, last night. But i know that i need to get it into my head that to them i am just another patient.

Yesterday after a reasonable day of eating fruit, dutch crisp bakes & 8 roasted chestnuts (and if I'm being honest a few handfuls of fruit and fibre), i then decided to join mum & D with a dinner of a very (overly) cheesy (full fat cheddar) Cullen Skink (smoked fish, potatoes & leeks in a cheesy sauce). I didn't have much potato, maybe a couple of egg sized bits, but it was really yummy. Fruit for pudding, however then later 1 chocolate for a treat turned swiftly into 3...... and due to the feelings in my stomach later on, i may have added a little too much Baileys to my horlicks. Unlike adding it to a hot chocolate, where it gives it a nice kick, it just swamped the malt flavour.

The next question is what to have for breakfast & do i make an effort to try and get the the gym one final time before 3 days with the grandparents (who like to try and start feeding you up as though they are planning on serving you for next Christmas, or look like you haven't eaten for months, which these days with a BMI of about 22 I really do not.

Since this time last year I've gone up about 10 points on the BMI system...... Something to be proud of? Terrifying? Depressing? Or all of the above? Well maybe the last 2 of the 3.

Oh and by the way did Father Christmas come early for anyone else? There's a present that's appeared under the tree overnight and the label says its from 'Father Christmas'. You know its funny how his writing is identical to that of the Tooth Fairy! I guess they share the same secretary being very busy and all that!

Susie's Appetite must die

I can't cope with this. I am constantly hungry and it really sucks. I can't get rid of it either. How can i stop it before i stop myself in less healthy ways.

Breakfast was ok, lunch was there too with an extra of half a wholemeal pitta (the other half went into a pate recipe i attempted - i tried to copy something i bought in london, needless to say it tastes nothing like it!) Dinner was good actually and its been fruit ever since.

I have stuffed with fruit today inbetween, only slipping up once with a bowl of fruit and fibre at about 3pm.

Closest i got to chocolate was a couple of options hot chocolates.

So how do i stop it? I was no more or less hungry today than i was yesterday when i stuffed with a couple of cakes and cereal too, and lots of chocolates. Its ridculous. I feel like i may as well be pregnant! well i feel like i am eating for 2, my stomach feels big enough and bloated enough, and as for my chest....... Well, to be blunt i have never had such big breasts - at least for me they seem huge! I'm sure the were never this big before i lost weight, but then again i've never been this heavy in general really. They are starting to annoy me though. I know selfish, when there are those out there who have lost their femininity to breast cancer etc. But i guess its just adding to the self hatred thats growing by the second.

I just wish i had some energy and strength to get me to the gym but my body almosts feels like it could sleep constantly right now. Seems like that gym membership might be slightly wasted. lets hope after christmas i can book into some classes regularly and get this backside (well, more the stomach) into shape!

Mistake after mistake

• pathetic fell apart mid morning and ened up calling mum and meeting her for lunch (although spotted an email at D's work from her to him which said "SB just invited herself to lunch - to say goodbye?")
• Now sitting on the sofa in the lounge trying to do as she wants. Have said i'll see whatever professionals, but have made it clear i'm doing it for her, and don't personally see the point. As i said to her, what ever i do, i'm going too hurt her, whether i stay or go.
• Have over eaten on a large scale - even by normal persons' standards.
• Started with grapefruit, 3 mini clementines, skinny hot chocolate, dutch crisp bake with spread, a small sharon fruit, about 3 little chocolates (M&S truffle type choccies), mincepie while i went out to deliver pressies to the boss & try and get something for mum. The lunch at Cafe Nero, toasted mozarella, tomato & basil panini. Bought a bit of bread pudding from Greggs after leaving mum and getting some nuts for the birds. Went to D's work, stayed there for an hour and a half. Came home in the heavy snow & had a bowl of fruit & fibre, skinny hot choc. A mini mandarin, 2 chocolate truffles, handful of salted cashews. Dinner of a leftover jacket potato, 5 sprouts, blue cheese, the potato shells filled with double gloucester cheese, half a courgette, some brocolli & cauliflower. Bowl of light walls icecream with baileys, 3 squares of milka chocolate, another small sharon fruit & skinny hot choc.
• AND I STILL FEEL HUNGRY!!! well kind of. my stomach is so bloated and full, it almost hurts, yet my brain feels almost empty and hungry still. How do i stop it? am i hungry? whats going on?
• Probably another mistake was ordering somethings online which i though would help stop me from overeating, but i know if i'm not careful could get me in a lot of trouble, and even more if mum ever finds out i have them!! I just have to make sure i'm in control.......

So three main mistakes......Playing along with life, Eating too much (don't feel like its over yet) & ordering contraban online.

I think there may be a 4th mistake in the form of harm tonight too. I'm not sure i will settle without something to focus on.

Time to say good bye in one way or another.

I can't do this anymore. I can't stand being alive. I know its selfish when there are so many people on this planet so less fortunate, but this depression and general mental state is not a way to live, and in many ways its not living - its surviving.

I've told mum i'll play happy families over christmas with the grandparents and then i'm going. but after yet another crossing of paths just a minute ago, i think i'm off tomorrow.

This is stupid - why am i even saying this? we all know i'm too pathetic and weak to leave. especially as i have nowhere to go. And with the ice and snow, sleeping in the car isn't the best of ideas, although part of me doesn't care. Hypothermia, dehydration - self harm without the effort isn't it?

Or do i leave the car at home, pack up the nytol and sleep though it all on a bench somewhere.

I just can't stay here with mum wanting me to see pointless professionals. I'm not going to waste their time just to keep other people happy. But then i also can't stay here as i am, with mum seeing me day after day. I'm sorry i'm not perfect, i'm sorry i'm not happy - but thats me! i can't magically change. therefore i think its time to leave.

Or the orders to medical supplies will go through, mistakes will occur and i'll hurt people even more.

I wish i was free, i wish they weren't around. I just want to go for ever but i know that would be the ultimate act of hurt.

Nightly Thoughts

This one was more in my control - well at least a little bit of it!

To cut another long dream short - Dr L and M came round to my house for some kind of meeting, there were lots numbers, percentages all regarding weight loss and me being overweight. In general a very depressing meeting. Until they left, i went up to my room to watch them leave - and saw Dr L leaning up against the car over M and then she kissed her. I thought i had been mistaken in what i had seen, but the she kissed her again. They were between the car and the hedge on our driveway, so obviously thought they couldn't be seen.

When they spotted me at the window, it was clear they hadn't meant anyone too see, as the came rushing to the front door. Dr L started ringing the doorbell continuously, I didn't want to see them, plus now i had power over them - If they tried to hassle me, i had something over them, something that they clearly didn't want anyone else to know. So i unplugged the doorbell, and went back inside!!



That was the end of the happier part to the dream, the rest was hospital/school/friends all mixed into one thing where as usual, i didn't know what was going on because i wasn't really with it mentally. Then the dream drifted into more bizzare realms, like Harry Potter style dementors that kept flying around killing/evaporating people. I think i'll try and hang on to the powerful part of the dream, to remind me, as K says - no-one can push me around/force me into things i don't want to do.