Sunday, 31 May 2009

jealous of illness or the image?

I was at an event today where i spotted a woman in a wheel chair amongst the crowds. Maybe she stuck out to my eyes more than others, but she was clearly extremely underweight. To be honest i'm not sure she was suffering from anorexia because despite her stick like arms and legs, her face was not at all gaunt or thin. It was more as though she had severe muscle wastage. I don't know. There was nothing of her yet her face looked healthy. Maybe is was muscle related. She was able to walk though, but clearly not for long distances.

But as I was sitting outside waiting for mum she came with a friend and they sat on the table next to me. I wanted to cry. I felt so jealous. I'm not sure what in particular it was that i was envious about though.

The illness and the wheel chair? The sleek, slender and steamline figure she had? Yet i know that she was clearly very ill. Even though her friend who was with her was rather plump and chubby, larger than me, i still felt so fat and hippo like compared to this woman who's pink dress hung off her shoulders and fell straight to her knees without touching another part of her body.

Maybe i was annoyed that eveyone sees me as healthy. I feel so cross that no-one could see the torment in my mind. How i want to attack this fat that is now clinging to me. The thoughts of self harm are so powerful but these days i don't think i could cause the damage i did in the past.

One thing is haven't read regarding recovery from anorexia is the tiredness. Over the last few days i have been sleeping for 10 hours a night and also having to have a nap during the day. I thought there was something really wrong but M assures me this is normal. I've agreed to see her and speak to K again now, i stopped being so angry with the world. Angry that i'm fat, and there is visible fat now, angry that i'm almost heavier than i was pre anorexia. I've never really been over 8 stone. I'm small framed, petite, as is mum and nan. But i'm reaching that level already. It's horrifying. I went to the local public gym to find out about fees and i really can't afford to pay £53 a month. I wish i could however there is also a stong part of me that wishes i had the membership so i could kick start the weight loss, as i did last time and get back down to at least the 7 stone where i was before the real weight loss problems.

I'm not sure what is fluid retention and what is weight gain either though. I'm praying a lot of it is fluid retention and i do notice a difference when i forget to take the herbal tablets for it, but i fear lots of this weight is here to stay.

Saturday, 23 May 2009

Busy Busy Busy

I seem to have hit one of the phases where i don't seem to have the energy to post. Where even typing seems like too much effort even though it just involves moving my fingers and nothing else!

Work is picking up again, and i have worked more hours this week than i have done since i worked as a healthcare assistant, athough that was full time, however the part time jobs since then haven't clocked up this many hours in a week. But then with this job its a bit hit and miss, for instance, this next week i'm not working at all.

I know my boss was right not to let me back to work when i first went to see him again once there was work available again, when i was at my lowest weight and maybe it was partly that which caused the eating. Whatever caused it i think it was a subconscious thought because i don't recall ever thinking anything in particular when i started, other than "mmmm.....this bread pudding tastes good!"

Talking of bread pudding, i passed a stall at a farmers market yesterday with lots of bread pudding and do you know i didn't feel any kind of urge or craving to buy any at all. However i think the cravings have moved onto another thing - yogurt coated dried fruit. yesterday i bought 100g yogurt banana chips, 100g yogurt apricot pieces and 50g yogurt ginger and by the time i got home there was only half the apricot bag left..... My excuse? i was further from home than usual. I'm not sure whether this is a good thing or not, but i then didn't have lunch yesterday. But this wasn't because i didn't feel i deserved it, as it would have been in the past, i didn't actually want lunch. i didn't feel hungry! So good in that sense i guess but bad in the sense that like a small child i had snacked too much and then didn't want my meal. But at least the hunger signals seem to be back in order.

On the down side i seem to have developed an issue with fluid retention, which can apparently be an issue linked with refeeding syndrome. But i don't want to see M or K and then thursday M gave K my mobile number without asking me so now i'm even more pissed off!

I don't think my concentration is very good either right now. Not due to low mood, more due to a manic 'i must keep moving whilst things are going well' type feeling. I have got distracted from this post and now i've lost my flow. Never mind nearly breakfast time, despite having already eaten a small handfull of grapes, 2 rices cakes with ginger preserve, 100g chopped dates and a small muller light yogurt - but hey i've been up since 5.30am and its now 7.30am. You really expect me to go 2 whole hours without eating??!! When you think about it a few weeks ago i would have had 2 huge bowls of cereal by now and other bits.

the sun is shining and mum and i are off out walking today, while D goes to an exhibition. i doubt he'll get his 10,000 steps! I expect mum and i will probably double that at least! Walking seems to be the best exercise right now whilst my muscles are still very weak. I tried running the other day, not something i can manage for long periods, but then i had already done 6 hours at work!

Must remember the sun tan lotion!

Sunday, 17 May 2009

Needed: new clothes

well maybe not, as i can always dig out the old clothes, pre ED, but it is a good excuse for shopping!

Current attire: faded black/grey jeans, aged 10 - 11 yrs from Peacocks
Status: very snug, bordering on too tight.

Thursday, 14 May 2009

self potrait

Thursday, 7 May 2009

mummy i'm sorry...

for yelling

for crying

for not telling you how i really feel

that i can't make you understand my feelings and emotions

for failing you

for disappointing you

for screwing up constantly

for being a burden

for being so dependant

for being so clingy

for limiting your life

for causing you so much stress

for not coping.

I'm sorry if i do something impulsive and damaging in the near future but i really can't take this. i'm getting closer and closer to the edge. and i know how much it will hurt you but other than you no-one seems to give a shit as to how much this is destroying me.

i;m fat, i look like i'm pregnant, i can't stop eating and i really just want out of this life. i love you so much. in fact i'm almost angry at you for being around and being alive because you are the one thing that stops me from finding that way out when i really want to. but i don't know how long i can continue crying constantly for. its too distressing and i can't carry on like this. please let me out of this life and free me from my mind.

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Mrs Blobby

The tyre around my waist is getting bigger. i'm sure its not just a warped ED biased view. How can it be when you have lost all sight of your hip bones? I mean as much as i like them sticking out, i know thats not healthy but i would still like to know they are there lost under a mass of fat. I think mum has finally realised how much this is upsetting me.

I got all the bread pudding i'd frozen out of the freezer and was about to chuck it away. I got the usual "don't be silly" remarks because after all thats all i ever am isn't it? silly. She put it all back in the freezer saying "D will eat it" except D is trying to lose weight so no he won't.

For the last 3 nights and also when i neededa sleep during the day yesterday, i have cried myself to sleep. i guess i'm in mourning. Mourning the loss of my former body, the loss of my hip bones, the loss of feeling comfortable. because its gone past that middle ground and i'm heading towards the other end of the scale. I don't know how far up that scale i've gone, i daren't look. I'm too terrified to know and i'm not having anyone else know either.

I certainly don't think i can call myself anorexic anymore.

Friday, 1 May 2009

Midnight Snack

I've had that bingeing feeling for the last 24 hours now. it was worse last night but that was because i was fighting it. it was whole cakes, whole pizzas, whole easter eggs etc etc in my thoughts last night.

ok so the whole cake didn't happen but cake did and more than one slice. (2 bread pudding and one carrot cake)

and then a bagel and then dinner out at the pub (2 small/starter plates - nachos and thai crab cakes) and then i was still hungry when i got home so i tried cereal to fill me up with extra raisins and a banana, but then about 1/2 dozen mini chocolate bars "happened" in between and then i thought i'd see if savoury would shut my brain up, which it did but only after the 2nd slice with edam cheese on it......

that all finished about 11 pm. it's now 1.30am and i feel like i haven't slept at all. Despite still being a bit bloated i still feel hungry so have opted for a cereal bar. is it good to eat when you wake like this?

but i still feel i want more

what do i do?

mind you i don't know how long it will be before i freak out again and restrict again. i just wish i could sleep.

the cereal bar has helped but i feel like i want some more. i'm tempted for a small bowl of cereal with raisins and a glass of milk too.

I'm just praying mum doesn't wake and come down. I almost feel to tired to be ashamed right now though. And too sad and fed up with all this to care. But maybe it would show her how desperate i am. Tought bit is getting the cereal and pouring it silently....i managed the cereal bar out of the box though. Only one way to find out i guess.

More sneaking around. Oh no. D's started snoring, thats bound to wake mum up!

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