Thursday, 19 November 2009

Undecided

I don't know what to do. I sat and made a list of my choices and options running through my mind during my lunch break at college today. I was there in body but certainly not in mind for most of it.

The list ranged from doing things that would most likely get me sectioned and admitted to the hell hole that is, S ward. Or admitting myself there, because i simply don't know what else to do to stop myself from eventually being overwhelmed by my thoughts and then doing something that will get me admitted and more than likely sectioned because i know if i was asked to go voluntarily i am more than likely to react badly and end up going by force.

I know i'm almost contradicting myself there. On the one hand saying i'm thinking about admitting myself and on the other hand saying i almost want to be sectioned because i know my actions will probably lead to things being taken out of my control.

Other things on my list included running away somewhere and simply booking myself a room or sleeping in the car, although that was mainly so i could then cause damage or sedate myself and not be found out. I've thought about going to stay with my grandparents, but if i was staying with them i couldn't guarantee that the thoughts would go away and i wouldn't be able to do anything about them while i was staying there.

I don't think i can stay here much longer though. I'm just disappointing mum, more and more each day. And if i'm not disappointing, i'm hurting her instead.

4 people had something to say about this:

Lola Snow said...

Reach out Susie Bell and ask for help. Please please ask for help. You don't have to do serious damage to get care, if you feel you are in trouble, and it sounds to me like things are slipping badly, you need to ask for help. I care.

Lola x

The Woollen Typist said...

Maybe you should contact your CMHT and ask for some sort of crisis intervention/help/support. This doesn't necessarily mean going into hospital...they can just monitor you more closely or see you as an intensive day/out patient.

It is far better to seek the help yourself and accept it voluntarily than to be forced in and sectioned...where I'm sure you know the rest.

Once again, please consider contacting your CMHT.

Sorry again for being so repetitive and mentioning things you probably already know.

Look after yourself and stay safe. xx:)

Susie said...

Thank you both of you. It feels from experience that with my local services if i do want any help then that only ever happens once damage is done. With my CMHT its hospital or nothing. In the past all i've ever been told is if you need help out of hours, call the crisis team - who then either admit you, section you or send you home!

If i hadn't had such bad experiences and knew that i was blessed with such crap services then maybe things would be very different.

Seeker said...

I know it can be hard to get the help you need here in the UK. You have to persevere though. If you keep telling everyone you need help, in the end hopefully somebody will listen.

Click here for a link to some helplines etc in the area where I live. Maybe there is something there that will help you.

 
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