Friday, 30 October 2009

I want them to go now. I feel bad for saying it but i feel so desperate now that i wish i had no family. I wish that guilt factor would go away - so i can go away.

Mum starting saying how she'd been thinking what it would be like if i wasn't around; my room used for another purpose, my car not parked outside the house, my bag not under the stairs, my laptop not in the lounge....... She didn't say those particular things. She didn't get that far, i was already crying and she was close to it.

I keep wishing i'd wake up and my life so far has all been one long dream, but i know thats not going to happen.

I know i'm hurting her simply by being depressed and the self harm, but in the long run is that any better than the ultimate hurt?

She wants me to be alive and safe but she ultimately want me to be content too. I feel right now that there is only one way i can feel at peace. This much i did tell K today. I think the only reason she hasn't had me sectioned me is because she believes in the strength of my love and attachment for my mother.

But in not being able to be at peace, the thoughts of harm, unbelievable damage, are so strong. The demon says that no-one would ever know, and that i could manage the wounds, that it would be our secret just like ED said it would.

The force is getting stronger each day and i'm really not sure how much longer i can battle it, i do feel this is going to result in an ultimate sectioning or hospitalisation. Maybe the crisis centre in London is worth a try, even if it is 5 days of relative safety.

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