Saturday, 27 February 2010

Confirmation (via mother)

It seems i am even too big/overweight/f-a-t according to my mother now too. I have been getting various comments since she realised i was try with all my might to loose weight. In fact i'm starting to wonder now if she'd care if i stopped eating all together - if only i could fight my appetite & the stress/comfort eating that much.

When she first noticed i'd started cutting back (plus going to the gym 4/5 days a week) her words were "I'm watching you!" but in a matter of a couple of months that has turned completely full circle.

One wednesday when she had asked me what i had done that day, i though i'd try and prove to her that i was trying to lose the weight semi-sensibly, for all the good it did me. I told her how in between my two classes (both hour long intensive aerobics/fitness classes), i had walked into town (about 20 minutes), gone to Holland & Barrett and found this rather yummy protein bar which was only 136 calories and tasted just like a double decker to me! I said this to prove i was being sensible by having something to eat between my two jumpy bouncy classes. The response i got? "Did you really need that?"

With being ill over the last week my eating & appetite has gradually decreased. My throat is so sort this morning that even swallowing liquid was rather a trial - so i'm not holding out much hope for today either. However judging my last nights remarks from mum, thats not a problem. I really didn't feel like eating yesterday, and knew i wasn't going to get through much so thought i'd treat myself to a bit of bread pudding. Sadly the first bakery i was counting on didn't have any which was a big disappointment as they make a really nice one, but i thought i'd try the other bakery while i was out. But being a chain bakery it wasn't unsuprisingly not that great, a bit dry, but then again nothing tastes like it should right now, so i guess the flavour wasn't too bad. Anyway - mum saw the foil packet & i, trying to be open & honest and share things with her - again for all the good it does me, explained my day and lack of appetite.
"Wouldn't it be a good idea to capitalise on that?"

Feeling my frustration yet? I said to her that if i'd not eaten very much she'd have been on my back, chasing me about it. "No i wouldn't" However, in fact the other day she came home & commented how there weren't very many dirty dishes & proceeded to ask me what i'd had for lunch.

The nail in the coffin whilst i was making my bowl of parsnip soup "Well, you're not going to waste away, are you?"

It makes me want to throw it back in her face and eat nothing at all, after all i have enough body fat to live on, and clearly its not just my own personal body image - its real.

sadly it seems my cough/cold is slowly starting to clear up which means it looks like i'm going to have to face this family therapy meeting thing on Tuesday - can you tell how much i've been avoiding it - I haven't even alluded to it on here yet, and its now 4 days away. The other annoying thing is i'm not sure i'm going to be up to going to gym to take out my frustrations on the punch bag tuesday morning - surely though if i'm not well enough for the gym, then i'm not well enough for a stressful meeting??!!

Wednesday, 24 February 2010


Seems i'm destined to be F-A-T!!

Even after uping my protein in take, there has been no difference in either the scales or the sensible method which is my nice Laura Ashley trousers than i want to fit back into.

The dietician came up with no suggestions and simply advised not cutting back any further.

The blood tests were all fine. J suggested i just need to adjust to things but how can i when i've never been this big in my life. She tried to ease my distress by reminding me that it's normal to gain weight at my age, having recently finished growing etc but that didn't stop the tears falling and when she took my hand, it just seemed to hurt all the more.

I've working as hard as i can at the gym - despite a chesty cough a & a sprained ankle over the last few days, although pain killers masked that - but its taking triple doses of caffeine tablets to get me there (it genuinely slipped my mine about that when talking to J tonight). I did 2 classes and 30 minutes in the gym today & i struggled with that. I was going to give it a rest tomorrow but given that there is no physical cause for anything, then it seems i have no choice but to try and work through the ankle pain (i found the recumbant bike was ok for that, less pressure on the ankle) at the gym after college tomorrow.

I'm eating 75% of the recommened calorie intake for women, so why isn't anything changing at all.

When i suggested it was my body punishing me for starving myself for those 3 years, J didn't think it was anything to do with my past.

Mum's just come home, and failing to hid my tears I've just told her what happened with J (minus the bit when she took my hand), and just like J, mum has no suggestions.

No-one does.

According to calculators online (yes, i know i probably shouldn't wind myself up like that...) just with my calorie deficit each day, i should be losing about a lb a week.

I'm shattered, bunged up, have a sort throat and my ankle feels like its going to drop off. what i'd really like right now is a ready meal for dinner because i so can't be arsed - plus i don't want to stand in the kitchen on one leg and cook.

But instead i'm going to look up something to do with an aubergine (not that anything tastes like it should right now) and contemplate skipping college tomorrow and spending all day at the gym. Although if i screw up this course it will just be another failure to add to the list.

I just want to say one final thing - something thats no about me and totally self centered and self pittying! To all my bloggy friends who i know are struggling right now (i can think of 4 off the top of my head, but if i name them i know there will be others i've forgotten!) take care (hypocrit i know) and sending you all virtual hugs.

Friday, 19 February 2010

"Have a break. Have a K!tk6t." (or just sleep)

Things may be a tad quiet around here for a bit. All energies (and artificial energies) are being focussed in one place right now. A place i feel safe (so of the time, depending who i'm with), a place i know i can't over eat, a place i know i'm doing good things and a place i can hit things! Only one thing i can't really do which tend to happen when i leave which is cry.

I think the crying is partly due to exhaustion but also due to keeping a straight face and "happy" face for at least 2 hours. There are certain people i trust enough to see the tears, but i know they are people who understand, people who have let me into their pasts slightly and let me know that they've been there in one way or another too. Plus T gives me hugs, which i woule never turn down.

People (& my body) are telling me that i should perhaps slow down a bit and take it easy. My body decided to show me this by sleeping for 90 minutes - thats an hour and a half! - yesterday afternoon for the afternoon 'nap'. I'm relying on pain killers and pain killing gels more and more. I keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end but after 2 months i'm seeing nothing - If anything i've grown even bigger.

Time to get ready for another morning of hard work.

Monday, 15 February 2010

Growing and growing

I can't cope with this. I'm growing bigger and bigger, despite 5 days at the gym last week with at least 2 hours there each day, working hard and also under eating by at least a whole day's calorie allowance.

What else can i do? Live at the gym? My knee joints are already incredibly painful, and I'm considering going to see J because i won't be able to walk soon! Plus i have to take at least a double dose (today it will be treble) of caffeine tablets to get me moving rather than falling asleep.

According to ideal weight guides I'm well over mine, and my goodness my clothes are telling me so! I look 4 months pregnant still.

To add to my stress D has man flu, and is off work today. He really annoys me when he's ill actually. He has this pathetic cough which means he can't simply cough once but has to splutter it out each time. He can't just have a simple cold - it has to be man flu all the way. Another good reason to stay at the gym for as long as possible today.

Blood test in an hour and a half (10.10am), which is kind of annoying because it means i can't get to a class at either gym because one starts at 10am and the other at 10.25am and they are the only classes until the evening and the evening classes get booked up at least a week in advance, and actually so do the day classes.

Even after a dose and a half of caffeine tablets so far, i still want to go back to sleep. What can i do? Someone please tell me! sat looking at this blob of a body i just want to sob my heart out (although i can't as D has now made it downstairs), i don't even feel like i want to harm and attack because i don't even feel i have the energy for that. I just feel like i want to sleep. I have probably enough energy to get to the doctors although it might involve defrosting the car first!! But i think it might take a bit more pill popping to get me to the gym, however i think that should probably wait until i get back just in case it screws up the blood test. After all I'm supposed to be looking for reasons for this tiredness and it probably not going to show much if I'm dosed up to the eyeballs!

Friday, 12 February 2010


I knew i should have bought that cereal - just because it looked so tasty and the cereal bar version really is extremely yummy - i knew i should have bought it. The well intentioned bowl measured bowl for pudding turned into eating from the packet and more with milk once i was alone. The "i've started so i'll finish" feeling kicked in and before i knew it there were 3 small chocolate biscuits inside of me too.

According to my calculations i'm still not over THE limit but i am way over MY limit. The LBT class, warm on the reactor pads, pilates and induction session on the X bikes were not enough today. Not now anyway.

The weekend stress eating seems to have started early. Any the fear of too many people means a trip to the gym tomorrow is just not possible. Looks like i will be working extra hard on monday, i just need to remember that.

Thursday, 11 February 2010

Food Diary

"Why did you start keeping a food diary again?"

This was the question posed by the dietician.

I struggled to answer straight away and had to think about my answer, as i realised there were a range of answers.

  1. To keep a track of calories
  2. To keep track of all the extra little snacks

These where the 2 answers I gave her, but continuing the food diary tonight i started to think more about why i'm doing it and the habits i'm getting back into.

  • I'm back to weighing everything right down to vegetables and fruit
  • i was even thinking about how to weigh a pear in bed last night, without having to cut it up first. Simply weigh it before, much away and the weigh the core after. Ta Dah!
  • Yes, it's stopping the snacks but when i add it all up, it shows how little i am eating.
  • Although i like seeing the numbers, i'm still not actually eating near the RDA for calories for women, but then i'm still not losing any weight either, despite at least 90 mins at the gym 4 days a week.

So anyway day 3 of higher protein diet, dietician said there was nothing she would advise changing in the diet, she didn't even say eat more, but as i'm not losing any weight i clearly don't need to eat more!! So blood tests on monday and just continue to work hard at the gym. 2 classes tomorrow morning, in fact i must remember to book in for next week's classes, so i'll do that right now! I'm certainly getting my moneys worth!

Sunday, 7 February 2010

Chocolate Comfort

I can't pinpoint the emotions and i really have no clue as to a reason, if in fact there is one.

I feel exhausted, so much so that even the Pro Plus tablets didn't seem to take much effect yesterday.

All i want is comfort - good job its the lower calorie Options hot chocolate i'm drinking otherwise i would have reached the daily guideline for calories on hot chocolate alone! Although i think i managed to make a reasonable dent in that with the cheese i ate before & during lunch.

It feels like food is the only way i can find comfort right now. Each night when i sleep my nocturnal thoughts are filled with memories and stories created around the characters. So vivid and intrusive, i wake with my mood ever lower than when i had finally managed to settle myself in bed for sleep. Hospitals, sectioning, previous jobs, childhood friends from a secondary school that i loved so dearly.......All of these taunting me about my regrets of the past and scaring me about what may lay ahead in the future.

I'd love to have a nap right now, but i'm afraid things won't feel any better when i wake. My protruding, bloated belly won't have disappeared thats for sure, which i suppose is partly why i've lost the will to be in control and simply continue to feed it - with fruit as well as the odd not so healthy snack. I worry about critisism from mum & D, which means most of the extras, especially the unhealthy ones are consumed in secret and aquired when it cannot be noticed that they are missing. For example the small(ish) Fox's chocolate biscuits are not missing from the top layer in the tin, but from, where it will not be seen at the moment, the lower layer. (Although there may be questions to answer when the top layer is finished and it is noticed that there are already biscuits missing from the lower layer!)

Keeping a food diary seems to have failed in keeping my appetite and consumption under wraps. Even though looking in the mirror brings me to tears, by seeing that my jaw line has vanished, and in its place a 2nd chin has appeared, i still feel to tired to fight the appetite. I wish it was a body dysmorphic perception however the comparision between photos from the past few months are counting against that theroy.

I'm booked in for pilates of tuesday, but right now i'm not sure if i'll make it to the gym tomorrow or for anything other than the pilates class. Maybe the thought of trying out my new pink boxing gloves will inspire me. I wish i could afford a personal trainer, someone to motivate me back into shape.

I surrender - time for an afternoon nap.

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