Saturday, 28 February 2009

The wrong way!

No! No! No!

Having this tooth out was meant to keep the scales down not make them go up! Its all gone wrong, in more ways than one, and now i'm left stressed and feeling like a lard arse.

Tuesday i developed a migraine and had to spend the day laying down in the dark. Wednesday was better but i still had no energy at all to do anything much with a thumping head ache. Thursday was judgement day for the tooth. It came out in the afternoon but that then meant i couldn't do any activity for fear of it starting to bleed again. However it decided to start bleeding overnight anyway and i had to have it sorted out yesterday again, which meant another day of nothing, to make sure it didn't start bleeding again.

Thats it now though. This weekend i need to work my socks off. I mean somehow i've gained weight rather than even maintaining or losing weight.

I feel fat, frumpy, lazy. Mainly fat though, right around my stomach. i feel like i could poke at the fat on my tummy and it would wobble. Probably only be noticeable to me though.

Its not fair. It wasn't supposed to be like this. What if its that medication? I started taking it again this week. I'll see how the cleaning and gardening helps. At least it gives me the motivation to move my lardy arse.....

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Maudsley Approach

An interesting and informative article in the Washington Post written by Carrie over at ED Bites.

But is there an age limit as to who it would help? I cook my own dinner and have complete control and i panic severely if i lose that safety net. Would it work with a partnership/marriage relationship too?

Handing over control seems like too much of a big step for me. Although M really wants me to consider inpatient treatment, as she says she thinks it's too much for me to deal with on my own. But i'm making the choice to restrict, partly out of fear of a repeat of thursday, but i'm giving myself the situation to deal with so in my mind i should be dealing with it at home, although i fear this is not fair on mum and D more than anyone.

Thursday, 19 February 2009

Dear Mum.....

........i so want to tell you whats really going on right now. In fact actually i don't want to talk. No. I want to just curl up in your arms and cry. I want a safe space to just let all the fear, sadness and desperation out. If i talk though it means telling you how close to the edge i am again, how scared i am that this time i'm not going to get out of this black hole alive.

I love you so so much, once again i'm typing through tears. I couldn't even listen to the song "Mama" by the spice girls yesterday without crying. I think i made it past the first couple of lines and then that was it all i wanted was you, there besides me.

You came home tonight saying that you were all unsure about the security of your jobs in the office and you know what, i hope you are made redundant in some ways. Sure it scares the crap out of me to think that if you were at home i'd have to eat three meals a day at least. But it would be ok, because you'd be there. Right now i wish we could just spend the days curled up on the sofa together, but maybe thats born out of my fear that before long whether directly or indirectly that you will outlive me.

If anything is to happen, i pray you find this blog - if you haven't already, but i'm pretty sure you haven't. Yes it will hurt to read. Its not happy or anything to be proud of (whats new there?) but i hope it will show you some of what is going on in my head, maybe it will show you that i really honestly don't want to be this way despite what you may think.

Mum i'm tired. but there's this demon inside of men that keep pushing me on, making me continue. In fact i think there are 2 forces, one's the demon that continues to punish, starve and destroy and the other is almost a mirror of you. My reason for continuing with normal day to day things and being alive even if only in body and not in spirit.

I don't know what is going to break this circle of destruction, i just hope it is broken before it breaks me - for good.


Dot Dot Dot, Dash Dash Dash, Dot Dot Dot! (WARNING - possibly graphic certainly not happy)

I'm sorry if this post gets too detailed or graphic but i really need to get it out of my system. I'll leave a nice long gap before i get into the not so pleasant and rather depressing, possibly triggering details. I'm typing this standing up. I will not sit down until about 7pm now when we have dinner - not that i deserve dinner. Can you see where this is heading yet? How about if i described myself as a Failed Bulimic? Right, here comes the gap.

So i thought i'd try and start the day with a bit more food than i had planned. the original plan was nothing at all before i went into town in the morning like a normal thursday, and then have my soup and fruit when i got home in the afternoon. so i sat and had a couple of pieces of fruit instead of just the planned tea and warm (sugar free) squash. On finishing the fruit the craving for a cereal bar took hold, but then things got out of control and quickly spiraled into another 2 cereal bars, a munchies icecream bar, 3 mini crunchies and in the hope of making myself sick with something extremely sweet and sickly, a huge lump of white icing. As a rough guesstimation i think i consumed about 1000 calories in the space of less than 30 minutes - thats probably more than i'd normally have in a day!!

So i headed to the bathroom, and attempted to purge myself of the evilness i had consumed. This is something that very rarely happens and with the delicate state of my heart as it is, i had visions of collapsing and snuffing it there and then in the downstairs loo. So the next turn of events was probably my saving grace. i managed a pitiful purge that would have probably have just about expelled one of the mini crunchies. Pathetic. But then........when i tried again, there in front of me, standing out against the stark white of the porcelain..... fresh blood. Whether i simply scraped my throat with my nails or whether my delicate body/oesophagus was simply too weak i don't know but luckily i had the sense to stop there. On closer inspection i had also managed to create a huge blood blister on the edge of my tongue, however it was clear that this was not yet the cause of what i had already spotted. So now i have aching stomach muscles and a hole in my tongue.

Thats all the gory details over with now. So of course there was only one things for it - some serious calorie burning. What was going to counter act the evilness fastest? To start with an hour and a half straight digging in the garden. That may get me a third of the way there. Next, Hoover the whole of the lounge and move all the furniture to make sure the whole carpet is cleaned and then move it all back again. Then change my bed, making sure to turn my mattress over and also around by 180 degrees. how do they make matresses so heavy? what do they put in those things? Ok, so mine is a double bed..... put the washing on. Take out recycling and compost making sure to make as many trips to the bins as possible. same applies for putting on washing and getting things from upstairs. get a shovel and give the compost bins a bashing to compact the contents down.

Next into town, park in the carpark furthest away from when i need to go. I made sure to buy the heavy things first so i have to carry them around town with me - its surprising how heavy 4 large heads of brocoli can be! So in total i was walking around the shops for about an hour and a half. So by then i thought i might be getting somewhere a bit closer to evening things out. I'd put the box of glass recycling in the car, a box of about 30 jars and bottles. the one thing our council won't recycle! So putting them in one at a time took more effort.

The final jobs before mum gets home - remake my bed. The fitted sheet is still in the tumble dryer though!! theres 25 mins before she gets home - it'll be tight to hide my manic activity and distasterous day.

Oh i forgot to mention the part where i turned back to the faithful razor blade to vent my anger and disgust towards myself.

Why, when i know that the body needs a certain amount of calories to get through the day as it is, do i then go OTT on exercise because i feel i need to get rid of the evilness? According to an online calculator my BMR is just a bit over the binge total...... and as i haven't eaten anything since that and am planning a dinner than will barely take me over it - why am i worrying? I mean its not like my body doesn't need it.

Bed is made and done. mum will be home any second. D wouldn't notice my obessive manicness i don't think. plus he's outside in the garage at the moment sanding something down i think. and as a final punishment no fruit for pudding tonight, no low cal hot chocolate and only low cal veggies to go in the WW curry sauce tonight.

I don't know which is going to get me first. Today i wasn't sure if my body was simply going to give out first or whether i was going to end up doing something directly to bring things to an end. I haven't felt that suicidal in a while. It scares me.

And M thinks i should go for the assessment at the unit and also accept any offers of a bed for a inpatient stay. But i don't need an inpatient stay!! I'm still dead set against it. Although i fear if things carry on i will be dead in general instead. Something has to change. I just don't know what and the though of being stuck on a unit where i know i will more than likely be put on bed rest, with a BMI of about 13.5, and forced to eat food that i probably won't like just feels like worse punishment than i'm putting myself through already.

Mum's home, so time to start cooking some veggies for dinner, and acting normal. I need to find something/somewhere to go during the weekdays though. I need somewhere that i wouldn't be commited to though, in case things go wrong. I can't handle commiting to something and then having to leave, its happened too many times in the past.

Anyway time to put the normal act on and hope she doesn't twig how close things have come to disaster today.

Monday, 16 February 2009

The end of the road

People say live your life for you and not for others. Trouble is i don't want life, it hurts too much. The pain and misery never goes away. I have to live my life for others, its the only reason i'm still alive. I find myself wondering more and more if i'll outlive my nan and my mum. For the agony and pain it would cause them, i hope i do. But for me i just want an end to all this.

I want mum right now, not because she can make it better, but more to do with the fact like i feel like i'm on my last legs and i want to spend my last moment with her. I just want to be with her. I necessarily want her holding me or touching me, i don't think thats fair on her. I wouldn't want to put her through holding a skeleton anyway.

It just feels like there's only one way this is all going to end - these feelings - this depression and that would mean the end of me as well, which i know really isn't what i want.

My shock of the scales yesterday was replaced by the normal anger again this morning. i thought yesterday was too good to be true. Yesterday was a nightmare as it was. No exercise, stress induced snacking and gallons of liquid to try and replace the snacking. Add in a few arguments and you get one of the worst days possible.

Question now is what do i do today?

Sunday, 15 February 2009

Sleepy Sleepy

2 Weeks and no blogging? I'm exhausted. I've given up the fight. Both mentally and physically. My weight is fading and so is my strength to do on. I get the bus to town on market day once a week now because i wonder it i am going to stay standing, almost praying i won't so someone will stop me and stop this from going on - take away that responsibility of dealing with food and eating and managing my weight. But it never happens no matter how little i eat.

This morning i thought my weight would be up after a few extra bits yesterday plus licking the packets of mum's valentine's meal. Scallops and Chorizo in a sherry butter, Duck a l'orange and chocolate mousse cups which stuck to the packet when D tried to get them out. The scraps equal my "treats". Now i know i woke late and weighed in late this morning but even that didn't prepare me for the shock i gave myself. I was hoping for the maintaining the same at least, what i wasn't expecting was to drop below another milestone number.

I was thinking it wouldn't matter if i had gained a little anyway as today the plan is i climb a tree in order to cut the majority of it down. Climbing and sawing, in the cold. Its a calorie burning marathon than was going to save me from the weight i had gained yesteday. But that never happened and the tree cutting is still going ahead, but if i eat extra my stress levels rise and i get extremely angry.

The other issue this week with my anger and giving up on life, lead to my "forgetting" to pick up the prescription this week. The stupidly low dose has not touched me, i don't see the point. I'm not seeing K for another week, it was supposed to be discussed at the CPA that was cancelled to to the snow.

Mum said to me yesterday "How long are you going to walk around in front of me like a skeleton for?" Before i could stop myself i replied "I Dunno, until you chuck me out?" What a stupid thing to say. I don't think she would right now but i know she has every right and every reason. But we both know i'm only surviving because of her.

I need to rest a bit before the tree felling starts.

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