Friday, 30 April 2010

Worth the wait

Appointment with K was at 6.12pm, i knew i'd never see her at that time, but i still got there 20 minutes early because i just needed to leave the house. I couldn't worry about the appointment with mum around me.

half a dozen people in the waiting room, but my favourite receptionist behind the desk. The people gradually disappeared, leaving me alone in a more than familiar room. I've lost track of the number of times i've sat there alone, waiting, last appointment on the list, crying, praying J, Susie or the receptionsts would stop and talk to me. maybe comfort me...

Today, once alone, i got up to talk to E - just like old times. But there was still the desk separating us. I also wanted to check how she was, and that she is still in remission from the nasty breast cancer. She said she was tired, but ok. She returned the question. I wasn't going to lie to her, how can you lie through tears anyway?

Normal appointment with K, nothing she can really do, but give me the security of knowing she's there for me. I foolishly suggested i might see if there was an appointment with J or Susie next tuesday, to try and save myself from a repeat of last tuesday - trouble is i'm not sure if i want to. They weren't available though, however K is.....Maybe if K sees what i feel like after seeing Terry Pratchett then she'll understand, and that doesn't mean i have to cause injury to express that.

After finally seeing K at 6.30pm (thats not a long wait for her! i have known her running an hour late), Half an hour with her; tears - parting comments from her about me "deserving a life" which resulted in more tears and trying to stop myself from getting angry, partly at myself, because i don't agree - not after all my screw ups & failures, and a couple more appointments. I was the last patient left in the building, with 3 reception staff waiting to let me go out & go home. Waiting for me.

The youngest had the keys & was about to let me out, when E, my favourite, took them and came out from behind the desk instead.

"As much as i love to see you, i hate seeing you like this & i don't want to see you too often"

Her care and compassion simply increased my tears. Her response was to put and arm round me, holding me closer to her.

"Aww, Don't cry babes"

I wish it could have been a longer hug. Without her worrying about professionalism, without me worrying someone would see & tell her off. It is a hug i've longed for & dreamed out for so long. It wasn't much, but something is better than nothing. She didn't have to take the keys to let me out, she chose to because she knows me better. She's known me over 10 years - she's one of the original gang. And she still cares. And i still dream.

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Lost my grip

I didn't realise how much earlier means i have lost my grasp on things.

I want to do it again and again. I want to go out for a walk - now in the dark. I want to sit on the bench in the churchyard, in the cold & cry. I want to disappear into the night.

I can order things because i don't know how long they will take to get here & i can't afford to risk it arriving at the weekend & mum finding out.

I just know today wasn't enough though. But what will be enough? How far will things have to go before it is enough to stop my messed up brain? Will it stop before someone stops me?

Maybe i want to lose control? Let go of life for a bit. If only i could.....

reasons not to see a psychologist

i have 6 (or is it 7?) of them right now. put there by a doctor, with the help of a nurse - and actually my help too because the light was broken to i held it up & stopped it hitting them on the head. I would have fixed things myself & went asking for them to simply give me the things i needed to fix myself, but they wouldn't let me & simply took the 20 mins out of their appointments to do it for me.

I could have sworn Susie (yes we're both called susie) had a tear in her eye as i left. I was crying as she was saying how she wish i could just meet a nice young man and live happily ever after. She said she felt of when she realised she'd been picking up my pieces over the last 10 years.

I was more upset that i didn't want things to go back to how they were 10 years ago, when i was needing their help every week. But i've agree to go back and see Susie in 10 days & she made me appointment with K for friday - its time to stop kidding myself. Maybe the appointment today wasn't such a bad thing - maybe it was time for me to let go and show how much i'm holding inside.

However mum does think i actually found it ok today - little does she know! because i am seeming quite cheerful. I think i may be overacting a little too much.

Susie & the doc did say i should give my 4 hours at the gym a rest tomorrow - but my 6/7 reasons survived a jog tonight so as long as i'm careful - plus once i've done some shopping tonight online i can always replace them if there are any problems.

Sorry if its cryptic but i can't even type things honestly - i don't want to admit it - plus i still feel i can't type the truth with mum & D in the room, even though they are eating dinner & paying no attention to me, and haven't a clue what i'm typing!

Sunday, 25 April 2010

Post Secret

Photo of a big bunny rabbit!

not sure it pulls me out me, but it can be wonderful distraction.

Friday, 23 April 2010


I am becoming lost, even more so than i already am.

Life is becoming very hazy, blurred around the edges, no defining points or markers. I am becoming more uncertain as to where i am. In the past, present, a dream, a nightmare, a fear regarding the future or even the media - a book or TV programme.

My thoughts no longer seem my own. I worry if i have stolen them from someone or somewhere.

I'm scared of myself, or what i may do or might have done.

Have the thoughts of overdose (if they were my thoughts in the first place and not those from a book) become a reality? I feel sick, have i done it again? How many tablets were there in that packet? Is my speech OK? Am i slurring? Am i making sense?

Who am i? What do people see when they look at me?

Am i in control anymore?

M cancelled on me again this week but rearranged for next Tuesday. First appointment with Terry Pratchett also next Tuesday. M can't do anything & i don't trust Terry Pratchett yet. I could go back to J, she always makes it known that she's there for me if i want her. But i don't feel its justified, she's seen me bleeding to death & hysterical before now, despite my current fears and (slight) depression, it just doesn't feel worth seeing her for.

I should perhaps see K but again despite the constant flow of tears, paranoia and almost disassociation, I'm torn between feeling too scared to see her or feeling i really should before these feelings get anymore out of reach. I am also very aware though that I am supposed to be going away for 2 weeks in July, and i don't want anything to jeopardise that, otherwise i know nan is unlikely to travel on her own without me. I can't mess this one up. For Nan's sake.

But maybe this is just me living in the past again, where i have had trips planned & fallen ill before it happen - mainly school trips but still a lot of money was lost - just another guilt or skeleton in my closet.

Thursday, 22 April 2010

More things to panic/stress/worry/cry about

Signed up & payed for the exams today - all i need now is a note from my GP (and some diazepam too i think). Woman at the finance window heard me chatting the girl i've got to know best (we both just been to see the student support lady)

"Everyone who comes to the window to pay for an exam has been saying exactly the same thing. Don't Worry."

Yeh, sure. Do you know me, lady-at-the-finance-window? Do you know how my previous exam attempts have ended? Do you know what happened when i started this course? Do you know how easily i loose control of my mind? Do you know how scared i am of myself?

"Yes, but i'm not sure everyone reacts to things in the way i do."

Was all i replied, as my mind wandered back to my GCSEs and 2 attempts at AS levels, at 2 different schools.

As i said to one of my class instructors at the gym:

"As long as i know what i'm doing, i don't care. Even if it means lots more crying, as long as i'm in control, i don't care."

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Clouds already here, not even on the horizon anymore

I'm so tired. Tired of dragging/driving myself to the gym, in tears & then driving home again in tears. On Monday it was too hard to hold it it & as soon as N asked me what was wrong, i promptly burst into tears - poor bloke.

There are so many things going around in my head. Exams, memories of school & hospitals, exercise, food.......

I think i'm going to attempt the exam, but if i now work my backside off & actually pass, then people will simply turn round as say i had nothing to worry about. But if i fail.........

When the depression clouds move it, they bring the exhaustion, memories, vivid dreams, nightmares. On the upside the tiredness wins over the fights with the appetite. But the when you're even more tired than normal trying to do 3 hours at the gym becomes even harder.

I'd like to stop. Stop everything. No gym, no college, no going out. But i know i can't. I'm too scared. I'm too scared that if i stop the weight will pile on, which is why after 5 and a half hours at college tomorrow i'll shall, no doubt head to the gym and carry on the battle against my body.

Sunday, 18 April 2010

Someone turn it off!

One of the reasons i hate breaking my routine so much is that i find it so hard to regain control.

Treats & eating out galore for the last 3 days but now i can't or rather don't want to stop it, however the tiredness has hit & now i have nothing left to give. The sofa & a recording of Britains Got Talent is as much as my brain is up to right now. Even the horrible appetite has gone finally, i don't even have the energy to eat anymore, which is good because i've eaten more than enough today already.

If i don't lose weight when restricting & exercising, then there's no way i can keep these indulgent eatings. I even walked back to nan's from town yesterday - 45 minutes across brighton - as a brisk pace, up the hills to the back of the town.

The tears are there waiting, but they will have to wait a little longer until i'm alone.

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Cosmetic Surgery

I'm seriously considering it. Just to get rid of the bits i don't want. Not to enhance, not to shape bone and not on my face.

Just a little removal of the wobbly bits/stuff. The bits i now can't seem to shift with diet or exercise.

I'm not stupid enough to go abroad for it because its cheap over seas (but after a flight/travel etc its probably just as expensive.) but i am tempted by one well know company's offer of a free consultation. That just sounds too good to be true though. Is it really totally free? Or just free i you agree to a procedure. Like opticians who often offer free eye tests when you buy any pair of glasses.

I wish i knew someone who had been there & had the work done.

Then of course there is the issue of money. I'm not totally sure i want to spend the only savings i have. Maybe if i win the lottery - perhaps i should start playing the lottery more, then i'd have more chance of winning! I don't qualify for their £79 a month finance deal because you have to work full time for that.

Hmmm ok. i need that lottery win...... prices from £2965............. i really can't afford that.

I really wish i could though.

Monday, 12 April 2010


Since October i've been going most thursdays (except half term, xmas, another half term & now easter, plus 2 sickness days) - to college.

We got the exam form before easter. The student support lady suggested doing it in a separate room or have extra time, but she said i needed something official, so i went to see J today. I just got the feeling from J that she didn't think i needed it. I just got the same old "you're bright", "It's normal to panic and have a mind blank etc"

Why can't people get it into their heads - I'm not that clever!!! My mind no longers retains the information it needs to - especially not that to pass an exam, not even one that has a pass mark of 50%.

I've had no motivation to do any revision at all. I copied a little out of a book from the library and i reorganised my folder but no matter how many time i read over the stuff, nothing sinks in.

M said she wouldn't think any less of me if i chose not to take the exam, when i talked to her about it last week. Or even if i did but then didn't pass.

I got 9 out of 20 in a test before easter, and that was a test that i DID revise for and thought i minght have a shot at. Doesn't look good, does it?

My fear if that the stress will push me over the edge. The stress of starting the course (and other things) left me doing things i don't remember at the end of october. I don't want that to happen again - for mum rather than anyone else.

I don't know what to do. But whatever i chose i will have failed in some way. Either:

  1. take the exam at a cost of £70 and most likely fail (not putting myself down, just being realistic). I will not have anyone else pay for my failures either - so it will be my money i waste. (just like it will be my money if i never wear that damn dress!)
  2. don't even attempt the exam and let people down because i have failed to even try and do it. which will probably leave me just as stressed and depressed.

There is one good thing i've discovered about restricting - when you then get very stressed and want to comfort eat - you can have that one piece of cake because due to earlier restricting i can still stay within the daily calorie allowance!

Tomorrow i shall have breakfast, head to the gym, spend a couple of hours there and then travel to meet a friend in london. Our plan is to meet for a frozen yogurt (and if she reads this blog i have just totally given my identity away to her!), but there is another shop nearby called Candy cakes which sell large cupcakes, topped with thick(ish) solid icing and often sweets too. I think its the bright colours that really make them appealing, but i really want one - so that may be lunch i think (along with the frozen yogurt!). We'll see if i have the guts to buy one tomorrow. The stress mum is causing me tonight i should think i probably will!!

Have just remembered i put my washing in the machine 4 hours ago - i think it might be done by now..........

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Afternoon Nap

Mum just came home to find me asleep.......

I'd gone to sleep at 4.30pm, woken at 5pm, turned over & went back to sleep, woken up at 5.30pm thought i had half still before mum & D got home so turned and fell asleep again........until mum sat on my bed and woke me up at 6pm.

The last time she came home to fnd me asleep in bed i'd ODed, she couldn't get any sense out of me, struggled to get me to A&E where i promptly started fitting, was taken to resus & had another seizure.

Mummy, I'm sorry i worried you. This is why i make sure i'm awake normally before you get home. I honestly do have a nap like this in the afternoon sometimes, & i do get in bed and pull the covers over me then too.

I'm sorry. xxx

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Too many memories, thoughts & fears

My head seems to be running away with me. Thoughts seem to rattle through my brain, flashing past before i can get a hold on them. Then follow the memories. So brief i can only just identify the year & location before they have given way to the next. Then the fears force their way to the front. The Future, the present. The "what ifs?".

They race through like an express train. Not stopping long enough to make their intentions or meanings clear.

Thursday, 1 April 2010

How to offend your guests

I went to college today (and cried my though the class - but thats another story) and while i was away from my control zone (home) Mum's cousin started making soup.

Potato & leek - that's ok i thought, then mum started blending it for her in the kitchen a second ago - with FULL FAT MILK!!


I'd finally got my head around the fact that we were going to eat out yet again tonight - but it seems while i was out they changed the plans. So now I'm already eating a different main course to them. They're having salmon fillets. Although i eat fish i generally only eat white fish & shellfish. The Susie Belle rule book says oily fish can only be eating with lettuce leaves & cucumber (or other items that will not greatly increase the calorie content of the meal). And now i'm going to offend them by not wanting the soup.

So now i'm sat on the sofa between the daughter & D, praying that they will respect me and not peer round the corner of the laptop screen. I really need to go and sob my heart out. I need someone to give me a hug but there is no-one. I can't tell mum how much distress all this is causing me, i need to try and convince her as best i can because i can't give her the extra pressure of worrying about me.

However sitting in class taking a couple of painkillers this afternoon (just in case i decided to go to the gym, even though i spent 12 hours in london yesterday - mum's pedometer read 21,000 steps at the end!!), i sat there fighting the tears, wondering if anyone would notice if i took another 2 (extra/double strength) pain killers, and then another two...... i wondered if anyone would notice if i finished the last 8 in the packet....

I really can't do this. But i if leave the house (to go for a walk & bawl my eyes out) it will be too obvious. Guess i'll just have to wait until i go to bed. Which is at least 3 hours away..... I wish my appointment with J was sooner, not the 12th, I need some comfort, although i'm sure i'll still be just as fucked up & emotional in 10 days time.

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