Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Hot chocolate

All i wanted was a hot chocolate to comfort me as i cry.

I just wanted to curl up in bed, put friends on, cry & take a little comfort from a warm drink, even though the temperature of the air is rather warm.

I turned up to the gym an hour and a half early for my class, and then didn't really get into the class when it finally happened.

I came home, stressed over the silly little thing i needed to do. Car Insurance, research tyre prices, finishes thank you letters......but all i really wanted to do was sleep.

My dreams last night left me with that low feeling hanging over throughout the morning & the nights brain activity left me exhausted too.

But i had to be at an appointment with TP for 4.15pm - although before then i had to return a library book, drop some things off at the charity shop &go to (stand in a long queue) at the post office.

TP was very interested in my dreams - The teacher who dropped everything so we could catch up, ignoring the headmaster & whole school she was supposed to address in assembly. She grabbed my hand and we ran off laughing. It felt safe but i woke up feeling sad because those safe feelings were not a reality.
The other dream I was having some kind of psychotic episode, seeing people & birds in the house. Yet they weren't really there. No-one else could see them & mum was telling me i was making things up.

I suppose TP made some sense when he talked about the dreams but they are not exactly too strange to try and interpret. I felt so angry when i left him & when i got in the car the tears came as normal. If the appointment hadn't been later in the day and i hadn't had another gym class at 6.15pm i don't doubt more serious damage that a few bite marks & a dead leg, would have been done. I just felt so angry, partly because i felt i'd let him in too much, like i was letting him win. But again is was just a surge of overwhelming emotion too.

Fortunately the class at the gym was a very high tempo class (constantly at about 140bpm if not more!) and i threw everything i had into it.

I arrived home, talked to mum & D about the tennis - to be asked "Have you done anything except watch the telly?"

Fuck you mum. Just because i don't work doesn't mean i watch TV all day.

And now the sodding kettle has broken so i've lost that little comfort that helps me get a smoother nights sleep.

Saturday, 26 June 2010

Geting told off

Saturday morning, 8.30am, appointment with K.

It started well, and i confessed my sins (well most of them), discussing my gym addiction which she still doesn't seem to see as a totally bad thing and the ending of college which lead onto looking to the future and what it may hold.

Her view is that if i get offered more psychotherapy from TP then i should take it, but while i'm going through intensive psychotherapy, work is NOT an option. She praised me for taking the therapy on and got very angry when i tried to belittle it, as just someone else i was expected to talk to, which is how i feel everyone else sees it. But K has a completely different take and like i say she got quite angry, in fact i'm not sure i've seen her that cross before. Between us, i realised that she was the only one who saw how "very dangerous" psychotherapy potentially is to me. She really has set my head whirring today.

As i sat there the tears rolled down my face, a lot more than they have done in previous months.

She urged me to relook at the benefits i claim, because maybe i am entitled to more. Trouble is i don't feel entitled to what i get right now, and i'm not sure anyone else does either. I said to her that i can get in my car and go to the gym, so i should be able to go out and get a job too. But her stern & serious face said not.

So it all i got told off for:

  • "rubbishing" everything i do/achieve
  • rubbishing psychotherapy
  • thinking i'm not entitled to things
  • oh, and apologising when she said "now i should get on with the rest of my surgery"
But she ended on a positive, asking me to bring a couple of really photos back from my trip across the atlantic.

I feel kind of deflated being told those things, but the trouble is, i know that she probably knows me best out of all professionals and in fact anyone i know. I also know that she never says things lightly. She is a force to be reckoned with at that surgery & as much as the receptionists hate her sometimes for making their lives difficult, they also know she's bloody good at her job.

I know she wouldn't tell me to look into more benefits for no reason, she's not a soppy light touch and works extremely hard herself - sometimes i see her car parked outside the surgery from 8am until 8pm at night! She's hardly likely to encourage benefit scrounging now, is she??!!

Sunday, 20 June 2010

Fathers Day

K once asked me who i would rather have walk me down the aisle (theoretically) - without pausing i said D......

I feel guilty but the stress of dealing with how i feel or don't feel about my fathers outweighs the guilt feelings whenever i am in contact with him.

A current email asked me to go and stay with him, his wife & the kids for a long weekend at his villa in Spain in August...........i haven't seen him in years. Staying with people who are practically strangers in a foreign country, when i don't travel more than 10 miles from home (or at least not without either mum, D or to visit my grandparents) and only go to places i know (i.e gym, college & local shops) and especially with these particular people is a ridiculous idea.

Monday, 7 June 2010

Dear Brain....

Tonight i would like a night without Crazee Catchers or Plane Crashes.

Nor do i want any dreams regarding current stressful issues for example:

  1. Money/financial issues
  2. car insurance/MOT
  3. forthcoming holidays to far away lands
  4. exams for college courses
  5. Fatness
  6. exercise related injury
  7. jobs/careers (or lack of).....
You know what. A night with without any brain activity would be lovely.

Sunday, 6 June 2010

Never ending hunger

why won't it stop?

This is what haapens when i have a few days of full eating. I stayed at Nan's wednesday & thursday & ate 'normally' yesterday & now today i can't stop. I just feel so damn hungry constantly. trouble is, part of me is too tired to care.

i think i will have gained back what i lost when i see M tomorrow.

Nightmares that could come true

why on a sunday morning would i wake up and think "i really don't want to get up, i'll get out of my nice warm bed & go downstairs." ?

A vivid nightmare about being sectioned . Thats why. And the horrible thing is, unlike scary vampire/monster nightmare, i know deep down that if things go down hill that it could happen. However i hope that it would be quite like the nightmare & that it wouldn't be my Nan who called the Crazy Catchers on me!

Friday, 4 June 2010


I can't afford to live anymore. Not on the benefits i get. It seems i will have to forget making sure i'm totally healthy and mentally strong enough before i work and just hope for the best. I just have to pray my mental health will hold out and not crash as with every other job or slight pressure its had applied onto it.

The first big problem is What Would I Do??!!

A sales assistant in a shop involves being in front of people for far too long. Being stuck in an office not being about to get up and leave wouldn't work right now. I don't think i'd last to the end of the day without bursting into tears.

Not only that though What do i have the qualifications for?

Answer to that is very little. GCSEs don't get you very far theses days. My work with the horses never involved any formal qualifications so i have nothing to show there, and getting references is not possible. The current course won't gain me much either.

I really don't know what to do.

There is another option.....

Give up. Stop trying.

Its not like i spend a great deal of money anyway, so i don't know why i'm struggling. Petrol, gifts for others & house keeping to mum. I think trying to pay off this debt to mum is probably the big thing. There's £650 left on the spreadsheet. But without dipping into my one and lony savings account which i might have to do anyway soon, i'm just going to keep having to chip away at it slowly. However in August the £100 a month will be starting and added on again.

All this bearing in mind that i receive £300 a month in total. Plus this month the car in due and MOT, it also sounds like it needs a new exhaust (i'm driving round embarrassingly like a 'girl' racer right now), plus there's the insurance (around £400 judging by last year). With £125 left in my bank account right now.

Its just another stress that feels like its about to drive me deeper into depression that i'm fighting to keep out of as it is. It's another vicious circle.

The fact i am struggling financially makes me wonder if i'm doing to much to justify claiming benefits. But what do i feel comfortable doing right now? Going to the gym. Thats is. Thats the only thing. And that was paid for with the remaining money in a savings account that i had transfered the majority out of. I paid a year in full so its not like thats where money is going each month. The increase in petrol prices is bascically what it is. In the last 2 weeks i've spent £75 on petrol. Now i have done 2 long (both about 90 miles each way) drives - one to help at a charity thing (& back) & the yesterday to Nan's (& back).

Other than that i drive to college or the gym. I don't buy new clothes very often at all (last shirt was bought was in the 1st week of April), the only other clothes mum has paid for and again thats not many (one pair of shorts this last week).

As for shoes - the last pair i bought was when we were at Nan's around Christmas time & they were in the sale!!

I have had one expense very recently - a new ipod nano, but i have waited until my 5 year old very heavy & very chunky classic ipod stopped working completely!

Right now I'm sat inside and other than putting my bedding on the line (again being caught out by monthlies meant it had to be done) i have stayed inside despite the very hot sunny weather, hiding and giving myself a head ache with all the things going round in my head.

I think i need to shower & de-sweat but doing the shopping as i promised mum i would (D's meeting me to pay for it at the end), i contemplated the 7 mile walk there but after 2 hard classes (LBT & Step) and in this heat, i think i might for get that, especially as my knees and hips were screaming in pain and have been since tuesday night. I think short runs over the weekend - if any at all.

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