Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Moment of weakness strength

One mini christmas cake. Done. (As Gordon Ramsay would say)


As above, just without the icing (or marzipan under the icing), the marmalade sticking the marzipan to the cake or the dried cranberries. My chosen specimen (i think i'm in denial that its food that i've eaten food now) was smaller than this one, about an inch high and 3 inches across. I was experimenting with different tins and dishes when i made them. The best 3 were iced, decorated and given as gifts to family and their friends.

Why am i not freaking out or wanting to binge and have another one? Because the nausea is still lingering in the background, the dizziness is confining me to the sofa and soon i think i maybe just have to give in and sleep, or at least close my eyes. My co-ordination is all out, i'm not sure i could touch my own nose with my index finger right now.



What was the wake-up call today? It could have been seeing myself in the mirror in the changing room at Next, where amazingly 3 out of the 7 items i tried on, i then bought! Admitedly one of them is a tight fitting top and would look a whole lot better if i had some sort of shape and figure, instead of being as straight as a ruler. Or maybe it was the fact that after an hour in town i was becoming unsure as to how much longer i was going to remain on my feet, as had visions of my friend who's a Paramedic in the area being called to scrape me off the pavement. My last stop was Sainsburys, where halfway round i sampled a mouthful of iced doughnut, by then the worry of falling down made this mouth non-existant. With half hour left on the carpark, a sit down in the cafe was certainly needed before attempting to drive home. I queued with my Pepsi Max (i've never drunk full sugar fizzy drinks, and probably never will) eyeing up the snack options to combat the possibility of imminent collapse; Teacake? Mincepie? Slice of carrot cake? No? Ok, well what about a banana? Are you going to have anything at all??!! Hmmmm, ok i'll compromise on with apple.

What i realised as i sat down was that it was 1pm and so far i'm had 1 mushroom with a teaspoon of picalilli, one with extra light mayo and the sample mouthful of donut. Maybe thats another reason i'm not freaking over the cake, because basically all i've eaten is an apple and not a very large one at that. However ED is telling me that my donut sample was probably worth the same in calories as the apple! And whats more i had initially planned to have a plain slice of my homemade bread because i know i can manage bread despite the nausea, so i got one out of the freezer before i then decided on the fruit cake, so although genuinly feeling full right now, before 5.30pm when the rest of the house is due home, i have a slice of bread to get through.

Right now I'd even go as far as to say i'm considering anti depressants when i see my GP next monday, in the hope that it would decrease my anxiety over what i'm eating. But then we all know how fickle my mood is and monday is 6 days away, which when your mood changes by the hour, makes 6 days contain a possible 144 changes in mood. What are the chances of being back in this pattern of thought in 144 hours time?

Sunday, 28 December 2008

Who's running this show?!

I don't know which part of my brain is in control right now. It seems to have changed from ED being in control with sensible fighting through, to sensible side living day to day life with ED controlling my thought processes and shouting at sensible because it hates what sensible is doing.

Sensible keeps snacking and picking at things getting extra calories here and there where it can. Unsurprisingly ED doesn't like this and is trying to limit as much as possible. ED then shows its anger in the form of an elastic band which has now left a series of red lines around my lower leg....

why can't i control sensible and stick to just 3 meals a day without snacking? I mean i know that ED is going to get very angry, yet i still let sensible pick the raisins (the few that remain) out of the tub of fruit and nuts. I was thinking of replacing said raisins to hide my disgusting habit, but i don't think i can guarantee how many i will consume in the process and i really don't want to get so angry as to let ED then decide i deserve a more lasting pain than the snap of a rubber band.

Even a snack of a gherkin or an extra clementine makes ED furious. It seems its all or nothing. So tomorrow its nothing. I'm not sure i will be able to keep sensible in line so I'm going to give up trying. ED you are free to rule tomorrow, you have requested nothing until 7pm and i will try and let you have it that way. Because to be honest no food all day is nothing compared to the destructiveness i feel towards myself overall.

I don't know whether its just the stress of the festive season or whether after a brief interlude in "okayness" i have fallen back down into the black hole. I expect it is mainly self disgust at having eaten far more than i feel i should have over the last 4 days, including eating out, eating 3 meals a day, snacking, picking at cakes and sweets, not checking drinks in the pub before you start drinking them. Even a couple of 2 hour walks don't sem to balance things out. All i can hope for is that stress has worked in my favour (or rather ED's favour) when it comes to my weight. By now though i'm to afraid to get back on the scales for fear of what will appear on the screen between my feet, once i've managed to move my gaze past my bloated stomach

but right now i feel angry towards mum because i feel like she is keeping me alive, well, I'm keeping myself alive for her. I know I'd devastate her if i even tried again (after all its been 2 and a half years since that last attempt after years of attempts almost monthly) but i want out. This isn't a life, this is now a punishment for my life so far and all my misdemeanours. I feel like i want to be set free from the prison that is my mind, my personality - myself. I'm tired of refereeing between ED and sensible, just like previously i was between SI and sensible. I want to live without hatred, without conflict and without anger.

Right now i'm not sure this will ever be possible.


By brain is jumping between so many places tonight i have no idea if this reads well or not but i'm tired and frankly i don't care anymore, well, not for tonight at least.

Wednesday, 24 December 2008

Making use of those festive nightmares

What could be more daunting for an anoreixc at christmas? Tins of chocolates, biscuits, cakes and other high calorie "treats"? Eating out? Or simply the fact that the rest of the family are off work, watching what goes into (or rather doesn't) your mouth, so your can't restrict as you normally would.

So tonight, or in fact the whole of today, i found some strength (well, most of the time) and decided to fight the demons.

"Screw you ED! (but don't worry i see you again in 4 days time...shhh just don't tell anyone)"

After eating an almost normal breakfast, the eating out a large lunch (well large for me, normal for most others), re-icing 3 mini cakes (and not throwing away all the old icing or the offcuts...) and still having dinner (holding back slightly), In the last half hour i've consumed more calories on snacks than i normally have for breakfast and lunch recently (and probably will do again in 4 days time). I know my brain is so screwed by my lack of weight and nutrition, so tonight i went with the theory that maybe weight gain is what is needed for my brain to see some sense.

But now the fear, anger and upset is setting in. I've banished myself to bed for the night, shut away, so i can cry to my hearts content because i feel so disgusted with myself and carry on debating and fighting with myself over whether or not to self harm to release some of the anger i'm feeling right now.

One minute i think i'm ok, then i'm swallowed up by the desire to keep my weight down again. Maybe the focus of self harm will take way the focus on the reality of what i've eaten and am disappointed in myself for. No, disappointed really is the wrong word. Disgust is definately what i feel.

Oh how i wish i'd got those sleeping tablets prescribed now. To just be able to go to sleep without lying awake thinking about the day past and fearing the day ahead.

My mind says tomorrow "have more control. stick to 3 meals no snacks, normal(ish) eating. No icing, no chocolate, no cereal bars. - Oh and you still deserve to be punished for todays antics!"

#I don't want a lot for christmas;
there is just one thing i need...#
Yes! - A BRAIN TRANSPLANT!!!

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

So i saw my nurse today. she agreed to give the 'No weigh' approach a go. she asked me if i would know if i was losing or gaining, i said i would from my clothes, she said she didn't think she would be able to tell by looking at me. anyway i banished my scales to the bottom of my wardrboe under piles of things and there's so much stuff on my floor it's almost impossible to get the doors of the wardrobe open as well!

I was honest with mum and told her the rough plan of action. as ever with the "helpful" comments her first remark about the scales was "how long are they going to stay there for?!" as if to say 'you won't last 24 hours'.... Yes, i'm scared sh1tless. but tomorrow i want to start 2009 early. a new day, a new week, a new month, a new year.

Thats the theory anyway. Will i stick with my intentions of getting back to 3 meals a day? to be honest even if they aren't true meals and what a normal person would class as a meal i don't care right now. i just need to get some structure back and have 3 set times for eating. dinner is no problem as mum and D are around but brekkie and lunch........ As for the content of my meals i don't know if the no weigh approach is going to worry me too much that i will restrict more. guess there's only one way to find out.

D's going out tomorrow night. i have been trying to for somewhere for mum and i to go. i really want to try and eat out and show her i'm trying.

i don't want to try. i'd quite happily keep losing weight but with a BMI of (not sure if i should say) i know physically i can't afford to but my head is so screwed up because i've not collapsed fainted etc etc part of my brain says i'm ok to keep losing.

M (my nurse) was right. when you are out of the food environment/situation its so easy to sit and talk rationally about it all, yet as soon as you're in the kitchen or its a meal time etc that rationality vanishes. as long as i don't lose control like the cereal bar incident the other day i don't care. i really don't want to go from anorexia to bulimia.

i guess a big reason i'm scared is because with out the ED i'm nothing. i have nothing. just depression. i suppose the ED takes the focus off the depression in a way. i don't really remember a time when i wasn't self harming, depressed or suicidal, so i guess i don't know what there will be without that. but with no job or friends then there's not much really.
i kind of feel right now that i have 4 reasons for living, aged 81, 79, 52 and 49 (diabetic with shorter life expectancy) and i feel like once those reasons are gone there really will be nothing, but it almost feels like i will be free and a pressure will be lifted because then i will have no more ties to life. Basically i'm living just waiting for the day to come when i can die. ridiculous really as that probably won't be for another 30 years! and with so much having happened in the last 10 years goodness knows what will ocur in the next 30! you never know i may be married with kids by then. certainly doesn't seem that likely right now but you never know.

anyway i'm starting to stress over having eating far more today than the previous days, i'm about to start crying, i'm tired and when i'm tired i get so emotional. perhaps i need to think about some kind of sleeping aid again. *sigh*

Thursday, 11 December 2008

That Downwards Spiral

5 weeks since my last post - kind of says it all really. I'm on that helter skelter, going round and round and down and down. But like the Helter Skelter on Brighton pier (which is on the edge of the pier and overlooks the sea) i'm not really enjoying it. Part of me is - the ED. It couldn't be happier that i'm losing weight and would quite happily continue. However my physical body is exhausted and so is my sensible brain. My body isn't sure how much longer it can carry on, it's fighting a cold which i've had for about 10 days now, the lack of muscle tissue is starting to show again and of course there the thoughts of osteoperosis and infertility as per usual. Its been over 2 years now since my body showed feminine ways and i know the longer that goes on, the worse the prospects are. Although its hard to be concerned about that when you don't even have any friends, let alone boyfriends, partners or husbands then having children really doesn't become a priority. I have been thinking about why i'm wanting to lose more weight and what i can do to find the motivation and inspiration to gain weight, or a least find a reason to stop losing weight. Health implication obviously don't work. My lack of respect for myself (which reason came out yesterday during a day of major struggles) make long term health implications seems completely pointless. Family - well i'm alive so my ED sees no issues there, sure i don't like fading before their eyes but compared to previous years, i'm not hospitalised, having blood transfusions etc etc. Although apparently my grandfather is convinced i'm seriously ill again (not just the ED) and thats why we're not going down to the until the 27th and not on Xmas day. I think thats also something that doesn't help - the fact that my family doesn't see me as seriously ill. In anorexia terms i have a BMI of 13.9 and should probably be hospitalised. I know my ED nurse has told me previously that you'd barely be allowed off bed rest if I were an inpatient at this rate! And so to my ED Nurse, M. She's lovely, kind, gentle and covers a huge area of about 3 counties all on her own. I don't look forwards to seeing her at all these days, and i think her weighing me each week is actually fueling my drive to lose more weight. ED is telling me i should be losing more weight, after all i'm seeing an ED nurse so there for i should have an ED and to the ED gaining weight means you don't have anorexia. So i wonder if she stops weighing me whether that pressure of having someone know that my weight is going up or at the other end of the scale (no pun intended!) whether i won't feel i have to lose more weigh to prove i'm still anorexic. I've found a blog thats feels very relevant recently by Lola Snow, called Marine Snow. she is currently experiencing one of my reasons for not going back on meds - side effects. Now i know not everyone experiences them but it just adds to my list of reasons and strengths the Anti meds side of the list. Well i've run out of mental steam, maybe i'll find some again soon. At least now i can actually function rather than just curl up in a ball and sleep through the worst of the depression.

 
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