Sorry

Sorry I lied
Sorry I deceived
Sorry I brokes the rules.

Sorry I disappointed you
Sorry I caused problems,
Yet again.

I'm sorry for my actions
But I can't be sorry for the way I feel.

I can be responsible,
Regretful,  remorseful.
But I can't control, the intrusive thoughts.

I want to move forwards
But I also want to go back.

Back to the "chilled out",
To the relaxed, the happy,
The confident and strong.

He's taken my strength for now
But I know you are right
When you say I can't let him keep it.

I need to fight - not only the thoughts and feelings
But to regain control.

Control over my thoughts,
My actions,
My emotions,
My responses.

I don't think I'm reading too much into it,
To me, your comment meant a lot.
Unexpected but so meaningful
And said so genuinely.

It's something no one ever voiced so directly.
That's what I'm holding onto,
For now.

An answer to her question

I was asked today if I want to stop doing the damage to myself that I've done in the last 10 days. I've lashed out so much. To go with the severe bruising to my arm which I ended up getting xrayed, there's now the 2 injuries that needed suturing which I did on the same day. The 2nd resulting in another trip to the minor injuries unit, where I was seen by the same nurse. Fortunately I was allowed to be patched up and leave which was all I was asking for.

I still can't open a door or lift anything heavy and the bruising is still quite apparent.  Its still keeping me awake at night too. I should have realised I'd lost control when I came home to see J and the shock on her face.  Sad really that I have to use the reaction of a nurse who has seen me at my worst, to gauge whether what I've done is worse than usual.  It shows me that I can't see what is really going on at the moment. I just feel like I've lost track of what I'm doing. Almost lost control.

Yet again I couldn't say that I want to stop. I told her how at the moment it is the fear of being without that coping mechanism.  I don't want to feel like this.  I don't want to feel like I'm clinging on. But I still can't say I want to stop.  It's like it's become part of my identity again and I don't know who I am without self harm.

I feel fine and safe and secure and almost reasonably relaxed while I'm shut in a room with the various people for meetings but when they are over and I'm back on my own life just feels overwhelming. How did it become like this again?  I saw one person a week for support and generally only my mentor for academic stuff when we were in lectures, yet the last few weeks I seem to be seeing one person per day. I never had any contact with out of hours support,  now I'm wishing I felt able to call every evening,  except that really is just taking advantage of help I feel. 

I'm not sure I have what it takes to do this career.  Too many flaws in my personality and character have resurfaced. I thought I'd moved on from them.  I thought I'd left behind the girl with attachment issues and the screwed up thinking.  It seems she's back. I find myself clingy and being conscious of what I say or do in case it shows. The temptation tonight to cause damage and harm to myself to express the distress in my head - to show people that it's really not ok. Those around me here who know the full details have seen it I think. But to get mum to realise?  Is that where I need to go? Will she not realise how much this has knocked me down unless I end up in hospital?

I don't want to go there and I thought the worst of the damage and harm was done but there's still that part of me that wants an easier route out of this.  That sensible part, that logical part that my mentor found so unbelievable is still clinging on. It's that part that despite being off my head on sedatives and alcohol and unaware what I was doing can still go to the library and get books out reasonably relevant to my course.  I don't remember any of it but the books and the receipt from 4.30am told me it happened.

I think what I want is for someone to take this all away from me. As much as these wonderful supportive people can be there for me, the decision is still mine. If I go too far and do something too dangerous and harmful,  there's that chance it will be taken out of my hands. The decision will be taken from me and I won't have to think anymore or have that weight on my shoulders.

But is that really what I want? Did I not come here to move on again in my life? I think my worry is that no matter how much I try I can't leave it behind,  which makes me question whether my career choice is right, despite none of these demons taking hold while I was at work.  Even when the patient came in who had self harmed,  yes it threw me for a bit but the next day was a new day and it didn't have a hold on me.  Where did my mental strength go to?  How have I ended up in this spiral and circle that has trapped me once again?

Do I want to stop harming?  I just can't say yes right now and once again I can't see my life without it.

Making a Mess

I wish someone could clean up the mess i've made. At 2am though its either me or a 15 minute drive in a car that is frozen over.

I wish i could get someone to do it for me.  To take care of me but i can't let it show either.  The paperwork trail is too dangerous as well.

If someone would do it for me anonymously with no stress, where i could just relax with no fear of repercussions.

But if i sleep now the mess will be worse when i wake up - and i'll have to set my alarm for 4 hours time rather than the 5 it is currently set for.

One day i'd love to provide this service to someone else - although they might still have to defrost their cars during winter.

Seeking Help to Maintain Sanity

I went to see an adviser today, who was suggested to me.   He was a slightly off the wall character but he had that air about him that made me feel reasonably safe and pretty sure that he had experienced mental health issues himself, which is what i had been told by my referrer.

He was quite relaxed about the whole thing and nothing i said seemed to phase him or worry him. He asked me if i had harmed. As usual i hate lying. With no details divulged i said yes.  "I have a student who self harms every day" he told me.  Was i supposed to be shocked, jealous, amazed? I don't know Was i supposed to try and compete with that?  Did he tell me to try and get more information out of me? By telling me they were still allowed to do their course, was he trying to see if i'd relax more and open up?

I have no idea what the purpose was.

By the time we'd chatted for an hour i had the feeling i wanted to scream slightly and maybe i  was inside.  I wanted to telling him that he has no fucking idea what was going around in my head, of the things i want to do to myself and that the harm i did last night was nothing and that i could quite easily take the full box of 48 400mg ibuprofen i have or the collection of benzo's and other sedatives i have.  Even after the ones i have taken in the last 2 weeks to help me get through (which was my intended use, it was not for a planned misuse), i know the damage i could do and the power i hold locked away in my room. But i also know i don't really want to end it for good, however although i walked away last time "i just wanted to go to sleep for a bit" I was a) extremely luck physically and b) they probably have a better crisis team here so i may not escape to easily there either.

But i couldn't tell him that.  Despite him knowing that i had harmed recently, which he didn't seem bothered by, i still don't have anyone that i can tell the whole truth to.  It's been ok in recent years when my head has felt calm but now the stress and anxiety levels are up, and instead of settling seem to be rising further, I once again have the fear of speaking out against myself.

If they really knew....what goes on in my messed up mind, how i want to take all the stress, hate, anger, frustration and fear out on myself.....They will never let me move onto the second part of my course in 6 weeks time. So yet again i am left crying to myself because i cannot turn to anyone and even if i could no one can take away the thoughts inside my mind.

I have no clue right now how i am going to get through the next 2 years.  I came in full on confidence like a bull in a china shop with such determination, telling myself i could do this and now i'm left simply trying not to fail again.

Its also just occured to me of what the hell am i going to do when these sedatives run out? How the hell am i going to sleep at night.

Mr Adviser said he was unimportant at the uni "until the shit hits the fan" when he then became very important. I'm seeing him again in 2 weeks, just before occy health when my fear is that it will hit the fan.  He said occy health does ask him for advise sometimes and so maybe if i can keep my mouth shut in the next 2 weeks if they do ask him, it will all be ok.

Shame i can't just make my head stop for the next 2 weeks, or at least not without screwing up the best opportunity i have ever had.

A different location

I didn't realise how much this was going to affect me.  Or rather it is affecting me in a way I didn't expect.

I feel like the clock has been turned back 10 years.  I'm back in a hospital room.  It's the weekend and lots of the students have gone home.  Just like the good old days I'm one of the ones still here not going on weekend leave.

I wish I could recognise the difference.  This time I am not being held here. If only it felt like that.  Really not sure how I'm going to manage for a year. 

At least I know that harming doesn't mean I am automatically out.  I am struggling not to right now and even more so since I learnt the latter.  I must try not to see that as permission to do it though.

I want to let go and fall apart so much right now.

Nightmares of the future?

I had a nightmare last night that I was sectioned 6 days before I was due to start at university.  I was suicidal in  the dream and had been planning and thinking of every way to harm myself severely.  One of my gym instructors seemed to be in the role of my doctor and arranged for me to be sectioned because she knew what I was thinking and planning.  2 women came along with paperwork in their hands and even though I didn't put up a fight,  they restrained me. Pinning me to the floor apologising whilst I begged and said I'd go willingly.  Apparently it was for my own good.

Its been playing on my mind all day.  Is a week before when things are really going to fall apart?  Or does my brain just want the easy way out rather than having to deal with all this? Why does part of me still want that to happen?

3 weeks until the ultimate change

Yet again it's been a long time since I posted anything. However I now realise that certain things don't happen when you are busy all the time.   Leave for work at 7.15, work normal hours,  do overtime,  go to the gym and then come home eat and curl up on the sofa before repeating again the next day. Not only do blog posts not happen but neither does self harm - unless things get far too unbearable and the you make up some excuse and go in late. 

That happened for only the 2nd time in the whole 18 months I was there a couple of weeks ago.  I say 'was' because yesterday was my last day.  Quitting a job that you quite like and are good at (and is the longest job you've ever held down without breaking down! ) is one of the hardest things to do.   I have cried so much at work over the last two weeks.

But now that work is over I have a week in the middle of nowhere - literally- on a remote Scottish island and then two weeks to get myself fully organised snd try not to cry constantly over the fact that I'm moving out of home. As soon as I started to type that paragraph the tears started so I think that's an impossible task.

No matter how many people or how many times I am told that it will be good for me and I will be great at it etc etc it cannot take away the panic and fear that's in my mind.  Or that emotion that I can't explain to people that makes me cry so hard.

The trouble when i get back though during the final 2 weeks is that I will have that time despite the jobs that need doing and the people that need seeing, I will have that time to think and let my thoughts damage me. K wanted me to keep track of the harming no matter how big or small but when I am busy and tired I lose track. For two weeks I have the potential to harm and then have the time to tidy up, but if my future plans were to find out I could jeopardise it,  yet I don't think that's enough to stop me because if no one knows. ... It never happened.

No excuses

Theere are no excuses for my abscence.

I just haven't felt like blogging.

There still been plenty going on. Maybe there's been too much going on. I don't do very well with time management; My room is a tip, I haven't completed the extra bits on the volunteer project i've been doing, I haven't started the college (yes i'm attempting to study again)assignment i got monday (its now Friday), I'm trying to get fundraising bits sorted for my run (paper forms & cards with online sponsor page, just a T-shirts & the emailing round/publicity to do) - oh & i'm still trying to lose all the weight i gained over Christmas. Probably about half a stone, but its not just over eating at christmas, its huge lack of exercise due to illness too. So that flat tummy i worked so hard to gain has gone. But i need to be thinking about running really as i am extremely behind with training. So for now it will be running 4 days a week, yoga/pilates etc 4 times a week, a couple of my beloved classes on a sunday (although one of them is one of those 4 yogaish ones) and fridays i may do a weights class but taking it gently.
Except for half term & tutorial weeks when i get the chance to do classes with instructors i really miss doing classes with.

That kind of brings me onto why i've returned. The nightmare last night was that mixture of painful upsetting because it was comfort that i know will never happen & very distressing because it was dragging up some of the worst of the past. I can't recal the order of events but it included all of these points:

• M, an instructor i miss doing classes with rescuing me when my car broke down & i was very distressed & taking me back to her place


• Where my psych called me and told me i was going to be sectioned (It was my first adult services psych who couldn't really speak english & grabbed my arm & pushed up my sleeve to see my scars - funnily enough i always hated him) when i asked why it was due the arm band marks that mum had seen on my tummy - which apparently made me a danger to myself (WTF goes on in my head while i'm asleep?!)


• I told M it would be fine as i hadn't been harming, so i'd go but they had no grounds to section me.


• Except they did. horrible psych was there with another of my current instructors R who was trying to get him to see the benefits of the classes while he just said it was me damaging myself. There was another bloke in the room i was in too & i can't recall what but he doesn't have a positive feel attached to him - quite the opposite.


• Somewhere along the lines i was talking to someone at a yard who was telling me she had met me before when i'd had a car accident with a horse box, but i was sure that i had only had one serious incident which didn't involve anyone else (which is true). I felt all confused in the dream but kind of confused when i woke up too. Its like the dream was becoming reality and i couldn't separate the 2.


• There was something else too about getting ready for a party & getting the theme wrong & then we were at this restaurant & someone dropped the game of battleships & mum & i were trying to find all the little pieces. All though there were no familiar faces other than mum, it still didn't feel like a happy dream. like there was something underlying which still makes me want to wake up & cry.

Which is pretty much what i did - well on the car on the way here, to college. Is it a bit risky blogging from college? That does seem to be a big theme with me right now - Apathy. I couldn't give a shit about anything. Its taken me a month to start stressing about the weight gain - stressing to the point of harming at least and even then i couldn't be bothered to do that damage i felt i wanted too.

Anyway in 7 minutes i need to be in class where we are giving indvidual presentation - just what i need!

I don't know what i'm thinking anymore.

Saw K today & left feeling worse than i did before i went in. I knew i should have left when time was getting tight, although i did still manage to make it to the gym on time for evening classes. Thank goodness i had combat after LBT, i had so much agression to let out, although i didn't manage to make it out of the studio before i started crying.

I also left K with a prescription for Carbamazepine, a low dose & only a 2 week supply. She asked me if i was likely to take the lot & right now i don't see the fucking point in anything, all my head is saying is "why not?"

I wouldn't show her my stomach which is probably the first time i've kept that back from her, but despite needing to stick myself back together with tape at least once a week at the moment, the damage there felt insignificant & i almost felt embarrassed to show her because it was so pathetic. Although i know if i hadn't taped the wounds back closed it would have been a different story & i also know that had i gone to see anyone about them to get treatment it would have been sutures. I;ve just gotten lazy & would rather it take a few more days to heal & stop bleeding completely than go through the effort of suturing right now. I just can't be bothered.

She asked me if i'd seen M & what her thoughts were & how she was. I questioned whether M had called her which i know she has done in the past when she has been concerned, but clearly M isn't that worried as K said she hadn't called. I said M was concerned that my weight was dropping. To which K said "Well you had got a bit chubby" i am now making sure that comment stays lodged in my head, afterall what else could be such great motivation to get me to move my arse at the gym & cut out any unnesseccary food? My BMI is now 20.5, so getting there but the chubby waist & stomach still need work. Why is it you lose weight from certain places first - for me its my chest/breasts and face, never the stomach, hips or thighs.

Starting college, getting this job on wednesday all seem pointless & like no hope. Mum & D go away friday for the weekend, in my head right now this would give me chance to do damage i want without being worried about being found out, i just worry i;m not in control enough not to go too far. I think this week is going to be a little risky, but nothing can go wrong before friday, otherwise mum won't get her weekend away.

I'm not seeing M until next tuesday - thats 7 days. I have 19 classes booked at the gym. Thats 19 hours to get rid of some of this weight, the stress of a meeting about benefits & also the job interview should shed some weight too hopefully.

Right now i want to cause damage, i need to cause damage. I want to give up, i;ve had enough.

But i still can't hurt mum or nan.

I don't know what i want at the moment. I don't see a future. It is purely day to day. I get up throw myself at the gym & exhaust myself. In the last 9 days i have done 22 classes plus a 15 minute run plus exercise walking at the stables of about 4 hours in that time.

I'm going to try & cut back in the next week. Either i've exhausted myself or i'm anaemic again, either way the blood test J took yesterday will tell. I booked the appointment friday evening, as i drove home from the supermarket i could feel panic overwhelming me, the dizzyness was stronger & i just felt desperate. I think it was more psychological than physiological friday evening, so i was glad that as i was asking the new-ish receptionist for an appointment with J, E came out and when i replied to her question that i wasn't ok & the tears starting rolling down my face, whilst holding onto my hand over the counter, telling me how well i'd been doing, she told the new girl to unblock a certain reserved appointment (probably an emergency slot that would open up on the morning of that day) so that i could see J straight after the weekend.

Part of me wished E hadn't taken my hand because i wanted more comfort, just like when i collapsed into the ex-bosses arms when i saw him & he had crept up behind me giving me a shoulder massage. My mind flew back 10 years when she had given me a hug, before i crossed the line & got too attached. Although of all the staff she is still the one who will reach out & give me some physical reassurance.

I feel frustrated. frustrated that i don't know what i want. Angry that government organisations won't give me the answers i need. Angry that part of me doesn't want to accept help & is almost happy for things to stay this way, with me harming myself & losing weight, angry because i know i should want to be normal without appointment & the need for help. Yet frustrated that i can't lose control & cause the damage i want to for fear of upsetting my family. Part of me wishes that the cut catch a blood vessel & don't stop bleeding like a few years back, so that i have to try & get myself to the surgery to pray that J & K can stop it, but knowing at the same time that then they know whats really going on in my head.

I think thats the problem, i still feel that if the damage doesn't show physically then no-one will really understand whats going on in my head.

No-one can see the images i see - reliving the past, the damage i caused, the incidents that happened, the stress of being chased my police after absconding, sleeping in a church yard over night when i was on a section 3 and should have been on the ward. No-one can see the thoughts i have, the things i really want to do. How i want to damage my arms, expect if i started wearing long sleeves again now, especially when i go to the gym constantly - it would be too obvious.

I need to go to bed. i can feel that crying myself to sleep is the only way to release this tonight & i know as soon as my head hits the pillow, if not before, the tears will be falling.

Exercise overload

I've just booked a few (for few, read 5) classes at the gym for a week tomorrow. I had a count up my planner at the same time. I have 17 hours of classes booked in the next 7 days. Its got a bit out of control. The caffeine addiction will well and truely set in by the end of this week, if it isn't already.

That 17 hours doesn't include 4 hours of volunteering with horses, a rare night out on friday with gym buddies, walking into town (staying there to save petrol between gym & volunteering) to go to the bank & PO or helping a gym buddy out for about 3 hours with a project.

The thing is my body just keeps going, i never collapse with exhaustion, despite a restricted calorie diet. WTF is wrong with me?

I know 1 thing that is - my knuckles are still broken.... every so often i try & grip something and i can feel it. I can feel the lumps on the back of my hand & knuckles too. Mum grabbed my hand today while we were messing around & ouch, yes there is certainly a problem. However i can use it enough for the gym though so thats ok!

Hiding the damage

I made it to the gym, however i then proceeded to hit the boxing trainer harder & harder. I am now trying to keep my purple & blue knuckles hidden from view. The physio noticed straight away so I've tried to cover them with camoflage make up & mum's foundation - but i think i have actually managed to pop a blood vessel in the left hand, as its not just my knuckles its the whole of the back of my hand that is blue & there was certainly a huge lump over the vessel after i'd done it. If mum has noticed she hasn't said anything yet. I think the big problem is going to be trying to cook dinner.

I hate to say it but i'm disappointed there's nothing broken. The pain has reduced, Mr physio had a quick check too and i have enough movement there. I was going to go & see J, but the surgery was closed for training this afternoon and by the time i'd been to physio they felt better, so there was no point. I know there was a point with regards to how it happened - the fact that i chose not to wear my gloves & then pound my fists for two 10 minutes sessions, feeling the pain as i went. But thats not a good enough reason.

I want to keep going & smash my fists up even more but we're going to the theatre with Nan on saturday & i'm probably going to struggle to hide the current bruising from her.

If anyone asks my story is that i simply forgot my gloves and only noticed the marks on my hands after. And i'm sticking to it.

Ooops & Ouch

Its been a long time since i've ridden a horse and also riding with damage to my stomach. Must remember that carrying saddles & dismounting involves a lot of contact with the stomach!

Having said that walk, trot & canter was lovely! A free ride, for helping out in the snow. Good deeds pay off. Good boost to the confidence too.

But 3 hours at the yard & yesterday evenings emotional breakdown left me shattered, so much so that i slept for an hour and 20 mins this afternoon.

However tomorrow morning i am supposed to be running for that length of time! Eek!

Eating

Dietician in London wants me to eat 1600 a day, keeping it the same each day & eating the majority before evening -maximum of 600 for dinner/evening.

Eating earlier means i am just left hungry later on still. When i was restricting in the mornings more at least i knew what i could allow myself later on. But now - today especially - i have 300 calories left of that allowance and it not even 6pm.

There has been punches thrown but i really felt like doing a lot worse to myself. Trouble is i have almost finished an application to Uni (i know, what AM i thinking?!) but they way my harming is, i can't risk being found out. Harming for me is never superficial anymore, it hasn't been for years. But if something goes wrong...... I just can't risk a disaster - more for the Uni course - i can't risk occy health failing me. I really want take it out on my arms but that is just unacceptable.

But i can't cope with this.

It seems K doesn't really understand, which only leaves M. At least K agrees that going to the CPA and facing Dr L & TP would cause unnecessary distress. But she doesn't seem to understand the food thing. I mentioned that i couldn't live my life on 1000 calories a day - to which she replied some girls do. But K, are they girl who are also trying to train for a marathon?!

She just seemed to imply that this was just a normal girly thing - yes maybe - but surely its a bit different for someone who had a BMI of 12 less than 2 years ago?

I'm dreading the weigh in with M tomorrow, i'm sure after 7 days on 1600 (and a weekend over that because weekend are shit, oh & today which i have also spent in my PJs crying) that i will have gained, which means i dread to think what will happen after a month like this, not that i'm sure i will be able to keep it up.

I just wish i could find a job or rather be accepted for a job & life could be normal. The longer i'm in this hole the more i feel i'm being dragged backwards. And i'm losing the will to fight it again.

Cancellation Time

I am finally, after about 8 sessions, going to pluck up courage and cancel an appointment with TP. I think i have finally reached my limits. After last sessions loss of time and the response (or lack of) that i got about that issue this week has made me decide to put a stop. Seems kind of silly as it is the final assessment session before a shared meeting between me, mum, D, TP & Dr L (which i am not totally intending to attend, although as far as i know no-one's officially told us of this meeting), in 3 weeks time.

Anyway after last week, all the previous outbursts after sessions & then his comments saying he wasn't sure whether the sessions were the right thing for me & his questioning of whether i wanted to turn up for the final session - I've decided, after having bought something to stop the tears and regain control that i'm not going to let them control me - any of them. I don't want to do sessions for mum anymore.

I don't care about damage right now. I'm angry at TP for not telling me much about what went on last week, but i want to scream and shout at the top of my lungs how awful i feel. But i can't do that without upsetting or worrying others, so it will have to be our little secret.

I still feel bad about not wanting my life, but sat there today i wanted it even less. Alone in that room with him i could be honest, i didn't have to pretend which meant i could let go, but back in the real world i came home to find D already home, which meant i had to grab some things out of my room and leave the house, but with no appointments with the nurse and very little first aid kit left..............oh it turned into a failed (mini) mess. There's always tomorrow though - when i will NOT fail.

Tablets

As you may be able to tell from the title, it's not happy things in Susie's world right now. So if you are of a nervous (or too caring/a worrier) disposition then i suggest you read no further. And please no comments of go to hospital, just in case - because ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

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*****
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(isn't that pretty)

I'm falling, fast. Or rather i think i've fallen. 3 x 3 stitches in the last week. Lots of punching and hitting (not a lot else you can do whilst driving and trying to make your way home without crashing the car as in 2005).

I admitted to M today that the last 2 nights i've downed a handful of ibruprofen (with no affect i might add) and for some reason i feel the urge to do it again. I can't tell you why. That i do not know. All i know is the dissociation is getting worse. Monday whilst driving, Tuesday morning which sitting at home and worst episode was during psychotherapy session with TP.

Of that i recall very little other than the tunnel vision, bright lights and a dog barking, which is interesting because its in a building where that is a long way off the high street with a dental surgery in front and a car park behind. In all my years of going there, which is about 6 now - i have never heard any noise from outside the building. I was brought back to life by TP's next patient outside the door saying something about her car and needing to be there at quarter past the hour. I started to think that he had doubled booked. My appointment was at 3.10pm and i thought that it must be about 3.30pm which was why she was getting stressed because at 4.15pm she had to sort her car out.

No - it seems it was 4.10pm already and i'd been there an hour not 15 minutes as i thought. My thoughts about it now?

Oh Shit what did i say in that hour?
What the hell did i tell him?
How much information have i divulged that i really didn't mean to?

Perhaps thats why another handful of tablets seems insignificant. I want to escape this even more than my brain is already trying to help me do.

What i don't want to do is have mum find me again & end up in hospital with her thinking she's watch me die. I don't want to go to Shitty Ward either.

But hugs aren't enough to soothe things i've found. I was praying it would be. I thought that all i needed was a pair of safe arms to cry into. I've found those safe arms, which i'm probably just clinging onto because i feel so vulnerable right now, but yesterday it wasn't enough comfort. Today it felt better but there were other people around. I don't get sympathy off of Mrs A but i think thats a good thing, however she is happy to put her arm round me - which then caused me to cry further. There is someone else, another T, who i would willing go to for comfort right now, but she is almost 6 months pregnant and its not been straight forwards for her, so i can't put anything on her right now. But i think i would get the comfort. I need to learn that it isn't going to save me though.

Having said all of the above - want to hear something really funny? I've just redone my CV and written a covering letter. I'm applying for a job!

Ha Ha Ha!

There's nothing else you can say to that really.

Grounding

my thoughts are slipping away from me and the black clouds are creeping in. I cried so much yesterday that i barely shed a tear when i saw J 45 minutes ago.

Yesterday is a blur of tears, clouded over by mold dissociation where i struggled to focus to drive to the gym at the end of the day, with the only control over my mind being brought about by harm. When that amount of damage doesn't hurt, i know it's time to be concerned.

Today is clear and i feel awake but totally numb, the tears shed this afternoon are nothing in comparison to yesterday.

I'm not sure which is preferable - the severe distress of yesterday or the numbness of today.

The words i spoke to J felt cold and rational, in total contradiction to the content of those sentences about losing control & nose diving in mood. Even talking to her couldn't bring me back to normality or find me some comfort. Another sign i need to watch out.




I think i kept it inside for too long. Holding things together & keeping them to yourself doesn't protect people in the long run.

Touchy feely

Of all the problems that would cause me stress on this holiday i didn't expect this one. The thing thats stressing me out the most right now, is my Nan. I feel really bad & guilty for saying this, but she's just so touchy feely huggy all the time and i just want to yell "back off!". she picked up that somethings was wrong today, i think i was just acting very cold, but i fobbed her off with the tired story. After a long flight & late nights i think she bought it.

We went shopping in this old boutique town today, and the family wanted to buy me stuff. Again i feel bad but i don't want anything. I don't wear jewellery and i don't like wasting people's money.

I keep getting the comments about how good i look - the last time i saw some of them i had a BMI of around 12. But good to me doesn't mean good - good means fat.

and now i can feel the tears building up, especially having recieved an email from mum who is making her way across the country with D. But i can't let them show yet - thats saved for when my head hits the pillow, when i'm all alone. I just have to make sure i wipe my dry salty eyes before i see anyone the next morning.

I wish i could deal with it by restricting, and although i don't think i'm going OTT with food, i wish i could eat less. I also wish i could attack this fat belly of mine with something sharp, but thats not going to happen either.

Which means it will all just build up for when i get home. No worries about Nan getting too close and clingy tomorrow though, as i am off with mum's cousin & her son to pick up her daughter from the airport, which means a 2 hour drive - but what else am i going to do for the day?

BBC - "Self-harmers 'not receiving help needed', says report"

Another news story where i feel like saying:

1. "Have you only just realised this??!!"
2. "So what's new?"
3. "Does this mean you will do something about it now?" (to which the reply is probably "no")

A quote from Lord John Alderdice, a Consultant psychiatrist is one that reminds me how lucky i am to have my GP

"This situation is unacceptable by any reasonable standard. Lives may be at stake"

When i my life has been at stake, i have turned to those closest to home & those i trust first, my GP & the surgery down the road. The have been the ones to call the ambulances and get me to hospital. I don't know whether it does make a difference, or whether again i have just been very lucky, but when i have then arrived at A&E i have never heard or been on the recieving end of any bad treatment.

Another quote from the recent article from the BBC says that,

"The survey also suggests accident and emergency departments fare worse."

In my opinion the staff at my GP surgery have got to know me, many of them since about 2000, and they have seen me at times other than when i have needed patching up or shipping off to A&E when they couldn't deal with my injuries. They have got to know me personally, where as staff at A&E i have generally just seen the once, all they see if the harm and the distress, they don't get to see the person behind that. In my area i believe the same to be true about the Walk in Centre where as at my smaller Minor Injuries Unit (run by 3 staff and 1 receptionist) i have got to know them over the years, as the main senior nurses there haven't changed (unlike the conveyor belt of staff that is a busy shift work hospital ward).

So the recommendation of the report?

• NHS services, particular in A&E, should be managed in a way which ensures people who have self-harmed or attempted suicide have proper access to care and treatment by fully-trained clinical staff
  

• A change to the culture of NHS services, so that staff who encounter people who self-harm are trained and supported

• A proper public health strategy to cover self-harm, and for the suicide prevention strategy to remain a priority in all nations of the UK

• More funding of research on self-harm, which has been neglected and overlooked.

And if the final comment really true?

"Rates are down in young people and we are looking carefully at ways to improve mental health care in frontline NHS services."

Are they down? or are young people put off by their own bad experiences & horror stories that they have read on support forums, blogs and from people they know?

Closed Doors

If a door is closed, do you:

a) walk past a wait for the person to come of of the room
b) knock and wait for a reply
c) knock and barge straight in
or d) barge straight in.


I'm sure you can guess which option my mother chose this morning at 7.45am. what has particularly caused the stress though is i was semi-clad (nickers only) standing on the scales. The fact that i was on the scales is not such a problem, but how much of my stomach she saw........

Well i'm praying not very much as I had a lot of my back to her. Fortunately i had a small-as-possible (for the size of the wound) waterproof plaster (so transparent edging) over the latest sutures, but she doesn't know about any of the other recent scars from sutures and she still hasn't seen the burn scar from october last year.

I haven't crossed her path again yet, and am currently downstairs trying not to eat a whole packet of cereal bars (145 calories a bar) and anything else. I think my weight is up from yesterday (don't know, didn't trust mum not to barge in again after earlier) after a horrible day of eating, even though it was just under the RDA for calories, it still feels like a binge. And to make matters worse we're going out to Sunday lunch today because of a meeting D's going to which is about 40 mins from home. I know i don't have to go, but it just causes more upset if i say no, plus now i'm not sure i can trust myself to stay at home and not overeat. For some reason its fine during the week, i have much more control, but at the weekends things just go to pot, completely.