Sunday, 20 December 2009

Time to say good bye in one way or another.

I can't do this anymore. I can't stand being alive. I know its selfish when there are so many people on this planet so less fortunate, but this depression and general mental state is not a way to live, and in many ways its not living - its surviving.

I've told mum i'll play happy families over christmas with the grandparents and then i'm going. but after yet another crossing of paths just a minute ago, i think i'm off tomorrow.

This is stupid - why am i even saying this? we all know i'm too pathetic and weak to leave. especially as i have nowhere to go. And with the ice and snow, sleeping in the car isn't the best of ideas, although part of me doesn't care. Hypothermia, dehydration - self harm without the effort isn't it?

Or do i leave the car at home, pack up the nytol and sleep though it all on a bench somewhere.

I just can't stay here with mum wanting me to see pointless professionals. I'm not going to waste their time just to keep other people happy. But then i also can't stay here as i am, with mum seeing me day after day. I'm sorry i'm not perfect, i'm sorry i'm not happy - but thats me! i can't magically change. therefore i think its time to leave.

Or the orders to medical supplies will go through, mistakes will occur and i'll hurt people even more.

I wish i was free, i wish they weren't around. I just want to go for ever but i know that would be the ultimate act of hurt.

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