Friday, 18 December 2009

Fighting back the tears

My attachment issues regarding K are ridiculous. She left a message on my home answerphone, saying she had booked me an appointment for the 5th of January - probably the same time as the one i cancelled! Who knows. I didn't take note of the time, i headed straight out of the door armed with the book i borrowed, and popped down the icy/snowy road to the surgery, just in time for her to be finishing her surgery - and for once she had finished on time!

I had thought about writing a letter and dropping it off with the book, but sitting in my roon, fighting back the tears with mum and D downstairs, i decided to sort out the problem there and then.

Anyway the receptionist called down to her and i went straight down to her room. The tears were rolling. But she took the book and listened to my reasons as to why i wanted to cancel. I simply feel like i am being chased at the moment, and the more they call, the further away i want to be. It turned out that she didn't realise i had cancelled the appointment, she thought i had slipped out on monday without one being made.

A big part of me wanted her to ask me to reconsider and turn up. To ask me to think again - like M and Dr L have done (both of whom i have had calls today also) - but she simply went on to remind me that now i am an adult unless i am a danger to others they are unlikely to "sit on me" as she put it. As for being a danger to myself, she said it was up to me whether i hurt myself or not. As i left i made sure she knew i wasn't being rude or ungrateful, her reply,

"Believe it or not, I understand."

I do believe her, i trust her more than anyone. She's about the only person i trust with my life.

I think alot of the reason for me wanting to keep away from her, is down to the fact right now i feel so vulnerable i want to cling on - just like in the dream. I think i need that time away, to separate myself and distance myself. At least i can recognise this attachment issue these days, that than overstep the mark and hand deliver a letter to her house - as i did with a receptionist i got very close to, aged 16 ish.

I know i've made the right decision, but i still want to sob my heart out.

My mind tonight has gone back to the thought that i really don't care, my plans of restocking are somewhat thwarted by christmas posting issues. Also there's the problem with recieving the post too with mum & D being off work over christmas and then again on friday 1st. I guess though that there will be no deliveries on the days they are off work..... only christmas eve, when D is off during the morning......

Oh dear plotting and planning. I honestly don't want to end up on S ward (not that you'd believe it), but something inside me says it will all be controlled and i can harm safely - slight contradiction of terms i know - am i that far out of control. Have i really lost that much sense?

I'm not sure where i am these days. I just want to make it through christmas safely, for mum, nan, grandpa & D. After that? I'm not sure. I've heard via M and K that Dr L is planning on refering me to the teams psychologist - another person to start again with, go over my 23 years of life, depression, harm and disasters - only 23 years but a hell of a lot packed in to them. I really don't want to spend weeks going over every med, Dr, nurse, hospital, section etc etc. Whats the point? I've been there before.

I'm so tempted to let K into the world of Susie Belle, I trust her so much i want to share the truth with her - the whole truth. Maybe one day.

(P.S the balloon i sent was starting to go down..... i started a conversation with the receptionists (2 who are newer but i am beginning to get to know and become fond of) about it and the said the children love it & want to take it home. Its done well in a busy place for 5 days, and when i mentioned they plump up & expand when warmer they said they might give it to someone on Christmas Eve to take home. I want to send more! but i think i should perhaps at least wait a month or too. Valentines Day? or Easter? It makes people happy and as became clear tonight, no-one knows i am the secret balloon sender!)

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