Monday, 16 November 2009

I don't want.......

I don't want to carry on. K said to me today "You can do it Jenny". I replied to her with what my heart and head have been saying for the last week;

"I don't want to."
I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of pointless appointments. I'm living my life for my mum and grandparents. If it wasn't for the fact that it would break their hearts and destroy them, i would call it a day right now.
Part of me thinks that K and J would understand and although they might be sad, they know i will never be at peace whilst i am alive.
I don't want to waste these hardworking peoples' time anymore. Its clear after 9 years that nothing can be done to change my mental state but if don't turn up when they ask me to i feel i'm being rude.
I don't want to hurt people, but by living i'm hurting and then when that gets too much i just hurt and disappoint people anyway. I can't win or get it right. The question i often ask myself - is causing one final, ultimate pain worse than continually disappointing everyone?

2 people had something to say about this:

The Woollen Typist said...

There is so much to live for in life and you just need to find that something again. You will get through this and you can.

Please try calling one of the following help lines:

Samaritans- 08457 90 90 90

Mind info line- 0845 766 0163

You may also wish to take a look at the following website- it's a retreat for people with suicidal thoughts:

I am sorry if my comment seems patronising but I am not trying to be. Honest. I am just worried. Everyone has a right to life (I say this in a non-religious or whatever way)...

Please look after yourself and don't hesitate to contact me. Though we don't know me I am more than happy to be here for you.


Seeker said...

The advice above (from Woollen Typist) is excellent advice. Please take it. I know you have phoned the Samaritans before; but please do it again.

As someone who has been alive for almost 60 years, I have had many times when I have felt like giving up. The thing about life though is that you never know what is ahead. Ok, there might be lots of bad things in store for you. But there could well be numerous good things too.

One day you might..... find a job you love, make a good friend, fall in love, give birth to a precious baby, visit some wonderful places, listen to some beautiful music, or just see a beautiful sunset. You never know what is in store for you. Life is full of surprises.... and is always worth living, even with the really difficult bits.

I wish you peace.

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