Saturday, 10 October 2009

Scared and Surprised

I need to write something. I'm scared that if i don't my brain will stop. Its like i can feel my emotions dying slowly and i'm going into automatic pilot. I sit and look around at my surroundings trying to find something to cause a reaction inside me.

I want to cry but i can't. The tears aren't there. I can't find the sadness anymore, now that its gone there seems to be nothing.

I tried to sleep this afternoon. I was tired but obviously not physically because i couldn't sleep, so it was clearly just the emotional drain after yesterday. So drained though that it's gone from overload to empty. I'm staring at the keyboard, looking at my fingers, praying that they will tyoe something that will explain this breakdown. The screen is fading in and out of focus as i stare through it.

I was glad of the diazepam when i went out with mum this morning. I was surprised to find even being out with her didn't make me feel safe enough. Nothing does right now. I want to be back in K's room. See what is it about that, that makes my eyes tingle? As soon as i typed that i could feel a longing and sadness. I have a longing and yearning for comfort, care and cuddles. I hung around mum tonight whilst cooking dinner like a lost puppy, but the hugs never happened.

I'm amazed and am slowly realising how low i've sunk and how much the black hole has swallowed me already. At least this time i have caught it before someone else has stepped in and caught me instead.

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