Thursday, 15 July 2010

11 other people

Thats how many other people there are in the house right now. I need to escape. I can't go running for a few reasons.

  1. I don't have any trainers with me
  2. Its so hot and humid i'm sweating already!
  3. I had my nails done today - toenails too and i'm going to feel so guilty if i damage them before the wedding, especially as someone else paid for it!

I feel fat and horrible. Each day i tell myself that today is the day to slip under the radar and not each. I managed slightly this evening by having just salad, containing a boiled egg but fell down with the bread and butter probably equivilent to about 3 slices. Managed to regain control over dessert by just having the strawberries and not the cream or sponge cake.

Started the day with a bowl of cereal and fruit, then sushi & edamame beans and a beetroot juice for lunch, but lots of snacking on cheese curds and also some fruit.

Over all not bad today, but previous days have included chocolate cake and apple pie for dessert.

I think another reason i'm falling apart is the lack of email contact from M today. Maybe she wants to try not to email back too much, to get me to manage on my own. Right now i could harm myself to a severe degree to cope with whats going on. I have no-one i can talk to, there is a mental health crisis line in this town, but no charity drop in.

For the second night i think i need to go and cry, but whilst doing a few sit ups. Hopefully a bonus to 11 other people is that i will not be missed!

All i need to do now is make sure i delete this webpage from the history of this laptop. I didn't do it on the other laptop but i don't think the mother is savy enough to know where to look, however i think the daughter probably is. Deleting the whole internet history is too obvious that i'm hiding something though.

I want to go home....... only 10 days to go.

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Touchy feely

Of all the problems that would cause me stress on this holiday i didn't expect this one. The thing thats stressing me out the most right now, is my Nan. I feel really bad & guilty for saying this, but she's just so touchy feely huggy all the time and i just want to yell "back off!". she picked up that somethings was wrong today, i think i was just acting very cold, but i fobbed her off with the tired story. After a long flight & late nights i think she bought it.

We went shopping in this old boutique town today, and the family wanted to buy me stuff. Again i feel bad but i don't want anything. I don't wear jewellery and i don't like wasting people's money.

I keep getting the comments about how good i look - the last time i saw some of them i had a BMI of around 12. But good to me doesn't mean good - good means fat.

and now i can feel the tears building up, especially having recieved an email from mum who is making her way across the country with D. But i can't let them show yet - thats saved for when my head hits the pillow, when i'm all alone. I just have to make sure i wipe my dry salty eyes before i see anyone the next morning.

I wish i could deal with it by restricting, and although i don't think i'm going OTT with food, i wish i could eat less. I also wish i could attack this fat belly of mine with something sharp, but thats not going to happen either.

Which means it will all just build up for when i get home. No worries about Nan getting too close and clingy tomorrow though, as i am off with mum's cousin & her son to pick up her daughter from the airport, which means a 2 hour drive - but what else am i going to do for the day?

Saturday, 10 July 2010

Airport lounge

The stress hasn't gone away like M said - but then i'm not there yet.

I'm in the airport lounge where breakfast is provided in the form of a cold buffet - cereals, fruit, yogurt & mini pastries.

I started fine with some fruit & yogurt and a little museli. Back for more fruit......then the mini pastries got the better of me - all this waiting is winding me up. Mum & D are still with us, and i think Mum has mentioned to Nan about my overeating when my stress levels rise (although i'm sure thats not the way she will have put it!)

I had 2 of the mini croissants and then went for a 3rd, at which point mum tiold me off and told me to stop. Nan replied that i'd be fine once we got there - but i don't think i will. Laying in bed last night i was trying to convince myself that i wasn't going to eat a thing - and that it was the only way.

Perhaps i need a few more of those appetite suppressant tablets i got online - not that i'm convinced they do anything anyway!

There will be food on the plane....... i'm sure the family at the destination will be good hosts and offer as much as i like.....

All i want is to go home....back to the gym & back to my safe routine.

we've been at the airport for 3 hours now & i want to go home already.

M sent me a text last night - "Bon Voyage. Enjoy every minute" Cue floods of tears yet again.

I wish i could for nan's sake. but instead i spent the rest of the time trying to get to sleep, thinking about what may happen when i get home & how the stress is going to manifest itself - so long as it doesn't happen while i am away - i don't really care what happens when i get back any more.

I just want this over.

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

BBC - "Self-harmers 'not receiving help needed', says report"

Another news story where i feel like saying:

  1. "Have you only just realised this??!!"
  2. "So what's new?"
  3. "Does this mean you will do something about it now?" (to which the reply is probably "no")
A quote from Lord John Alderdice, a Consultant psychiatrist is one that reminds me how lucky i am to have my GP

"This situation is unacceptable by any reasonable standard. Lives may be at stake"

When i my life has been at stake, i have turned to those closest to home & those i trust first, my GP & the surgery down the road. The have been the ones to call the ambulances and get me to hospital. I don't know whether it does make a difference, or whether again i have just been very lucky, but when i have then arrived at A&E i have never heard or been on the recieving end of any bad treatment.

Another quote from the recent article from the BBC says that,

"The survey also suggests accident and emergency departments fare worse."

In my opinion the staff at my GP surgery have got to know me, many of them since about 2000, and they have seen me at times other than when i have needed patching up or shipping off to A&E when they couldn't deal with my injuries. They have got to know me personally, where as staff at A&E i have generally just seen the once, all they see if the harm and the distress, they don't get to see the person behind that. In my area i believe the same to be true about the Walk in Centre where as at my smaller Minor Injuries Unit (run by 3 staff and 1 receptionist) i have got to know them over the years, as the main senior nurses there haven't changed (unlike the conveyor belt of staff that is a busy shift work hospital ward).

So the recommendation of the report?

  • NHS services, particular in A&E, should be managed in a way which ensures people who have self-harmed or attempted suicide have proper access to care and treatment by fully-trained clinical staff
  • A change to the culture of NHS services, so that staff who encounter people who self-harm are trained and supported
  • A proper public health strategy to cover self-harm, and for the suicide prevention strategy to remain a priority in all nations of the UK
  • More funding of research on self-harm, which has been neglected and overlooked.
And if the final comment really true?

"Rates are down in young people and we are looking carefully at ways to improve mental health care in frontline NHS services."

Are they down? or are young people put off by their own bad experiences & horror stories that they have read on support forums, blogs and from people they know?

Monday, 5 July 2010

Place your bets please!

So my 2 weeks family holiday is nearly here. I am more stressed than ever, struggling to keep control every minute of every day.

There are so many fears about it that i can't keep track of them all, and from one thing leads another. It just seems to be spiralling.

Needless to say though food & exercise rank highly on my list of worries. Well wouldn't you if you were in a different country, staying with family, in a country that has a reputation for huge appetites and obesity (even more so than the UK)?

M said the last few weeks i've walked in and she's thought i've looked like i've lost wieght - except i've either stayed the same or gained slightly. She's at a loss as to what is going on, especially given my exercise levels & that on average i'm undereating by about 2 days each week.

So i challenged her to take a guess at what i will be in 3 weeks time (2 weeks away for me and the 1 for her) but i will have at least a week back at the gym after my 2 weeks away before my next weigh in with her. So it may turn out that she actually wins the bet (both our weight ranges are written in her diary on the date of our next appointment) in which case i will own her a souvenir from my holiday - i did say i'd keep it if i won the bet, but i know i'll give it to her whatever. Her guess ranges from 2 kg below my current weight to 1kg gain. Where as i am saying i'll gain at least 2kg.

I am trying my hardest to lose as much as i can before i go, just in case i turn into a hippo whilst i'm away.

I guess i had better pack my suitcase...... or i could continue to put it off..... pretending it's not that close & continue spending my energy trying to hold myself instead. A night without bad dreams/nightmares would help too - for the past 3 nights i have been detained in a hospital setting in my dreams. Not sure if that is better than dreaming about being sectioned & the crazee catchers coming to my house to get me, or not. Either way, i wake up feeling as shitty & tired as i did when i went to sleep.

If i disappear for more than 2 weeks, don't be suprised. I am fully expecting a major fallout/breakdown in the near future.

Thursday, 1 July 2010

hi i come from a family with a history of mental illness n i decided to write to help keep me sane, i n this sounds stupid but do u think it helped?

Writing an anonymous blog for me is at times almost like writing a diary, because for posts like my dreams i can refer back to them. The difference with that secret diary the you hide in your bedside drawer, is that you can bounce ideas off of your readers.

The days when you question yourself, you have peoples opinions to help you sort out your thoughts. All the things yo want to say about people who frustrate you, can be said and again you know your feelings are being heard. Those secrets in life that sometimes you really need to tell someone are healthier shared than kept inside. Which was something that proved very bad for my health in the past, so in that way i think it has helped.

On the down side there is always that fear, if you chose to be anonymous, that someone my recognise you. This paranoia is not always helpful.

The other huge benefit is the blogging community that you meet. There are some lovely people out there whose experiences may be similar to yours, the advice you can give out too can be theraputic to you.

Afterall, as they say - "A problem shared, is a problem halved"

Thank you for the question.
Take care
Susie
xx

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