Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Moment of weakness strength

One mini christmas cake. Done. (As Gordon Ramsay would say)

As above, just without the icing (or marzipan under the icing), the marmalade sticking the marzipan to the cake or the dried cranberries. My chosen specimen (i think i'm in denial that its food that i've eaten food now) was smaller than this one, about an inch high and 3 inches across. I was experimenting with different tins and dishes when i made them. The best 3 were iced, decorated and given as gifts to family and their friends.

Why am i not freaking out or wanting to binge and have another one? Because the nausea is still lingering in the background, the dizziness is confining me to the sofa and soon i think i maybe just have to give in and sleep, or at least close my eyes. My co-ordination is all out, i'm not sure i could touch my own nose with my index finger right now.

What was the wake-up call today? It could have been seeing myself in the mirror in the changing room at Next, where amazingly 3 out of the 7 items i tried on, i then bought! Admitedly one of them is a tight fitting top and would look a whole lot better if i had some sort of shape and figure, instead of being as straight as a ruler. Or maybe it was the fact that after an hour in town i was becoming unsure as to how much longer i was going to remain on my feet, as had visions of my friend who's a Paramedic in the area being called to scrape me off the pavement. My last stop was Sainsburys, where halfway round i sampled a mouthful of iced doughnut, by then the worry of falling down made this mouth non-existant. With half hour left on the carpark, a sit down in the cafe was certainly needed before attempting to drive home. I queued with my Pepsi Max (i've never drunk full sugar fizzy drinks, and probably never will) eyeing up the snack options to combat the possibility of imminent collapse; Teacake? Mincepie? Slice of carrot cake? No? Ok, well what about a banana? Are you going to have anything at all??!! Hmmmm, ok i'll compromise on with apple.

What i realised as i sat down was that it was 1pm and so far i'm had 1 mushroom with a teaspoon of picalilli, one with extra light mayo and the sample mouthful of donut. Maybe thats another reason i'm not freaking over the cake, because basically all i've eaten is an apple and not a very large one at that. However ED is telling me that my donut sample was probably worth the same in calories as the apple! And whats more i had initially planned to have a plain slice of my homemade bread because i know i can manage bread despite the nausea, so i got one out of the freezer before i then decided on the fruit cake, so although genuinly feeling full right now, before 5.30pm when the rest of the house is due home, i have a slice of bread to get through.

Right now I'd even go as far as to say i'm considering anti depressants when i see my GP next monday, in the hope that it would decrease my anxiety over what i'm eating. But then we all know how fickle my mood is and monday is 6 days away, which when your mood changes by the hour, makes 6 days contain a possible 144 changes in mood. What are the chances of being back in this pattern of thought in 144 hours time?

Sunday, 28 December 2008

Who's running this show?!

I don't know which part of my brain is in control right now. It seems to have changed from ED being in control with sensible fighting through, to sensible side living day to day life with ED controlling my thought processes and shouting at sensible because it hates what sensible is doing.

Sensible keeps snacking and picking at things getting extra calories here and there where it can. Unsurprisingly ED doesn't like this and is trying to limit as much as possible. ED then shows its anger in the form of an elastic band which has now left a series of red lines around my lower leg....

why can't i control sensible and stick to just 3 meals a day without snacking? I mean i know that ED is going to get very angry, yet i still let sensible pick the raisins (the few that remain) out of the tub of fruit and nuts. I was thinking of replacing said raisins to hide my disgusting habit, but i don't think i can guarantee how many i will consume in the process and i really don't want to get so angry as to let ED then decide i deserve a more lasting pain than the snap of a rubber band.

Even a snack of a gherkin or an extra clementine makes ED furious. It seems its all or nothing. So tomorrow its nothing. I'm not sure i will be able to keep sensible in line so I'm going to give up trying. ED you are free to rule tomorrow, you have requested nothing until 7pm and i will try and let you have it that way. Because to be honest no food all day is nothing compared to the destructiveness i feel towards myself overall.

I don't know whether its just the stress of the festive season or whether after a brief interlude in "okayness" i have fallen back down into the black hole. I expect it is mainly self disgust at having eaten far more than i feel i should have over the last 4 days, including eating out, eating 3 meals a day, snacking, picking at cakes and sweets, not checking drinks in the pub before you start drinking them. Even a couple of 2 hour walks don't sem to balance things out. All i can hope for is that stress has worked in my favour (or rather ED's favour) when it comes to my weight. By now though i'm to afraid to get back on the scales for fear of what will appear on the screen between my feet, once i've managed to move my gaze past my bloated stomach

but right now i feel angry towards mum because i feel like she is keeping me alive, well, I'm keeping myself alive for her. I know I'd devastate her if i even tried again (after all its been 2 and a half years since that last attempt after years of attempts almost monthly) but i want out. This isn't a life, this is now a punishment for my life so far and all my misdemeanours. I feel like i want to be set free from the prison that is my mind, my personality - myself. I'm tired of refereeing between ED and sensible, just like previously i was between SI and sensible. I want to live without hatred, without conflict and without anger.

Right now i'm not sure this will ever be possible.

By brain is jumping between so many places tonight i have no idea if this reads well or not but i'm tired and frankly i don't care anymore, well, not for tonight at least.

Wednesday, 24 December 2008

Making use of those festive nightmares

What could be more daunting for an anoreixc at christmas? Tins of chocolates, biscuits, cakes and other high calorie "treats"? Eating out? Or simply the fact that the rest of the family are off work, watching what goes into (or rather doesn't) your mouth, so your can't restrict as you normally would.

So tonight, or in fact the whole of today, i found some strength (well, most of the time) and decided to fight the demons.

"Screw you ED! (but don't worry i see you again in 4 days time...shhh just don't tell anyone)"

After eating an almost normal breakfast, the eating out a large lunch (well large for me, normal for most others), re-icing 3 mini cakes (and not throwing away all the old icing or the offcuts...) and still having dinner (holding back slightly), In the last half hour i've consumed more calories on snacks than i normally have for breakfast and lunch recently (and probably will do again in 4 days time). I know my brain is so screwed by my lack of weight and nutrition, so tonight i went with the theory that maybe weight gain is what is needed for my brain to see some sense.

But now the fear, anger and upset is setting in. I've banished myself to bed for the night, shut away, so i can cry to my hearts content because i feel so disgusted with myself and carry on debating and fighting with myself over whether or not to self harm to release some of the anger i'm feeling right now.

One minute i think i'm ok, then i'm swallowed up by the desire to keep my weight down again. Maybe the focus of self harm will take way the focus on the reality of what i've eaten and am disappointed in myself for. No, disappointed really is the wrong word. Disgust is definately what i feel.

Oh how i wish i'd got those sleeping tablets prescribed now. To just be able to go to sleep without lying awake thinking about the day past and fearing the day ahead.

My mind says tomorrow "have more control. stick to 3 meals no snacks, normal(ish) eating. No icing, no chocolate, no cereal bars. - Oh and you still deserve to be punished for todays antics!"

#I don't want a lot for christmas;
there is just one thing i need...#

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

So i saw my nurse today. she agreed to give the 'No weigh' approach a go. she asked me if i would know if i was losing or gaining, i said i would from my clothes, she said she didn't think she would be able to tell by looking at me. anyway i banished my scales to the bottom of my wardrboe under piles of things and there's so much stuff on my floor it's almost impossible to get the doors of the wardrobe open as well!

I was honest with mum and told her the rough plan of action. as ever with the "helpful" comments her first remark about the scales was "how long are they going to stay there for?!" as if to say 'you won't last 24 hours'.... Yes, i'm scared sh1tless. but tomorrow i want to start 2009 early. a new day, a new week, a new month, a new year.

Thats the theory anyway. Will i stick with my intentions of getting back to 3 meals a day? to be honest even if they aren't true meals and what a normal person would class as a meal i don't care right now. i just need to get some structure back and have 3 set times for eating. dinner is no problem as mum and D are around but brekkie and lunch........ As for the content of my meals i don't know if the no weigh approach is going to worry me too much that i will restrict more. guess there's only one way to find out.

D's going out tomorrow night. i have been trying to for somewhere for mum and i to go. i really want to try and eat out and show her i'm trying.

i don't want to try. i'd quite happily keep losing weight but with a BMI of (not sure if i should say) i know physically i can't afford to but my head is so screwed up because i've not collapsed fainted etc etc part of my brain says i'm ok to keep losing.

M (my nurse) was right. when you are out of the food environment/situation its so easy to sit and talk rationally about it all, yet as soon as you're in the kitchen or its a meal time etc that rationality vanishes. as long as i don't lose control like the cereal bar incident the other day i don't care. i really don't want to go from anorexia to bulimia.

i guess a big reason i'm scared is because with out the ED i'm nothing. i have nothing. just depression. i suppose the ED takes the focus off the depression in a way. i don't really remember a time when i wasn't self harming, depressed or suicidal, so i guess i don't know what there will be without that. but with no job or friends then there's not much really.
i kind of feel right now that i have 4 reasons for living, aged 81, 79, 52 and 49 (diabetic with shorter life expectancy) and i feel like once those reasons are gone there really will be nothing, but it almost feels like i will be free and a pressure will be lifted because then i will have no more ties to life. Basically i'm living just waiting for the day to come when i can die. ridiculous really as that probably won't be for another 30 years! and with so much having happened in the last 10 years goodness knows what will ocur in the next 30! you never know i may be married with kids by then. certainly doesn't seem that likely right now but you never know.

anyway i'm starting to stress over having eating far more today than the previous days, i'm about to start crying, i'm tired and when i'm tired i get so emotional. perhaps i need to think about some kind of sleeping aid again. *sigh*

Thursday, 11 December 2008

That Downwards Spiral

5 weeks since my last post - kind of says it all really. I'm on that helter skelter, going round and round and down and down. But like the Helter Skelter on Brighton pier (which is on the edge of the pier and overlooks the sea) i'm not really enjoying it. Part of me is - the ED. It couldn't be happier that i'm losing weight and would quite happily continue. However my physical body is exhausted and so is my sensible brain. My body isn't sure how much longer it can carry on, it's fighting a cold which i've had for about 10 days now, the lack of muscle tissue is starting to show again and of course there the thoughts of osteoperosis and infertility as per usual. Its been over 2 years now since my body showed feminine ways and i know the longer that goes on, the worse the prospects are. Although its hard to be concerned about that when you don't even have any friends, let alone boyfriends, partners or husbands then having children really doesn't become a priority. I have been thinking about why i'm wanting to lose more weight and what i can do to find the motivation and inspiration to gain weight, or a least find a reason to stop losing weight. Health implication obviously don't work. My lack of respect for myself (which reason came out yesterday during a day of major struggles) make long term health implications seems completely pointless. Family - well i'm alive so my ED sees no issues there, sure i don't like fading before their eyes but compared to previous years, i'm not hospitalised, having blood transfusions etc etc. Although apparently my grandfather is convinced i'm seriously ill again (not just the ED) and thats why we're not going down to the until the 27th and not on Xmas day. I think thats also something that doesn't help - the fact that my family doesn't see me as seriously ill. In anorexia terms i have a BMI of 13.9 and should probably be hospitalised. I know my ED nurse has told me previously that you'd barely be allowed off bed rest if I were an inpatient at this rate! And so to my ED Nurse, M. She's lovely, kind, gentle and covers a huge area of about 3 counties all on her own. I don't look forwards to seeing her at all these days, and i think her weighing me each week is actually fueling my drive to lose more weight. ED is telling me i should be losing more weight, after all i'm seeing an ED nurse so there for i should have an ED and to the ED gaining weight means you don't have anorexia. So i wonder if she stops weighing me whether that pressure of having someone know that my weight is going up or at the other end of the scale (no pun intended!) whether i won't feel i have to lose more weigh to prove i'm still anorexic. I've found a blog thats feels very relevant recently by Lola Snow, called Marine Snow. she is currently experiencing one of my reasons for not going back on meds - side effects. Now i know not everyone experiences them but it just adds to my list of reasons and strengths the Anti meds side of the list. Well i've run out of mental steam, maybe i'll find some again soon. At least now i can actually function rather than just curl up in a ball and sleep through the worst of the depression.

Thursday, 30 October 2008

A River in Egypt

Things really have gone very low. Far too low that i haven't done anything about it. It's been probably 3 almost 4 weeks since my mood started to drop and since then, epecially in the last 2 weeks i've 2 days where i haven't been able to function at all. Forget not being bothered to do things, I literally couldn't.

The first day was a Saturday so mum was around. I'd practically run out of clean clothes and had planned the day before to do some washing but by saturday i was curled up on the sofa almost sleep. The nausea was bad again and i just couldn't find it in me to even move a muscle let alone sit up. I just lay there in silence, even the TV was too much to take in. I forced down some food at lunch; a slice of bread, some quark and bits of salad, which i know will have disappointed mum but from my point of view i could have happily gone without that day, so i was trying.

Then the next week, mum and D went away for 3 days. Left on my own i knew i HAD to cope, as mum was worried enough leaving me normally let alone in the state i've been for the last few weeks. I spent those 3 days throwing all my energies into surviving, staying alive - mentally as well as physically, trying to live "normally". Spending over half each day at D's work, doing some data input, which i know he was grateful for as it would have built up to a huge pile whilst he was away. I guess its no surprise though that i'm feeling the comeback from those few days a week later. Having put on a front for those days and used to much energy and effort, i crashed again in a big way Tuesday.

I made it up, out of bed and had some porridge for breakfast. Went outside to pull up some carrots because at dinner time it could be dark. I even made it into the shower to warm up after going outside. But after getting out of the shower that was where i stopped. I literally came to a halt. It was 11am and i suddenly felt overwhemlingly exhausted, as though a ton weight had landed on me and was crushing me. I managed to get as far as putting underwear on before curling up on my bed and laying down. I could feel the nausea setting in again, so stumbled down stairs in a dressing gown to find the domperidone. Once back upstairs again, i lay back down and fell asleep for 45 minutes until 12.15pm. I stayed there pretty much all afternoon until D got home. Dinner was a battle. I really didn't feel like anything, so tried to pick things that might appeal even if they were strange in combination. A Jacket potato (nice and plain), some frozen peas, some grated low fat cheese and 1/2 a steamed courgette. I got to the end eventually.

Yesterday was better, although my nurse phoned me to say she was running late, but if i was really desperate she would see me for a shorter session. The thought of concentrating to drive for 30 minutes to get myself there was filling me with dread as it was but then to do that for a 30 minute appointment and then try and make it the 30 minutes home again, just didn't appeal or seem sensible. However i did confess to her that things weren't going well. I could have easily slept all day again but instead i forced down a couple of pieces of fruit for lunch and put a piece of bread in foil to take with me to D's work. Although the nausea had gone, my appetite had in no way returned. I doubt i got half the amount done in the time i normally would, but at least with people around me i couldn't give in and let the black hole swallow me, but the worry now is that i shouldn't have tried to keep going and used the little energy i had.

It was Mum and D's wedding anniversary yesterday and they were going out for dinner, which meant dining alone. Again working out what to have was tiring. I wanted something in the way of carbs but another jacket potato didn't appeal. I did want homemade coleslaw, so made a batch enough for 2 meals and grated the last of the low fat cheese into one half for my meal. Whilst making that i came to a decision that i'd have some Ebly, chewy and comforting as well an non calorie worrying. A 60g serving is 206kcal and i only had 50g anyway, with 50kcal from the cheese then the coleslaw with Hellmans Extra light mayo (12kcal per 16g tablespoon). My mind could stop stressing. Althoug i could have afforded to eat a bit more, as my weight had dropped to 5 and a half yesterday morning.

Tonight i was supposed to be cooking for Mum and D, my anniversary gift to them. But my decision in the main course has changed half a dozen times and i just don't feel i have the mental strength to do it. The main present was a fruit tower/cone using floral oasis, a bit like topiary, which i was going to serve with 3 dips, melted dark chocolate, melted milk chocolate and a vanilla yoghurt. I've not told mum what i'm doing but i mentioned how i feel and that i'd rather concentrate on pudding, which means getting myself together and going to buy the fruit and yogurt this morning. At least its something i can do sitting down.

Just from typing this i feel shattered even though i'm only moving from the wrists down to my finger tips, laying in bed. Maybe a cup of tea will wake me up a bit, although i'm not holding my breath, going by the past 2 days.

When i can't do anything but sleep, when my brain can't focus or function and when i don't want a thing to eat when i should be hungry as i haven't eaten a thing, i should know things are really bad. I thought about going to see my GP when i first started slipping but the day of my appointment she was running late and i had to get back to work, so it was the perfect excuse to cancel. Now, i keep telling myself i've hit the alltime low, things should be on the way back up. There's no point going for meds as by the time things kick in at least 2 weeks down the line it will have passed and i'll be ok again.

What was the name of that river in Egypt again?

Friday, 17 October 2008

Too tired to breathe

I thought i'd this now while i can. things are going further down hill. the balck demons have got a firm grasp and are dragging me into the black hole. i'm tired. even breathing feels like an effort. yesterday i just wanted to curl up in bed and lay there in silence, but i forced myself to go out into town for an hour, and then into D's work for the comfort of being around people and a little feeling of safety.

i can't go on pretending anymore though. i can't hide it. i walk around town like a zombie, i drive just going through the motions, i don't even sing along to the radio. the only time i cry is if someone asks me if i'm ok, when i fight the tears but they just happen, almost like relief and finally being able to show the dark place i'm in.

my appetite is almost gone, i honestly don't feel hungry which is a great excuse for the anorexia. this morning even the scales didn't seem to matter, that really shows me how low i feel. i eat what and when i feel like it during the day. if that means breakfast at 10am i don't care, my sensible, logical side knows i need to eat even if it is only the minimum i would have when restricting - at least i don't have the fear of overeating. mid afternoon yesterday i took a break at D's work after his manager asked me if i was ok and the tears started flowing again, i walked to the shop to get something mum had mentioned seeing and whilst there picked up a pomegrante. i knew it would be messy to eat and awkward at the office but i saw it and almost wanted it - that almost meant i knew i had to go with it there and then, because later on i might struggle to eat at all.

when mum got home she asked if we needed to go and sit and talk (she phoned d at work and i spoke to her, confessing i wasn't doing great), my reply - "Not really, i feel like crap. thats all there is to it" Is that the truth? something tells me i should have said more but what more is there to say? i think her expectations of an answer are driving me to look for one when there isn't one. Does there need to be a reason? does the have to be a reason?

as for today.........i just want to stay here again, the safety, warmth and comfort of my bed. my head feels so heavy like its about to fall off my neck. i know from yesterday that in an hour time when they've gone to work and i'm alone i will sink even lower, not wanting to do anything, even use the laptop or watch TV, which is why i know i should type this now and try and get something of how i feel down and out of me.

will i do anything today? depsite no clouds in the sky i really don't have the strength to go down to the farm. i think i'll go into d's work instead, issue there is if i go in early i need to take some kind of lunch, and risk seeing people while eating. Food gets in the way once more.

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Under interrogation

I know i shouldn't have snapped at mum last night but before i could stop to think about what i was saying or feeling the words had come out of my mouth.

I wasn't looking forwards to the day ahead yesterday morning, knowing that i was supposed to be seeing my GP mid morning. The prospect of being told you're doing well and managing things so much better than this time last year.....if only they knew. I can't tell anyone though, i don't want to disappoint their fanatasy idea. It may be that i'm able to put on that front again, able to hide it all inside.

but what they don't see - the fresh scars on my upper arm, the breakfast of 2 mandarins before going out to work on the farm for a couple of hours, the lunch of 60g of low fat cottage cheese (50kcal) and mushrooms and 1/2 a bell pepper to dip into it with another mandarin to follow and then the mark on my ankle from the snap of the elastic band to remind be to stop picking at foods from the fridge and fruit bowl etc.

They can't see or understand the thoughts that go through my head; walking down the garden path with a knife to cut a cabbage for dinner and the scenario going through my head of plunging the knife down into my thigh; driving along on the car and seeing myself driving straight into a hedge, tree or wall; driving across a rail way crossing and as i get to the middle imagining the impact of a train smashing into the side of the car and crushing me and it instantly. Are these the thoughts of a normal brain? Why does my brain broadcast these images constantly?

Anyway, i went to work in the fields for an hour, turning up to find i was working on my own as there was no-one else around. I left at 11am to take a break and head for the doctors, only 5 minutes by car. When i arrived the number of cars overflowing from the carpark gave me the tell tale signs that she was running late. The perfect excuse. Just what i'd been hoping for. About 30 mins late at least by my estimation. To fit the rest of my day running to plan i needed to have finished my 2nd hour in the fields by 12.30pm which meant had my appointment run to time i would have been finished by 11.30am. So i set myself a time limit, if the patient that was with her hadn't come out by 11.30am then i was leaving, as there were 2 people still in front of me. 11.30am arrived and i departed.

Back to the fields for an hour, then home for something to eat, lunch for me is what others would describe as i snack i fear. cottage cheese, a small tomato, a few mild pepperdew peppers and a mandarin. Then off to step-dad's office to bury myself into data input and filing there.

Sat in a room on the computer on my own, i couldn't fight back the tears but the sitting still was soon over and i then started sorting about 1000 cards into alphabetical order. Easiest way? sort them into letter piles for surname which meant standing up and moving round the table to reach the relevant pile. almost 4 hours later it was time to leave.

Getting home the snacking demons hit me again and i fight them off with a mug of tea.

Mum gets home, she asks how it went my the doctor. I say she was running late as usual, mum pushes me again seeing that i'm avoiding the question. "Fine" is my reply. Well thats the truth - it was fine because i didn't see her which in my book was fine. Don't get me wrong, she's a great GP i just give up on seeing people because no-one (proffessionals not family) seems to care what's going on, on the inside anymore, all they care about is that i'm acting normal and not trying to kill myself it feels like.

Then it isn't long before the questions are fired again; "no lunch today?" i go on the defensive; "yes! why?!" "just not many dishes, a ramekin and a teaspoon" "so you're saying i'm lying?! what is this an interrogation??!!"

she walks away, saying she's not going to ask anymore, and won't bother in future. We both know that will last a few days, a week at the most.

Saturday, 4 October 2008

Too much pain

Everyone thinks i've stopped. I'm praying no-one has found this blog and realised who i am. That i am still anonomous. Right no though i almost don't care. If they have maybe they'll see that all is not ok. That at this moment in time i wish my life were over. I don't know why i feel so low. I don't know why i hate my self so much and that all i can feel inside is pain and hatred.

I want to self distruct. I want an end. If it weren't for mum,david and nan and grandpa i think i'd quite happily end my life, in fact i wouldn't have ended it years ago, goodness know i came close but these days i live my life for them.

Crying just doesn't get it out my system and neither doesn't cutting anymore, it seems. I think i need a new blade, this one just hasn't caused the damage or pain i deserve and need to get the pain out of my head. i want to attack the top of my arm again and again now i've started.

These feelings just aren't going. It's i'm going to have to go over the edge before i can come back again. Over the edge and right down to the bottom where i crash and burn. I was to destroy and attack.

They all think i don't self harm anymore, not in the way of cutting at least. They all think its just the anorexia now. If only they new. If only they knew what a mess i really am. They think i'm ok, because i don't show it how i used to. Just because i don't overdose, cut myself, blood let or do any of the other things i used to that i'm ok. Or at least that i'm better than i was. I'm working part time again so i must be getting better.

I feel like i wish i was dead again - is that really better than before? Isn't that back to the same as before? Just because i don't want to let people down and don't show my injuries, just because these days i deal with it by keeping my weight down and refuse to gain weight despite having a BMI under 15 - does that really mean i've moved on in life and made progress?

I don't really think so.

Thursday, 2 October 2008

Why won't it sink in?

I'm sat watching a programme about an 8 yr old annorexic. They are featuring some of the other kids at Rhodes Farm as well. A 16yr girl they showed being weighed...... 43.75 kilos..... she's still there and obviously still not at a weight where they are happy for her to leave.......

she weighs more than me. i'm 6 years older than her. i know i'm not that tall, but i doubt i'm much shorter than her, if at all.

Yet today i've hated myself, i've battled my appetite all day. I've eaten far more than i feel i should, so to stop myself from eating things i shouldn't and that are higher in calories i've eaten mandarins by the bucket load. 3 for breakfast, 2 at lunch, then 2 more, then 4 after dinner. i shouldn't have had the hot chocolate tho, hate myself even more now. even if it was "Skinny Cow" and 37 kcal. Especially as my weight was up again this morning....... never mind, physical work in the freezing cold should help sort that out tomorrow, even if i have to exhaust myself.

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

J - Father figure or Fancy?

I don't know what it is about him. I don't know how i feel about him. When he speaks to me i feel safe and warm inside. I trust him. Maybe its because he calls me J**, not J**** as i introduce myself or J******* like my family call me.

But do i feel happy and safe because i fancy him? i don't think so, i think it goes back to the same old issue of a father figure. Its exactly the same feeling i got with M, again old enough to be my father (although i'm not sure J is, probably technically he is). Maybe i wish J was an older brother, like T at school. Mum always wanted T and i to get together as a couple, but the bond we had wasn't that kind, it really was more like brotherly/sisterly love.

But why when i feel safe, did i burst into tears in the car on the way home? Is it that i can't handle him being so nice to me? Is it that i feel like i'm lying to him because he doesn't know my story?

why can't i understand my emotions and feelings regarding others?

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

I've found it............

I know, it's far too early on in the journey of this blog to say I've found Sanity, and to be totally truthful although though it made be feel better and i enjoyed it, the eating disorder took over in the end and ruined it. In fact a lot of it was the eating disorder anyway.

I spend yesterday baking. I was going to take into D's work today when i go in this afternoon to help him out with a boring task that is running out of time to be done. Hopefully i'll get more done this time so long as there isn't another fire drill! Anyway, it was an experimental recipe, but not experimental as in 'i made it up', more the ingredients used. It made really easily aand baked nicely too but the final product just wasn't nice enough to be served.

After making it i allowed myself to try a small square, knowing full well that the recipe stated it was 176 a square (maybe slightly less as i'd used margarine not butter and had substituted half of the sugar for sweetner) which is far from anything i'd normally allow myself. Most days breakfast isn't that many calories! The sponge was nice and moist with a lovely flavour and the raisins that were in it plump and juicy (dried fruit is something i would say in my mind is a vice of mine, i can't resist it) but the other main ingredient was very very bitter despite the sweetness of the sponge. I decided to leave it for M and D to try some later, and after much convincing M that she wasn't going to hurt my feelings, she admitted it wasn't all that nice and that she too still had a bitter aftertaste in her mouth. She wasn't going to hurt my feelings, it wasn't nice - i told her that from the start! And in fact she would probably have helped me more if she had said outright so that i could have got D to put it out on the bird table when he was outside after dinner. But no. She had to wait until they had oth gone upstairs so i was left alone with the damn cake.

I just couldn't stop myself. I picked out all the raisins and picked off bits of the sponge that didn't have any of the bitterness. I have so little self control. All i have to do was break the squares up a bit more and put them out side, but instead i probably ate 2 squares worth of sponge and raisins. Fortunately the sponge had so many chunks of the bitter ingredient that the sponge was thinly distributed around it, and when it had stuck to it too it meant i couldn't get of hold as much. Finally then M came downstairs so i had to stop. I just wish i had more self control and discipline, it used to be such a strength of mine. Whats worse is today i know she might open a new box of cereal which will contain LOADS of raisins - which i really really love but are just far too high in calories for me right now.

Thing is i really enjoy the baking process, i have such fun, i love creating and i know it some thing i'm good at. Last week i made a couple of batches of muffins to take with me to D's work. They were healthily adapted (apparently most of his office are on a diet) and still warm when i got there. Everyone loved them! I'd love to try and make beetroot muffins but I'm too scared i'll like them and eat too many - in fact eating one would be wrong.

See despite the above, the sensible part of my brain knows my BMI is still under 15 and that i could do with gaining at least another stone and even then i think i'd still be classed as underweight, but then the eating disorder pipes up again "But you've already gained 3/4 of a stone - thats plenty thank you very much!"

And i do like the way i feel now. i don't feel too fat, or too skinny as i did when i was at my lowest weight but then i think i have finally lost all perspective on how i look. It used to be i could see the skinny person but then it changed so i only saw it when i looked in the mirror and at photos, yet when i looked down at my body i saw "normal". More recently i've seen "normal" in the mirror too, yet the photos still showed me the truth. I thought this was due to the fact i'd gained weight, but i've lost weight again since then so how can this be? Now i don't even ssee it in the photos and as i haven't gained any weight, i question if this is really the truth i see. Has the anorexia finally got a solid grip on my brain?

So there we are sanity is in baking; creating, making people happy and feeding other (trying hard not to feed myself along the way). However the madness return as soon as the timer goes and the baking it over, and once again the battle resumes itself.

Looks like a hard day ahead of restricting and compensating for yesterday. To make it worse it's weigh day too i can only pray that my 4 hours work at the farm over the last few days and the fact that dinner was lighter in calories (large stuffed marrow with ratatouiile and 120kcal of Feta and a mandarin for pudding) will help me. See there we go, back with the eating disorder again.
How do i convince myself i'm underweight? how do i let myself eat again?

Sunday, 14 September 2008


I don't want to feel anything anymore. The only things i do feel seem to be unhappy. The self hatred and disgust is stronger than ever. All i seem to do is let people down. I was hoping i'd never feel this way again. I guess it was too good to be true. It's when the phrase from Robbie William's song "Feel" ringers truer than ever.

"I don't want to die. But i ain't keen on living either"
I don't want to die. But after another day of bursting into tears and feeling totally inadequate and on top of that battling with feeling like i'm losing control, eating too much and being a fat pig, it's just too much again.
I want someone to just take it all away, but i know its never going to leave me. My mistakes and failures of the past will always be there to bite me on the backside, and will never leave me.
I haven't felt this low in a long time and it scares me. Scares me and depresses me further, because once again there seems no way out. It's 3 years ago to the day, tomorrow, that i drove my car into a ditch, and 3 years on all thats changed is i have a little more strength to stop myself from doing such drastic things and acting on my impulses. The emotions and feelings don't seem to have changed, neither have the thoughts, i still think about all the things i could do to myself and feel i deserve.
Perhaps i should drive the long way round to the doctors tomorrow..........save "de ja vu" of 3 years ago. I just don't trust myself right now.

"Take anything he says with a pinch of salt right now...."

That's easy for you to say, you're not the one he's making digs at! Yes, i know when he goes hypo he's gets ratty and stroppy and some of the time probably doesn't even remember what he's said. However that doesn't help the way i feel much, because the words still get to me.

You're talking to the person here, who you told earlier takes things the wrong way, or takes things to heart too much - oh, and also "hear's things" the way she "wants hear them". Can you not accept that maybe what you say comes across in the wrong way? and that different people interpret things differently. You say you're not giving me mixed messages but then why do i get so confused and angry?

"You need some thing to do during the day, you need to see more people and meet people" - So i went out got a part time job. I've only managed to do one day so far and last night you tell me i'm taking too much on, simply because i went into town after i stood picking off mouldy strawberries for 2 hours. So now i've got this job (all of 6 hours a week to start with!) am i not allowed to do anything else? Am i supposed to stay indoors, rest and do nothing?

You want to blame anything physically that goes wrong, like the nausea and previously the upset stomach, on me and the things i do. How can Friday's nausea be blamed on a stressful day? Thursday was the first day at the new job, so surely if i had felt that way on wednesday or thursday then maybe? But Friday? So i had to pop to the corner shop to pick a few things before i could whip up a couple of batches of muffins for David's work collegues. A few muffins for me are hardly difficult, it's not like its a complicated process, having baked plently on different things before. A couple of hours sorting cards into alphabetical order in a quiet office out of the way - again hardly stressful. And so what if i popped into Asda before i came home? It was en route, i found what i wanted and was in and out within 5 minutes!

Please explain to be why that morning should cause me so much stress that i should feel so nauseus that i completely lost my appetite and didn't get round to eating lunch until about 3pm! It's not like the afternoon ahead of me was going to be out of the ordinary and taxing, I mean i do the shopping at Tescos every Friday.

But of course "i wasn't blaming you" or saying "you bring it on yourself" - well please tell me what you call it because i'd love to know!

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Feeling a Fraud

I hadn't wanted to start with a post like this but I feel so..... I don't know how to describe it. Low, i guess. We had a guy round this afternoon to see about cavity wall insulation. I don't think it helped that english wasn't his first language but he just made me feel like benefit scrounging scum. Because i claim income support we will get the insulation for free. He didn't bother to think that i may not be working for a reason. He seemed to assume that i just didn't have a job and was looking for work, despite me mentioning i'm starting a part time job tomorrow, which i'm terrified about as it is. If i didn't feel like enough of a fraud already i've just had it confirmed within my mind now for sure! As he left he said (in his poor english) "Go find a job. A good one." i know a lot of it was language issues and i don't think it came across how he meant it to. He didn't say it in a nasty way, but it sure felt that way.

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