Thursday, 28 November 2013

Feeling human

I text my mentor earlier to let her know where to meet next week and also thank her for the session today as although it is her job I still wanted her to know I appreciate her time. I told her how I felt more human after the stresses and lows of the last 2 weeks,  but in doing so and thinking about it more and also on receiving her reply I realised that it possibly would be better to go back to how I have been managing. 

I left feeling a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, yet now,  7 hours on i just feel hurt, vulnerable, isolated and alone yet again.  I have barely cried in the last week but after a human, non-serious conversation this afternoon which felt fine, in fact I actually felt relaxed for once, while we were together during the session - I have now spent all evening rereading the reply to my text and wishing partly that I hadn't let her in because yet I feel like that scared, lost and lonely girl who just wants some comfort. 

I know that is not her role and I'm so conscious these days of not over stepping the boundaries after a teenage catalogue of disasters over issues like that. But at the same time that screwed up side of me is reappearing longing for physical comfort and someone to talk to and share my tears with.

This course is making me question whether my past has been resolved or whether the past 2 seemingly successful years have been a lie, ignoring a flaw within me that I will never escape.

Maybe this occupational health doctor is right to want a psych assessment of me?  Or maybe I've just let him put too much doubt in my mind. I do feel though that old insecurities are creeping back in but if I let anyone know it could spell the end of my journey and yet again I will viewed as the messed up little girl who can't let go or move on and is incapable of leading a 'normal' life.

Friday, 22 November 2013

Making a Mess

I wish someone could clean up the mess i've made. At 2am though its either me or a 15 minute drive in a car that is frozen over.

I wish i could get someone to do it for me.  To take care of me but i can't let it show either.  The paperwork trail is too dangerous as well.

If someone would do it for me anonymously with no stress, where i could just relax with no fear of repercussions.

But if i sleep now the mess will be worse when i wake up - and i'll have to set my alarm for 4 hours time rather than the 5 it is currently set for.

One day i'd love to provide this service to someone else - although they might still have to defrost their cars during winter.

 
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