Monday, 27 April 2009

Are these girls really healthy (role) models?

I hitched a ride to a shopping centre with mum on saturday, where she as meeting up with a friend. I was worrying and panicing about bingeing and eating my way round the mall rather than acting like a normal person and actually looking in shops (most of which are clothing/fashion). But my fears of that had gone by saturday morning as by thursday/friday old eating patterns were resumed due to the reality (and horror) of my weight gain. But just incase i took a look at the centre's website to see if there were any events going on over the weekend. From 11am until 5pm there was a fashion show/catwalk etc to promote The News of the World's new fashion magazine/suppliment Fabulous.

Now fashion, clothes, make-up, nails, hair - well maybe not so much hair, but the rest of that list are really not my thing. I never have been a girly girl, in fact mum used to say i should have been born a boy (that was probably when i was up a tree or playing football!), and although if i'm going out i do make an effort, other than that i don't wear makeup and live in tracksuit bottoms. I often wonder though how much of that is me and how much of that is down to depression. When i was on my high last week after coming back from the coast looking fatter slightly healthier, i did put on a nice purple top i got from Next and a pair of jeans rather than tracksuit bottoms. But it really didn't last very long, and i know my mood has slipped back to where it was before that fateful saturday.

Anyway i thought the event would keep me occupied for the day with a bit lot of walking in between. As i expected it wasn't my thing really, but queuing in line to have a mini manicure by Nails Inc. killed plenty of time, not that the results lasted very long, as i managed to wipe the varnish off of 2 of the nails by picking up my bag as i left. It didn't bother me too much though as the baby pink colour that i selected looked awful on me, but then i don't think bright blue, orange, red or the few other bright colours (poor selection) would have looked any better!
As i was queuing Jenni Falconer and Marvyn Williams, introduced ex-Atomic Kitten Liz McClarnon (I prefered her doing Celebrity Masterchef even if she does have a nice voice), and other challenges to win goodie bags. They then had a catwalk showing clothing, shoes etc from varoius highstreet stores including Next, Newlook, Dorothy Perkins and River Island. I think its safe to say i shalln't be rushing out to buy this years summer "must haves" unless i want to look, well i'm not sure what word to use to describe how i'd look, but it just wouldn't look right.
What did catch my eye though was the young models who were wearing the clothes (although some of them looked like they were missing half (or more) of the fabric! Sorry, grumpy old woman side of me coming out there). Most of them looked great on the catwalk despite the ridiculous shoes they had given them to wear.....

Maybe i'm wrong but they certainly seemed more like girls than women to me, teenagers i think, and most of them looked very pretty and more importantly healthy and happy (apart from one who looked like she really did not want to be there). Now i know this may seem hypocritical, but my issues with eating and food have never been affected by skinny models and the fashion industry, as is so commonly assumed. I think i have have been affected by the media in other ways though, for instance, constantly being told we are becoming a nation of obese people, or cut down on this, or don't eat that for a risk of such and such. But when i saw 2 of the girls on that catwalk, i wondered how the modelling agency could justify using girls whose ribcages were clearly showing and shoulder blades stood out a mile. Yes, they looked happy, but were they healthy? Compared to the rest of the models there was an obvious difference. How would you feel if you saw this girl at a fashion show?

She was my favourite of the 7/8 girls, but then that may have had something to do with the clothes they had given her to wear, and i wouldn't mind a pair of those trousers but i'm not sure they would work on someone of petite height rather than 5'9" which is the minimum height the model scout said they ideally looked how. So compare now with these two young girls.

Unfortunately with my shakey hands, zooming in and them moving constantly the picture quality isn't that great. However i think you can just about see her shoulder blades. Now this is where i wonder if my views of others are distorted as well as those of myself. You see i think my shoulders blade would show like that if i were to be wearing that top, and i know i'm not at a healthy weight.

My other concern was this young girl.

Now I'm sure this isn't just my warped brain. I'm sure she can't be this skinny and be healthy.

Again she looked happy, but i wondered what the other younger girls watching were thinking. There were all ages there, and to my eyes some of the younger kids looked a little chubby but then i remind myself that younger children do still have "puppy fat" and that not every child fits with the media's portrayal of a child being fed burger and chips constantly, or given takeaway through the school railings by the parents and playing on computer games constantly. This is where i am affected by the media more.

To be honest i don't know what the rules on "size zero" models are, as i don't really follow fashion, is just what i pick up via the News. I thought in the UK they'd stopped all that, but i guess that is mainly focusing on the high flying London fashion models. Maybe Select don't think it matters for smaller modelling events where there are likely to be just as many people watching.

As i said to mum when i bumped into her at lunch (which wasn't all a bad thing as then she knew i had eaten) she asked me what it was like, they were as healthy as i am. Mum's reply "That says it all".

There are more photos of the day's event here. I'm not sure how long the link will stay active for, as magazine tend to change things fairly frequently.

Thursday, 23 April 2009

Failure or lucky escape?

So much for my cycle ride. I got to the next village and had to give up. Luckily it was about the time the bus was due, so i chained my bike to a post and walked to the nearest bus stop. The laptop, plug and lead, my picnic and £6 worth of pennies and 2p coins was heavier than i expected. I got to the edge of the village and burst into tears. I felt depressed, alone and once again i wanted my mum. That pathetic little child feeling.

So do i count this as a failure? Or just a lucky escape from the punishments of anorexia?

On the up side (or at least from the control point of view, so possibly not so good from the real logical point of view) I managed to stick to one large bowl of cereal this morning. and i have my grapes, and due to phoning mum in tears (yet again) i should be able to stick to my sandwich and fruit as it is all already made. The negative to this is really one of my reasons for cutting back - hopefully to try and lose some of the stone i've gained. I can't believe my weight and i feel so disgusted with myself. Its done a good job of killing my appetite though.

Must dash if i'm to get the bus back, just thought i'd try out the wifi in the local library. IE works but not messenger it seems. Perhaps i'll learn more when i have more than 10 mins to have a go with it!

time to get the bus back to my bike, cycle home as fast as i can then drive like a manic to meet mum - sounds like just the thing i'm in the mood for, which means i probably shouldn't do it! never mind!

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Its that time of day where i feel like if i were catholic i should be going to confession.

Forgive me Father for other than breakfast (large bowl of cereal), lunch (sandwich, cake and fruit) and dinner (jacket potato, cottage cheese, salad and cake), today i have eaten......

  • 1 Bournville chocolate bar
  • 1 slice of bread and flora extra light
  • 1 large bowl of cereal
  • 1 banana
  • 1 whole bunch grapes
  • 1 McDonalds Cheeseburger
  • 2 Fudge Mini bars
  • 1 Dairy Milk Mini bar
  • another banana
  • and by the end of the night 95g dried fruit.

And hopefully thats it.

Saw M today. "you're doing the right thing" Because thats why i feel like i'm about to self destruct, thats why my thighs are black and blue because my belt buckle 'landed' there (repeatedly) this afternoon, thats why i ran away to brighton. "i'd expect you to feel like this" Is that supposed to reassure me?

Apparently my gain of 5.2kg isn't noticeable (in which case you may as well lose it again - shut up brain!) to M either just like K. I told her what i'd been scoffing and she said calorie wise an inpatient meal plan would be more than what i was eating. Maybe i have lost perspective of how much a normal person eats and what a normal diet is, but i'm pretty sure the past couple of weeks food that i've eaten ISN'T normal.

I confessed about fixing my weight with fluid the last time i saw her, but it became clear (as i thought) that had she seen that i'd lost more weight that week, she would have found a bed where ever she could and would have had me sectioned if i didn't agree which i wouldn't have. She said that the place i'm in, is when most people ask for an inpatient stay, which until she said about the meal plan being greater than my intake of cakes and chocolate, i was willing to ask for. Now, and having explained all this to mum, I'm not so sure, and neither is mum.

I hope the way today has made me feel, together with my feelings for my appointment with K yesterday, will help me to regain control. Today i managed to stick with grapes (mum's suggestion) rather than the dolly mixtures i was craving (but luckily didn't find in tesco although i could have gone to the old fashioned sweet shop round the corner!) so maybe this is the start of good things. M also said at my current rate of eating the weight gain would probably plateau, which felt like no great shame! So....... if i regain some structure and cut back on the snacking.....oh and do some more exercise........bye bye Recovery! Like anorexia you weren't invited either! certainly not in the way you've made yourself known.

Tomorrow i plan to cycle to the town, to go to the local market, and plan to take my laptop (if it fits in the rucksack and i can cycle with it) and after getting some grapes from the market and the local paper, the plan is to keep my backside in that library. I shall not be taking money for anything other than the grapes and paper, therefore there shouldn't be any temptation to buy and eat anything else. i might take money for a drink but i will take a sandwich and fruit from home.

Have i let anorexia back in? or did it never leave? Did i ever start the process they call recovery? What was the last 11 days? I don't know but i don't like it. And i wish i could snap my fingers and change things back to the way they were. I know it would be disappointing to mum but i'm sure she'd rather that than me so unstable again that i'm scared of myself.

I feel like i have more control tonight. After that final snack of dried fruit (which i won't be doing again like that, although i may buy the kiddies snack boxes - maybe it is just another passing craving) tonight, i could happily eat another bag but i have that strength and willpower. i just hope i can stay in control like this tomorrow, because i feel more stable and a lot calmer.

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Obesity here we come!

9.30pm snack and drink: Options Hazelnut Hot Choc, Slice of bread with flora and a hot cross bun with flora.



i'm just going to become another obesity statistic and when they pick on me for being overweight, i'll tell them its their fault for encouraging me to carry on eating when i told them i was out of control and couldn't stop.

(Let the same be said if i go into heart failure from refeeding syndrome, or end up killing myself from the stress)

"Dare to be Normal"

K asked me today what will happen when the time comes that i am expected to live a normal life. So it seems now my mood has lifted a bit and i'm eating enough, that this means i'm ok.

i walked back feeling like i could quite happily go home and either OD or slash my arms to bits. Not thoughts i want to go back to. I had to bring myself back from the edge of compulsive actions and remind myself how disappointed mum would be. I just felt so angry.

Then of course i got home and wanted to comfort eat. Stuck to a banana, finished the bag of fruit mix and have just had a bowl of cereal. i wanted to go down to the tea room for a huge slice of cake, stopping off for a couple of chocolate bars at the co-op. I must remember COMFORT EATING WILL NOT HELP! Am still hungry though. Another bowl of cereal should shut the brain up. I fancy branflakes and a banana now. Tearoom has closed by now (4.30pm) anyway. i think i shall be going out to buy more milk tomorrow. Think i should get a 2 pint of skimmed for mum and especially me the rate i'm getting through it.

Oh and the sore throat is due to an ulcer there. I'm guessing the scratch from the baguette a week ago turned into the ulcer. The one from the weekend under my tongue is taking its time to heal too. oh well my own fault i guess, malnutrition was going to take its toll somewhere and apparently the lining of the mouth is very quick to lose its condition.

Now where's that cereal...........

too much? too little? where's the middle ground?

I think i may be close to finding it. Today is the most successful morning i've had, all i need to do is continue it until i go to sleep tonight.

Food wise, i'm talking about here.

  • 2 large bowls of cereal (1 tesco healthy living museli and branflakes, the other tesco healthy living museli and maple and pecan crunch)
  • an apple
  • a banana
  • half of one of my 95g portions of dried fruit.

wow! Nope, i lie. i had 2 squares of dark cooking chocolate - it's ok there's only about 4 squares left now.

I cycled a total of 18 miles this morning, with a couple if hills i had to push the bike up. My thighs aren't quite that strong yet. i went to a supermarket to get a pot noodle (to cross off my craving list) and picked up a bunch of soft ripe bananas too because the apple hurt my throat quite a bit this morning and i can't eat citrus right now because the acid causes even worse pain. Anorexia is still there with me i guess, or could i class a bike ride to counteract something more unhealthy not as disordered eating but as healthy living?

A strange thing happen while i was sitting eating my fruit mix and banana at tesco. This little old indian lady, whose english wasn't brilliant, asked me how much i weighed. when i boldly said i didn't know as i was recovering from anorexia, i'm not sure she understood me, or if she did i'm not sure she grasped the concept of anorexia as she continued to ask questions. she said she was losing weight and it was almost like she wasn't sure how much she should weigh. Maybe it was the language barrier but some of the questions really sounded like they were coming from someone with an eating disorder.

"Do you think you are slimmer than me?" she asked me. Well, no i didn't but then i haven't got a clue how distorted my views of size are any more. Then her taxi arrived and without another word she followed the driver who had picked up her shopping for her.

A most bizarre conversation.

oh well. i'm off to see if chicken and mushroom pot noodles are how i remember them.

Medication - mask or managment?

I know i have mixed views about medication but i don't think i can deny the fact that there haves been changes since being on the full dose. But will this mean i'll now be expected to live perfectly "normally"? I still feel like i'm on a rollercoast but i'm not sure that will settle until the eating/appetite settles itself.

But what will people think of me? Will i be expected to work full time? Move out of home? get a social life? make friends?

Or is the medication just masking the problem? Hiding the true me? Should i instead be changing my name to "Lofepramine Belle"?

Post Prompted by

Monday, 20 April 2009

Truths and Tears

Lots of words said between me and mum last night. She still doesn't seem to appreciate how much distress last week caused me with my out of control appetite. She said i look like i have a bum now!

So after yesterdays diet "the old way" (apart from 3 mini choccie bars after the arguments/heated discussion) i'm trying again with the "eat what/when i want" and actually i've had a mini choc bar, a hot cross bun, some cheese and a bowl of porridge and you know what i feel like i can stop. The niggeling feeling is still there but it's managable. I hope.

Anyway i need to get off my backside and go and see the Boss Man at the farm, who i expect will now let me work. At least i hope he will. Might have to stop off at the local farm shop to see if they have anything on my list of cravings just so i can cross them off.... any excuse!

oh and my weight did settle down a bit, only a lb but i think it shows it will take a while to even out after a week of stuffing myself.

Anyone got anything they think i should try or add to my "to eat" list?

Sunday, 19 April 2009

Backdated - Wednesday 15th, First day by the sea.

Well it seems old habits die hard. I stopped at the services on the way down, needing a drink. Of course as calories no longer matter i thought i might try something other than a diet coke. Hmmm, ok so maybe calories do still matter. Over 300kcal for a bottle of Mars milkshake type drink. I found i wasn’t really willing to go with that yet (or ever i think!) so i settled with a diet Irun Bru and bought an apple to. That was after a breakfast of a huge bowl of Branflakes and Maple and Pecan Crunch, and the a Slice of toast.

I stopped at Tescos to pick up some salad bits, and left with a 150g bag of dried baby figs too. So quite controlled i think.

Made it to the Fish place/shop and got myself a cooked crab for dinner.

Had a coleslaw sandwich for lunch with some cucumber in there too and a mandarin to finish.

I got my family history research out and we all spent a good few hours looking at bit and grandpa bought out and old writing desk and some old coins dating back to 1797!!!

While i was sat there i could hear anprexia calling. “you’re eating all these extra calories and sitting on your arse getting fat...MOVE!”

So i decided to go for a walk. I walked down one hill and up the other side. Found my way to a Forfars Bakers – they had my obsession – Bread pudding! So i decided to take that back for my afternoon snack. But knew i couldn’t go out on my own without having more than one thing. So ended up walking back with a Toffee Crisp. Anorexia was with when i was chosing the chocolate bar. Double Decker? Yorkie? Lion? More calories in a Yorkie, shouldn’t have that.

Hmmm oh well, i guess i shouldn’t have thought i’d lose my tag along over night. I did think it was a bit to good to be true.

Anyway i should go and get my dinner ready – only 5.30 but they eat earlier that us at home.

Grandpa is pushing things a bit but i think i’m fending him off quite well.

Back to the old routine?

I got on the scales this morning to see how my new "diet" had affected things, can you believe i almost forgot to do it! In 10 days i've gained 10lb. Thats a pound a day!! I think thats a little too fast. Things have got to change. Either i do a heck of a lot more exercise, or i cut back on the food. I think the food is more the issue, i need to somehow gain more control.

But i'm running out of ideas. I've tried going with cereals and wholegrain stuff as is suggested with the GI index. I've tried dried fruit to fill me but it just takes at least 250g of the stuff to do so and i know thats healthier but its still so high in calories (ok i know thats not a bad thing but i think anorexia is fighting back here).

My current weight puts my BMI at 14.4 which is almost reassuring to my anorexic side but then that also sets off thoughts in my brain that say its still ok to eat more, but then anorexia bites back and pulls me back into line.

I really can't deal with whats going on in my head. I cried myself to sleep last night as i lay there with thoughts of self harm that were so distressing, and the thing is i'm scared i'm going to carry them out before long through sheer desperation at trying to handle the conflict in my head.

hopefully we'll go for a bike ride this morning, maybe that will clear my head and my conscience a bit. All i've got to do is make sure that if i work up an appetite that i keep in under control. Fingers crossed, and maybe my incredibly sore throat will help althought it didn't stop me last night!

Saturday, 18 April 2009

This Little Piggy......

Well i'm home after my trip to the seaside, after a pretty disasterous final day. Maybe i can put it down to the stress of knowing that running away for a few days, 95 miles away won't solve the issue. I had no web access down there due to staying with a couple who push their technology skills to a DVD player and digital TV at the most, but then its just a generational thing really. Anyway i typed up a post and saved it to my laptop so i'll find that later and put it up.

But to today. Dare i list todays food list? If you don't like tales of greed i suggest you stop reading here because this little piggy really went to market again today.

Well it started at about 6.15am with about 4 chocolates (grandpa opened the packet last night and i wish he hadn't), then after a drink i continued with a Mandarin. Before breakfast i popped out to get grandpa's paper as his knee was hurting him, and came back with the paper.........and stashed in my bag a double decker, a small packet of Dolly Mixtures (both childhood favourites) oh and the empty wrapper from the ginger bread man i had munched down on the way back from getting the newspaper.

So then i had a large bowl of cereal for breakfast (a mix of museli, fruit and fibre and some other mixture they had in a jar) before setting off to get the shellfish for Nan's birthday lunch. On the way to the fishmonger i devoured the double decker, which was just as good as i remember and as i set off back home i opened the dolly mixtures. But of course this just didn't touch the sides, so i stopped at a tescos express and decided on a chicken caesar wrap. What i really fancied was something like a hot cheese and onion pasty, but sadly there was nothing hot there. Also on the way home i stopped off at the Walk In Centre/A and E because my throat was so sore by this time that swallowing liquid was painful, but this couldn't match the power of the hunger. With all the ulcers in my mouth now (i think it's one ulcer and the rest is just where I've managed to bite my own cheek) Nan suggested that maybe my throat had gone the same way but the doctor said he couldn't see any sign of infection but that it did look inflamed. It feels like I've been trying a career as a flame thrower personally. But he gave me a prescription for a spray (which i have to say has so little affect i may as well not bother!)

So of course after getting back with the crab and bits, i had to go for a walk to find a chemist for the spray. Could i manage to go past the shop without going in there? Don't be silly. In fact i had to go further on (up a steep hill) to the 2nd chemist because the 1st didn't stock the spray. By going to the 2nd chemist I passed the bakery.......where i got myself a piece of bread pudding. Forget wine connoisseurs, i could be a bread pudding connoisseur! but then i decided i wanted something savoury, so got a warm cheese straw. Which i ate on the walk back.

Before lunch i felt like i needed to walk some of the bloatedness off, or i was worried i wouldn't be able to eat enough of lunch to hide the fact that i'd already eaten a lot more than just the bowl of cereal. So i took a walk into town for a couple of hours but on my way back to the bus stop spotted a pack of 6 chocolates that were half price, very nice ginger and caramel chocolates. I mean i could have bought the pack of 2 mini ginger and lemon slabs that were the same price in the sale, but i decided to spend the same amount of money on less chocolate so i would only be able to eat those six instead of 2 mini slabs. I put them in my bag for after lunch.

For our late lunch we had a seafood platter with bread and salad. I'm sure i ate more than everyone else, which for me included 2 slices of bread, 2 scallops, 3/4 large tiger prawns, a smoked trout fillet, a few mussels and clams and some salad. Finally after that i was feeling tired and slugish but more importantly full. However by the time it came to the drive home that full feeling was subsiding. I "tidied up" 1/2 an apple as otherwise it would have just been put in the compost bin, we packed the cars and headed off. I did fel sad leaving but i think a lot of my anxiety was about returning home, knowing that these 3 days away didn't help much in the way of stopping me from over eating. So i used my 6 chocolates to calm my anxiety as i left the coast heading north. But by half was where i stopped for a quick break my mouth was dry, i needed a drink and left the shop with a couple of bottles of drink.......and a Yorkie bar, which got me through the final hour of my journey.

Back at home, the tears and stress have started already. Mum doesn't know what to say or do. I feel like i'm being so greedy in what i'm eating. But since i've been home tonight i've had a mandarin, a large bowl of cereal, a toasted hot cross bun and a couple of slices of bread and low fat spread (which i also had on my bun). I just about finally feel full (ish) but i guess tired more than anything else, as it's been another stressful day and i haven't slept perfectly well the last couple of nights.

I don't know how i'm going to cope now i'm back home. I'm so tired emotionally i almost can't be bothered to fight the hunger, but it really isn't much fun eating something you should enjoy, whilst crying because you hate yourself so much for doing it and wish you could have a bit more self control. Mum thinks i should talk to M, but for some reason i just can't see she's going to have anything helpful to say. And i think K will be just the same on Tuesday.

Despite my throat feeling like i'm swallowing a razor blade (one thing i haven't actually ever tried suprisingly given my history) every time i swallow, i could still happily go downstairs now and find myself some chocolate. I'm so glad we don't have very big stocks of things like chocolate. And frustratingly i can't even really use lots of mandarins to shut my brain up and keep it occupied as i discovered tonight that the acid in them makes my throat even worse.

Chocolate doesn't though..................

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

Reassurance from other bloggers

Carrie over at ED Bites has posted something which contained words i really need to hear right now in a post about avoiding false choices

"I never eat cookies because I will eat the whole box.
I've been there. When I was first normalizing my eating after falling into more bulimic habits, I found that, indeed, keeping large quantities of binge foods around the house was a really bad idea. But now I can keep these foods around and eat fairly normal servings. It's not an either/or question. A happy medium exists. It takes time to figure this out, but it's definitely possible."

I feel fat as ever this morning, my cheeks feel like hamster pouches, my stomach feels like i'm pregnant and i'm actually too scared to get on the scales. i just want to hug mum and hang on forever but if i show her that side she just tells me "no-ones forcing you to go" which really doesn't help matters. Just because i'm crying doesn't mean i feel i'm being forced.
But sitting here crying now because i don't want to go means I need to remind myself of what happens when mum and D have left and gone to work and what happens if i'm on my own right now. I mean it was happening at 11pm last night with them in the house! I NEED to do this. even if i cry all the way there. Its going to be radio blasting and foot on the accelerator and i hope it works out.

I've got to give it a try. but first i need to make it in and out the supermarket to get my salad bits for dinner WITHOUT buying and eating a packet of hot cross buns for example. Self Control. I don't really need 6 hot cross buns! I don't need to buy the easter egg just because it is reduced to clear! Normal Eating is the aim of this weekend. One cake a day, thats all most normal people would have.

i need to get moving and get in the shower. wish me luck.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Still Hungry :(

after all this today:

oh i missed out 3 choccie eggs from thortons - creme egg sized 1, 2, & 3


i need to get a drink, dinner was quite salty and i thiknk its made me extra thirsty but i know i won't manage it without eating something. i think i'm going to grab a pear. if i decide up here i might stand a chance of not raiding the chocolate tin!

This is just far too much stress, so i'm running away to Nan's otherwise i will end up killing myself (and i'm not kidding!) or at least start cutting a lot more again. And at this rate it would be every couple of hours! I'm hoping with constant company and supervision i will stick to my "normal" meal plan. i just need to make it clear to nan that i need to stick to the plan i've typed up but i need her help to stick to it and not go over it. I don't think right now theres a fear of going under it!

its gone from one extreme to the other! i hope its not side effects from meds because if it is then its not going to go away......

Edit: dammit mum was still downstairs and in the lounge with the fruit bowl (sounds like cluedo!). glass of milk and 4 pack starburst again - oopps

Edit 2: so much for the pear - pear, chomp, mini curly wurly and mini dairy milk... i've really had enough of fightin me today....

Back on the Waggon

I wish i knew what was going on in my head. I foolishly got on the scales this morning, not a huge increase but any increase still sends messages to my brain like red alert signals.

I cried when mum left for work - panic about being alone and how i was going to get through the day i think. But then something snapped inside again and i got myself a bowl of branflakes and maple and pecan cereal with milk, something i haven't done in years. Trouble was then i'd started the appetite off and wanted more and more. So i had a mandarin to try and combat the hunger without going into binge mode, yet when i went to make a drink i still couldn't resist a cereal bar.....grrrrr.

i wanted to try and make it a day of normal meals and snacks. i guess if i counted the cereal bar as a snack and just say i had it early? Hmmm, does that make me sound like i'm kidding myself? If i'm kidding myself does that mean i can have another snack when i'm out mid morning? STOP IT!!!

see this is what i'm battling in my head right now. But while i'm still so under weight can i afford to just let go a bit until i've gained the 2 stone i need to? will it sort itself out more once i've gained the weight?

i hope so because i'm not sure how else to deal with this. Perhaps staying with Nan is the right option. I'd be with someone 24/7 at least.

Monday, 13 April 2009

Mood Swings

I don't know what is going on in my head. Its like the anorexia is coming and going. I started the day with a breakfast of 2 mandarins and a very "past it" nectarine. Not exactly very substantial when you consider the plans for the day ahead - a 5 mile (at least) walk.

Yet then whilst we were out and stopped at a National Trust visitor centre for lunch i became a normal person, anorexia was no-where to be seen. I decided on a ploughmans and was considering something sweet for afters too, but came to my senses and decided i'd go back if i wanted something else, but by the time i'd finished the wedge of cheddar (which was disappointing to be honest, and the chutney that went with it was more like jam, far too sweet.) doorstep slice of bread (which i even spread real butter on!) and salad (including coleslaw) i didn't really need a cake. Despite feeling like i could have done, mum reminded me we'd be stopping in the next village for afternoon tea, and maybe i should leave it and perhaps have something there instead. Which is what i did in the end.

So with afternoon tea (or in my case a diet coke, as i didn't fancy tea) i had a slice (a very large helping) of carrot cake with a very sickly sweet icing on top. Which was divine. I was hoping they'd have some bread pudding - i really am obsessed with the stuff now. I dreamt about it all night last night, which really distressed me actually because i just couldn't get it out of my head.

On the way home i was praying we'd end up stopping to eat out for dinner. I had no plans or ideas as to what i was going to have otherwise. Although we stopped for a drink, because it was a Bank Holiday eating at the pub we'd stopped at wasn't really an option.

But in the 30 minutes it then took to get home the content i was planning for dinner went rapidly down hill and anorexia was firmly back with me. It went from a jacket potato with coleslaw, beetroot and other salad bits (like olives etc), then to a couple of slice of bread with beetroot, coleslaw and other salad bits, and finally to a bigger helping of coleslaw, beetroot and a tin of weightwatchers tuna mayo and sweetcorn on a big bowl of lettuce. I held back to a mandarin for pudding but have managed to allow myself my options hot chocolate. Anorexia is certainly back with me.

I almost feel suicidal i'm so on edge. The thoughts running through my head are not happy ones. Instead they are very destructive, very impulsive, very intrusive and very agressive.

I think a lot of it is fear about tomorrow. Today i managed to voice to mum about the suggestion of her making me my childhood favourite the way she used to do when i was little - macaroni cheese. But sitting here now, i'm praying the topic will never resurface.

Oh, and i text M today, telling her that i want a break and that her weighing me it making things worse. Which is true because after this long weekend i was planning to almost fast in preparation for seeing M on wednesday. Well even now my mood has been taken over by anorexia again i still don't plan on seeing her. I can't take another hour like last week - just sitting there almost in silence for over half the time. I've had enough of talking about life. Trouble is i don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow. I just don't trust myself to try and eat more when i'm alone because thats when i lose control and things go horribly wrong.

Despite the fact i've eaten more today i didn't feel at all guilty at the time about the ploughmans or the yummy cake. I don't feel over the moon about it now but i guess i'm not majorly stressed by it because my mind is now thinking i can sort it out over the next few days (i.e restrict) and also we did walk for a couple of hours at least today.

I just worry about how i'm going to fill my day without going near anywhere that might lead to temptation and get me started on something i can't stop again. Earlier in the day, around lunch time i was ready to ignore the scales, eat to gain weight and recover etc etc. But now tonight all that has gone again and tomorrow i expect i'll be back on the scales, restricting to the fruit and controlling my intake right down to the last drop of liquid.

Someone stop the roller coaster. Please? I want to get off.

Sunday, 12 April 2009

Serves me right.....

2lb up over night. Suddenly i don't feel hungry anymore. Suicidal maybe. I just want to cry. I'm so angry. The self hatred is overpowering. I don't deserve a thing today other than hard work.

Can't we rewind? I want to change yesterday please.

I hate consequences.

I don't think i'll be making that mistake again.

I hope not.

Saturday, 11 April 2009

It's scone too far......

Ok, so maybe suggesting lunch AFTER eating 5 cakes and a creme egg this morning wasn't such a good idea. My poor stomach is really suffering and the severe heartburn isn't all that great either. I just feel like i could sleep forever now and i think i might just have to. I'm hoping i'm still going to feel like this in a couple of hours time, so i won't want dinner.

Although having said that the bloating had gone down slightly, after a 3 mile walk after lunch with Mum and D and that final piece of bread pudding was playing on my mind - it was getting to me knowing it was sitting there still - so i ate it.......

Thing is if i want to avoid dinner completely tonight, then i might have to confess some of the other food to mum, because i don't think a cheese, tomato and onion toastie and a fruit scone with clotted cream and jam will cut it for her. Although she doesn't tend to argue these days and she doesn't tend to bother saying anything about what i do or don't eat. I did bring up the praise issue at lunch, but even then i still got nothing. She thought the scone with clotted cream was going too far, which yes it was but it wouldn't have been if it was just the toastie i had eaten, which is all she's seen.

Oh so much for good intentions. I don't know where this spurt came from but i think it can go back there to be honest! Why can't i do things in a controlled manner?

I think i'm going to curl up with the laptop and flick through Stumble to pass the time and distract me from the pain. Because it really hurts now. But at least there's nothing else i am craving in the house now! Plus i really don't want anything else. even a drink it a struggle.....

Stupid Susie.

Screw you anorexia! (well, so far today and for lunch but i doubt for dinner!)

I'm having a pretty screwed up day eating wise, but almost in a good way. Certainly in a "screw anorexia" way.

I chucked breakfast (mum and D were late getting up) and went to the farmers market. Like last week the thought was skip brekkie just incase i ended up buying something. Which i did. 3 things in fact. I ate 2 and bought one home for lunch.

Realising i needed petrol, i popped into town. Ok, so thats not true. I went into town because i wanted more bread pudding (like i say i'd already had 2 pieces and have one for later) and i knew 2 shops that sold it. Only one was open though. So that was only one more piece. But then i needed a white cabbage and whilst i was in the supermarket i bought a Cadbury's Creme Egg, which was possible a bit too sweet. I was on my "well i've started to i may as well carry on" path, which then lead me to the bakers where i picked up a fruit scone. I said i'd pop into Boots for mum, oh and while i was there i picked up a snack pack of raisins......

On the way back to the car i thought i'd see if Waitrose had any crab for dinner, they didn't. However somehow i did end up buying a oatmeal and raisin cookie.

And now i've suggested to mum going down to the tea room for lunch. where the plan is to order something with melted cheese. Mum doesn't know about all the other stuff though. I was going to try and go for a scone with clotted cream and jam after but i think i've made myself feel to ill already. Oh well i can always show her i'm trying with the bread pudding i still have in my bag, later on if i feel i can manage it.

I doubt this will continue to dinner, and tomorrow when i see the scales go up (i don't think they will even stay the same after today - let alone go down! i know i've walked but not that much!) i will freak out and things will go back to the way they were. Plus i fully intend going walking with them when they go either sunday or monday. But with the scales saying 4 st 12.75lb still. i know i'm not going to get fat in an instant and i'm currently trying to work through a bloated feeling.

I do feel kind of dizzy and strange though. I think it may be a bit of a sugar rush, unsurprisingly from what i've eaten. That and the fact i'm probably panicing like crazy so my brain is buzzing and going manic because my anxiety levels are also sky high. Just go to hold it together and calm down a bit. well 12.50pm - time to head out for lunch.

The hardest part? Not the eating really but feeling a lack of recognistion from mum and i know there will certainly be a lack of praise, i'm still not sure she knows how to. Oh well.

Thursday, 9 April 2009

ITV - The truth about online anorexia

probably shouldn't be watching this, but then again maybe at the same time it will hurt so much mentally that maybe i'll see past my eating disorder. And then again i expect i'll carry on crying tonight, cry myself to sleep and then wake up tomorrow morning and nothing will change.

Fearne Cotton's just interviewed a mother and the best friend of a girl who died aged 19 at 4 and a half stone. It hit hard because i'm only 6 lb from there. But what was my brain saying?

"Yeh, but i bet she was much taller than i am"

Trying to justify my own weight. I wish i knew if the girl died suddenly or whether she had any warning signs. Maybe if i knew that she had no warning it would help me see that i could be that close to it and not know it.

I got the report from the assessment today - basically just repeating what i said to her there and saying we know you are reluctant to come in as an inpatient but have a think about it - as if i'm going to change my mind just like that.

I feel so strange about fixing the scales yesterday with fluids. Perhaps its because deep down, the sensible part of me knows that i'm not just fooling M, but its just me sinking further into denial that i already am, if thats at all possible.

It's the long Easter weekend with Mum and D at home for 4 days instead of the normal 2. Today i cut back again because i know i'll eat more that i want to this weekend. You know all i can think of right now? "Please let Tuesday come quickly so i can counteract the horrors of this wekend"

Mum and D are planning on going for a walk somewhere this weekend, which will be a good 2/3 hours long at least. I feel too shattered and exhausted to want to move right now, yet there's a bigger part of me that says i should go with them because i am going to be eating more this weekend. If anything i know i should be eating extra especially if i'm planning on going walking.

I'm being a bit foolish posting this before bed really, although by upsetting myself maybe crying myself to sleep will get this out of my system before the long weekend ahead with Mum and D at home. So I have one final thought for today, which is something i have realised but perhaps not completely admitted to myself yet.

Maybe a big reason i'm reluctant to find the energy to fight this, is because if I'm not ill, mum won't care about me. She won't have a reason to care, to love me or to want me around.

And now i can't see for tears again, so Good Night.

Saturday, 4 April 2009

Why don't i learn??!!

More anger, more extra walking. Now time for some hard work in the garden, more compensation needed to counteract my mistakes.....

Stupid bread pudding. Why do i like it so much? Thank fully it was only a small piece, and in fact this one has far too much allspice in it, and i didn't like it as much.

Time to get my arse moving and do some hard gardening. The extra 30 minute speed walking wasn't enough. And there will be no bread with lunch or dinner.

Because i'm weak, pathetic and a poor excuse for....well - anything. Good job i didn't have that porridge really......

Drowning (posts ends v. anorexic thoughts)

Sorry i've been quiet. I've been slowly sinking and there's a huge part of me that just doesn't care. Bascially if they end up sectioning me, which is the only way they'll get me into a unit, it's my own fault because i'm asking for it. Mum's made it clear she'd put up no objections if it came down to it.

M said if i don't gain any weight over the next 2 weeks, after losing another something like another 1.5kg by her records (which tallys with what i'm reading on my scales.), then she's looking for a bed ASAP. Forget the waiting list, she's getting me a bed. This was what a part of me was hoping she'd say. But for some reson those words didn't sink in. Another part of my brain just sat there and said "It's ok. There's others who need the beds more than you and there's waiting lists a mile long. She'll never find a bed! Don't worry, it'll never happen."

I told M these thoughts, to which she assured me when she really needed a bed, she never had trouble getting one!

Maybe part of those words did sink in. Because i left there in a state and called mum. I finally said some of those things that i'd wanted to say. Things like having someone there at lunch, or going into work with D all day so i'm under a bit more pressure to eat. Even if its just my soup and a slice of bread right now. At the moment i'm lucky to allow myself the soup. But as usual i think it fell on deaf, or rather non-comprehending, ears. I wish i'd never opened my mouth.

The other thing thats i've done over the past couple of days is eat things that would normally be totally off my radar (but that are really tasty!). Thursday i spotted a cafe selling Bread Pudding. Not what they call bread pudding in the US and not British bread and butter pudding but something with a recipe like this or this, although i suspect the slab i had contained suet as well, so even more scary. So anyway i plucked up the courage, bought it and ate it as i walked round town. I hadn't actually had anything yet that day, and needless to say i didn't have anything til dinner after! And tried to walk as much as i could. I still don't think it was enough to counteract the stodge and i totally regret doing it.

Then yesterday for some reason despite hating myself i did it again! i did have 3 pieces of fruit before i decided to get off my backside and go into london, which i knew meant a lot of walking so therefore i could afford to eat something while i was out. I decided to go to Borough Market in search of spider crab and giant prawns, but of course ended up tasting lots of other things like brownies, cheese and then when i could see any bread pudding (which i had now of course got a taste for..... the reason why i shouldn't have gone there in the first place and started eating these things) i decided on something else for lunch/treat as i'd done lots of walking (but sadly also lots of tasting....grrrr! no willpower!). I'm all for trying something new, new cuisines, new produce etc etc. Borough is full of different things and things that are harder to get hold of but they are often more expensive of course. Anyway i bought some Salsify from a veg stall, some fudge for Nan and Raclette to eat then and there. I found this photo on flickr which although was taken 2 year ago, i swear it is still the exact same people! So basically potatoes (slightly crushed), salt, mini gherkins and pickled onions with melted cheese on the top. Then because of course i'd started i couldn't stop.

There was a cooking demonstration going on, and when i was offered a tasted of half a pancake with sliced banana, caramel sauce and chopped nuts, i caved once again. After that i was starting to stress, my two sides were starting to collide so i got walking, making sure to choose a route that was going to involve more walking that sitting on the tube. I still had to meet mum to do the shopping as well (where i tried to tell her what i'd done/eaten but it just ended in an argument and reminded me why i don't bother telling her about things, so i didn't mention the bread pudding from thursday). I couldn't let myself sit down on the hour tube journey on the way home, and plugged my ipod in making sure i was tapping my foot and fidgeting in time to the music. I didn't care how stupid i looked.

And of course i tried my hardest to compensate at dinner with a salad of low calorie cheese and roasted red onions. I did have a pomelo after, which i wish i could have held back from but did enjoy.

This morning i'm planning on going to a market, if nothing else just to walk some more. Mum and D aren't up yet and although breakfast (porridge oats with rhubarb) is there and ready, i might me able to get away with washing it down the sink. I don't normally waste stuff but i'm so stressed and with it being the weekend i'm going to have to eat lunch with them home.... I'm leaving in half hour, i warned mum i wanted to go, so i'm kind of glad they're not up yet.

So there you go. Susie Belle is more screwed up than ever! I question myself right now. Perhaps i do want to go into hospital but getting them to force me in is the only way its going to happen? Maybe i'm seeing this as a way out, but not via the hospital exit - i don't really think i want the cardboard box exit but i really don't know what i'm thinking any more.

Sorry for such a depressing and anorexic post. But i think it shows how much anorexia messes with your thoughts and your mind.

design by