Monday, 7 October 2013

Seeking Help to Maintain Sanity

I went to see an adviser today, who was suggested to me.   He was a slightly off the wall character but he had that air about him that made me feel reasonably safe and pretty sure that he had experienced mental health issues himself, which is what i had been told by my referrer.

He was quite relaxed about the whole thing and nothing i said seemed to phase him or worry him. He asked me if i had harmed. As usual i hate lying. With no details divulged i said yes.  "I have a student who self harms every day" he told me.  Was i supposed to be shocked, jealous, amazed? I don't know Was i supposed to try and compete with that?  Did he tell me to try and get more information out of me? By telling me they were still allowed to do their course, was he trying to see if i'd relax more and open up?

I have no idea what the purpose was.

By the time we'd chatted for an hour i had the feeling i wanted to scream slightly and maybe i  was inside.  I wanted to telling him that he has no fucking idea what was going around in my head, of the things i want to do to myself and that the harm i did last night was nothing and that i could quite easily take the full box of 48 400mg ibuprofen i have or the collection of benzo's and other sedatives i have.  Even after the ones i have taken in the last 2 weeks to help me get through (which was my intended use, it was not for a planned misuse), i know the damage i could do and the power i hold locked away in my room. But i also know i don't really want to end it for good, however although i walked away last time "i just wanted to go to sleep for a bit" I was a) extremely luck physically and b) they probably have a better crisis team here so i may not escape to easily there either.

But i couldn't tell him that.  Despite him knowing that i had harmed recently, which he didn't seem bothered by, i still don't have anyone that i can tell the whole truth to.  It's been ok in recent years when my head has felt calm but now the stress and anxiety levels are up, and instead of settling seem to be rising further, I once again have the fear of speaking out against myself.

If they really knew....what goes on in my messed up mind, how i want to take all the stress, hate, anger, frustration and fear out on myself.....They will never let me move onto the second part of my course in 6 weeks time. So yet again i am left crying to myself because i cannot turn to anyone and even if i could no one can take away the thoughts inside my mind.

I have no clue right now how i am going to get through the next 2 years.  I came in full on confidence like a bull in a china shop with such determination, telling myself i could do this and now i'm left simply trying not to fail again.

Its also just occured to me of what the hell am i going to do when these sedatives run out? How the hell am i going to sleep at night.

Mr Adviser said he was unimportant at the uni "until the shit hits the fan" when he then became very important. I'm seeing him again in 2 weeks, just before occy health when my fear is that it will hit the fan.  He said occy health does ask him for advise sometimes and so maybe if i can keep my mouth shut in the next 2 weeks if they do ask him, it will all be ok.

Shame i can't just make my head stop for the next 2 weeks, or at least not without screwing up the best opportunity i have ever had.

Friday, 4 October 2013

A different location

I didn't realise how much this was going to affect me.  Or rather it is affecting me in a way I didn't expect.

I feel like the clock has been turned back 10 years.  I'm back in a hospital room.  It's the weekend and lots of the students have gone home.  Just like the good old days I'm one of the ones still here not going on weekend leave.

I wish I could recognise the difference.  This time I am not being held here. If only it felt like that.  Really not sure how I'm going to manage for a year. 

At least I know that harming doesn't mean I am automatically out.  I am struggling not to right now and even more so since I learnt the latter.  I must try not to see that as permission to do it though.

I want to let go and fall apart so much right now.

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