Tuesday, 23 September 2008

J - Father figure or Fancy?

I don't know what it is about him. I don't know how i feel about him. When he speaks to me i feel safe and warm inside. I trust him. Maybe its because he calls me J**, not J**** as i introduce myself or J******* like my family call me.

But do i feel happy and safe because i fancy him? i don't think so, i think it goes back to the same old issue of a father figure. Its exactly the same feeling i got with M, again old enough to be my father (although i'm not sure J is, probably technically he is). Maybe i wish J was an older brother, like T at school. Mum always wanted T and i to get together as a couple, but the bond we had wasn't that kind, it really was more like brotherly/sisterly love.

But why when i feel safe, did i burst into tears in the car on the way home? Is it that i can't handle him being so nice to me? Is it that i feel like i'm lying to him because he doesn't know my story?

why can't i understand my emotions and feelings regarding others?

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

I've found it............

I know, it's far too early on in the journey of this blog to say I've found Sanity, and to be totally truthful although though it made be feel better and i enjoyed it, the eating disorder took over in the end and ruined it. In fact a lot of it was the eating disorder anyway.

I spend yesterday baking. I was going to take into D's work today when i go in this afternoon to help him out with a boring task that is running out of time to be done. Hopefully i'll get more done this time so long as there isn't another fire drill! Anyway, it was an experimental recipe, but not experimental as in 'i made it up', more the ingredients used. It made really easily aand baked nicely too but the final product just wasn't nice enough to be served.

After making it i allowed myself to try a small square, knowing full well that the recipe stated it was 176 a square (maybe slightly less as i'd used margarine not butter and had substituted half of the sugar for sweetner) which is far from anything i'd normally allow myself. Most days breakfast isn't that many calories! The sponge was nice and moist with a lovely flavour and the raisins that were in it plump and juicy (dried fruit is something i would say in my mind is a vice of mine, i can't resist it) but the other main ingredient was very very bitter despite the sweetness of the sponge. I decided to leave it for M and D to try some later, and after much convincing M that she wasn't going to hurt my feelings, she admitted it wasn't all that nice and that she too still had a bitter aftertaste in her mouth. She wasn't going to hurt my feelings, it wasn't nice - i told her that from the start! And in fact she would probably have helped me more if she had said outright so that i could have got D to put it out on the bird table when he was outside after dinner. But no. She had to wait until they had oth gone upstairs so i was left alone with the damn cake.

I just couldn't stop myself. I picked out all the raisins and picked off bits of the sponge that didn't have any of the bitterness. I have so little self control. All i have to do was break the squares up a bit more and put them out side, but instead i probably ate 2 squares worth of sponge and raisins. Fortunately the sponge had so many chunks of the bitter ingredient that the sponge was thinly distributed around it, and when it had stuck to it too it meant i couldn't get of hold as much. Finally then M came downstairs so i had to stop. I just wish i had more self control and discipline, it used to be such a strength of mine. Whats worse is today i know she might open a new box of cereal which will contain LOADS of raisins - which i really really love but are just far too high in calories for me right now.

Thing is i really enjoy the baking process, i have such fun, i love creating and i know it some thing i'm good at. Last week i made a couple of batches of muffins to take with me to D's work. They were healthily adapted (apparently most of his office are on a diet) and still warm when i got there. Everyone loved them! I'd love to try and make beetroot muffins but I'm too scared i'll like them and eat too many - in fact eating one would be wrong.

See despite the above, the sensible part of my brain knows my BMI is still under 15 and that i could do with gaining at least another stone and even then i think i'd still be classed as underweight, but then the eating disorder pipes up again "But you've already gained 3/4 of a stone - thats plenty thank you very much!"

And i do like the way i feel now. i don't feel too fat, or too skinny as i did when i was at my lowest weight but then i think i have finally lost all perspective on how i look. It used to be i could see the skinny person but then it changed so i only saw it when i looked in the mirror and at photos, yet when i looked down at my body i saw "normal". More recently i've seen "normal" in the mirror too, yet the photos still showed me the truth. I thought this was due to the fact i'd gained weight, but i've lost weight again since then so how can this be? Now i don't even ssee it in the photos and as i haven't gained any weight, i question if this is really the truth i see. Has the anorexia finally got a solid grip on my brain?

So there we are sanity is in baking; creating, making people happy and feeding other (trying hard not to feed myself along the way). However the madness return as soon as the timer goes and the baking it over, and once again the battle resumes itself.

Looks like a hard day ahead of restricting and compensating for yesterday. To make it worse it's weigh day too i can only pray that my 4 hours work at the farm over the last few days and the fact that dinner was lighter in calories (large stuffed marrow with ratatouiile and 120kcal of Feta and a mandarin for pudding) will help me. See there we go, back with the eating disorder again.
How do i convince myself i'm underweight? how do i let myself eat again?

Sunday, 14 September 2008

Numbness

I don't want to feel anything anymore. The only things i do feel seem to be unhappy. The self hatred and disgust is stronger than ever. All i seem to do is let people down. I was hoping i'd never feel this way again. I guess it was too good to be true. It's when the phrase from Robbie William's song "Feel" ringers truer than ever.

"I don't want to die. But i ain't keen on living either"
I don't want to die. But after another day of bursting into tears and feeling totally inadequate and on top of that battling with feeling like i'm losing control, eating too much and being a fat pig, it's just too much again.
I want someone to just take it all away, but i know its never going to leave me. My mistakes and failures of the past will always be there to bite me on the backside, and will never leave me.
I haven't felt this low in a long time and it scares me. Scares me and depresses me further, because once again there seems no way out. It's 3 years ago to the day, tomorrow, that i drove my car into a ditch, and 3 years on all thats changed is i have a little more strength to stop myself from doing such drastic things and acting on my impulses. The emotions and feelings don't seem to have changed, neither have the thoughts, i still think about all the things i could do to myself and feel i deserve.
Perhaps i should drive the long way round to the doctors tomorrow..........save "de ja vu" of 3 years ago. I just don't trust myself right now.

"Take anything he says with a pinch of salt right now...."

That's easy for you to say, you're not the one he's making digs at! Yes, i know when he goes hypo he's gets ratty and stroppy and some of the time probably doesn't even remember what he's said. However that doesn't help the way i feel much, because the words still get to me.

You're talking to the person here, who you told earlier takes things the wrong way, or takes things to heart too much - oh, and also "hear's things" the way she "wants hear them". Can you not accept that maybe what you say comes across in the wrong way? and that different people interpret things differently. You say you're not giving me mixed messages but then why do i get so confused and angry?

"You need some thing to do during the day, you need to see more people and meet people" - So i went out got a part time job. I've only managed to do one day so far and last night you tell me i'm taking too much on, simply because i went into town after i stood picking off mouldy strawberries for 2 hours. So now i've got this job (all of 6 hours a week to start with!) am i not allowed to do anything else? Am i supposed to stay indoors, rest and do nothing?

You want to blame anything physically that goes wrong, like the nausea and previously the upset stomach, on me and the things i do. How can Friday's nausea be blamed on a stressful day? Thursday was the first day at the new job, so surely if i had felt that way on wednesday or thursday then maybe? But Friday? So i had to pop to the corner shop to pick a few things before i could whip up a couple of batches of muffins for David's work collegues. A few muffins for me are hardly difficult, it's not like its a complicated process, having baked plently on different things before. A couple of hours sorting cards into alphabetical order in a quiet office out of the way - again hardly stressful. And so what if i popped into Asda before i came home? It was en route, i found what i wanted and was in and out within 5 minutes!

Please explain to be why that morning should cause me so much stress that i should feel so nauseus that i completely lost my appetite and didn't get round to eating lunch until about 3pm! It's not like the afternoon ahead of me was going to be out of the ordinary and taxing, I mean i do the shopping at Tescos every Friday.

But of course "i wasn't blaming you" or saying "you bring it on yourself" - well please tell me what you call it because i'd love to know!

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Feeling a Fraud

I hadn't wanted to start with a post like this but I feel so..... I don't know how to describe it. Low, i guess. We had a guy round this afternoon to see about cavity wall insulation. I don't think it helped that english wasn't his first language but he just made me feel like benefit scrounging scum. Because i claim income support we will get the insulation for free. He didn't bother to think that i may not be working for a reason. He seemed to assume that i just didn't have a job and was looking for work, despite me mentioning i'm starting a part time job tomorrow, which i'm terrified about as it is. If i didn't feel like enough of a fraud already i've just had it confirmed within my mind now for sure! As he left he said (in his poor english) "Go find a job. A good one." i know a lot of it was language issues and i don't think it came across how he meant it to. He didn't say it in a nasty way, but it sure felt that way.

 
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