Monday, 24 August 2009

Its just a scratch.....

I told M today about the self harm. I felt like it was a pointless exercise, telling her. Not quite as much as if i'd told K.

It just seems is it doesn't require stitches or doesn't threaten my life in any way, then its insignificant and doesn't matter. How far do i have to go now before people care about it? Its not like i'm doing it for attention or telling or showing anyone, but when i do admit to it, if its not severe then it may as well not have happened.

I went through a list of events today with M where my life should have come to an end. She herself said she didn't know how i was still here on this planet. The list soon rose into double figures.

Someone, somewhere doesn't want me to die.

Sunday, 23 August 2009

Afternoon naps are a must

Well, a week after lowing the dose of the antidepressants i'm still shattered and need my afternoon naps. However if i don't get my nap....well here's an example of what happens if i get over tired because of a lack of sleep - despite sleeping 8-9 hours a night. Yesterday, at about 4pm i could feel the headache taking over and knew if i lay down i'd fall asleep, especially after not having a nap friday either. But as it was the weekend and mum and david are around i thought i'd try and be sociable and stay awake, however by 8pm i was shattered and straight after dinner, which was a mish mash of picky bits because i was too tired to be bothered to make a proper meal (of course mum then commented, rather gently actually, that i wasn't really eating properly again), i made myself a hot choc which is what i tend to do if i feel i want comfort or am about to go to bed.

Ok, i started this posted over 2 hours ago, in which time we've prepared & had dinner (BBQ & BBQed banana for pudding) so as i'm now pretty fed up i'm finally going to cut that long story very short!

After dinner whilst putting the dishes away i smashed 2 plates and cracked a 3rd (out of a set of 5!) and promptly burst into floods of tears, just as mum and D got back from a walk, then i yelled at mum when she tried to help me clear up. Something along the lines of "I made the bloody mess! I screwed up! So let me clear up the sodding mess!"

Mum did try the "get things into perspective" talk, which is especially true given one of our family across the pond lost a husband (also a father to 2) in a car crash 2 days ago but depression just doesn't want to let you do that, so i took myself off to bed, even though i was still hungry realised i hadn't had a great deal to eat for dinner -at 8.30pm.....

At 10pm i woke up (neighbours were having a birthday party) went downstairs had a banana & raided the chocolate tin.

I then slept for 11 and a half hours. Sadly even that wasn't good news - I dreamt i was pregnant, one of the longest dreams ever it seemed. What was even more depressing and upset was i woke and i realised i had my arm cradling my stomach. Depressing for 2 reasons i guess.

  1. mainly the fact that i still hate how big my stomach has become. i have never been this big, in fact have never had a stomach, or at least not since age 8/9 when it was more puppy fat than anything else. It has always been flat & every morning when i get out the shower i cry and often sob because i wish it would go away. My stomach has also gained a fair few more scars too since it has grown, recently it seems about 3-6 (at one time) a week, but no-one knows about that at all, this is the first time i've said anything about it, and even then its under an anonomous identity.
  2. It brings back the reality of no partner/boyfriend, and therefore no chance of starting my own family. Not that my body seems physically able again yet still. Although i have been getting that menstrual feeling again and this is the second month, and the similar time as last month i think. I never have been one to keep track of that sort of thing. I've always had other thing and seemingly more important things, mainly keeping myself alive and trying not to get sectioned!

Mum and D are going away later this month, so i'm spending the first part with my grandparents - my theory being if i leave before they do then i won't get so upset.

and now i've got to stop because mum's complaining my typing is too loud! For once she's not fallen asleep on the sofa!

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