Saturday, 30 January 2010

Oneway street

Scene 1 - In the Lounge

TV is on. Susie is sitting on the 3 seater sofa with her laptop, her mother on the 2 seater, with a plate on her lap and D is at the table finishing his beer after lunch.

Susie: Oooo! The Eden Project are making a beer -made from sloes, hawthorn berries and-

Mother: Susie. D is trying to listen(!)

Susie exits hastily, upstairs to collect college work from the printer, but enters the bathroom, shutting the door behind her instead.

Susie: Yet no-one ever bothers to keep quiet when i'm interested in something on the television.

Susie releases her anger, by her fists striking into her flank. Flushes the toilet and exits. She returns downstairs after collecting the paper from the printer, pretending she wasn't bothered by the comment.

Friday, 29 January 2010

I've Been labelled.....

I saw it there in black and white:

"Borderline Personality Disorder"

So i'm not depressed then?

"According to DSM-IV, the diagnostic manual from American Psychiatric Association, criteria used by mental health professionals, you have Major Depressive Disorder if:

*You have had an episode of depression lasting at least two weeks with at least five of the following symptoms:
(1) You are depressed, sad, blue, tearful. yes
(2) You have lost interest or pleasure in things you previously liked to do. yes
(3) Your appetite is much less or much greater than usual and you have lost or gained weight. yes - my weight continues to rise
(4) You have a lot of trouble sleeping or sleep too much. i sleep 9-10 hours every night
(5) You are so agitated, restless, or slowed down that others have begun to notice.
(6) You are tired and have no energy. yes, i could go to up to bed to sleep right now (its 11.30am)
(7) You feel worthless or excessively guilty about things you have done or not done. does feeling this way about the last 10 years count?
(8) You have trouble concentrating, thinking clearly, or making decisions. yes, & i've offered to do the grocery shopping later, decision making hell! but thats because i feel guilty about being me etc etc
(9) You feel you would be better off dead or have thoughts about killing yourself.
if it wasn't going to destroy my family once and for all......
*These symptoms are severe enough to upset your daily routine, or to seriously impair your work, or to interfere with your relationships.

*The depression does not have a specific cause like alcohol, drugs, medication side effect, or physical illness.

*Your depression is not just a normal reaction to the death of a loved one."

I feel like no-one believes me. Just because no-one sees me all day, no-one sees the tears - what do i have to do for them to believe me? If i reacted by harming of ODing that would just cause them to adhere the BPD label even further. But i'm not, i may have thought about it but instead i'm sat on the sofa sobbing my heart out.

Theraputic Community was mentioned again and it seems ultimately that is the punishment for the last 10 years. Send me away to live among a group of people, stop me from seeing my family, probably feed me crap food that will cause me to get even fatter, especially as i won't have access to the gym. They want to have a meeting between me, mum, D, Dr L and this psychotherapist to discuss whatever.......i don't know, i've had enough of seeing them all. I'll go along to keep them happy, otherwise i will just be accussed of being obstanate.

I'm not saying BPD doesn't apply at all.

"The DSM-IV gives these nine criteria; a diagnosis requires that the subject present with at least five of these."

Traits involving emotions: Quite frequently people with BPD have a very hard time controlling their emotions.
1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours. My moods don't change that quickly

2. Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable. I rarely get angry, and i generally think its justified - like going to see people that i really don't want to see!

Traits involving behavior:
3. Self-destructive acts, such as self-mutilation or suicidal threats and gestures that happen more than once yes, but certainly not as frequent as when i was younger.

4. Two potentially self-damaging impulsive behaviors. These could include alcohol and other drug abuse, compulsive spending, gambling, eating disorders, shoplifting, reckless driving, compulsive sexual behavior. Only one there was the eating disorder, and that started as more of a self harm/destructive act.

Traits involving identity
5. Marked, persistent identity disturbance shown by uncertainty in at least two areas. These areas can include self-image, sexual orientation, career choice or other long-term goals, friendships, values. People with BPD may not feel like they know who they are, or what they think, or what their opinions are, or what religion they should be. yes i have uncertainty as to long term career/goals but when you have few qualifications yet would like to do something more than work in Tescos, wouldn't you? (am i trying to justify my way out of this one?). But i know my opinions, who i am, what i think, and i KNOW i don't believe in religion - i'll respect others who do, but i know its not for me.

6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. Doesn't some of that emptiness refer back to depression? I don't have the energy to waste on feeling bored anyway.

Traits involving relationships
7. Unstable, chaotic intense relationships characterized by splitting (see below).
8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

*Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with BPD said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground."
*Alternating clinging and distancing behaviors (I Hate You, Don't Leave Me). Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often. In my mind maybe but i keep it in my mind. Although i have been keeping away from K and J for reasons like this even if i haven't shared that with them.
*Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you. If trust issues have been shattered early on then surely loads of people have trust issues?
*Sensitivity to criticism or rejection. You're not human if you don't feel this to some degree!
*Feeling of "needing" someone else to survive I wouldn't say i NEED anyone, like may be easier with some people though
*Heavy need for affection and reassurance Reassurance maybe but not affection anymore
*Some people with BPD may have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, insight and empathy FFS! people think your fucked up if you can't empathise with people most of the time. I'm constantly told that insight is a good thing!!
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

This means feeling "out of it," or not being able to remember what you said or did. This mostly happens in times of severe stress.
Only happens very very rarely, maybe a handful of occassions over the last 10 years.

And anyway, this is the second time Dr L has seen me after a 3 year gap - How the hell can she slap a label on me that quickly when i've changed so much in the last 3 and a half years!

Perhaps i should have entitled this post "How to make Susie angry and dislike you"

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Keeping away from emotional hurt

Now i remember why I've been avoiding the doctors surgery. A simple appointment to get some more cream results in me leaving more distressed than when i went in.

Seeing J was possibly the shortest appointment I've ever had with her. I was still rather dopey from the sleeping tablets that i blocked the morning out with, which unsurprisingly she noticed, and i guessed that kept any emotion away too. I sat there for a moment after she handed me the prescription, praying that i could let out the desperation held inside. Nothing came though until as i was waiting for them to dispense the cream, when i started to feel anxious, wishing they would hurry up so i could get home and breakdown.

Little did i know that there would be more cause for tears. I had my back to her when she called my name to hand me the cream, but even then i recognised the voice which made me turn around to face her faster, almost in disbelief. I was to hug her, cling on and cry. The emotions where certainly there now, however now i was out of the privacy of a consulting room and back out in the public eye.

E had been away due to breast cancer, which i knew but to see her now with sparkling silver hair rather than the rich mahogony that i was used to seeing her with, made it more real. It was always clear that her hair was dyed, as with lots of women but i guess it has regrown back more naturally. It melted my heart to see her and for her to tell me that she was given the all clear at yesterday's mamogram. She is one of the receptionists who has known me since i first started going there regulary about a decade ago. It just hurts to know that her caring, soft, kind voice will always be separated from me by the desk in that reception.

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Chased down by hunger

If i don't obey it, it nags.

Why won't it leave me alone? A Sandwich, a sushi pack, fruit, small bowl of cereal, Options hot chocolates - all extras throughout the day as well as 3 meals a day. Its gone from anorexia to Over Eating. Obesity here i come, only one more BMI point to go and i've reached you arms.
I want to sedate my way out of it - i think tomorrow i should but must remember to set my alarm for 2.30pm for an appointment. Must also remember to keep it under control and not go OTT as much as i'd love to. An OD a fews days before a psych appointment may not be the best move.
Or i could go overboard, land myself in my local psych unit & reverse time by 3 years and stop eating again.
Or i could just get the blades out again, not say a word to anyone and carry on regardless - as i have been for what seems like forever.

Monday, 25 January 2010

Hanging on

As usual its my fault. I starved myself for 3 years and now my body won't let me lose any of that weight. I can't even seemed to turn any of the fat into toned muscle by dragging myself to the gym 3 or 4 times a week!

Having realised all my efforts are futile, the comfort eating is sneaking in. Arguments result in detours via the bakery and purchases of bread pudding. Tiredness requires comfort - today in the form whipped cream on the top of a normal (rather than lower calorie) hot chocolate.

Depression has taken over. I cried on and off (take that as all times I was alone) from when i got up until i had finally got most of it out of my system talking to M. I think i cried for the first 45 minutes of the hour and a half. I have come to the conclusion that while i have no energy and no life inside me that i am going to have to live as a hippo, heavier than i have ever been in my 23 years of life.

M, Dr L and this new psych are apparently having a meeting tomorrow, M called me this morning to ask me if i was going. Great,i thought, more crap communtication from the team. But no, it turns out its not a CPA, just a professionals meeting. Seems they are plotting and scheming, with M there to give them the low-down on me, as she is the only person to have seen me other than K, in the last 3 years. I guess i'll find out on friday what they want from me.

Mum asked me what i had to loose, in our 'heated discussion' today.

The answer: The last little scrap of energy i have left inside of me.

Sunday, 24 January 2010

Sunday Post Secrets

i love post secret even though i still haven't seen my one on there but i expect he gets millions sent a week. it must be so hard to decide which ones to post on the blog!

another secret jogged my consciousness this sunday

Is this a sign that i should give in to Dr L, mum, M etc?

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Depression or Personality Disorder?

I've never really been told/given a diagnosis. The closest i came was when i asked Dr L as to what i should put on a form when i had to reapply for my driving licence after the 'accident' - She told me to say "recurrent depressive disorder" but that was 3 years ago. I know things have changed as i've matured.

I no longer get attached & latch on to the most inappropriate relationships such as tutors, receptionists & nurses etc. I may struggle mentally but i think before i act and don't do silly things like hand deliver letters to their houses....... (i was about 15 at that time!). I no longer OD or harm just because i'm distressed and then go and get someone to patch me up, unless i've totally lost control or i don't have the specialist equipment needed to treat myself (or it may need surgery, as with the burn - which may finally be healed over by the end of january). I'm no longer the manipulative naive desperate teenager but i still feel very confused about myself & life.

I'm not sure having a diagnosis would solve things (i'm sure it wouldn't) and i'm not even sure it would help in the slightest but it does feel like yet another thing playing on my mind. Perhaps i've been reading too many other mental health blogs, but i feel i'm becoming slightly obsessed that i will be labelled with BPD or some other no descript. Maybe i think that it would mean that the depression i feel so strongly would be overlooked. K always puts 'severe depression' in the diagnosis box on her computer (plus previously anorexia) and although personally i would pay more attention & trust wwhat she says, i know that a GP's opinion is not sufficient for some.

I find myself doing those (possibly pointless) online tests and quizzes for personality disorders. This mornings results are as follows for a personality disorder quiz:

Paranoid Disorder:Moderate
Schizoid Disorder:Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder:Low
Antisocial Disorder:Low
Borderline Disorder:Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:High
Narcissistic Disorder:Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:High
Dependent Disorder:High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Moderate

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --
-- Personality Disorders --

Do i pay any attention? or do i try a depression test instead?

I suppose what i want to know is, is it simply depression? depression that is worth trying to treat or where treatment is futile & ongoing for the rest on my life? Or is it a personality disorder where i was simply born screwed up & am destined to be forever?

The major, more important point thought - Would a diagnosis/label be of any help/use?

Monday, 18 January 2010

Im struggling....

I'm struggling

  • to keep my patience with blogger after it just lost everything i f***ing typed!!!
  • to lose any weight at all
  • to find any energy
  • to find any motivation
  • to keep my emotions hidden
  • to keep my citrus addiction under control (its costing a fortune!)
  • to get my arse off the sofa today and go to the gym before my class

I'm struggling

  • to see the point in anything anymore.....

Saturday, 16 January 2010

Its just another evening..... why is the fact that mum & D are going out, throwing me into such a panic. In fact so stressed that i have just resorted to a minor fruit attack/binge at 5pm - It'll be dinner time soonish - about an hour away. I, at least, feel full which has calmed me down somewhat but there's still the stress over what i'm going to eat for dinner.

I could go for a sensible meal like jacket potato or i could have something i actually want/prefer/might enjoy instead of feeling like i'm on a strict diet. I'm thinking fish fingers, homemade coleslaw and salad maybe......or i could go for the whole indulgence dinner and get out the blue cheese, some bread and have a cheese ploughmans. MMMmmmm..........*drool* But the fear of what i may eat tomorrow (weekends are a nightmare) and the knowledge of the M&S seafood selection sandwich consumed to day at lunch, i think will put a stop to that idea.

Things have really got to me today. I don't know whether the appetite is real or is just underlying emotions. On our way home from shopping after having had an M&S sandwich for lunch - far less filling than what i'd normally have for lunch - we went into Tescos, i kept heading off to get myself a cereal bar, or just some fruit for a snack because i felt absolutely starving still but the cereal bar was out of the question and i never got the fruit either. In the car i felt like i could cry, i thought at the time because i was hungry and maybe this was the reason. Maybe i was so distressed because i was actually hungry but was so stressed about having to fight the appetite.

Ok my brain has zoned out. Too much thinking today has caused a minor short circuit. And i have no idea where this post is going or if it has reached the destination i intended.

Monday, 11 January 2010

Scales of Doom

...and our survey says?

i knew i had gained even more, but i now weigh more than my mother - in fact more than i've ever done, and of course have more to gain to get to where i should be. No wonder i feel so lethargic with all this extra weight!
I need to:
  • keep a food diary again
  • go back to daily weighing - yes i know it doesn't give a true picture but it keeps my mind of the job.
  • cut out all the bad food
  • and make sure i go to the gym twice a day where possible during the week. But at least once for sure. And maybe even brave the crowds at weekends, although i'm not sure my nerves will take that yet.

Sunday, 10 January 2010


"Where are you going?"
"Upstairs because i'm going to lose it."
"Well, you're very silly then."
Because i'm just a silly little girl. Just like you've always thought.

Cue mini magnum cravings. Must stock up on Options Hot Chocolate tomorrow. Or simply buy oodles of proper chocolate and become even more obese and disgusting like they wanted me to become and have turned me into.

Once again the result of hidden tears and depression all day. Tantrum over dinner. Shitty feelings over throwing away a crab that i just couldn't face eating (taste/flavour issue not calorie issue), with thoughts of starving children swamping my conscience.

Why can't mum see it as anything other than stupid opinions that i thought she'd got over, in fact she's starting to sound like my grandfather from the 'pull yourself together' generation. Do i have to be seeing a psych/CPN or be skeletal or shredded by blades or overdosing for her to class is as depression? Do i need to be popping the happy pills again? Is this just a ploy to get me to see Dr L, to regain my MH label officially?

Failed to get to the gym today, but booked into a class tomorrow with an instructor who's on my wave length, at least in part. She disclosed her MH experiences/background with me last week & gave me a hug on parting. No self harm or ED background but a person whose breakdown involved hospital contact of some kind (no detail provided but thats not the point) makes me feel at ease slightly. Hopefully while i'm there after the class i'll find that motivation to try pick the hugest calorie burning work out. Being able to physically grab handles on my waist and my thighs touching makes me feel physically sick. I never had that before the ED, so i don't want it now either!

Saturday, 9 January 2010

Breakdown imminent

I have been fighting the tears all morning, and eating & picking constantly to fuel the fight.

Salted cashews
mini chocolate bars (chomp & dairy milk)
fruit & fibre
Sharon fruit
(plus a bowl of fruit and fibre for breakfast)
Why can't i stop? why can't i fight the appetite instead of the emotions?
I want to through things, break things, smash things. I want to attack. I can't break plates or dishes........time for a walk on the ice? pray for a broken bone instead? choose the shoes with the least grip, choose the most perilous path.
Accidents are permitted, but all other emotions & anxiety must be hidden at weekends.
  • No crying, no screaming, no sobbing.
  • No running out of the house.
  • No self harm.

Weekends are the time to be on your best behaviour.

Thursday, 7 January 2010

Stop Pushing

M pushes and pushes. She won't let it go.

"I'll book you in for tuesday"
"Are you sure?" (forced laugh) "What about the weather?"
"Yes, well...... I'll book you in anyway"
"I..... I just don't feel justified in seeing you any more"
I don't want to see you (or anyone) anymore
Long conversation regarding situations after anorexia, and at the end?
"So I'll see you on tuesday all being well."
Cue tears from Susie.

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

I want them back!

Collar Bones
Hip bones
Rib cage
Wrist Bones

They're all gone, I want them back.

But i've lost the will power and strength too. The appetite is too strong, weight gain has taken over. No matter what i eat, i want more. And more, and more, and more......

The only control i have once again is a blade.

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Eating Habits

I'm noticing a pattern forming. Eat one day then spend the next 2/3 days at the gym...... Then again i guess this is probably a normal thing for lots of people.

Usually its a case of burning off the emotional eating from the weekend, however todays eating is a mixture of emotional and keeping my strength up due to feeling ill physically. Right now depsite having stopped sneezing and coughing (which is how i woke up this morning), i have a headache, slight ear ache, want to sleep (more than usual) and my taste buds seemed to have gone awry. Nothing tastes right, or particularly satisfying. The closest i can get to tasting right is pretty bland, plain things like branflakes and a pack of walkers baked ready salted crisps - as i said keeping my strength up! Especially as i am supposed to be meeting a friend tomorrow to give her a late xmas pressie before she returns to uni. This will involve lots of walking in the cold, and also if the forecast is correct, snow too!

Right now though i feel like barely moving off the sofa. I cancelled the gym class i was booked onto, and i am fighting sleep. I know it would probably be better if i gave in, but i feel like i shouldn't sleep. Its bad enough that i barely leave the house, sleeping is just even lazier.

I just wish i could get rid if the headache right now and work out what my stomach is trying to tell me. I feel hungry, yet nothing tastes as it should and when i stand up after i feel nauseus - the hunger is taking over though again. I need to find something to curb it before i lose the plot completely. I wish i could find the strength to restrict as i used to, but it seems i'll just be working hard in the gym instead.

M called yesterday while i was at the gym, offering me an appoinment for next week. Why can she not understand that i really am not justified in seeing her anymore. Unless she wants to see me because i'm overweight now?

Saturday, 2 January 2010

Oh one, oh one, one oh

Oh one, oh one, one oh

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Friday, 1 January 2010

Oh What a Night!

Mum thought it would be an idea to do and actually do something on New Years Eve this year rather than simply trying to stay awake until midnight and failing miserably, as in every year past. Plan 1 was a murder mystery evening at a local (ish) pub, however despite the fact they still had ads on their website, we were far too late in trying to book for that.

So mum went onto the ever faithful and booked for a westend show (paying through the nose, i might add!). The show was good although it took me a long time to relax and get into the (rock) music - not because i didn't like it - but more for the issue of girls/dancers in sports tops and hot pants, looking wonderfully slim and toned, with rib cages visable during dance numbers/songs due to the effort their lungs were putting in. The fact that it's something i've always wanted to do, ever since a young child also doesn't help the envy issue, i remember when i got one of the supporting leads in the whole school musical it was a dream come true. I struggled right throughout the first half, and in the darkness of the Stalls, my little finger was twisted in ways that it naturally doesn't like. By the interval when i went to the ladies my stress levels were still though the roof and the self harm urges were coming thick and strong - the only weapons i had on me though were my finger nails (half of which are broken or have ripped right down to nothing!), but once again in the privacy of my cubicle i took my frustration and desperation out on my stomach, it just doesn't have the same affect when i have nothing to show for it (other than a few scratch marks this morning).

I got into the musical more in the second half and by the end was singing along as loudly as i could. The next task was to make our way to the river Thames, to try and view the fireworks. However due to the crowds we never made it further than Trafalgar Square. As i stood in the cold, surrounded by drunk, tispy and seemingly sober people the anxiety levels began to rise again. Not in the respect that i was getting crushed by people trying to fight their way through to their destination - not that most of them knew where they were going. But it was more the suicidal feelings that were rising to the surface. With so much broken glass, due to broken bottles, police every few yards - it just seemed to have all the elements of previous abscondtion episodes, other than the fact that i was with mum and D, and there were millions of other people around.

All i could think though as all these people were screaming 'Happy New Year' to anyone and everyone, was

"i don't want another year"
"this one was enough"
"i've have had enough new years thank you, it's time to stop having them now"
and then the normal
"Oh god, i wonder what the disaster event of 2010 will be"
After the fireworks came the inevitable crush, although perhaps i hadn't quite expected it to be as bad as it was. With people intoxicated, some started pushing the crowds forwards, which when you are only 5"2' (both mum & i) means you generally end up more squashed, it started getting dangerous right around the Square, resulting in one girl having a major panic attack somewhere behind me. I was more concerned about getting mum out safely, afterall, we know i'm big enough and bad mad enough to look after myself! What i couldn't exactly admit to mum was that although i wanted her safe, my thoughts were turning more to those 'accidents' that could happen. Basically i don't care about myself and if something harmful/damaging happens it means someone else has done the injury and its not my fault etc.
But we made it out of the crush (with me leaning my back into the crowd as much as i could hold, in order to make sure mum, who was in front of me, got crushed as little as possible. And i led them both, in a chain, up past leicester square, on a route march to tottenham court road, where we got a seat for the journey home. All the way to the tube my head was filled with thoughts of glass, police, section 136, one under's and various other possibilities.
Maybe part of it was due to fatigue and exhaustion, having been up for 16 hours by that point (with another 3 hours until i went to bed!) and also having completed an hour long hard gym class/circuit during the morning. Things feel slightly less suicidal this morning, despite only 4 and 3 quarter hours of nightmare filled sleep, however i am really fed up with the phrase "Happy New Year", does the BBC News really need to use it so much?
To those who've made it to the end of another post i hope that 2010 does bring you some good things.
Take Care.

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