Sunday, 6 December 2009

Talking, Shouting and Crying.

I can't talk to mum about my problems/issues calmly. It always results in my crying and shouting - well raising my voice.

I think i've pretty much decided that i don't want the skin graft. I think if they were going to go it they should have done it 5 weeks ago. I've been trying to explain to mum my reasons for not having it done. I am struggling with my 3 month pregnant look and hideous weight as it is. The thought of not being able to go the the gym (which i plan to start with my guest passes tomorrow, and then boxercise before the hospital on tuesday) or even being able to walk very far i expect due to a wound/scar on my thigh - it fills me with even more fear.

Mum just told me she slept last night for the first time in a week because she is so worried about me. She said when i go into "full on mode", saying i'm going to do this that and the other (C1 driving licence etc) she knows i'm heading for a big fall.

Great! So everytime i try and do something positive in life now, it is going to be seen as me heading for a fall. So basically i'm never going to be able to try and get on with my life because people are just going to expect me to crash instead.

The fact that its been 8 days since any harm (i don't count hits and gentle punches, i know it is kind of harm but everyone kicks/hits an inanimate object now and then, i just tend to hit myself instead.) which is longer than its been in months. I guess the problem is i can't share that with mum.

I don't know what i can do to show i'm trying, it just seems to go completely unnoticed. Yes, i am still struggling, crying myself to sleep everynight and at least once during the day. But the struggling seems to be what people see rather than my efforts.

Mum made me look at the photo i had done for a makeover/photo shoot last year. She thinks it looks great, even though i am a stone underweight in the photo. What i tried to explain (in a rather raised voice) is that i hate that photo, i hate looking at it every single day, because it reminds me of how skinny i was, and what a bloated, fat monster i've become. I told her i knew she was worried i'd go back to 5 stone but as i told her, i didn't like looking like a skeleton and i did know how much it hurt her for me to see me like that. But i explained i'd rather be skinny that the podge i've become now.

She said my stomach just needed toning up. Stop making excuses mum!!! you can't tone up fat FFS! i need to lose the fat before any toning can be done.

Bring on tomorrow and the gym. Trouble is, D is off work all next week. I hope he goes out like he said he might. Mum was saying how he's be around to take me to hospital appointment etc. I know they want to help but by them being there i end up more stressed and with more pent up emotion that i can't release in front of them.

The idea of booking a room somewhere and running away is starting to appeal again.

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