Saturday, 30 October 2010

Dreaded DWP Medical

So the phone call came today, 6 months after i sent back their medical forms. I thought i'd escaped it, i thought it had been so long that it wasn't going to happen.

But no. In 2 weeks time i have the appointment i dread & fear, even more than seeing Dr L & TP who i refuse to see after last weeks appointment, was going to blog about it but i just can't even talk about it or think about it. Even trying to tell K 2 days later, i couldn't make words into a sentence to tell her what happen, although i had been distracted by something else i had seen on her computer screen about me. And the way i fell apart crying after i saw K means as much as i trust her and respect her, i can no longer see her either. Or in fact go down to the surgery at all, so that means no J, no susie - none of them ever again.

So anyway after i tried to hold it together for a bit and finished carving my little pumpkin, sitting using a knife when i really wanted to do something else with that knife, was all a bit too much. I went upstairs layed on my bed & sobbed for about half an hour. I think in the next 2 weeks there is going to be a lot of that.

I'm shit scared. What do i say? If i'm looking for full time work, then i'm fit to work, although everytime i react to an appointment like this, or even the thought of one in this case, i severly doubt whether this is a good idea. whether any of it is a good idea. I know i can't go on like this. Appointments are too distressing, so carrying on as though i'm fine is the only other option that sees my alive, and we all know where the other option sees me. Plus the hurt the other option will do to my family.

Oh shit, crying again. Can't afford to show mum how bad things are, because then she's really just going to say that getting a job is a bad idea, and i hardly seem to have her support as it is.

Am i fit to work full time? I've applied for jobs that are 30 & 35 hours a week.

The last time i had a DWP medical i was 2 stone lighter than this, so now not only am i applying for jobs to try and get away from this shitty benefits system, but i'm a fat cow too.

I need to stop thinking about this. I know on the day i'll fall apart under the pressure, but does that show i'm not fit to work? does that show i can't cope? What are they going to say to me?

Whats worse as usual is i will be all on my own, in a town i don't really know, an hour from home & then i will be driving down the motorway sobbing as usual, except this time it will take far longer for me to reach the safety of home than it normally would when i'm in that state, because i'm never more than 20 minutes from home.

Friday, 29 October 2010

Eating Out & Distraction

Its mum & D's anniversary today & mum wouldn't shut up about me not going out to dinner with them. So to keep her quiet (as usual) i relented and went. Now i severely wish i hadn't.

It started fine, but then D ordered a started and expected me to share it. It was 5 chunks of bread with oil, vinegar and salt for dipping. I said i didn't want a started but he kept offering it to me. I hate myself for it but i gave in. I only had the equivelent to about a large slice of bread, a bit of the vinegar and some salt. So i'd safe certainly no more than 200 kcal tops.

As a main i'd order a starter portion anyway, but as i was eating in all i could think was "the fat in this goats cheese" & "the oil in these dressings". Plus the rectangle of polenta had been fried, shallow not deep i think, but still greasy. And the veg had been oiled before roasting too. Why can't people cook anything without oil thesedays?

Then what really got me all over the place, was i saw Susie. Thankfully she was there with friends who weren't work collegues, so there wasn't anyone else who might have recognised me. My intention was to order a starter and then maybe have pudding later. But as soon as i saw her I didn't want to eat another thing. I felt so self conscious. Part of me wanted her to see me in heels, tight jeans and a lowish cut top rather than the state she normally sees me in when i need to see her. But all of a sudden i just wanted to get out of there. I didn't want pudding & luckily there wasn't anything i really fancied, but i didn't want to sit and linger like mum & D were either.

I was so distracted after i'm seen her. I don't know why. She knows me well, we get on, i trust her - she's totally lovely. So why did i freak out?

Food should have been too much of a worry. So far i'd had junst under 1000 kcal, so still had about the same again to go. Plus i'd been for a run before lunch which including the warm up & cool down too burnt 370 kcal according to my HRM. So even after the bread i still had 800 at least to go. Yet i couldn't eat anything more after my starter - which was my main course and i still can't now i'm home.

I don't want to eat out again. The way i felt after, the stress..... I came home and immediately changed into my PJs, i wiped the mascara, a rare bit of make-up, that i had applied. I needed to be be back in something where i couldn't feel the waistband digging into the flabby tyre around my waist and making the scars on my stomach so irritated that i just want to scratch and scratch. I didn't want to be in my own body or skin really.

I need to lose the tyre, yet still can't seem to. Powerplate, weights, running - nothing is working. I've given up on the metabolism-boosting-normal-amount-of-calories eating, and it's back to under 1200 if i can but certainly under 1500. Only 5 days until the london ED clinic now, hoping i get to seen the dietician on that day too.

Focusing on one thing really is an issue right now - 2 hours after starting this post i'm going to actually hit "publish post".

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

plan of action

i have a plan. a future plan that would see me in education from next january until at least september 2015.

I don't like telling people of my plan, because;

  1. i get very over emotional because its something i really want to do.
  2. i don't want people to laugh in my face because they think i have no hope in hell of achieving my dream.
  3. i don't want to tell people i'm doing it then fail and disappoint everyone - not that i think i'm going to fail, but as we all know anything could happen.
  4. i don't want people to assume that i'm absolutely fine and hunky dory, rather than just being determined to ignore the way i feel and the thoughts in my head.
yes suicide does still pass through my mind, as does self harm and there are still buckets of tears shed everyday. but i'm not happy with life now, if i was training in something i was interested and had a job i enjoyed, surely things would be different?

It will be a long slog to qualify because to even get to uni there are 2 course i have to do before hand.

The trouble is i'm not just focusing on the courses i want to do but all the financial shit that goes with it. You could say its a good thing that i'm looking at the whole picture and thinking of everything but the trouble is i get myself very stressed and worked up because i think there's that part of me that panic, because i don't know about money things like that, so will i have any money? How can i be a full time student and survive?

Although if i couldn't afford to eat that wouldn't be such an issue - i'd rather spend my money on petrol to get me places. Anyway going to the CAB this morning, see if they can help me understand.

In the meantime i'm still job hunting, but yesterday there was nothing i had experience or qualifications for on any of the job website which was around 20-25 hours a week. There was a full time job - 4 x 12hr night shifts (thursday - sunday) but although i'd have complete days off, it is 39hrs a week, so thats full time. I'm rather start with part time to ease myself in which could then let me do the first course which is one day a week from january, but hopefully still work and earn.

just keep looking i guess. After i'm been for a run of course.

Saturday, 16 October 2010

"Raised Gluc"

On further inspection, during a calmer moment, i saw the comment on the blood form for the fasting test said

"Raised Gluc"

I've racked my brains trying to remember my order of events for that day. I saw J at 11am but before that i went for a run.

According to my running stats, i went for a 20 min run at 9.25am. So i wouldn't have got home until 10am which means by the time i'd had a shower, got dressed and dried my hair i wouldn't have had time to sit down and eat.

My food diary shows breakfast finishing with a Jordan bar which is my pre run carbs. then next thing in the food diary is a banana, which i either had after getting back from J, and i think this is more likely having just had bloods taken too.

So if my glucose was still high after a run - something is certainly wrong.

Its not all in my head

Postman's just been. Including a letter from J.

She wants me to have a fasting blood test, which means the normal blood test picked something up. I've never had to have a fasting blood test before. I wish i knew why she wanted me to have it. But i will have to wait 36 hours before i can either call or go to the surgery to find out.

I think i'd rather hear it from J than a receptionist.

part of me is concerned something is very wrong. Another part of me is releived that there may be a reason & an answer, & that its not just a case of me trying to get used to extra weight which is very unwelcome weight.

Have to wait until monday for the blood test too as the phlebotomy centre is only open monday to friday, but i shall be up there first thing as i want to get the results back as soon as i can.

I'm not sure how i feel now. not sure whether the relief or worry is stronger.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

worst nightmare, almost

Mum turned her car upside down & wrote it off. Goodness knows how - she's the most cautious driver - she drives me mad as a passenger!

She's fine. But it stirred up so much shit, both past and present.

Have finally stopped crying after walking round the village in the dark sobbing and then coming home and spending half hour on the phone to the samaritans because the sad realisation is that i have no-one else to call. I tried M but the mobile was off (fair enough she works hard & all day light hours!) Doctors surgery closes at 6.30pm so an hour and a half to late there.

I flicked through my mobile phone contacts, but there really was no-one i could turn to. What i really wanted was some to just hold me while i sobbed, contemplated going to a neighbour but him and his wife where eating dinner when i walked past.

Samaritans i knew i could rely on. This was not the time to deal & get rid of unwanted emotions by self harm. Mum's fine other than a scratch on her hand (she says) - so i should be happy, not distraught.

I haven't eat dinner after a 500-600 calorie (approx) killer class at the gym where i worked my butt off and enjoyed - feeling guilty for enjoying it now when i know mum was upside down in a car at the time. Had a banana but can't eat anything else. 9pm already so doubt i will have a dinner as such.

Its been 2 hours since i found out. I'm still home alone and they still haven't called to say that the car has been retrieved and that they can leave the scene and come home.

And as if by magic.... they called 20-30 mins and they'll be home.

Glad i'm seeing M tomorrow i think i might be shedding a few more thousand tears.

Brain Swimming now Sinking

Bloods taken, results in a week.

Physio referal, wait and see.

Run though pain, just keep going. Must keep training.

Ice x3 daily, reduce inflamation which J confirmed.

Detail everything that passes my lips.

Detail all exercise.

Lose the extra weight - about 14lb/7kg.

Referal to London, hope it comes soon.

Appointment with TP & Dr L, dreading the looming nightmare situation.

Appointment with M tomorrow.

Hair appointment friday - DO NOT let mum pay!

Drop mum & D to airport early Saturday, go to D's work Saturday morning.

Survive 3 and a half days completely alone.

Get head around new staff at the surgery - a job that could have been mine if i hadn't got too close to the place. More new people who don't know or understand. Who's leaving to make room? Who am i going to have to get over leaving now?

Can i handle going to that place to see K anymore?

Keep up the volunteering.

Get a Job.

Keep the job.

Get some qualifications.

Earn some money.

Pay off debts.

Stay in control.

Stop crying.


Monday, 11 October 2010

Benefits Cuts

Its on the news constantly and it's really starting to worry me.

Heard them say on the BBC this morning that if people can work & then turn jobs down they will lose benefits.

This terrifies me. I really want to make sure the job i get is a longer term thing. I down want to be in a situation where the risk of me relapsing again.

I'd like to be able to train & get myself into the emergency services. Its what i've dreamed of since i was 17 and seeing Paramedics on stand by in london & them speeding past on blues.......*sigh*

I've been asking around the EMS bloggers and getting advice, but i still just don't know how to go about it. I just have this horrible feeling that if i ask for help, that people with either laugh or just give me a sad, pittying look because they don't think i will be able to cope mentally or even be considered or accepted onto a training course or a training position because of my mental health history.

I'm stronger than i've ever been & i need that something, that dream to help me stay strong and grow stronger. Neither i or anyone else will know unless i try, and get that chance to try.

Wednesday, 6 October 2010


I don't think i'll tell mum about the appointment in London unless i have too. I know she just won't understand. I especially know this after a comment she made today when she got in from work.

"what did you do stay at home & eat all day?"

(here we go, can't win. Don't eat and she's questioning me & now i'm eating too much)

"what do you mean?" i replied.

"Well its just there's an empty tuna tin AND a weight watchers tuna tin..."

(it's a good job you haven't seen how many extra light laughing cow cheese triangles i've eaten then)

I sometimes think Mum has no idea or concept about calories. In fact i know she doesn't. Her question as to whether the litres of diet coke i drank contained too many carbs, & whether it was causing the weight gain/lack of weight loss that i am so depressed by, told me that she doesn't have that much knowledge.

In actual fact i am only about 75% of the way to the calorie allowance i have agreed to keep up each day until i go back to london to hopefully get some help so i don't have to live the rest of my life fighting my appetite and restricting, just to even maintain my weight.

I did get some understanding from a fellow gym buddy. When i explained the kilo a week gain on 2000 calories i think her words were something along the lines of;

"wow, you're metabolism is really messed up!"

However she did before that say that i looked fine as i am now. But at least she recognises that although i look ok, that things are not right.

*Sigh* i think i'll keep my mouth shut from now on.

Monday, 4 October 2010


This meeting is driving me insane. I had a good chat about it with M today. She offered to come to it - if i could get her an invite. But i'm still not sure i want to go myself. If i go i will spend the next 3 weeks stressing with no doubt more nightmares and on the day being the most horrendous person to live with, not want to be near anyone & then fall apart the next day because i will be trying my hardest to keep it together in front of mum & D.

If i don't go, however, i'm worried that things will be said & confidentiality will be broken without my permission. But if i make the decision that i am not going, now, then i won't have to stress for the next 3 weeks. If i don't go, i will find out my rights regarding confidentiality and then if mum & D come back knowing anything they shouldn't, i'll sue their arses off!

But even in the initial meeting back in january things were said that i didn't give them permission to divulge. I'd told Dr L during an appointment with her that Mum, D, Nan & Grandpa were the 4 reasons i was still alive & if they weren't around i really had no other reason. The depression has worn me down & if i hit a low patch & i was on my own then i don't think i'd see a rason to fight. I'm living my life for mum - which has often been said to me. Anyway Dr L came out with this before i could stop her back in january, and i can recall mentioning that i didn't want mum knowing when i was in my appointment with Dr L. So whether i'm there or not i think things will be said that i don't want said.

I think i need to find out my rights somehow, somewhere.

On the stressful/down side & in other news, M is refering me back to London to the ED unit. She she to refer me back to the unit generally so that i can see the dietician there. She thinks the guy there would be really good & might be able to help. My 2000 a day experiment has gained me nothing but 1.2kg in a week. Hippo-ness here i come! I want to just go back to restricting right this instant. But i can't just yet, i have to stick to 1800 to 2000 until i see the dietician, so i can show/prove that something is really wrong. I shouldn't gain on 2000 a day as it is, let alone with the amount of exercising & walking i do. M is baffled, hence the referal to the specialist again. I'm praying he will have an answer or suggestion but i'm dreading having to go to a place where there will be skinny women that will make me feel even more of a fat fraud.

Its hard enough leaving the house & finding clothes to wear that don't cling to me right now. I stood in the health food shop and cried today trying to decide on a snack to help me reach my 1800 target. It took me 10-15 mins in that shop to buy a simple Eat Natural bar. Its OK going to the gym because there are other people trying to fight the flab and it shows i'm trying my hardest to do something about it. No-one outsie the ED world really understands though. Afterall my BMI is 23.9 & still within the healthy range, so what am i so upset about? Only M truely knows what this is doing to me mentally. With the other issues too, i cried for about 75% of our hour & a half appointment today.

I am starting to think that unless i give in to the weight gain, i will have to live the rest of my life hungry.

Sunday, 3 October 2010

Another reason i never want to see you again

No more secrets

from post secret

Friday, 1 October 2010

Dear Dr L, TP & CMHT admin staff... (explicit language)

Why can't they just leave me alone? I was doing fine again until the letter arrived about the dreaded meeting. And then when mum phoned to tell them about their screw up, they sent me another one - Don't send me another, just FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!

I know about the meeting so i don't need another letter, with a cover note, apologising for "any distress caused" You want to know about distress caused? I'll tell you. When i saw what it was i was fuming, the letter (and cover note) is now back in the envelope in little pieces. After taking my initial anger out on the pieces of paper, i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I felt like i wanted to cry forever, like i couldn't cry enough to get the feelings out. Previously harming is a way to stop the tears - but you are not worth causing damage to myself over. I will not bare scars that are connected to you any more. Scars are only worthy of feelings & emotions about issues that have nothing o do with any of you.

So i went upstairs and lay on my bed with my tears soaking my pillow, it wouldn't surprise me if the pillow is still damp now. I cried all the way to the supermarket & then all the way back home again as i had forgotten the shopping bags where i was in such a mess.

I will not be coming to your meeting, i am going to find out my rights over what you can say without my presence & if i find out my mother knows any details i have shared with you, then i shall be making a formal complaint.

Every week i saw TP my mood plummeted & the harm i caused due to the feelings i felt - i do not need that. The mere thought of seeing any of you drags my mood down instantly & i can't hide that from mum. I do not need you weakening my defences.

I never wish to see any of you ever again.

P.S Dr L, you really need to sort out that midlife crisis, faded red/orange dyed hair. You used to look respectable, now you and your red tights, short skirts and disastrous hair cut and colour look like mutton dressed as lamb. Its actually laughable but in a sad pathetic way not a funny one.

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