Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Bringing it on Myself

According to M, i can't handle being in a "healthy place" and everytime something good happens i destroy it.

WTF??!!

So basically i'm choosing to be this way? I'm attention seeking? I want to carry on seeing professionals like her for the rest of my life?

Yes, i agree there are certain people i panic about being with out, or rather panic about not being able to see, but they are people who i have known for the last 13 years and who have seen me and supported me through a heck of a lot. K and J know me better than most of my family (not including close family), in fact i've seen more of them in my lifetime than i have some of my family - including my father. So excuse me for feeling insecure at the thought of moving out of the area and knowing i wouldn't be able to speak to people i trusted if i needed to. I mean for goodness sakes - if i got pregnant or developed cancer i would rather see them over any other doctor or nurse, purely due to the fact that i trust them and they have always been incredibly kind to me.

Am i bringing these downfalls on myself? Could i really banish the intrusive thoughts, stop harming, stop hating myself & my stomach, if i put my mind to it?

Why does M believe i can do anything i want to? She said she thinks i make things fail and destroy them, even before they do, just so i can avoid waiting for it to fail of its own accord.

So the fact that i want to harm on my stomach or lose the extra weight i've gained, has nothing to do with the fat (which the nurse yesterday, bless her, asked me if i suffered from bloating) thats there and needs to be lost. Its apparently because i can't handle being a healthy weight and i just want to ruin my life constantly.

Its times like that this, that make me feel angry and want to turn round and show them - no i don't want to ruin things or just not be sane or healthy - i do actually want to die a lot of the time, i hate things that much..... trouble now is stopping myself from doing something that may cause such damage.

2 people had something to say about this:

Seeker said...

I think that these things have not been said to you to make you feel bad, or that everything is your fault. They are only trying to make you recognise the repeated trends in your life. Only by really acknowledging and understanding what is happening can you even begin to change anything.

Your anger is understandable; but remember, the things that make us most angry when somebody accuses us of them are often the things that we know deep down have some truth in them!

Take care.

Susie said...

i know there is some truth in them seeker, which has probably been part of the reason for this mornings events - which you will see in the next post.

By the way i'm heading down to your the neck of the woods on sunday - its actually that area that i was born in! Going to see my grand parents - something else which triggered this mornings events.

xx

 
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