Forgetful

I think I may have just double dosed on my meds again..... I'm not sure.  I wasn't sure if I took the lunch time dose so took one just in case and I've just done the same with the night time dose.

Don't suppose it really matters as it doesn't have to much of an effect  short term.  I think there has been a difference since the dose increase in general long term, its been a  month now.

My brain just feels like mush right now. I don't know if its from too much revision and  too much stress, or taking the high dose of beta blockers to get through a study session today. (that turned me into a zombie after a week on them last time, with mum begging me to stop taking them because I was just so depressed and hadn't been like that for a few years).

I think the beta blockers did the job, well my heart rate barely got off the floor that's for sure.  Would have been interesting if someone had tried to take my pulse!  So I think I will use them for the real exams.  They may stop the physical symptoms but I'm not sure they can stop the emotions.   I am planning to meet with someone onmy support network afterwards on Monday,  so I can cry with someone and hopefully avoid too much destruction,  although that didn't stop me last time but then I think I was a lot lower and distressed already last time.

Seeking Help to Maintain Sanity

I went to see an adviser today, who was suggested to me.   He was a slightly off the wall character but he had that air about him that made me feel reasonably safe and pretty sure that he had experienced mental health issues himself, which is what i had been told by my referrer.

He was quite relaxed about the whole thing and nothing i said seemed to phase him or worry him. He asked me if i had harmed. As usual i hate lying. With no details divulged i said yes.  "I have a student who self harms every day" he told me.  Was i supposed to be shocked, jealous, amazed? I don't know Was i supposed to try and compete with that?  Did he tell me to try and get more information out of me? By telling me they were still allowed to do their course, was he trying to see if i'd relax more and open up?

I have no idea what the purpose was.

By the time we'd chatted for an hour i had the feeling i wanted to scream slightly and maybe i  was inside.  I wanted to telling him that he has no fucking idea what was going around in my head, of the things i want to do to myself and that the harm i did last night was nothing and that i could quite easily take the full box of 48 400mg ibuprofen i have or the collection of benzo's and other sedatives i have.  Even after the ones i have taken in the last 2 weeks to help me get through (which was my intended use, it was not for a planned misuse), i know the damage i could do and the power i hold locked away in my room. But i also know i don't really want to end it for good, however although i walked away last time "i just wanted to go to sleep for a bit" I was a) extremely luck physically and b) they probably have a better crisis team here so i may not escape to easily there either.

But i couldn't tell him that.  Despite him knowing that i had harmed recently, which he didn't seem bothered by, i still don't have anyone that i can tell the whole truth to.  It's been ok in recent years when my head has felt calm but now the stress and anxiety levels are up, and instead of settling seem to be rising further, I once again have the fear of speaking out against myself.

If they really knew....what goes on in my messed up mind, how i want to take all the stress, hate, anger, frustration and fear out on myself.....They will never let me move onto the second part of my course in 6 weeks time. So yet again i am left crying to myself because i cannot turn to anyone and even if i could no one can take away the thoughts inside my mind.

I have no clue right now how i am going to get through the next 2 years.  I came in full on confidence like a bull in a china shop with such determination, telling myself i could do this and now i'm left simply trying not to fail again.

Its also just occured to me of what the hell am i going to do when these sedatives run out? How the hell am i going to sleep at night.

Mr Adviser said he was unimportant at the uni "until the shit hits the fan" when he then became very important. I'm seeing him again in 2 weeks, just before occy health when my fear is that it will hit the fan.  He said occy health does ask him for advise sometimes and so maybe if i can keep my mouth shut in the next 2 weeks if they do ask him, it will all be ok.

Shame i can't just make my head stop for the next 2 weeks, or at least not without screwing up the best opportunity i have ever had.

I don't know what i'm thinking anymore.

Saw K today & left feeling worse than i did before i went in. I knew i should have left when time was getting tight, although i did still manage to make it to the gym on time for evening classes. Thank goodness i had combat after LBT, i had so much agression to let out, although i didn't manage to make it out of the studio before i started crying.

I also left K with a prescription for Carbamazepine, a low dose & only a 2 week supply. She asked me if i was likely to take the lot & right now i don't see the fucking point in anything, all my head is saying is "why not?"

I wouldn't show her my stomach which is probably the first time i've kept that back from her, but despite needing to stick myself back together with tape at least once a week at the moment, the damage there felt insignificant & i almost felt embarrassed to show her because it was so pathetic. Although i know if i hadn't taped the wounds back closed it would have been a different story & i also know that had i gone to see anyone about them to get treatment it would have been sutures. I;ve just gotten lazy & would rather it take a few more days to heal & stop bleeding completely than go through the effort of suturing right now. I just can't be bothered.

She asked me if i'd seen M & what her thoughts were & how she was. I questioned whether M had called her which i know she has done in the past when she has been concerned, but clearly M isn't that worried as K said she hadn't called. I said M was concerned that my weight was dropping. To which K said "Well you had got a bit chubby" i am now making sure that comment stays lodged in my head, afterall what else could be such great motivation to get me to move my arse at the gym & cut out any unnesseccary food? My BMI is now 20.5, so getting there but the chubby waist & stomach still need work. Why is it you lose weight from certain places first - for me its my chest/breasts and face, never the stomach, hips or thighs.

Starting college, getting this job on wednesday all seem pointless & like no hope. Mum & D go away friday for the weekend, in my head right now this would give me chance to do damage i want without being worried about being found out, i just worry i;m not in control enough not to go too far. I think this week is going to be a little risky, but nothing can go wrong before friday, otherwise mum won't get her weekend away.

I'm not seeing M until next tuesday - thats 7 days. I have 19 classes booked at the gym. Thats 19 hours to get rid of some of this weight, the stress of a meeting about benefits & also the job interview should shed some weight too hopefully.

Right now i want to cause damage, i need to cause damage. I want to give up, i;ve had enough.

But i still can't hurt mum or nan.

"Even if it is broken......

......there's nothing that can be done anyway, is there?"

That was my response to K this morning when she asked me if i wanted an x-ray of my hand. If i had made a better job of punching then perhaps & even though i am in pain, couldn't make a fist for her, flinched every time she touched the knuckle it still doesn't mean there is anything that can be done.

She said to strap it up & stick it in a sling, which isn't really possible when driving & certainly can't happen when i'm at home or at the gym - that will attract even more attention to it. Trying not to show that i can't really use it for the pain is hard enough, especially at the gym. Have had to cancel a class tonight. A, i feel exhausted & B can't make a fist to punch properly. Might have felt different if it was a certain instructor, but its not her so i'm not too bothered. Off to the gym for a class in a bit anyway, so i still get one in at least. Not that my heart rate monitor is working to tell me how hard i'm working, don't think it will be that much anyway the way i feel today.

Think a sleep might be needed this afternoon. Would rather sleep right now but need to get my lazy arse into gear & get changed. I know i need to take a couple of detours too on the way, so i really should move off the sofa.

But before i forget one last thing, K was talking about starting me on a mood stabiliser, to even out the low dips that happen every so often. Maybe its because things have been this way for so long, but there sadly feels like a little security in feeling like this. Sure it might be nice to feeling less depressed but whats the point of feeling less depressed if i have nothing to do - no job etc. Then i'd just be a less depressed exercise addict, yet functioning benefit cheat with no future prospects, rather than a depressed, exercise addict, self hating & harming, pathetic, state scrounging fraud of a person.

I think i'd better stop there & go to the gym.

More things to panic/stress/worry/cry about

Signed up & payed for the exams today - all i need now is a note from my GP (and some diazepam too i think). Woman at the finance window heard me chatting the girl i've got to know best (we both just been to see the student support lady)

"Everyone who comes to the window to pay for an exam has been saying exactly the same thing. Don't Worry."

Yeh, sure. Do you know me, lady-at-the-finance-window? Do you know how my previous exam attempts have ended? Do you know what happened when i started this course? Do you know how easily i loose control of my mind? Do you know how scared i am of myself?

"Yes, but i'm not sure everyone reacts to things in the way i do."

Was all i replied, as my mind wandered back to my GCSEs and 2 attempts at AS levels, at 2 different schools.

As i said to one of my class instructors at the gym:

"As long as i know what i'm doing, i don't care. Even if it means lots more crying, as long as i'm in control, i don't care."

2 down, 2 to go.

The worst 2 appointments are out the way, although K wasn't supposed to be one to worry about, but sadly turned out more stressful afterwards.




Dr L has changed - in appearance at least. I think i prefer the old look personally, as i'm not sure the red tights, loose grey mini skirt, heels, red jacket and redish highlights in the blonde hair, which is now a bob really work. Maybe she thought she looked to stern and serious as she was before, however i feel the old look felt more professional to me.



I answered politely and honestly, if a bit quitely with nods and shakes of the head instead of words at times. She was rather flabbergasted that she hadn't been told about the OD and psych assessment (given the high risk circumstances), or even heard anything about it. So of course i kept the honesty thing going and duely dropped the crisis team member well and truely in it, naming them quite freely, and i have no guilty feelings about that at all. Although i didn't want to end up on S ward (even if Dr L says it has changed a lot), i was quite expecting them to at least try and admit me that evening rather than a quick 5 minute chat. Oh well, i'll leave that one to her now.


I asked mum to leave at one point when the tears started to roll, and the openly told her how i felt about being alive. It still is the same as my post secret card that i sent off.




I couldn't be open infront of mum about a typical days eat when asked, so skirted around that question with an answer along the lines of "It varies each day". Well thats truthful! when i'm around mum i eat more (WW bagel for breakfast today), when i'm on my own i eat nothing - at all!

Medication was mentioned, but i couldn't recall the reasons for stopping the Lofepramine which seemed to help my mood the most. I knew i had blogged it here, however looking back it's not as clearly written as i thought. It seems it was due to lethargy (although Dr L seemed almost suprised that the lofepramine had caused that) and then the clomipramine simple made the side effect or tiredness worse. Maybe i should check my paper diary too.

The outcome? Dr L wants to go away and talk to a few people (K - who she's seeing this afternoon for something else/different, probably drug/alcohol services related. I hope she doesn't let on that i told Dr L i didn't have another appointment booked with her.....given that it was K her self who made the appointment that i cancelled!! She also want to speak to M and the team's part-time psychotherapist) and she made another appointment with herself for the 29th January, which i really don't want to go do. I'm praying mum will forget, although she was in the room at the time, and the appointment was made around when would be better for her, regarding time off work. I have the bit of paper stashed in my bag, so fingers crossed she'll forget about it until its too late. Somehow i think thats unlikely though. Dr L didn't suggest the appointment could be held elsewhere, either at my home (no way!) or at the doctors surgery, although she said she'd have to check but as i used to see a CPN there when i had no transport i'm sure the practice manager would be ok about that. That option does feel better as it is certainly a place i feel a lot safer, but the idea seemed to get lost as the conversation when on, and then became disrupted by the gardener blowing the leaves around with a noisy machine.

I just want it all to go away. I don't want to see anyone, i wish i could move out of home but financially i don't think that is in anyway possible - unless anyone knows of any free lodgings in my area. Although i don't want to see K, the fear of moving out of the area of the surgery feels very unsettling and a little too scary.

I'm never going to leave here or this place mentally or physically am i?

Mama

"She Used to be my enemy and never letting me be free,

catching me in places that I know I shouldn't be,

Every other day I crossed the line

I didn't mean to be so bad,

I never thought you would become a friend I never had

Back then I didn't know why,

Why you were misunderstood,

So now I see through your eyes,

all that you did was love

Mama I love you,

Mama I care,

Mama I love you,

Mama my friend,

You're my friend

I didn't want to hear it then but I'm not ashamed to say it now,

Every little thing you said and did was right for me,

I had a lot of time to think about,

about the way I used to be,

Never had a sense of my responsibility."

J made me realise last night why it is that i can't find the comfort & security in mum's arms that i crave when i feel so fragile and low. She said she thought i was right in saying it is because i don't want to hurt mum and show her how fragile and, i suppose, ill (i hate using that word but after K's words last week and the deterioration since, i think i need to admit it) i am again.

All i was is to be held in someone's arms and so i can cry my eyes out, somewhere safe and warm. I certainly could have done with that at midnight last night when i was wondering around the village. But as J said, "we could do that. but what then?" and i suppose she's right. I think i'd never was to let go. Certainly not while i'm feeling like this. Perhaps thats why i'm thinking about S ward, because i know there's the most caring HCA there who knows the importance of a hug when its needed. But that really isn't a reason to go back there. I think my main reasons where to escape the black hole, but i need to remember the black hole will come with me and at least home here i have meds at my own disposal and if i need to harm to stop the demon in my head, i can.

J's right. S ward is not the place to be.

Crash

The breakdown came. The tears flowed morning, noon and thereafter. A phonecall, a trip to the minor injuries unit & an emergency GP appointment.

There was so much comfort i wanted yet so little i got. From K, the nurse who patched me up, No. From my boss briefly, but from his dog plenty! I think if i'd asked the newer receptionists (who don't know my detailed and unsettled history with the doctors surgery and my teenage attachments with staff there) i may have got a hug but i purposely didn't accept their offers to sit behind reception to hide my distress from others because i really wanted to try and leave that troubled teenage longing behind. It was too hard though and just caused more tears and sobs. G seemed to understand this when i explained it to her, and it was nice to know that there's someone there who understands and knows my fears and panic.

Seeing K felt so safe in her room. I knew the destruction wasn't going to happen there, and i knew i could cry as much as my eyes would let me (which seems to be infinite). She gave me 2 different PRN meds for anxiety and panic, one for psychological and one for the physical symptoms. And the anti-depressant, which was the original reason for the telephone consultation, has been changed yet again to Sertraline (Zoloft or Lustral), hopefully no more sleeping but a lift in mood again.

I can handle mild depression, maybe even moderate but when it reaches severe and/or destructive, it's too much to manage alone.

K told me to call her in the week if things got out of control, i don't want to phone her because i know if the meds don't contain things the next step is one i don't want to take. I'm not going back to Serpent Ward, i know i don't really want to. Yet the place has been playing on my mind, day dreams almost like flashback about the place. Something inside me has been questioning whether a rest there would be an escape for a while but as i realised when i was saying all this to K, it's not going to let me escape from me mind and what goes through my head.

K tells me she's pleased with me, but everytime she tell me i struggle to accept it. She say i've come a long way and i understand what she means. As a teenager i would have overdosed or run away when feeling like this, but instead i ran to her - i ran to her for help. It just doesn't feel very different to those previous years, up here, in my head. The thoughts are the same, the destructive demon inside my mind still compels me to do the same things. The main difference is my age, my maturity - i've grown up. I think of others now. Mum, in particular. I was semi honest tonight after trying to put up the front. She still doesn't know how bad things got today, at least i hope she doesn't.

K always brings me back to reality. After sorting out short term meds and changing the other over, i mentioned her earlier suggestions of a stabiliser to go with the anti depressant. I wasn't meaning there and then, i simply wanted her to know i was thinking of it. Her words:

"perhaps this is not the time to think about that, when you are so acutely ill right now."

Acutely Ill. I'm verging on hospital. I'm even considering it myself! She's right. Things aren't good. I need to stop denying it. I'm just hoping today's crash was the bottom and that there's no further to fall.





P.S I don't think Eastenders helped a great deal but i felt i needed to watch it, as though i was being cowardly if i didn't. But that scene with Stacey Slater is very similar to how my first hospital admition came about. Police, chases round the village, ambulance journey to A & E and a sobbing mother & daughter. I was 14 at the time though and went willingly to escape, so sectioning wasn't necessary on that occassion.

The demon inside.

Its waking up. It didn't like the dark red round tablets, but the two colour capsules are no match for it.

It reminds me of what i've done and where i've been, what i could do again and how easy it would be.....will be.

It will never leave me. It is a part of me. Do i want it to go away forever? If it does, won't it be a part of me going too?

I wish i knew why the demon wanted to destroy me and leave me with permanent reminders. It's been pushed aside for the past 3 years, overtaken by ED, but now its back and i can feeling taking over the space that ED left within me.

I'm too tired to fight it right now and i'm not even sure i want to fight it. It helps me manage my feelings. The feelings that feel overwhelming again; that i can't let out, that i can't show anyone or tell anyone, because they think i'm doing well. They think I'll be normal one day. I can't disappoint them and tell them that that day will never come and that the demon is in me - I am the demon.

Family will be upset, disappointed yet still have false hopes. Medics will either push me towards more pills or give up, having tried repeatedly. Friends? If i had any, they'd get fed up, move on and rightly so.

I don't want the demon to go. It is part of me. I'm lost without it.

Wake Up and Get Moving!!!!

Thats it. I really have had enough this time. My weight and BMI have increased yet again and shows no signs of stopping, i've reached a BMI of 22.7 and am now more than a stone heavier than i was before anorexia took hold. Once again the weigh in caused tears.

I'm now napping morning and afternoon and sleeping almost 10 hours at night. M said i was just like her cat, sleeping 50% of the day!

I have a phone consultation booked with K because its impossible to get an appointment and i'm going to tell her that i want to (and am going to) stop taking the clomipramine. And that i'm going to take the risk with my mood.

Then maybe i will get my backside down to the gym and then hopefully that will make a difference, but if not i guess its time to look at my diet and see where i'm going wrong there.

Oh, there was one more thing. The joys of being female have struck - yes, my period started and after an absence of 3 and a half years. I never did cope well with it before, but this first one has been more of a mental struggle.

All of that and one of my old CPNs (who i got on well with and kind of miss) telling me i looked "good" when she passed me today has left me with more tears and upset that i've felt for a while, but then recently i guess by trying to stay awake i've not had time to stop and cry. My head is reeling right now and it feels like its almost time for the afternoon nap, as my head also hurts and my eyes are closing. I need to make it down the road to the post box first and do a bit of online shopping for a very poorly little girl (no, i don't mean me!).

Sleeping Beauty

I give up. Or rather i give in - give in to sleep. Today has been another sedated day in the world of Susie Belle. At least with the Lofepramine i had energy to do things in the morning, whereas now i just feel constantly fatigued.

I woke up at 7.30am, due to the smells of cooking wafting up the stairs and other such noises from mum & D getting ready for work. From then until about 10am i remained in one place on the sofa only moving twice. Once to get a bagel and a piece of fruit for breakfast and again to make a hot chocolate. It wouldn't suprise me if i dozed off during that time, i was fighting to keep my eyes open and goodness knows where the time went to. At 10am i decided that maybe a shower would freshen me and revive me slightly. But to no avail and i soon returned to my position on the sofa, however not for too long this time. At about quarter past eleven i decided to stop fighting and crawled up the stairs (literally, as i had so little energy) to bed, where i quickly fell asleep and remained so for the next 45 minutes. Even through the night, after turning my light off at 10.30pm, last night i only woke once when i heard Mum and D's alarms go off, and due to health reasons they were due to be up every 3 hours through the night last night. So its not even like i didn't sleep well.

Its now 3.30pm, i've just been for a walk around the block which took me 15 minutes rather than the normal 10. Now, yet again i'm contemplating another nap! Although i don't think it's totally necessary this time, its possibly wise as i have to collect D at 5pm, and i have driven yet today because i wasn't awake enoughIn fact this is worse than the previous meds and i'm supposed to be starting a course at 9am tomorrow! Eeeek! I've decided not to take the tablets tonight (i've been up at 3 tablets (75mg) for the last 2 nights) and pray that i'm bouncing with energy tomorrow. I cancelled the gym induction this morning because it really is pointless right now. Pointless but much needed as i'm just eating and sleeping right now, and so need to get off my backside and do some serious exercise.

I know not taking the meds isn't really the right thing to do but if i want to make it tomorrow i can't really see another option. It's made me see that i clearly to kind of want to do the course, its probably more to do with the fact that i don't want to let a multitude of people down but i'm not using this as an excuse to back out is what i'm trying to say. I know i should stick with it for a bit longer, afterall its only been 9 days, but i'm very tempted to get an appointment with K and tell her i've had enough.

And now my eyes are closing again. Time to play the role of Sleeping Beauty again....perhaps i'll be woken by a prince this time?

Day 2

If only the energetic happy feelings of yesterday could have lasted. Too much to ask for i guess.

Day 1 of clomipramine - woke up & everything seemed huge. It was like someone had extended my vision, so i took a peek in the mirror (i don't mind looking at my face occassionally, its below the neck thats the problem) and noticed my pupils were dilated. Not a huge problem - i just felt totally wired - at 7.30am!! But the background tiredness from the lofepramine had ensured a good nights sleep. I think it was mainly the fact that i could notice such a difference in how i felt when i woke up, that made me feel uplifted in my mood. So i danced away to my ipod whilst getting ready and changing my bed (a job long overdue), because i had the energy, however i may had done a little too much dancing because after 90 minutes of walking round shops trying on trousers (i have about 2 pairs that fit properly -make that 3 now) i was a little exhausted. Although i didn't sleep in the afternoon, i did feel like i needed a sit down.

Throughout the day i have had this other strange feeling in my body, but i was unable to put my finger on it. I'm suprised at the difference just over night and on a starting dose too.

Day 2 - This morning my eyes are still wide but my mood is not as good, mainly down to the fact that i felt like i was awake most of the night, and when your pupils are so open even at night, it seems to make you feel even more awake. At least in the eyes even if the rest of the body just wants to sleep. I can be such a miserable cow if i don't get enough shut eye!

I think i've identified the other feeling too, i think its to do with the very slight tremors i've been feeling/getting.

I kept it to the starting dose again last night. K said if i felt ok then i could put the dose up with in a few days. So she's left it down to me, which is nice to know she feel able to trust me and leave it to my judgement. Depending how today goes i might put it up tonight, and if 50mg is too much too quickly i can always bring it down again for a day or so. I seem to recall being told to do that when i was starting Venlafaxine, aged 15 ish, when i experienced severe tremors.

As side effects go, this is really nothing, it just feels a little strange. I just want to clarify that if the dilated pupils don't settle down that it won't have a long term effect on my eyes. Afterall the reaction of your pupils happens for a reason - to protect your eyes!

Now i have the energy, or at least more energy than i've had for a long time, i'm thinking about trying to tidy my bomb site, sorry i mean my bedroom. Mum had a nag at the weekend, and rightly too, but i just haven't had the energy or motivation to do it. Admitedly the motivation still lacks slightly but while i have some energy i was to use it. Shame its not quite as much energy as yesterday, but i do think some of that was simply me noticing the difference & getting excited by that.

I was hoping that this might be the much needed energy to get me exercising and perhaps shifting some of the extra weight, or at least toning up what i've gained. This morning though, i'm not so sure. I'd rather go back to sleep again now......

Trying a cousin

Farewell Lofepramine......

Hello Clomipramine.......


I hope you have the benefits of your cousin but not the side effects! I don't want to sleep every afternoon, take fibre suppliments or gain any more weight! Fingers crossed we get on together.

Afternoon naps are a must

Well, a week after lowing the dose of the antidepressants i'm still shattered and need my afternoon naps. However if i don't get my nap....well here's an example of what happens if i get over tired because of a lack of sleep - despite sleeping 8-9 hours a night. Yesterday, at about 4pm i could feel the headache taking over and knew if i lay down i'd fall asleep, especially after not having a nap friday either. But as it was the weekend and mum and david are around i thought i'd try and be sociable and stay awake, however by 8pm i was shattered and straight after dinner, which was a mish mash of picky bits because i was too tired to be bothered to make a proper meal (of course mum then commented, rather gently actually, that i wasn't really eating properly again), i made myself a hot choc which is what i tend to do if i feel i want comfort or am about to go to bed.

Ok, i started this posted over 2 hours ago, in which time we've prepared & had dinner (BBQ & BBQed banana for pudding) so as i'm now pretty fed up i'm finally going to cut that long story very short!

After dinner whilst putting the dishes away i smashed 2 plates and cracked a 3rd (out of a set of 5!) and promptly burst into floods of tears, just as mum and D got back from a walk, then i yelled at mum when she tried to help me clear up. Something along the lines of "I made the bloody mess! I screwed up! So let me clear up the sodding mess!"

Mum did try the "get things into perspective" talk, which is especially true given one of our family across the pond lost a husband (also a father to 2) in a car crash 2 days ago but depression just doesn't want to let you do that, so i took myself off to bed, even though i was still hungry realised i hadn't had a great deal to eat for dinner -at 8.30pm.....

At 10pm i woke up (neighbours were having a birthday party) went downstairs had a banana & raided the chocolate tin.

I then slept for 11 and a half hours. Sadly even that wasn't good news - I dreamt i was pregnant, one of the longest dreams ever it seemed. What was even more depressing and upset was i woke and i realised i had my arm cradling my stomach. Depressing for 2 reasons i guess.

1. mainly the fact that i still hate how big my stomach has become. i have never been this big, in fact have never had a stomach, or at least not since age 8/9 when it was more puppy fat than anything else. It has always been flat & every morning when i get out the shower i cry and often sob because i wish it would go away. My stomach has also gained a fair few more scars too since it has grown, recently it seems about 3-6 (at one time) a week, but no-one knows about that at all, this is the first time i've said anything about it, and even then its under an anonomous identity.
2. It brings back the reality of no partner/boyfriend, and therefore no chance of starting my own family. Not that my body seems physically able again yet still. Although i have been getting that menstrual feeling again and this is the second month, and the similar time as last month i think. I never have been one to keep track of that sort of thing. I've always had other thing and seemingly more important things, mainly keeping myself alive and trying not to get sectioned!

Mum and D are going away later this month, so i'm spending the first part with my grandparents - my theory being if i leave before they do then i won't get so upset.

and now i've got to stop because mum's complaining my typing is too loud! For once she's not fallen asleep on the sofa!

Ups and Downs, Day by Day

K wanted me to try and keep a track of the ups and downs of my mood not just over a period of a month or week but how things pan out over the course of a day. I said i'd think up a way to show the zig zags in my mood, but so far i've not come up with a way. Maybe thats because a) i haven't really tried and b) my brain just can't work out clever things at the moment, that amount of focus and concentration just isn't going to happen in my head.

Today started with tears over body image/weight/fatness/size etc etc. Then settled into blankness and tiring/back breaking although slightly distracting tasks at work. Then a bit of pottering around trying to avoid food, then a bit of sitting with tie passing quickly which slowly drinking a very thick and very sweet, digesting aiding smoothie. Then a hair cut which resulted in looking at my own chubby self for too long which resulted in further tears, whilst fighting the urges to go upstairs and dismantle the new pack of razors i gave in to buying he other day. There was crying, sobbing and what finally made me realise i should sleep, a punching fit on my stomach & thighs which seemed completely out of my control and came from a place within that i didn't realise was even there. It was completely impulsive & like a burst, but it was almost like it wasn't me. It was that part of me that is impulsive and i feel i have no control over. It wasn't calulated or planned like the blood letting, or the majority of the cutting or other self harm, but more of a surprise to myself like the car crash.

So after crying until i had no more to give, i fell asleep. I think that was about half past 3 and when i woke it was 5 to 5. So once again i clearly needed it and although i felt no happier, i at least felt calmer.

This evening has been, one of trying to act ok. I can't let mum see how dangerous i feel, or rather how i felt earlier. Now i just feel shattered again.

I know on occassions that increases in medication doses can cause unbalance, & i want to put it down to that, but as always i'm so aware of my habits of denying the fact that its just me as i am and not being caused by anything else. We'll see, because tonight the dose goes up again to 210mg and after todays distress and outburst i'm tempted to consider K's suggestion about combining these meds with a mood stabiliser, however after past medication combination disasters & even lack of time left between 2 different meds causing major distress and suicidal issues, i am very very wary.

But all i want to do now is sleep & also hope that my hip pain doesn't stop me from working tomorrow, however if it does, part of me will be glad as i think it is about time to see someone about it, as its been on & off for almost 6 weeks now. I have been wanting a reason to see J, i feel like i desperately want to let out what is really going on inside & when i'm alone. I need to fall apart on someone & let it all out.

Therapy to cope with Therapy

I've just had one of those appointments that leaves you feeling like you need another session to talk over how the first session made you feel!!

Ok, so an appoinment with K isn't really therapy, but she certainly makes you think about things & question yourself.

Once again she said she was really pleased with me. I can see where she's coming from, but that doesn't change my feelings and thoughts. I still feel like crap, i'm still scared by myself & my thoughts & i still feeling like i want to attack myself, causing serious damage.

Last week i got to the kind of state that has put me in hospital before. The only difference this time is me, and how much i've grown up & matured. I'm not that teenager who doesn't think of the consequences anymore. I don't want to dissapoint people these days, or let them down. I could have easily overdosed, or self harmed more severely than i have been doing (yes, the ED is on the way out and SI is coming back) but the old, grown up Susie now has the maturity to think about what it would do to her mother, D, her Nan, my boss (now thats a new one to add to the list) etc etc. I don't want people to say "oh dear. again? what a shame..... she was doing to well..."

So instead last week i curled up on the sofa & cried until i fell asleep. I slept for almost a couple of hours, so i think i needed it. I've been trying to rest and restore my energy since then, but it just leaves me worrying that i'm over eating and being lazy and hence getting fat. Still having big issues with the fact that there is actually fat on my body now and that more of it has settled on my stomach. Thats despite people telling me i look "fab" - and yes that is quoted from someone from work! The boss was now "an attractive young woman" too. enough of my vain side.

Ok, i've been home an hour now so my brain is settling. Neighbours, on channel 5, might be helping distract me a tad.

K wants me to separate me from the illness. She wants me to be able to put the illness in the corner of the room and talk about it separate from me. She says she knows it will take time but she wants me to try. How can i though? Its all i ever remember really. From when i started secondary school i've seen counsellor, therapist, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, CPNs, GPs and the list goes on. I've been sectioned 3 times, 4 if mum hadn't put her foot down on one occasion. I've been in hopsital more times than i can count on one hand for certain but not quite into double figures. I've been on more types of medication than i can count on 2 hands, and that list is about to grow again, as K wants me to thing about trying a mood stabiliser in combination with the Lofepramine, which in a weeks time i will be up to the higher does of 210mg again. She thinks it might even things out day to day, even if it doesn't change the long term low, hopefully the lofepramine will do this.

There's still a part of me that doesn't want the meds to work. That part of me that doesn't know anything else and is scared of what the future holds.

If i wasn't tired enough before, i'm now mentally tired too, and mum's asked me to do their dinner tonight, but i need to work out what i'm doing for myself first.

Prevention is better than cure (not that there is a cure)

I saw K today, talking to her and admitting things to her made me realise i need to stop kidding myself once again, and admit to myself that my lowering mood may not just be because i'm tired.

She made me rewind and look back at when and why my depression/mental health issues started. Answer: Age 10 ish for not apparent reason. I simply never seemed to settle after moving house, in fact there were a few signs before that. I can recall my mother going to see my teacher when i was 9 to ask her about my mood and behaviour. Basically what she was getting at was that the depression was not caused by a major traumatic event and is more down to genetics and biological factors. As she put it a diabetic needs medication to stabilise blood sugars and someone with depression needs medication to stabilise their mood. So i've agreed to start back on the Lofepramine again. K thinks it did me some good, and she's a very experienced and knowledgeable GP, and i trust her. Immensely.

Sitting talking to her i could talk through my thoughts and secret actions with her and by doing so i realised that all the signs were there; crying at silly little things (like mum persistently asking to put some foot cream on my feet - i hate people touching my feet)and also for no apparent reason and thoughts of self harm becoming a reality. The blunt razor blade didn't cause more than a few scratches and i don't think i could cause myself the damage i used to anyway, in fact i'm not sure how i ever did. But today after realising i had forgotten to put sun tan lotion on my back and feeling it starting to bun, i purposely did nothing about it. I wanted to it burn, I wanted to cause 3rd degree burns, i wanted it to blister, i wanted it to hurt.

Its not enough though. I want to cause more damage. I want to get these crappy feelings out of me. K asked me if she needed to restrict my prescription, whether i was likely to overdose in other words. I assured her that despite wanting to destroy my body on the outside, i feel no urge to do so internally. I guess this has more to do with how i feel about my physically self right now, and how much i despise the way i look and feel. Yet despite this i'm going to go and get some chocolate because i want comfort. Afterall once this free chocolate is gone, its not like theres going to be anymore and i have two full days at work to burn it off!

Medication - mask or managment?

I know i have mixed views about medication but i don't think i can deny the fact that there haves been changes since being on the full dose. But will this mean i'll now be expected to live perfectly "normally"? I still feel like i'm on a rollercoast but i'm not sure that will settle until the eating/appetite settles itself.

But what will people think of me? Will i be expected to work full time? Move out of home? get a social life? make friends?

Or is the medication just masking the problem? Hiding the true me? Should i instead be changing my name to "Lofepramine Belle"?

Post Prompted by http://ed-bites.blogspot.com/2009/04/prozac-poster-girl.html

Still Hungry :(

after all this today:

• cereal - bowl of branflakes and maple and pecan crunch
• 1 mandarin
• chocolate rice crispy bar
• 6 goats cheese baby bel
• bread pudding
• tuna and sweetcorn baguette (this size)
• more bread pudding
• large greek salad with feta
• 3 mandarin
• chomp bar
• 4 opal fruit/starburst

oh i missed out 3 choccie eggs from thortons - creme egg sized 1, 2, & 3


AND I'M STILL HUNGRY! AGGGGHHHHH

i need to get a drink, dinner was quite salty and i thiknk its made me extra thirsty but i know i won't manage it without eating something. i think i'm going to grab a pear. if i decide up here i might stand a chance of not raiding the chocolate tin!

This is just far too much stress, so i'm running away to Nan's otherwise i will end up killing myself (and i'm not kidding!) or at least start cutting a lot more again. And at this rate it would be every couple of hours! I'm hoping with constant company and supervision i will stick to my "normal" meal plan. i just need to make it clear to nan that i need to stick to the plan i've typed up but i need her help to stick to it and not go over it. I don't think right now theres a fear of going under it!

its gone from one extreme to the other! i hope its not side effects from meds because if it is then its not going to go away......


Edit: dammit mum was still downstairs and in the lounge with the fruit bowl (sounds like cluedo!). glass of milk and 4 pack starburst again - oopps

Edit 2: so much for the pear - pear, chomp, mini curly wurly and mini dairy milk... i've really had enough of fightin me today....

Back on the Waggon

I wish i knew what was going on in my head. I foolishly got on the scales this morning, not a huge increase but any increase still sends messages to my brain like red alert signals.

I cried when mum left for work - panic about being alone and how i was going to get through the day i think. But then something snapped inside again and i got myself a bowl of branflakes and maple and pecan cereal with milk, something i haven't done in years. Trouble was then i'd started the appetite off and wanted more and more. So i had a mandarin to try and combat the hunger without going into binge mode, yet when i went to make a drink i still couldn't resist a cereal bar.....grrrrr.

i wanted to try and make it a day of normal meals and snacks. i guess if i counted the cereal bar as a snack and just say i had it early? Hmmm, does that make me sound like i'm kidding myself? If i'm kidding myself does that mean i can have another snack when i'm out mid morning? STOP IT!!!

see this is what i'm battling in my head right now. But while i'm still so under weight can i afford to just let go a bit until i've gained the 2 stone i need to? will it sort itself out more once i've gained the weight?

i hope so because i'm not sure how else to deal with this. Perhaps staying with Nan is the right option. I'd be with someone 24/7 at least.