Tuesday, 30 November 2010


Dietician in London wants me to eat 1600 a day, keeping it the same each day & eating the majority before evening -maximum of 600 for dinner/evening.

Eating earlier means i am just left hungry later on still. When i was restricting in the mornings more at least i knew what i could allow myself later on. But now - today especially - i have 300 calories left of that allowance and it not even 6pm.

There has been punches thrown but i really felt like doing a lot worse to myself. Trouble is i have almost finished an application to Uni (i know, what AM i thinking?!) but they way my harming is, i can't risk being found out. Harming for me is never superficial anymore, it hasn't been for years. But if something goes wrong...... I just can't risk a disaster - more for the Uni course - i can't risk occy health failing me. I really want take it out on my arms but that is just unacceptable.

But i can't cope with this.

It seems K doesn't really understand, which only leaves M. At least K agrees that going to the CPA and facing Dr L & TP would cause unnecessary distress. But she doesn't seem to understand the food thing. I mentioned that i couldn't live my life on 1000 calories a day - to which she replied some girls do. But K, are they girl who are also trying to train for a marathon?!

She just seemed to imply that this was just a normal girly thing - yes maybe - but surely its a bit different for someone who had a BMI of 12 less than 2 years ago?

I'm dreading the weigh in with M tomorrow, i'm sure after 7 days on 1600 (and a weekend over that because weekend are shit, oh & today which i have also spent in my PJs crying) that i will have gained, which means i dread to think what will happen after a month like this, not that i'm sure i will be able to keep it up.

I just wish i could find a job or rather be accepted for a job & life could be normal. The longer i'm in this hole the more i feel i'm being dragged backwards. And i'm losing the will to fight it again.

Friday, 19 November 2010

Children in Need - Slap in the Face!

One of the first clips they showed tonight for the appeal was about equine therapy. It featured young people from Northern Ireland who suffered from various mental health issues, including BPD. The intro said how they contemplated suicide, self harm bla bla bla....

Sorry, but it makes me really angry. As a teenager i would see the programme and imagine how these various charities could help me & make my life better, but i didn't have access to them - no instead i got sectioned or admitted to an adolescent unit, spending nights on adult psych wards until they found a bed on the adolescent units at age 14!

Surely in their research they must have realised how rare access to equine therapy is! I tried and tried as a teenager to find it, but discovered there were only a handful across Great Britain. And i don't think the situation has changed much, as i have looked within the past couple of years again.

But my point is how many other young teenagers are sitting watching Children in Need, quietly next to their parents, hiding their emotions, feelings & possibly the fact that they self harm? How many are thinking "Thats how i feel! Maybe equine therapy could help me!" Only to find that it is next to impossible to access. How many teenager feel like Children In Need is just a slap in the face because they are unable to access any of these charities, groups & services?

Friday, 12 November 2010

Nightmares (gets horror movie style at the end)

I was so pleased to be woken up by mum closing my door to this morning. I felt trapped in the last part of the nightmare. It was as though i was aware of them moving around next door but i couldn't escape the nightmare which was just about to develop into a horror movie.

From when i remember, it started with being on a ship or ferry or some kind of boat, which capsized and sunk with us inside. Must have got out though, not sure how, don't really remember the end of that dream.

Then there was something about going to a theatre with mum. That seemed harmless, nothing nasty there.

The next bit was back to the hospital setting. I seemed to be coming back off leave, except i wasn't allowed to go to my room on my own & was followed by 2 members of staff. My room had be turn upside down by builders but in the process they had broken a chocolate figure i had (something i was keeping as an ornament, not planning on eating) & it was now a headless figure. I started to lose my temper and look round the rest of the room which was filthy. The toilets hadn't been flushed, there had been a rabbit living in the room & there was straw & rabbit poo everywhere. It was a shit hole basically.

I then seemed to be outside the ward & saw a bloke i knew, he was with 3 others getting out of a car & rushing to a house. I stopped one of the other guys & asked him if i could go with them, he told me he didn't think i really wanted to do that. It seemed to dawn on me that they were about to go & section someone. I asked this other guy if i knew him, is said he worked at Goldsmith (which i appeared to know as a secure unit across the other side of the county) but he also said that he met me when i was there. I told him i hadn't been an inpatient there, however he told me other wise. At that point my words were "Oh shit" and i remember thinking "How many other places have i been or been sectioned to and remember nothing about?"

Now comes the horror movie bit

The row of houses that they were going into was an area of supported housing for those with severe learning difficulties. This then changed to one house in the countryside where a mother had got her daughter with Downs Syndrome to lure this young girl to their house with the help of another lad. In the back garden there was a bridge over a large pond, but it seemed to be moving towards us (i seemed to be there just as an observer) & the disabled girl had a large piece of paper which she fed through this machine that was attached to the underside of the bridge. It cut this paper into thinner slices, a bit like a meat slicer. I could see the young lured girl standing in front of his bridge unaware as it was coming towards her, i could see what was going to happen, i felt like i was screaming inside for it to stop & although i'd already imagined what had happened, i didn't see it happen in the dream, which at least felt like it wasn't so real and graphic.

Which was why i sprang out of bed this morning and now an hour later have filled myself with caffeine tablets, painkiller, a light breakfast & am now going to go to the gym and start a 3 hour exercise session. 1000 calories here we come!

Sunday, 7 November 2010


Every now & then there are things that bring me back to reality and make me realise that i'm not as strong as i think i am. Brings me back to reality so to speak.

I've helped someone set up a website page for their business. It was a business i was simply at a customer at but became friends with the owner during a period when i needed a safe place to be & just sit. She let me sit in a corner of the shop during quiet afternoons & just be. So when i picked up mood wise i offered to do this for them.

Now the page is up & running, the business is growing and i discovered this morning that i may have just lost my unofficial place in the team. The owner isn't totally computer literate & last week i spent half an hour teaching her some admin bits and i thought she'd asked me to go back next week for lesson 2, but having checked the page this morning, the Saturday girl is now an admin & another account has been created under the business name. Why i don't know, because she was able to do it from her personal account.

I know its not my business, i know i'm not an employee but i feel hurt & rejected. I feel like i don't want to go there & buy thing anymore. We are regular customers, buying produce weekly, but i don't want to face them.

Right now i want to hide & cry. I can feel the tears building. I guess i just don't know where i stand.

I don't think it helps that we went to friends for dinner & fireworks last night & my 1100 workout Friday didn't help in the slightest. Its that shitty out of control, overeating feeling.

After nibbles of peanuts, crisps & olive there was a starter of onion soup the a cheesey toast on top. A main of spaghetti carbonara, slightly healthier because it was the traditional way with egg and a little cheese, rather than the modern cheat of cream & cheese. But then came dessert which was a selection of small cakes & tarts cut into larger bitesize portions and then came the chocolates. Stress levels being high i lost control & even when we got home at 12.30am i kept going nicking a chocolate of mum's & the a WW rice pudding - at that time of night!

Now this morning i still feel out of control, can't get myself together - need to go for a run but can't find the motivation or just get my head together. I need to do half hour or about 3 miles, but i can't do it with my head not focussed.

Saturday, 6 November 2010

BBC: Benefit reforms could 'push thousands into poverty'

From my point of view i disagree with this article. Not because i think the benefits reform is a good & right thing.

But i don't think with me i would/will be pushed into poverty. I must say this is another big reason i am trying to get a job. Instead of being pushed into poverty, if i were forced to get a job and the pressure was on me greatly - that is when i rapidly relapse & fall apart.

I wouldn't be pushed into poverty - i'd be pushed into hospital i think.

Friday, 5 November 2010

Eating Disorder? Nah i'm not losing weight! (calorie details warning)

Yesterday was the London ED Unit appointment. Had to be there for 1pm so yesterday morning i got up, went for a 2 mile run and then left on my 2 hour journey (30 minute drive, 1 hour tube, 30 minute walk). Should have worn my HRM on my journey to see hour my very brisk power walking improved calorie burning. But i didn't so when i go back to the town where the car was i went the gym & did 45 minutes of weights & abs.

So do i have an Eating Disorder? well she didn't really say yesterday, although she didn't fob me off. My description of my diet & a 2-3 mile a day seemed to be enough. I failed to mention the hour in the gym that i also do 5 days a week.

I wonder what she would have thought of today. I want to tell someone because i feel so so proud, but then i also know its not something everyone would understand. I'm not even sure M would be on my side with this one. What i do know is i love my heart rate monitor!

So today's activities:

  • at the gym for 8.10am, dump stuff in locker, change shoes
  • 5 min walk warm up, Training of Run 15 mins, walk 5, run 15. During the training time i managed to cover 3.3 miles all good progress. 5 min walk cool down. (HRM: 405)
  • The back to changing rooms, change shoes, have cereal bar, refill water bottle and go to first class.
  • LBT class 50 mins (HRM: 317)
  • Step class straight after (HRM: 423)
I left the gym on a complete high, no pain from injury & i felt alive. I think a great new step routine helped there. After than i had bits to do at home, mum was home off work, she's still not right after the car accident. Lots of washing (hmmm, some of which is still in the tumble drier....) and then off to teach someone about computers & the internet. So not overly active this afternoon but after burning over 1100 this morning i don't think i needed to be jumping up and down all the time.

As for the eating side, if i don't know exact calorie details i always make sure i over-estimate, so according to the food diary the final total with be 1300 by the time i go to bed.

Now if that regime doesn't lose me this spare tyre goodness knows what will. I know today was more extreme than normal, i mean calorie intake is normally around that, although we are going out for dinner tomorrow night so i'd better behave during the morning and at lunch! But exercise sessions normally total about 400 right now, although as running times increase that will too i guess.

But if i feel that good after 3 hours on a friday morning, i don't care. Makes me sad to think that as soon as i get a job i'll lose that. Guess it will just mean very early runs and evening classes to get the work done.

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