Saturday, 4 April 2009

Drowning (posts ends v. anorexic thoughts)

Sorry i've been quiet. I've been slowly sinking and there's a huge part of me that just doesn't care. Bascially if they end up sectioning me, which is the only way they'll get me into a unit, it's my own fault because i'm asking for it. Mum's made it clear she'd put up no objections if it came down to it.

M said if i don't gain any weight over the next 2 weeks, after losing another something like another 1.5kg by her records (which tallys with what i'm reading on my scales.), then she's looking for a bed ASAP. Forget the waiting list, she's getting me a bed. This was what a part of me was hoping she'd say. But for some reson those words didn't sink in. Another part of my brain just sat there and said "It's ok. There's others who need the beds more than you and there's waiting lists a mile long. She'll never find a bed! Don't worry, it'll never happen."

I told M these thoughts, to which she assured me when she really needed a bed, she never had trouble getting one!

Maybe part of those words did sink in. Because i left there in a state and called mum. I finally said some of those things that i'd wanted to say. Things like having someone there at lunch, or going into work with D all day so i'm under a bit more pressure to eat. Even if its just my soup and a slice of bread right now. At the moment i'm lucky to allow myself the soup. But as usual i think it fell on deaf, or rather non-comprehending, ears. I wish i'd never opened my mouth.

The other thing thats i've done over the past couple of days is eat things that would normally be totally off my radar (but that are really tasty!). Thursday i spotted a cafe selling Bread Pudding. Not what they call bread pudding in the US and not British bread and butter pudding but something with a recipe like this or this, although i suspect the slab i had contained suet as well, so even more scary. So anyway i plucked up the courage, bought it and ate it as i walked round town. I hadn't actually had anything yet that day, and needless to say i didn't have anything til dinner after! And tried to walk as much as i could. I still don't think it was enough to counteract the stodge and i totally regret doing it.

Then yesterday for some reason despite hating myself i did it again! i did have 3 pieces of fruit before i decided to get off my backside and go into london, which i knew meant a lot of walking so therefore i could afford to eat something while i was out. I decided to go to Borough Market in search of spider crab and giant prawns, but of course ended up tasting lots of other things like brownies, cheese and then when i could see any bread pudding (which i had now of course got a taste for..... the reason why i shouldn't have gone there in the first place and started eating these things) i decided on something else for lunch/treat as i'd done lots of walking (but sadly also lots of tasting....grrrr! no willpower!). I'm all for trying something new, new cuisines, new produce etc etc. Borough is full of different things and things that are harder to get hold of but they are often more expensive of course. Anyway i bought some Salsify from a veg stall, some fudge for Nan and Raclette to eat then and there. I found this photo on flickr which although was taken 2 year ago, i swear it is still the exact same people! So basically potatoes (slightly crushed), salt, mini gherkins and pickled onions with melted cheese on the top. Then because of course i'd started i couldn't stop.

There was a cooking demonstration going on, and when i was offered a tasted of half a pancake with sliced banana, caramel sauce and chopped nuts, i caved once again. After that i was starting to stress, my two sides were starting to collide so i got walking, making sure to choose a route that was going to involve more walking that sitting on the tube. I still had to meet mum to do the shopping as well (where i tried to tell her what i'd done/eaten but it just ended in an argument and reminded me why i don't bother telling her about things, so i didn't mention the bread pudding from thursday). I couldn't let myself sit down on the hour tube journey on the way home, and plugged my ipod in making sure i was tapping my foot and fidgeting in time to the music. I didn't care how stupid i looked.

And of course i tried my hardest to compensate at dinner with a salad of low calorie cheese and roasted red onions. I did have a pomelo after, which i wish i could have held back from but did enjoy.

This morning i'm planning on going to a market, if nothing else just to walk some more. Mum and D aren't up yet and although breakfast (porridge oats with rhubarb) is there and ready, i might me able to get away with washing it down the sink. I don't normally waste stuff but i'm so stressed and with it being the weekend i'm going to have to eat lunch with them home.... I'm leaving in half hour, i warned mum i wanted to go, so i'm kind of glad they're not up yet.

So there you go. Susie Belle is more screwed up than ever! I question myself right now. Perhaps i do want to go into hospital but getting them to force me in is the only way its going to happen? Maybe i'm seeing this as a way out, but not via the hospital exit - i don't really think i want the cardboard box exit but i really don't know what i'm thinking any more.

Sorry for such a depressing and anorexic post. But i think it shows how much anorexia messes with your thoughts and your mind.

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