Sunday, 29 March 2009

I'll order......

.....a portion of recovery, please - but without the side of weight gain and then to follow i'd like an order of sanity but does that come with stability or not?

Mum and i had words last night. Not an argument as such but lots of raised voices and tears from me. I came so close to telling her my suggestions like eating out more, because when we're out despite chosing what i think will be the lowest in calories, i know it won't be anywhere near as few as what i'd make at home. Or the thought of going to work with D each day so i'm stuck there and have to take lunch (not just a bowl of soup) with me and have to have breakfast before i go. Or her making a sandwich for me of a morning so i'm expected to eat it, but the way i am at the moment i'd probably compost the filling and give the bread to the birds - it would clear my conscience about wasting it!
But i couldn't get the words out. That part of me that doesn't want to gain weight, that feels like an elephant at the slightest bloatedness was stronger than the fearful part of me thats caused by the palpitations and other physical issues.
It's just left me feeling low and tired. The fact we lost an hours sleep last night due to the clocks springing forward at 2am probably hasn't helped much.
I went to see [farmer boss] a couple of days ago. He was clearly angry and certainly wasn't as warm and friendly as when i saw him before Christmas. He told me though that he was. He said part of him felt sad to see me looking so thin and the other part of him felt angry about it. Angry that i'd let things slip i guess. He eventually said that he was shocked when i walked in. I asked it it was really that noticeable. He said it was and he expected his secretary would tell him the same on monday.
That issue alone fills be with dread for today. Mum's going down to see my grandparents and i was planning on going with her. D goes out on the last sunday of each month which means mum and i get some time together to do something, however this month she wanted to go down south to see Nana and Grandpa. For once its not even really the eating issue, or rather the stress of eating down there. I know whats planned for lunch and Nan's even said i can just cook my own (it's scallops so i'm even kind of wanting to go). But the thought of comments (the truth basically but not in a nice way) from my grandfather and the concerned caring eyes from Nan, i know grandpa will have had warnings about saying things but it won't stop the hurt to Nan.
All i can do is chose clothing that doesn't cling, covers up and hopefully hides the skeleton. Or upset Nan just as much and don't go but that would mean being on my own all day and i don't know why but thats harder at a weekend than during the week when i'm normally on my own anyway!

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