Saturday, 18 April 2009

This Little Piggy......

Well i'm home after my trip to the seaside, after a pretty disasterous final day. Maybe i can put it down to the stress of knowing that running away for a few days, 95 miles away won't solve the issue. I had no web access down there due to staying with a couple who push their technology skills to a DVD player and digital TV at the most, but then its just a generational thing really. Anyway i typed up a post and saved it to my laptop so i'll find that later and put it up.

But to today. Dare i list todays food list? If you don't like tales of greed i suggest you stop reading here because this little piggy really went to market again today.

Well it started at about 6.15am with about 4 chocolates (grandpa opened the packet last night and i wish he hadn't), then after a drink i continued with a Mandarin. Before breakfast i popped out to get grandpa's paper as his knee was hurting him, and came back with the paper.........and stashed in my bag a double decker, a small packet of Dolly Mixtures (both childhood favourites) oh and the empty wrapper from the ginger bread man i had munched down on the way back from getting the newspaper.

So then i had a large bowl of cereal for breakfast (a mix of museli, fruit and fibre and some other mixture they had in a jar) before setting off to get the shellfish for Nan's birthday lunch. On the way to the fishmonger i devoured the double decker, which was just as good as i remember and as i set off back home i opened the dolly mixtures. But of course this just didn't touch the sides, so i stopped at a tescos express and decided on a chicken caesar wrap. What i really fancied was something like a hot cheese and onion pasty, but sadly there was nothing hot there. Also on the way home i stopped off at the Walk In Centre/A and E because my throat was so sore by this time that swallowing liquid was painful, but this couldn't match the power of the hunger. With all the ulcers in my mouth now (i think it's one ulcer and the rest is just where I've managed to bite my own cheek) Nan suggested that maybe my throat had gone the same way but the doctor said he couldn't see any sign of infection but that it did look inflamed. It feels like I've been trying a career as a flame thrower personally. But he gave me a prescription for a spray (which i have to say has so little affect i may as well not bother!)

So of course after getting back with the crab and bits, i had to go for a walk to find a chemist for the spray. Could i manage to go past the shop without going in there? Don't be silly. In fact i had to go further on (up a steep hill) to the 2nd chemist because the 1st didn't stock the spray. By going to the 2nd chemist I passed the bakery.......where i got myself a piece of bread pudding. Forget wine connoisseurs, i could be a bread pudding connoisseur! but then i decided i wanted something savoury, so got a warm cheese straw. Which i ate on the walk back.

Before lunch i felt like i needed to walk some of the bloatedness off, or i was worried i wouldn't be able to eat enough of lunch to hide the fact that i'd already eaten a lot more than just the bowl of cereal. So i took a walk into town for a couple of hours but on my way back to the bus stop spotted a pack of 6 chocolates that were half price, very nice ginger and caramel chocolates. I mean i could have bought the pack of 2 mini ginger and lemon slabs that were the same price in the sale, but i decided to spend the same amount of money on less chocolate so i would only be able to eat those six instead of 2 mini slabs. I put them in my bag for after lunch.

For our late lunch we had a seafood platter with bread and salad. I'm sure i ate more than everyone else, which for me included 2 slices of bread, 2 scallops, 3/4 large tiger prawns, a smoked trout fillet, a few mussels and clams and some salad. Finally after that i was feeling tired and slugish but more importantly full. However by the time it came to the drive home that full feeling was subsiding. I "tidied up" 1/2 an apple as otherwise it would have just been put in the compost bin, we packed the cars and headed off. I did fel sad leaving but i think a lot of my anxiety was about returning home, knowing that these 3 days away didn't help much in the way of stopping me from over eating. So i used my 6 chocolates to calm my anxiety as i left the coast heading north. But by half was where i stopped for a quick break my mouth was dry, i needed a drink and left the shop with a couple of bottles of drink.......and a Yorkie bar, which got me through the final hour of my journey.

Back at home, the tears and stress have started already. Mum doesn't know what to say or do. I feel like i'm being so greedy in what i'm eating. But since i've been home tonight i've had a mandarin, a large bowl of cereal, a toasted hot cross bun and a couple of slices of bread and low fat spread (which i also had on my bun). I just about finally feel full (ish) but i guess tired more than anything else, as it's been another stressful day and i haven't slept perfectly well the last couple of nights.

I don't know how i'm going to cope now i'm back home. I'm so tired emotionally i almost can't be bothered to fight the hunger, but it really isn't much fun eating something you should enjoy, whilst crying because you hate yourself so much for doing it and wish you could have a bit more self control. Mum thinks i should talk to M, but for some reason i just can't see she's going to have anything helpful to say. And i think K will be just the same on Tuesday.

Despite my throat feeling like i'm swallowing a razor blade (one thing i haven't actually ever tried suprisingly given my history) every time i swallow, i could still happily go downstairs now and find myself some chocolate. I'm so glad we don't have very big stocks of things like chocolate. And frustratingly i can't even really use lots of mandarins to shut my brain up and keep it occupied as i discovered tonight that the acid in them makes my throat even worse.

Chocolate doesn't though..................

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