Sunday, 19 April 2009

Back to the old routine?

I got on the scales this morning to see how my new "diet" had affected things, can you believe i almost forgot to do it! In 10 days i've gained 10lb. Thats a pound a day!! I think thats a little too fast. Things have got to change. Either i do a heck of a lot more exercise, or i cut back on the food. I think the food is more the issue, i need to somehow gain more control.

But i'm running out of ideas. I've tried going with cereals and wholegrain stuff as is suggested with the GI index. I've tried dried fruit to fill me but it just takes at least 250g of the stuff to do so and i know thats healthier but its still so high in calories (ok i know thats not a bad thing but i think anorexia is fighting back here).

My current weight puts my BMI at 14.4 which is almost reassuring to my anorexic side but then that also sets off thoughts in my brain that say its still ok to eat more, but then anorexia bites back and pulls me back into line.

I really can't deal with whats going on in my head. I cried myself to sleep last night as i lay there with thoughts of self harm that were so distressing, and the thing is i'm scared i'm going to carry them out before long through sheer desperation at trying to handle the conflict in my head.

hopefully we'll go for a bike ride this morning, maybe that will clear my head and my conscience a bit. All i've got to do is make sure that if i work up an appetite that i keep in under control. Fingers crossed, and maybe my incredibly sore throat will help althought it didn't stop me last night!

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