Monday, 13 April 2009

Mood Swings

I don't know what is going on in my head. Its like the anorexia is coming and going. I started the day with a breakfast of 2 mandarins and a very "past it" nectarine. Not exactly very substantial when you consider the plans for the day ahead - a 5 mile (at least) walk.

Yet then whilst we were out and stopped at a National Trust visitor centre for lunch i became a normal person, anorexia was no-where to be seen. I decided on a ploughmans and was considering something sweet for afters too, but came to my senses and decided i'd go back if i wanted something else, but by the time i'd finished the wedge of cheddar (which was disappointing to be honest, and the chutney that went with it was more like jam, far too sweet.) doorstep slice of bread (which i even spread real butter on!) and salad (including coleslaw) i didn't really need a cake. Despite feeling like i could have done, mum reminded me we'd be stopping in the next village for afternoon tea, and maybe i should leave it and perhaps have something there instead. Which is what i did in the end.

So with afternoon tea (or in my case a diet coke, as i didn't fancy tea) i had a slice (a very large helping) of carrot cake with a very sickly sweet icing on top. Which was divine. I was hoping they'd have some bread pudding - i really am obsessed with the stuff now. I dreamt about it all night last night, which really distressed me actually because i just couldn't get it out of my head.

On the way home i was praying we'd end up stopping to eat out for dinner. I had no plans or ideas as to what i was going to have otherwise. Although we stopped for a drink, because it was a Bank Holiday eating at the pub we'd stopped at wasn't really an option.

But in the 30 minutes it then took to get home the content i was planning for dinner went rapidly down hill and anorexia was firmly back with me. It went from a jacket potato with coleslaw, beetroot and other salad bits (like olives etc), then to a couple of slice of bread with beetroot, coleslaw and other salad bits, and finally to a bigger helping of coleslaw, beetroot and a tin of weightwatchers tuna mayo and sweetcorn on a big bowl of lettuce. I held back to a mandarin for pudding but have managed to allow myself my options hot chocolate. Anorexia is certainly back with me.

I almost feel suicidal i'm so on edge. The thoughts running through my head are not happy ones. Instead they are very destructive, very impulsive, very intrusive and very agressive.

I think a lot of it is fear about tomorrow. Today i managed to voice to mum about the suggestion of her making me my childhood favourite the way she used to do when i was little - macaroni cheese. But sitting here now, i'm praying the topic will never resurface.

Oh, and i text M today, telling her that i want a break and that her weighing me it making things worse. Which is true because after this long weekend i was planning to almost fast in preparation for seeing M on wednesday. Well even now my mood has been taken over by anorexia again i still don't plan on seeing her. I can't take another hour like last week - just sitting there almost in silence for over half the time. I've had enough of talking about life. Trouble is i don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow. I just don't trust myself to try and eat more when i'm alone because thats when i lose control and things go horribly wrong.

Despite the fact i've eaten more today i didn't feel at all guilty at the time about the ploughmans or the yummy cake. I don't feel over the moon about it now but i guess i'm not majorly stressed by it because my mind is now thinking i can sort it out over the next few days (i.e restrict) and also we did walk for a couple of hours at least today.

I just worry about how i'm going to fill my day without going near anywhere that might lead to temptation and get me started on something i can't stop again. Earlier in the day, around lunch time i was ready to ignore the scales, eat to gain weight and recover etc etc. But now tonight all that has gone again and tomorrow i expect i'll be back on the scales, restricting to the fruit and controlling my intake right down to the last drop of liquid.

Someone stop the roller coaster. Please? I want to get off.

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