Saturday, 11 April 2009

Screw you anorexia! (well, so far today and for lunch but i doubt for dinner!)

I'm having a pretty screwed up day eating wise, but almost in a good way. Certainly in a "screw anorexia" way.

I chucked breakfast (mum and D were late getting up) and went to the farmers market. Like last week the thought was skip brekkie just incase i ended up buying something. Which i did. 3 things in fact. I ate 2 and bought one home for lunch.

Realising i needed petrol, i popped into town. Ok, so thats not true. I went into town because i wanted more bread pudding (like i say i'd already had 2 pieces and have one for later) and i knew 2 shops that sold it. Only one was open though. So that was only one more piece. But then i needed a white cabbage and whilst i was in the supermarket i bought a Cadbury's Creme Egg, which was possible a bit too sweet. I was on my "well i've started to i may as well carry on" path, which then lead me to the bakers where i picked up a fruit scone. I said i'd pop into Boots for mum, oh and while i was there i picked up a snack pack of raisins......

On the way back to the car i thought i'd see if Waitrose had any crab for dinner, they didn't. However somehow i did end up buying a oatmeal and raisin cookie.

And now i've suggested to mum going down to the tea room for lunch. where the plan is to order something with melted cheese. Mum doesn't know about all the other stuff though. I was going to try and go for a scone with clotted cream and jam after but i think i've made myself feel to ill already. Oh well i can always show her i'm trying with the bread pudding i still have in my bag, later on if i feel i can manage it.

I doubt this will continue to dinner, and tomorrow when i see the scales go up (i don't think they will even stay the same after today - let alone go down! i know i've walked but not that much!) i will freak out and things will go back to the way they were. Plus i fully intend going walking with them when they go either sunday or monday. But with the scales saying 4 st 12.75lb still. i know i'm not going to get fat in an instant and i'm currently trying to work through a bloated feeling.

I do feel kind of dizzy and strange though. I think it may be a bit of a sugar rush, unsurprisingly from what i've eaten. That and the fact i'm probably panicing like crazy so my brain is buzzing and going manic because my anxiety levels are also sky high. Just go to hold it together and calm down a bit. well 12.50pm - time to head out for lunch.

The hardest part? Not the eating really but feeling a lack of recognistion from mum and i know there will certainly be a lack of praise, i'm still not sure she knows how to. Oh well.

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