Thursday, 9 April 2009

ITV - The truth about online anorexia

probably shouldn't be watching this, but then again maybe at the same time it will hurt so much mentally that maybe i'll see past my eating disorder. And then again i expect i'll carry on crying tonight, cry myself to sleep and then wake up tomorrow morning and nothing will change.

Fearne Cotton's just interviewed a mother and the best friend of a girl who died aged 19 at 4 and a half stone. It hit hard because i'm only 6 lb from there. But what was my brain saying?

"Yeh, but i bet she was much taller than i am"

Trying to justify my own weight. I wish i knew if the girl died suddenly or whether she had any warning signs. Maybe if i knew that she had no warning it would help me see that i could be that close to it and not know it.

I got the report from the assessment today - basically just repeating what i said to her there and saying we know you are reluctant to come in as an inpatient but have a think about it - as if i'm going to change my mind just like that.

I feel so strange about fixing the scales yesterday with fluids. Perhaps its because deep down, the sensible part of me knows that i'm not just fooling M, but its just me sinking further into denial that i already am, if thats at all possible.

It's the long Easter weekend with Mum and D at home for 4 days instead of the normal 2. Today i cut back again because i know i'll eat more that i want to this weekend. You know all i can think of right now? "Please let Tuesday come quickly so i can counteract the horrors of this wekend"

Mum and D are planning on going for a walk somewhere this weekend, which will be a good 2/3 hours long at least. I feel too shattered and exhausted to want to move right now, yet there's a bigger part of me that says i should go with them because i am going to be eating more this weekend. If anything i know i should be eating extra especially if i'm planning on going walking.

I'm being a bit foolish posting this before bed really, although by upsetting myself maybe crying myself to sleep will get this out of my system before the long weekend ahead with Mum and D at home. So I have one final thought for today, which is something i have realised but perhaps not completely admitted to myself yet.

Maybe a big reason i'm reluctant to find the energy to fight this, is because if I'm not ill, mum won't care about me. She won't have a reason to care, to love me or to want me around.

And now i can't see for tears again, so Good Night.

4 people had something to say about this:

rose said...

Hey little lady,
hang on in there. In answer to your thoughts..
It doesn't matter how tall you are because some people die at heavier or lower weights than other anorexics do. Also, death may occur suddenly in anorexics — even when someone is not severely underweight. This may result from abnormal heart rhythms (arrhythmias) or electrolyte imbalances. So to be blunt, the very low weight you are now and the lack of nutrition and food is enough to kill you today or tomorrow sweetheart. Your body is starting to consume itself in order to survive, this results also in losing muscle and you will become weaker and weaker. As to treatment, letting you think about going in as an in patient is kind. You may not see it that way, but they are trying not to take away your control of the situation. I have been on the other side, I know the deliciousness of control, of being very thin and the high this produces. You have issues with your mum that will can be met without anorexia, you just see your illness as the only way to get your mum to care for you, but you know what hun? you are actually wrong!! there are other ways and means to get the warmth, love and affection you need from a relationship with your parents, siblings or friends. This isnt the way! big hugs for you,
Rose x

Susie said...

thank you for you support and encouragement Rose.

I think sometimes i almost wish the would take the control, at least when i'm struggling with whats going on in my head. But then i also know i would probably freak out if that control was taken from me.

As for mum? anorexia hasn't gained me warmth, love and affection. i think my mental health issues have driven her away from me over the years and to me honest i'm not sure she shows her care with hugs and cuddles anyway. I'm not sure its something i'll ever really find with her, it feels like that period in our relationship has ben missed and is lost. Maybe its just not her style?

thank you Rose

rose said...

You're welcome :O) If I may be allowed, perhaps I could share another thought with you, and perhaps you will disagree, but at least think it over before you do so :O)..
When we are born and when we are very small, we have to be the centre of someones life. We are completely dependant on our parent for our life so naturally we grow within a cocoon of having someones complete and total attention. This happens naturally in a healthy family arrangement.This is the flowerbed if you like - for a healthy psyche. If the parent is damaged or operating from a passed on emotional deficit - this doesn't happen. In other words, if you have never been the centre of some ones universe, you grow up still needing this. Most folk will shame a child or an adult for wanting attention - but children desperately need it to grow, its part and parcel of their inbuilt emotional needs and system of belief.
Adults who are unable to do this actually still need it themselves and will resent it in their children. To nutshell it - adults crave what they craved when they were little and will shame or deny their own children the same basic needs - to have attention and be validated or approved for just being who they are. Your mum is lacking this and denying the same for you and you are still craving it and not getting it from her. Remember - society is mindset in many ways and some of them very wrong - it is not, I repeat not a shameful thing to want attention, validation and acceptance. It is an inbuilt healthy need that gives us the ability to grow as a person. There are other ways to find this beyond your parents. :O)

On another point, this is also coloured by our internal grid system, but that is another post.. :O)
People are complicated and so are situations, most interactions are made up of many facets and the above opinion is just one of them yeah?
Big hugs f

Susie said...

Well that would certainly be true with mum. she had 2 terminally ill siblings growing up. Needless to say her parents had their hands full and i think there was a lot of responsibility put on her. She's close to her mother now but i'm not sure she had the chance growing up.

Do you have a blog at all Rose?

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