Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Its that time of day where i feel like if i were catholic i should be going to confession.

Forgive me Father for other than breakfast (large bowl of cereal), lunch (sandwich, cake and fruit) and dinner (jacket potato, cottage cheese, salad and cake), today i have eaten......

  • 1 Bournville chocolate bar
  • 1 slice of bread and flora extra light
  • 1 large bowl of cereal
  • 1 banana
  • 1 whole bunch grapes
  • 1 McDonalds Cheeseburger
  • 2 Fudge Mini bars
  • 1 Dairy Milk Mini bar
  • another banana
  • and by the end of the night 95g dried fruit.

And hopefully thats it.

Saw M today. "you're doing the right thing" Because thats why i feel like i'm about to self destruct, thats why my thighs are black and blue because my belt buckle 'landed' there (repeatedly) this afternoon, thats why i ran away to brighton. "i'd expect you to feel like this" Is that supposed to reassure me?

Apparently my gain of 5.2kg isn't noticeable (in which case you may as well lose it again - shut up brain!) to M either just like K. I told her what i'd been scoffing and she said calorie wise an inpatient meal plan would be more than what i was eating. Maybe i have lost perspective of how much a normal person eats and what a normal diet is, but i'm pretty sure the past couple of weeks food that i've eaten ISN'T normal.

I confessed about fixing my weight with fluid the last time i saw her, but it became clear (as i thought) that had she seen that i'd lost more weight that week, she would have found a bed where ever she could and would have had me sectioned if i didn't agree which i wouldn't have. She said that the place i'm in, is when most people ask for an inpatient stay, which until she said about the meal plan being greater than my intake of cakes and chocolate, i was willing to ask for. Now, and having explained all this to mum, I'm not so sure, and neither is mum.

I hope the way today has made me feel, together with my feelings for my appointment with K yesterday, will help me to regain control. Today i managed to stick with grapes (mum's suggestion) rather than the dolly mixtures i was craving (but luckily didn't find in tesco although i could have gone to the old fashioned sweet shop round the corner!) so maybe this is the start of good things. M also said at my current rate of eating the weight gain would probably plateau, which felt like no great shame! So....... if i regain some structure and cut back on the snacking.....oh and do some more exercise........bye bye Recovery! Like anorexia you weren't invited either! certainly not in the way you've made yourself known.

Tomorrow i plan to cycle to the town, to go to the local market, and plan to take my laptop (if it fits in the rucksack and i can cycle with it) and after getting some grapes from the market and the local paper, the plan is to keep my backside in that library. I shall not be taking money for anything other than the grapes and paper, therefore there shouldn't be any temptation to buy and eat anything else. i might take money for a drink but i will take a sandwich and fruit from home.

Have i let anorexia back in? or did it never leave? Did i ever start the process they call recovery? What was the last 11 days? I don't know but i don't like it. And i wish i could snap my fingers and change things back to the way they were. I know it would be disappointing to mum but i'm sure she'd rather that than me so unstable again that i'm scared of myself.

I feel like i have more control tonight. After that final snack of dried fruit (which i won't be doing again like that, although i may buy the kiddies snack boxes - maybe it is just another passing craving) tonight, i could happily eat another bag but i have that strength and willpower. i just hope i can stay in control like this tomorrow, because i feel more stable and a lot calmer.

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