Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Moment of weakness strength

One mini christmas cake. Done. (As Gordon Ramsay would say)

As above, just without the icing (or marzipan under the icing), the marmalade sticking the marzipan to the cake or the dried cranberries. My chosen specimen (i think i'm in denial that its food that i've eaten food now) was smaller than this one, about an inch high and 3 inches across. I was experimenting with different tins and dishes when i made them. The best 3 were iced, decorated and given as gifts to family and their friends.

Why am i not freaking out or wanting to binge and have another one? Because the nausea is still lingering in the background, the dizziness is confining me to the sofa and soon i think i maybe just have to give in and sleep, or at least close my eyes. My co-ordination is all out, i'm not sure i could touch my own nose with my index finger right now.

What was the wake-up call today? It could have been seeing myself in the mirror in the changing room at Next, where amazingly 3 out of the 7 items i tried on, i then bought! Admitedly one of them is a tight fitting top and would look a whole lot better if i had some sort of shape and figure, instead of being as straight as a ruler. Or maybe it was the fact that after an hour in town i was becoming unsure as to how much longer i was going to remain on my feet, as had visions of my friend who's a Paramedic in the area being called to scrape me off the pavement. My last stop was Sainsburys, where halfway round i sampled a mouthful of iced doughnut, by then the worry of falling down made this mouth non-existant. With half hour left on the carpark, a sit down in the cafe was certainly needed before attempting to drive home. I queued with my Pepsi Max (i've never drunk full sugar fizzy drinks, and probably never will) eyeing up the snack options to combat the possibility of imminent collapse; Teacake? Mincepie? Slice of carrot cake? No? Ok, well what about a banana? Are you going to have anything at all??!! Hmmmm, ok i'll compromise on with apple.

What i realised as i sat down was that it was 1pm and so far i'm had 1 mushroom with a teaspoon of picalilli, one with extra light mayo and the sample mouthful of donut. Maybe thats another reason i'm not freaking over the cake, because basically all i've eaten is an apple and not a very large one at that. However ED is telling me that my donut sample was probably worth the same in calories as the apple! And whats more i had initially planned to have a plain slice of my homemade bread because i know i can manage bread despite the nausea, so i got one out of the freezer before i then decided on the fruit cake, so although genuinly feeling full right now, before 5.30pm when the rest of the house is due home, i have a slice of bread to get through.

Right now I'd even go as far as to say i'm considering anti depressants when i see my GP next monday, in the hope that it would decrease my anxiety over what i'm eating. But then we all know how fickle my mood is and monday is 6 days away, which when your mood changes by the hour, makes 6 days contain a possible 144 changes in mood. What are the chances of being back in this pattern of thought in 144 hours time?

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