Sunday, 14 September 2008

Numbness

I don't want to feel anything anymore. The only things i do feel seem to be unhappy. The self hatred and disgust is stronger than ever. All i seem to do is let people down. I was hoping i'd never feel this way again. I guess it was too good to be true. It's when the phrase from Robbie William's song "Feel" ringers truer than ever.

"I don't want to die. But i ain't keen on living either"
I don't want to die. But after another day of bursting into tears and feeling totally inadequate and on top of that battling with feeling like i'm losing control, eating too much and being a fat pig, it's just too much again.
I want someone to just take it all away, but i know its never going to leave me. My mistakes and failures of the past will always be there to bite me on the backside, and will never leave me.
I haven't felt this low in a long time and it scares me. Scares me and depresses me further, because once again there seems no way out. It's 3 years ago to the day, tomorrow, that i drove my car into a ditch, and 3 years on all thats changed is i have a little more strength to stop myself from doing such drastic things and acting on my impulses. The emotions and feelings don't seem to have changed, neither have the thoughts, i still think about all the things i could do to myself and feel i deserve.
Perhaps i should drive the long way round to the doctors tomorrow..........save "de ja vu" of 3 years ago. I just don't trust myself right now.

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