Wednesday, 24 December 2008

Making use of those festive nightmares

What could be more daunting for an anoreixc at christmas? Tins of chocolates, biscuits, cakes and other high calorie "treats"? Eating out? Or simply the fact that the rest of the family are off work, watching what goes into (or rather doesn't) your mouth, so your can't restrict as you normally would.

So tonight, or in fact the whole of today, i found some strength (well, most of the time) and decided to fight the demons.

"Screw you ED! (but don't worry i see you again in 4 days time...shhh just don't tell anyone)"

After eating an almost normal breakfast, the eating out a large lunch (well large for me, normal for most others), re-icing 3 mini cakes (and not throwing away all the old icing or the offcuts...) and still having dinner (holding back slightly), In the last half hour i've consumed more calories on snacks than i normally have for breakfast and lunch recently (and probably will do again in 4 days time). I know my brain is so screwed by my lack of weight and nutrition, so tonight i went with the theory that maybe weight gain is what is needed for my brain to see some sense.

But now the fear, anger and upset is setting in. I've banished myself to bed for the night, shut away, so i can cry to my hearts content because i feel so disgusted with myself and carry on debating and fighting with myself over whether or not to self harm to release some of the anger i'm feeling right now.

One minute i think i'm ok, then i'm swallowed up by the desire to keep my weight down again. Maybe the focus of self harm will take way the focus on the reality of what i've eaten and am disappointed in myself for. No, disappointed really is the wrong word. Disgust is definately what i feel.

Oh how i wish i'd got those sleeping tablets prescribed now. To just be able to go to sleep without lying awake thinking about the day past and fearing the day ahead.

My mind says tomorrow "have more control. stick to 3 meals no snacks, normal(ish) eating. No icing, no chocolate, no cereal bars. - Oh and you still deserve to be punished for todays antics!"

#I don't want a lot for christmas;
there is just one thing i need...#

2 people had something to say about this:

Anonymous said...

Well done you. It probably doesn't feel like you have achieved something, but you really have. It's the most horrible time of the year to have an ED, and you not only survived, you ate too. I'm proud of you, because i know just how torturous that can be.

Lola x

Seeking Sanity said...

Thank you Lola.

I was pleased to read you had a successful festive season. I do hope things continue well for you into 2009.

Am i managing to remain anonomous? To be honest actually right now i almost don't care. I think that means it's time to close down now that the nightly pessimism has set in.

take care, thanks for reading.

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