Saturday, 4 October 2008

Too much pain

Everyone thinks i've stopped. I'm praying no-one has found this blog and realised who i am. That i am still anonomous. Right no though i almost don't care. If they have maybe they'll see that all is not ok. That at this moment in time i wish my life were over. I don't know why i feel so low. I don't know why i hate my self so much and that all i can feel inside is pain and hatred.

I want to self distruct. I want an end. If it weren't for mum,david and nan and grandpa i think i'd quite happily end my life, in fact i wouldn't have ended it years ago, goodness know i came close but these days i live my life for them.

Crying just doesn't get it out my system and neither doesn't cutting anymore, it seems. I think i need a new blade, this one just hasn't caused the damage or pain i deserve and need to get the pain out of my head. i want to attack the top of my arm again and again now i've started.

These feelings just aren't going. It's i'm going to have to go over the edge before i can come back again. Over the edge and right down to the bottom where i crash and burn. I was to destroy and attack.

They all think i don't self harm anymore, not in the way of cutting at least. They all think its just the anorexia now. If only they new. If only they knew what a mess i really am. They think i'm ok, because i don't show it how i used to. Just because i don't overdose, cut myself, blood let or do any of the other things i used to that i'm ok. Or at least that i'm better than i was. I'm working part time again so i must be getting better.

I feel like i wish i was dead again - is that really better than before? Isn't that back to the same as before? Just because i don't want to let people down and don't show my injuries, just because these days i deal with it by keeping my weight down and refuse to gain weight despite having a BMI under 15 - does that really mean i've moved on in life and made progress?

I don't really think so.

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